[stopdog]

Do you worry or become concerned about the therapist if you know something is happening in their life - or even if you don't.
IF so do you say something about it?

I read an article once (and will link to it if I can find it again) about a therapist whose wife died and he complained that when he went back to work, he had a hard time because his clients were expressing sympathy and being too afraid to let him just do his job. His take on it was that letting him do his job without their undue sympathy and concern was the one thing he wanted and that would help him the most.

[Waterbear]

I have not had this come up where sessions are cancelled causing me to worry but when my T was going on holiday I had horrible thoughts that her plane would crash or that she would get eaten by sharks. I am glad she took me (almost) seriously when I asked her not to get eaten.

[atisketatasket]

I don't think about it at all. It isn't how the relationship would work for me.

[Argonautomobile]

I don't know a single thing about my T's personal life (for which I'm glad) but if he looks tired or sick I express concern.

One of the best things about my T is that he keeps his feelings and his personal life out of my therapy. He's even explicitly said "you know I can take care of myself" and I never worry about him.
That said I am human and if I knew something was wrong in his personal life (like a serious illness) I would care. He recently had a bereavement (I only know this because he had to cancel a session for the funeral) but the only thing we spoke about was how missing a session under such circumstances affects me. Of course I care, but his issues have no place in my therapy.

I don't much worry about it. I have been aware when difficulties have been going on in his life because he let me know as it created rescheduling needs, etc., but he's a grown man, difficulties are just part and parcel of life (particularly for those of us who are older and dealing with aging parents, etc.). I might say sorry he's going through that, but beyond that, I have completely faith in his ability to handle his own life matters. He knows how to take care of himself and I felt quite sure he wouldn't return to work if he wasn't able to do his work professionally. I don't concern myself any more about him than I would any other acquaintance really.

[junkDNA]

yes but mostly about him dying unexpectedly. and i talk to him about it. a lot.

[awkwardlyyours]

Early in my therapy, I figured out that on the days that my T had a session right before mine (she didn't always), her stomach would growl alarmingly loudly and repeatedly during my session -- since I knew that she offered back-to-back sessions from early am onwards, by the time my slot rolled around, I figured she'd have been in the office for a few hours at a stretch.

Since of course I have a great deal of embarrassment in talking directly about bodily noises, I instead decided to solicitously enquire (after the growling happened over a few sessions) if she got to take a break or eat etc between clients. I thought it was a rather casual query but she got furious -- like seriously irritated, shut me down entirely and turned it back on well, what else, my care-taking dynamic with my mother.

Post that, I've resolutely refused to say / ask anything about her -- recently she has engaged in loud coughing, sneezing, blowing of the nose etc during my session but I pretend like absolutely nothing has happened and I forge right on.

It's a bit ridiculous but it's my passive-aggressive way of showing her the middle finger.

[Coco3]

My T comes across as someone who can take care of himself. He might have even said it, like Echos Myron's T. I know some personal things, but I don't know what's going on in his life. I do express my concerns sometimes, when he's very busy or looks tired.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I selected that I do but don't say anything, because that was the closest fit. My Pdoc had a traumatic brain injury a couple of years ago. When I found out what happened, I was concerned for him. When he eventually returned to his practice, I just told him that I'm glad he's recovering and glad he's back. He actually had a note on the office door stating something like he's doing well and appreciates all concerns but would prefer to focus on his patients during their appointment times.

So, for me, I do care but I don't dwell on it. I am likely to say something, but it's most likely going to be nothing more than a brief acknowledgement and then I'll move on. Most of the time, my T and Pdoc don't share their personal struggles with me. I only knew about my pdoc because he was away from his practice for 6 months.

[LonesomeTonight]

Oh hey, I think I may have inspired a poll!

I answered with the first option, but often it's more the second option, where I worry but don't say anything. If they specifically say something about what's going on, I'm more likely to say something. Like when my T mentioned having to get an MRI done at Hopkins, I said that I hoped it was nothing serious/bad (she said she hoped so, too!) But if she just mentions having a doctor's appointment, I wouldn't say anything, but might be concerned as to whether she's OK, since she's in her 60s.

For my marriage counselor--pretty sure it was my post about him that inspired this poll--I know about some stuff going on in his personal life (wife has some serious health issues), so when, say, he had to cancel yesterday due to a "family emergency," then that led me to express concern over a text (just said, "hope your wife and kids are OK," which I hope wasn't crossing a line). Or about a month ago, he had to check his cell when he got a call, which he apologized for, saying "I have a couple potential emergencies brewing." I wondered if they were clients or personal, but didn't ask that, just said, "I hope none of the emergencies end up happening," and he thanked me.

He discloses quite a bit (unlike T) and knows I have some transference and care about him as a person. I think he understands that if I ask about something or express concern, it's coming from a place of compassion, not trying to pry or insert myself in his personal life. When I put the pieces together (from stuff he's shared, something I overheard, etc.) regarding his wife's illness, I was unsure if it was OK to ask him about it, but he reassured me that it was fine, that I could ask anything, and he could always choose not to answer. Aside from the session where we specifically discussed it, I haven't really asked much. If he seems particularly tired or distracted or has a sad look in his eyes, then I do worry a bit, but tend not to say anything.

[precaryous]

When I start to worry about T, I try to remind myself she has gotten along just fine without me for 67 years.

[Monarch Butterfly]

My therapist missed a session because his wife was ill. His secretary told me this is the reason for the cancellation. At my next session I wanted to say I hope she is feeling better. But I didn't. I wasnt sure if he would feel comfortable?

[divine1966]

I tend to worry a lot about my family members and partners. Not about t. But saying that my t had a heart attack. Of course I want her to be well. I do worry as she is older and heart attack aren't a joke . But I don't think about it until I read this thread.

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[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Monarch Butterfly

My therapist missed a session because his wife was ill. His secretary told me this is the reason for the cancellation. At my next session I wanted to say I hope she is feeling better. But I didn't. I wasnt sure if he would feel comfortable?

That's something you could actually ask him. Like say what you did here, and ask if it would be OK if you said something like that, or would he prefer you didn't?

[Monarch Butterfly]

True. I could ask him. Thanks!

[Mully]

Yes, I have, and yes, I've talked about it with her. Her husband passed away suddenly a couple of years ago, and she abruptly had to take about six months off. We've had a few discussions about it. What helped was that she was honest to me about it- but owned it at the same time. She appreciated my care and concern but i could also tell that she was dealing with it and coping with it herself. My therapist is definitely not a blank slate and is warm which helps me personally, but I also know that she has good boundaries and I do believe she takes good care of herself, so it's a good balance. It means that any worry I do have is on myself- for example, I worry a lot about her dying now, but that's more because I'm worried about losing her, so we've had a few discussions about that.

[RedSun]

I said option two, but I don't really worry about T. Once or twice I've known she was ill eg if she cancelled, and I've asked after her health then. I would not ask about her personal life or anything like that. I find it intrusive and difficult if clients ask me that stuff. I do care about my T though, but she has good boundaries.

[nottrustin]

I do get concerned about her and have expressed my concerns. She always tells me she can take care of herself. I wiry about her essentially the same as other people in my life. So I try not to worry. If I do say something to her I preface it with I know I am not supposed to worry bit... At this point she said she would expect nothing else from and understands where I am coming from.

[clairelisbeth]

Yes-my T has a sick family member, and I worry about her

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[WrkNPrgress]

I don't know much about T's life, and what I do know I don't feel concern over because she seems pretty together.

That said, I'm naturally curious about her, and her past. I wouldn't call it 'concern' though.

[kecanoe]

I picked the first, although I don't worry about t1. I do feel concern and express it when the chance is there. But I am also discrete about it. I was asked to pray for t1's nephew's mental illness by a church member-I put it together because t1 mentioned his nephew in the context of people coming home from Africa sick (which I also did). I didn't share information that I got from either source with the other. However when the nephew suicided, I learned about it from church. T1 was obviously a wreck at our next session and said that he should have cancelled that day. I told him that I had heard about his nephew because it just seemed weird to know what he was so upset about without acknowledging it. He did share some of his grief process with me in the context of talking about my grief after that. I never worried about t1 but I did feel bad for him.
I also learned of the nephew's suicide thru church.

[Chummy2]

I don't know much about my T's life, but she looks like a happy and confident person. I am curious about her life, but I don't worry about her. If something would happen, I think she can take care of herself. I also think that if a T can't handle something in their personal life, then she shouldn't come to work.

I wouldn't know anything.

[AllHeart]

I do worry or become concerned over the therapist's life just as I do for all of the other people that I like. It's just in my nature.