[growlycat]

Not sure how many responses I will get on a therapy forum but I just wanted to ask those of you who have walked away from therapy, either permanently or for months at a time--how was it? How did you adjust?

Just an idea I'm toying with if I can't find a good T fit. although I think I do better with therapy but maybe that's not right either?

Thoughts and experiences welcome.

I've walked away from therapy several times over the years with about ten year breaks in between. It honestly wasn't really difficult, and I had excellent therapists. But with two of them a major job move had to bring things to an end (one time my job; the other time the T's). I just went on with things. I think it was actually good for me to just take a therapy break for a good long while. It gave me time to grow and see how I could do.

When I would decide years later to return to therapy, each time I was in a different stage in my life, and while some of the deeper issues were the same, I was older and had learned more about myself on my own so I was actually better able to define what I needed with each subsequent return to therapy.

I ended therapy on my own a bit over two years ago when I felt the need just was no longer there. I felt very positively about moving on, and at this point I doubt I'll ever need to return to long-term therapy again. I can handle what life throws at me now (and it continues to throw some pretty harsh curve balls) without falling completely apart and being unable to put myself back together again on my own and with the help of my real-world support system.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I've walked away from therapy several times over the years with about ten year breaks in between. It honestly wasn't really difficult, and I had excellent therapists. But with two of them a major job move had to bring things to an end (one time my job; the other time the T's). I just went on with things. I think it was actually good for me to just take a therapy break for a good long while. It gave me time to grow and see how I could do.

When I would decide years later to return to therapy, each time I was in a different stage in my life, and while some of the deeper issues were the same, I was older and had learned more about myself on my own so I was actually better able to define what I needed with each subsequent return to therapy.

I ended therapy on my own a bit over two years ago when I felt the need just was no longer there. I felt very positively about moving on, and at this point I doubt I'll ever need to return to long-term therapy again. I can handle what life throws at me now (and it continues to throw some pretty harsh curve balls) without falling completely apart and being unable to put myself back together again on my own and with the help of my real-world support system.

Have you always had your real world support team or did you work harder at relationships since therapy wasn't there? I'm wondering if I put all of my emotional needs into therapy so I don't have to rely on anyone else.

Technically the supports were there, but I wasn't willing to use them for many reasons that mostly had to do with me. Things I had to work through in therapy. But my therapist helped me find my self-worth and true belief that I was worthy of love and support, that could rely on others and not continue to isolate myself from relationships out of shame and fear. I learned to allow myself to reach out and develop relationships, not just in my family, but in other areas of my life.

I do think I used therapy a bit as a way to isolate myself. For me, it would have been easy to center my world around my therapy as a bit of escape, but fortunately my therapist would have nothing to do with it. He refused to allow me to put him on a pedestal. He always reminded me that the goal was to not need him. He always pointed me toward my current relationships and how to improve communication, and toward those relationships that I wasn't utilizing that had great potential but in my depression or self-consciousness I isolated myself from.

Over time, I took the risks to re-enter those relationships a bit at a time, and with each little venture I gained some confidence and realized there really were people in my life I had been actively avoiding. I realize now how much time I lost through isolation, but it was a product of depression and shame that I had to work through, so that's okay. These things take time and work and I can allow myself that.

For me, it was important not to continue in therapy if my only reason to do so was because it was habit which it kind of had become by the end. I liked therapy. I liked the time to escape my outside life and have it be all about me for an hour a week. I liked my therapist; he was a great guy. But I didn't need therapy anymore. It was time to leave that safety net and do what I was ready to do on my own.

When that time came, I recognized it partially because it was always the goal to do so and my therapist encouraged me to find my independence. Ending was joyful for both my T and me because it was a success and accomplishment of years of hard work.

[stopdog]

I have tried therapy 3 different times with many (10-20 years) years between. It was not a big deal to stop but I don't really get support from therapists. I have a close circle of friends that I have had for over 30 years.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have tried therapy 3 different times with many (10-20 years) years between. It was not a big deal to stop but I don't really get support from therapists. I have a close circle of friends that I have had for over 30 years.

Having a support group of friends is much healthier I think. I have friends all over the place but long distance anything isn't as powerful. Hopefully building real world supports is something I can work on once I've moved.

One thing I finally learned is that not everyone in my support system has to be a close, intimate best friend. I think that's a myth people like myself somehow buy into, assuming because we don't have lots of close buds we go out for coffee with and share every deep thought with, then we don't have any real friends. That just isn't true in what I have finally discovered.

I've discovered I have my wonderful family as my closest allies, but under them is a network of people who are supportive in just certain areas of my life. My work friends are there for whatever work support I need and that sometimes is very much tied to my personal life. When I am in need of extra support because my husband is ill or my sister has died or I am going through some frightening medical issue, they are more than willing and able to assist with everything from getting my substitute situated to being that listening ear. My church choir is a close-knit group that offers up everything from meals, to rides, to prayers. My chorus friends offer up that shared love and passion for the music that only musicians really understand about each other. Our neighbors help with the yard work completely voluntarily because they know my husband is handicapped and that I just can't do it all. The list goes on. These aren't bff's, but that really isn't important. What they are are good people who care enough to be there for support when and where and how it might be needed just out of kindness, and I am there for them in return in whatever capacity I can be helpful with. That's relationship.

[Ididitmyway]

Yes, I have..sort of..

In my first therapy I didn't exactly quit on my own. My first T basically kicked me out but not in a professional way by simply referring me out. He just started acting like a jerk when I started confronting him about things he did that weren't helpful to me. The more it continued the more openly insulting and even verbally abusive he became. He was showing me clearly that I could get the hell out of there any time I wanted and that he wouldn't give a damn. And yet he wasn't referring me out. I guess, he wanted to keep collecting my checks despite the fact that the situation had become very unhealthy and destructive for both. Besides, I've noticed that honestly telling a client "I don't feel competent enough to continue to work with you and that's why I am referring you to So-and-So" is not something therapists like to say, ever, even though professional ethics require them to do so when things get intense.

Anyway, in my second therapy experience I quit myself but it was very difficult due to strong attachment/transference and such. At some point, I needed something different and realized that my second T wouldn't be able to provide it. It took me a couple of months to struggle with the decision to quit and then I just did it. I guess, I just called and said that I wouldn't be coming back. I didn't need a so-called "closure" or termination session and my T didn't insist. When something isn't working anymore and you addressed it with that person and nothing changed there is really nothing to discuss further.

And in my third therapy experience, when therapy was terminated, the relationship didn't end but turned into a personal/social one. That relationship ended when I realized that I was exploited. It was ended mutually and also with no discussion. It actually felt like a relief. Even though I was hurting badly from the trauma of abuse, the ending felt good, natural and necessary.

There is a lot to say about each one of the above experiences, would be more than enough for a book..

There were therapists I interviewed and saw briefly in between, but I quit seeing each one of them pretty soon and very easily whenever they did something I considered unacceptable and unworkable. I realized by then that asking a therapist to change some of the things they are doing is just to foster a false hope. It's like trying to change a partner or anyone. They are who they are and it's my choice to accept them as they are and try to take the best they could offer or to leave and find something that suits me better. Given how expensive psychotherapy is and how much emotional resources and time it takes and, most importantly, how harmful the "side effects" were for me, I was no longer willing to waste a penny of my money or a minute of my time if I didn't like something. I am also no longer willing to pay for emotional support and validation. I prefer to build real relationships in my real life where those things are given to me at no charge. Therapy, as I see it, should help me learn how to build those relationships outside of therapy office instead of offering a replacement to them.

Anyway, sorry, it's a bit too long, but I hope I answered your question.

[Luce]

'I' suddenly walked away from term therapy years ago and had no other support system to rely on. I guess there were unique circumstances though - I have DID and it was another group in my system took over and wanted nothing to do with therapy. From a 'whole person' perspective it did free up time and energy for those others in my system to make connections with other people. So even though we lost the support of T and others related to therapy we practiced other relationship skills in the 'real world'.

For those of us that were involved in the therapy though... it is years and years later and some still feel intense grief for the loss of our T. We should never have left when we did - we were still far too vulnerable.

Maybe you would also have that conflict about quitting... I think it does involve both sometimes - a sense of freedom and opportunity for other things AND a sense of loss.

We have experienced very short term therapy with a couple of different Ts since then, and it is different now. Like another poster said, I (we) are different, with a different life view and more experiences under the belt. I do wish I could be back with that long term t with my current knowledge and skills... I would be able to get a lot more out of the process.

[retro_chic]

I took a two year break after about 2.5 years of therapy. At the time I didn't know it was just a break, I thought I was done with therapy forever but a stressful final semester at university last year triggered some intense anxiety which lead to a whole load of stuff getting stirred up again. I started therapy again at the end of last year and I'm prepared for the long haul.

[songofthesea]

Also toying with the idea - could just leave it because not as sad as I was, but according to various pro-therapy texts this could just be yet more avoidance. Zzzzz.

[Coco3]

I ended therapy last year, which turned out to be a break. In some ways I was doing really well after therapy. There was so much to learn about the new me and I grew even stronger. Unfortunately there were some issues that I couldn’t resolve on my own, that made me go back to my former T for some guidance. It wasn’t easy to decide to go back because I had been struggling all those months with my strong attachment for T and grieving his loss. Also it felt bit like failure.

I’m glad I finally called him and went back in therapy, it needed to be done. Next time I leave therapy I will be much more balanced and confident about handling life on my own and with my friends and family. It’s something I thought I felt last year, but now I can see I wasn’t ready. Therapy ended too soon because I was so sad over losing my T. I couldn’t handle seeing him and gradually work towards termination, it was too painful. Like a bandaid that’s better ripped off at once and not slowly.

Therapy will end somewhere this year and I think I won’t go back to therapy soon after that. I can see myself going back someday, because I’m a scarred person and life can be rough. I’m sometimes blaming myself for being weak and needing the help, but I shouldn’t, it’s really okay to need help sometimes.

Especially the first time of therapy, my T was a safety net. I had never felt comfortable to ask anyone but my H for help, which felt very lonely. This second time, I’m not needing him that much, I turn to other people first. Not only my H but my friends too. I feel safer and more comfortable to do that now, all though it’s still hard. And it's something I'll have to remain aware of and to push myself to do. I hope I'll get more comfortable with it over time.

Something Lola said on this page really touched me:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

When I would decide years later to return to therapy, each time I was in a different stage in my life, and while some of the deeper issues were the same, I was older and had learned more about myself on my own so I was actually better able to define what I needed with each subsequent return to therapy.

I think this will apply to me in the future. The deeper issues will always be there, but when you age, you’ll continue to learn to more about yourself and what you need. I’m still learning that that’s how it works and that it’s okay. That’s why this paragraph touched me.

[TishaBuv]

I have had a long, rocky road. Too hard to describe here.

As of now, I am trying to help myself, using this forum for support, taking an anti depressant that is prescribed by a rheumatologist for pain, not sure about the accuracy of the depression and PTSD diagnoses given me by two different psychiatrists (each one different).

While going through the process of 'what is wrong with me?', my mother and two sisters were my support group. We talked endlessly about my issue, which is an intimacy/relationship problem with my husband. No real resolution. I don't even mention it anymore. The problem still occurs. I've been to hell and back, on and on...

[LonesomeTonight]

I've walked away a couple times, generally for work reasons (changed jobs or had longer hours) or because my T was moving, and gone without therapy for periods up to 5 years or so. This is the longest I've been with one T (4.5 years), and I'm finding it helpful because I'm having more time to build trust and delve deeper into issues.

What made me come back to therapy after the breaks were increased stress in my life, leading to increased anxiety and/or depression, which made me feel I needed professional support/help. In the most recent case, it was a bit after my daughter was born, and I was having really bad anxiety/panic and some depression.

[stopdog]

I will probably be leaving this third time soon. The two I see are both in their 70s and I mostly use them now to rail at the awfulness and absurdity of how the mds and hospitals work and then go deal with the stupidity of the health care system for my person. The first therapist I saw in my 20s for a couple of years- we became friends after. The second one was batshit crazy and I only saw her for a couple of months - about 17 or so years after the first try. And now I am on my 3rd.

[velcro003]

I walked away from my previous therapist of 5 years pretty abruptly. We had slowed sessions down to every other week because I was having such a hard time coming up with things to talk about/the pressure of filling in the silence was leaving me extremely frustrated. Finally I decided it just wasn't working, and emailed her that I was done. She offered me to come in one more time, but I declined.

I felt guilty about it for awhile, but not enough to change it. I took about a year break before I realized i still need therapy, and have found a T where every session flies by even if it is very difficult.

[guilloche]

Yup. In my 20s and early 30s, I tried therapy... got kicked out of therapy, tried more therapy, and pretty much had a miserable time of it. The last therapist (during that time period) - I saw for 3 years, and made no progress. I think she was trying to give me space and not push, to help me feel safe, which I needed... but I also needed help with how to effectively use therapy.

I ended up with some physical problems (hand problems from constant typing, much better now) and left therapy to deal with that. In reality, after 3 years with no progress, I didn't feel particularly hopeful about it ever being helpful. I was sort of glad for the excuse to leave.

I left for about 7 years. It was not hard, because I hadn't had anything that seemed good or helpful as therapy. In fact, it's really hard for me to understand what the experience must be like for those, like lolagrace, that *like* therapy. I never liked it - it has always felt like torture and not being seen/understood.

So, leaving was not hard for me. I busied myself with work, saving money to become a little more financially stable, hobbies/distractions, and bought a townhouse.

After 7 years, I found a new therapist - the one that I just left in January. I liked him, and I really *tried* to make it work. I had help from the people here (I wouldn't have lasted the 18 months with him without some of the advice I got here). I tried. He tried. But in the end, I still felt like he wasn't understanding me... I felt invisible. And, it wasn't helping.

I kind of regret the 7 year break. I feel like I'm so far behind, emotionally, in my life. I feel like the long break allowed things to get worse... I've been thinking about this lately. I think it's like home repairs... if you find a leaky pipe in your house, and you get it fixed right away, it might not be a big deal... maybe a couple hundred dollars, and if you're lucky, no other damage. If you don't get it fixed, and just leave it leaking for the next 10 years, you'll have all kinds of damage... water damage, mold, possibly a bigger leak, etc. And it will be harder and more expensive to fix.

That's what my life feels like... I really *wish* more than anything that any of the several therapists that I'd met and worked with in my 20s and 30s had worked out. I wish that any of them had been able to provide some sense of safety, and of being seen/understood. I wish that the one "expert" I got to see hadn't been too busy writing her book at the time to take me on as a client.

I don't know if this helps at all. If you've had good therapy experiences and have grown from them, then I can see how a break could be useful to consolidate what you've learned and to move forward with your life, using what therapy has taught you.

Good luck with it. I find you do end up finding somebody wonderful, kind, and helpful.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I left when my ex-T was talking to her rock she thought was alive and was always touching me. She talked to the rock more than me. I hope the rock had good insurance. Seriously though, I wish I had left her sooner and was so happy to be free of her. I left other T's that were bad.

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[UglyDucky]

I didn't exactly walk away from therapy, but I stopped going when my T moved 25 years ago. I thought I was getting along pretty well until last year...I'd worked good jobs in the past 25 years, spent time with family I hadn't seen for decades. But I didn't have friends I could depend on; more like acquaintances. Then I started losing words; couldn't come up with the words I needed to complete sentences. My PCP sent me for a psych eval to rule out early onset dementia, etc. and I ended up back in therapy. Best thing I've done for myself.

Everyone's reasons for therapy are different. In the 25 years since my last therapy, many new therapies have surfaced - and many discoveries about causes of different emotional issues have come to light. As good as my therapist was 25 years ago, we didn't get to the heart of my problems; I didn't know what I felt and I wasn't as invested in therapy then as I am now. And my current therapist works differently - different sex, knows what the psych eval revealed and is targeting therapy to address those issues.

Because of my particular problems, I wouldn't have made close friends, regardless of how much I wanted them. I spent so much time out of touch with people in close personal relationships that I developed cognitive issues, depression, anxiety. I've gotten my words back and we're working on the avoidant personality traits I acquired due to insecure attachment in childhood. My relationship to my current T is much closer than I had w/my last T, too.

I think you know yourself better than anyone, growly. If you think you'll be able to make close friends fairly soon, see how that support works. If it doesn't seem to be enough, look for another T. Or find a T to be the bridge until you find friends you can rely on.

I certainly wish you lots of luck as you move forward. And I'll be looking for updates on how you're faring...w/a new T or w/out.

[AncientMelody]

I'm seeing my psychiatrist, who is my therapist, for the last time next week. I will not be pursuing a new therapist at this time. It has been found recently that a large degree of my mental health symptoms were from an underlying physical illness so I'm hoping that getting that treated will make a world of difference. Therapy could be potentially helpful in other ways, but an expense my husband and I could do without right now. Not ruling out finding another therapist down the line, but o don't it would be in anything less than a year from now

I tried therapy a bunch of years ago, two different t's, the first one I stormed out of the first session because he was a jerk, the 2nd one I had no connection with and went infrequently for about 6 months maybe and then just didn't call for another appointment. The only time I've ever been in successful therapy is now, with current t, and I have yet to leave her...