[runlola72]

So, today I had my session which was on T's birthday, which I discovered online a while back, and had to pretend I didn't know. I am so glad I went, and it ended up being a not-so-emotional session after all. We chatted about various things but ended up discussing my career and grad school and my trepidation about starting a new career so late in life. Anyway, he very graciously offered to have his wife come sit in on one of our sessions for a 1/2 hr, to talk about career options, and what to do if I wanted to veer off in a slightly different direction. His wife works along a similar path to what a potential career could look like for me (research). She is also a psychologist. Anyway, this is such a nice offer, and I checked out his wife's website at T's urging. Boy she has an impressive CV. I think I might be too intimidated to meet her! Anyway, if I do agree to this, what is the privacy protocol? Part of the reason I have trouble feeling confident in the field I am pursuing a career in now is that I have poor social skills, poor eye contact, despite being intelligent. I struggle with ADD, spectrum-y issues, and low self-esteem from my past. Will T have to give his wife some background about me? I understand HIPAA but I'm still somehow terrified that he will disclose information about me that is less than savory. Or that he will feel in the future more tempted to tell his wife things about me knowing that she has met me. I know this paranoia is over the top. His gesture is VERY nice, and I am grateful that helping me in this way even crossed his mind. His boundaries are so clear and firm with me, and I respect the man immensely. I also am sure his wife is a great person. But ...hmmm...why do I feel uncomfortable?

[vonmoxie]

If anyone I knew, therapist or otherwise, referred me to someone they know for the purposes of career advice, I would ask them as a matter of course previous to that meeting how much they had told the person about me already in the interest of my being able to make the most effective use of that time.

Obviously your therapist will have told his spouse something about you, even if it's only some very general information about your career interests. Were you to inquire as to what he's already shared (or would plan to share previous your meeting) I would think it would serve to make you much more comfortable about taking the meeting.

Good luck!

[LonesomeTonight]

The one thing that seems a bit odd to me is having her talk to you as part of a therapy session. Could you have a separate meeting with her about the career stuff, like meet for coffee, something like that, outside of your T's office?

And I'd definitely ask him how much he's told her about you. Ideally, he's only talked about you anonymously, aside from the career-related stuff, so she wouldn't be able to be like, "Oh, that's the one who did/said/has ____"

[Argonautomobile]

I think it's best to bring these things up with your T directly, but if it makes you feel any better I doubt he'll tell his wife anything not directly related to your career issues--and if he has already, I seriously doubt it was anything identifying. Providers take that confidentiality stuff pretty seriously, and, anyway, I wouldn't think patient names/specifics would come up much in the course of conversation because normal conversation tends to focus more on the speaker (how the speaker feels, thinks, etc) than the subject.

For example, I don't come home from work and say to my husband, "Today Johnny Lastname threw his Ninja Turtles lunchbox at Sally." Instead, I say, "I'm really tired. One of my students was being an asshat and I just don't feel like cooking. Let's order out."

Why? Because the student's name, identifying lunchbox, and specific action weren't important in the context of my home life, mood, or dinner plans.

Anyway, I'd try not to worry about it. Good luck!

[awkwardlyyours]

I may be in the minority here and my apologies if this sounds harsh but this is raising all sorts of red flags to me in terms of boundaries and your T's emotional enmeshing with you.

Is his wife the only person in the whole wide world who can offer you that kind of stuff?

Also, why is he directly trying to get someone (especially his wife) to help you? He should be exploring how you can find such help yourself rather than trying to 'fix' things (with of all the people in the world, his wife).

Whether and what he has told his wife about you would be second-order issues to me. The basic issue is the fact that he has made the offer in the first place (which by itself raises all sorts of red flags to me) and related to that, is that he offered that his wife would help.

If I were you, I'd politely decline the offer and just look around for people with similar credentials yourself and see if you can figure out how to get the help you need.

Very icky -- I'd stay far away from such a therapist.

Then again, I don't know your situation....so, take this for what it's worth.

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I may be in the minority here and my apologies if this sounds harsh but this is raising all sorts of red flags to me in terms of boundaries and your T's emotional enmeshing with you.

Is his wife the only person in the whole wide world who can offer you that kind of stuff?

Also, why is he directly trying to get someone (especially his wife) to help you? He should be exploring how you can find such help yourself rather than trying to 'fix' things (with of all the people in the world, his wife).

Whether and what he has told his wife about you would be second-order issues to me. The basic issue is the fact that he has made the offer in the first place (which by itself raises all sorts of red flags to me) and related to that, is that he offered that his wife would help.

If I were you, I'd politely decline the offer and just look around for people with similar credentials yourself and see if you can figure out how to get the help you need.

Very icky -- I'd stay far away from such a therapist.

Then again, I don't know your situation....so, take this for what it's worth.

I agree the loose boundaries are unhelpful, especially considering you have mentioned transference/ET for him on another thread; it could stir up all kinds of feelings for you meeting his wife, and it creates a dual relationship with him too.

[runlola72]

Oh my goodness...I hadn't even considered some of the things you all have said, especially the last two responses. I don't know.... if anything I thought maybe my ET, which isn't intense compared to the paternal transference I feel, would completely dissolve on meeting his wife, who I am sure is a great person. But maybe I am hoping for too much?

Part of what T specializes in is helping people find career direction, and I think it was just a natural thing for him to think of inviting his wife since she's right in the next room, and is a psychologist too, as well as having made the exact transition from the field I am in, to the field I am interested in (type of research). Is this crossing boundaries? He is so, so boundaried in every other way, it never occurred to me that this was out of line. I think he's just older, and maybe a bit old-fashioned. Also, maybe there is an unspoken trust about this because we are both in the healthcare field?

I am not sure what to do. I would not consider leaving T over this. But I will think about whether I want this meeting and if so, I will make sure I am very clear about what he can and cannot share with his wife. I'll update when I figure it out! Thank you! <3