[retro_chic]

So in between sessions I think about T a lot and fantasize about her hugging or holding me and comforting me. But then when I get to my session I get so anxious and just emotionally shut down and I just want to push her away. My question is WHY??? I have been seeing this T for over 5 months now and I still have this problem. I've been wanting to ask her for a hug for weeks (months?) now and I just can't do it because of this. It is so frustrating I feel like I'm going to burst.

I've noticed I do this in other relationships too; I long to be close but then push them away. It seems as if whatever caring/support/empathy they give me it is never enough. What is this?

[LonesomeTonight]

Sounds like insecure attachment, which I have too. You long to be close to someone but then fear they're reject you. So you end up in kind of a push-pull thing, where you get closer, and then are like, "Agh what if they abandon me!" and then pull back to protect yourself. (I'm sure someone else could give a much better explanation than that!)

[Waterbear]

I think taking that first step can be the hardest. Literally saw myself standing behind myself giving me a big shove forwards. Then it gets easier, bit by but with practice. I had something I needed to say to T and I went to session and promised myself I would say nothing before I said this. There was only 5 words on my brain. That was it. Say that or say nothing. Even then I couldn't say it but my T always has pens and crayons and paper within reach. Maybe try taking in a pen and paper and just focussing on saying a few words, visualise yourself outside your body urging you on. Might not work for you but it did for me. Hope you can find a way because it really is the old adage practise makes perfect.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I think taking that first step can be the hardest. Literally saw myself standing behind myself giving me a big shove forwards. Then it gets easier, bit by but with practice. I had something I needed to say to T and I went to session and promised myself I would say nothing before I said this. There was only 5 words on my brain. That was it. Say that or say nothing. Even then I couldn't say it but my T always has pens and crayons and paper within reach. Maybe try taking in a pen and paper and just focussing on saying a few words, visualise yourself outside your body urging you on. Might not work for you but it did for me. Hope you can find a way because it really is the old adage practise makes perfect.

Yes, I think I'm just going to have tell myself I can't talk about anything else until I talk about this. My T doesn't seem like the type who would give hugs but I feel as though this is something I need to say anyway.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sounds like insecure attachment, which I have too. You long to be close to someone but then fear they're reject you. So you end up in kind of a push-pull thing, where you get closer, and then are like, "Agh what if they abandon me!" and then pull back to protect yourself. (I'm sure someone else could give a much better explanation than that!)

I have been reading about attachment styles and I think you're right. I've been wondering for a while if I have BPD but maybe it's just attachment issues...

[LonesomeTonight]

I think I did the quiz here:
Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think I did the quiz here:
Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

I just did the short version and I apparently have a fearful attachment style... Seems pretty true.

[retro_chic]

Just came across this article that describes my issues pretty well.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ful-attachment

[dj315]

This is the story of my life. Fearful-avoidant right here apparently according to that test. It explains so much. I'll have to take those results (and probably that article) in for my next session in a couple of months. I keep hitting those walls with my T and getting the urge to "run away" from therapy and it's usually right after I get a breakthrough with trusting him and being able to be vulnerable.

I really get it though. Fantasizing about hugging him and then feeling so unattached and afraid in the actual session. Every time I get close I want to run. I have to take a break for awhile for financial reasons and I was so surprised at how emotionless I was when we talked about it. He kept reassuring me I can contact him whenever and he'll check in sometime (doubt he will) but I was honestly relieved that I got to run away from the relationship for awhile with a legitimate excuse. That's not my normal personality--I'm a very deep feeler...This time I felt nothing. It's fascinating what our defenses can do for us. Sad, but fascinating.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by dj315

This is the story of my life. Fearful-avoidant right here apparently according to that test. It explains so much. I'll have to take those results (and probably that article) in for my next session in a couple of months. I keep hitting those walls with my T and getting the urge to "run away" from therapy and it's usually right after I get a breakthrough with trusting him and being able to be vulnerable.

I really get it though. Fantasizing about hugging him and then feeling so unattached and afraid in the actual session. Every time I get close I want to run. I have to take a break for awhile for financial reasons and I was so surprised at how emotionless I was when we talked about it. He kept reassuring me I can contact him whenever and he'll check in sometime (doubt he will) but I was honestly relieved that I got to run away from the relationship for awhile with a legitimate excuse. That's not my normal personality--I'm a very deep feeler...This time I felt nothing. It's fascinating what our defenses can do for us. Sad, but fascinating.

Yeah, I totally get this. It sucks and I have no idea how I'm supposed to fix it, I guess it just takes time. I also get that emotionless feeling when in session but am a complete emotional wreck outside of sessions

[LonesomeTonight]

Here's another good article--my T has described me as being "hypervigilant" with people before, which definitely seems to fit:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-good-about-it

[Cinnamon_Stick]

The same thing happens with me. I long for the closeness and then when I get close I get scared and want to run. Its a real push and pull that is so damn confusing at times.

[UglyDucky]

You might consider that it will be you and your T who fixes what's going on w/you. I went through much the same thing as you're experiencing - asked my T what was my role in this and what was his/her role...? S/he said, "You just need to continue coming to therapy." There's a big danger of avoidant/anxious attachment clients leaving therapy early or only being able to tolerate short bursts of therapy, which is not very helpful. Feeling nothing in therapy, but feeling too much after sessions is common...and seriously painful. Have you tried journaling what you feel? That's been a big help for me.

I wish you well on your journey...and it is a journey! Hang in there.

[SvanThor]

I do this horrible thing where I get people to fall for me and then I basically tell them, in so many words, "I'm bad for you. You should find someone else." And when they believe me, I still wonder why I don't have anyone.

I do the same thing. It's a constant "Go away, come here," type of thing. It's usually triggered when I'm afraid someone is mad at me or they are getting too close and I get uncomfortable.

[Waterbear]

Make people fall for me then push them away. Quite. As above said somewhere, it is a two person relationship and those two people need to work on it. Keep going. All sound advice which I guess a lot of us are trying to follow.

[retro_chic]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I briefly quit therapy a few months ago only to email T a few days later asking if I could return . T and I have spoken about my fear of opening up and trusting her and how I have these "blocks" as she calls them but still the hugging thing is super embarrassing for some reason. I'm almost certain T would not think I was weird but I still fear that anyway. I try and open up a bit more each session but it seems that in the last couple I have taken a step backwards although the same could be said for my life in general at the moment