The Couch 115: Corduroy Pillows Are Making Headlines!

Our home's internet broke down, will be a couple of days before I can easily access PC again. So I won't be here a whole lot.

Anyone seen BayBrony lately? I've been thinking about her and wondering how her shoulder is doing and if she got surgery.

Never mind. Just went and looked at her profile and sent her a PM.

*****Trigger warning for talk of Suicide************

I just need to get this out, oh and as a disclaimer T knows all of this and we have a plan in place, so don't worry.

I feel like I literally live my life for other people, and I don't mean I plan my schedule or anything for other people. I stay alive for other people. This week my thought was, I can't kill myself this week because its recital week for my daughter (and she is dancing nut who looks forward to preforming all year long)and then next week is her birthday and she would be devastated. Or, what if I die and H doesn't keep up with my son's therapy, this is a crucial time for him to be in therapy. Then there is the, I promised T I would be safe until we next see each other. This part of living my life is exhausting. I am suppose to stay living in hopes that one day I will be better. But I have had about 20 years of dysfunction in my life (after being raped and the crappy childhood) telling me that nope I will probably always be like this. I sat in the chair in T's office yesterday and said something like it has been 4 years.. and thought, holy **** it has been four years and this is where I am at. Maybe I am a lost cause? I just want to stop living for other people and live because I want to be alive, and if I don't want to be alive I want that to be ok too. Does this make sense?

Healed84, I think that living because you actually want to be alive is an awesome goal to work towards. I hope you can get there someday.

I've also been thinking about Bay.

Healed, completely makes sense to me. You want it inside which ever way you decide for you not because others have an impact on what you do. Can't explain it very well but I get it

I guess it is a good thing that you are still living...enough to care about the people who love you. That is something. I can understand how frustrating and hopeless it must seem to know you've been at this for 4 years and still feel this way. That is very difficult. What does your T say about that? Have you seen progress, even if it is small?

Healed, one of my goals in therapy is to build a life I feel is worth living, because I also feel like I live for others.

Hugs if you want

Aww thank you☺. Im mostly lurking. I don't feel like i have a lot to contribute right now
..

Thanks.
No surgery yet. Since I'm self employed, my job is very physical and this is our busy season there is no way I could do it before November. My orthopedic doc has also suggested trying to delay longer. He thinks given my job the rehab period is going to be nearly impossible for me unless I close my practice. We are considering injections a few times a year and delaying as long as possible, especially since I need surgery on both shoulders...

ExHankster - why did you remove your post?

Shite, i just realized how awful my first sentence sounds!!!

What i really meant to say was I think living for other people right now is good, it still IS a reason for living, no "i guess" about it. I hope you didn't read that as me being dismissive or anything...sometimes i type before i really think about the words i am putting down.

No worries Velcro.. lol. And to answer your question, T says he has seen improvements in different areas that I have been dealing with. And I suppose I have seen some of the small improvements as well. It just seems like the whole wanting to die part over shadows everything.

T emailed me this morning.. all positive, blech.. talking about wonderful goal wanting to live for myself.. you are working hard.. blech.. He has got to get discouraged sometimes, it would be nice if he told me every once in a while..

(((healed84)))

Healed, I've been where you are. For a lot of years. The only reason I didn't commit suicide was that I didn't think my youngest daughter could cope. I remember learning that I had panic attacks-I though that panic attacks included being scared to die. For me, I thought I was going to die but I welcomed it. I was jealous of people who died (actually I still am that sometimes).
I can't say that I want to live for myself, but I can say that the horrible wishing I was dead has gotten better.

I appreciate everyone's input..!thank you all!

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Oh and.. I just emailed t and told him I found his positivity annoying lol.

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Positivity is like the new Couch word. This is the third time it's been used this Couch.

Guess it's better than underg's.

I was like that too - the only thing that kept me alive back in 2009 was my son. He loved me SO much back then that I absolutely could not/would not take his beloved mommy away from him no matter how miserable I felt. It became too much hiding how I felt from him and so that's what sent me to pdoc finally. I had to get better so he wouldn't have to see my pain. It took awhile but I did start learning how to want to live for me.

I'm still glad to know it's an actual word haha

sorry, TMI, again.

It was definitely my daughter keeping me alive a few times in the past couple years...I didn't want her to have to deal with losing me, especially in that way.

I find most positivity annoying. I find it insufferable from a therapist.

At Christmastime, do you go around muttering "Bah! Humbug!"?