Valid or not???

Teddy:) · Jun 23, 2016 at 07:27 PM

What would your thoughts and feelings be if your T (whom you a very attached too) failed to prepare you for a separation? When a large amount of your work together has been to do with learning to trust again and working through your massive fear of abandonment?
Is it reasonable to feel very hurt and let down?

rainbow8 · Jun 23, 2016 at 08:27 PM

How long will the separation be? I would expect my T to discuss it ahead of time and she does, even if it's only a week. I would feel hurt, I think. Is it possible your T was waiting for you to bring it up, or thought you were okay with the separation? I'm sorry she didn't prepare you.

therapyishelping777 · Jun 23, 2016 at 09:10 PM

Yes, sorry that is hard to even think about... I remember when my support group ended abruptly and I talked to my T about this and he said , if it was a therapeutic relationship they are supposed to give at least a few weeks typically a month or even more to process the transition. He is super ethical .

Jun 23, 2016 at 09:10 PM

this happened to me years ago. my first therapist dumped me one night out of nowhere- no warning, no signs, and after hundreds of promises to never abandon me. i went one night, she told me that she was just done. i dont even know what i did. she never explained. and it broke my heart and took me years and years to recover from.
it took me years to trust even slightly. i still rarely trust anyone even a tiny bit. i still feel abandoned, hurt, angry, scared, and sad.

rainbow8 · Jun 23, 2016 at 09:25 PM

Do you mean a permanent separation or temporary? I thought you meant like a vacation.

Rive. · Jun 23, 2016 at 09:51 PM

That depends on the context and circumstances surrounding this 'separation'. Was it planned or unexpected?

Sometimes life happens which means Ts don't have time to prepare for a separation, in particular if it was unplanned or sudden. In which case, sadness might be on the cards but I would not blame the T for something that was not anticipated and just happened.

Jun 23, 2016 at 10:00 PM

I would be extremely hurt, feel abandoned, used and dumped again.

Teddy:) · Jun 23, 2016 at 10:08 PM

Sorry I should of said its not a forever separation, just a vacation. It was a planned vacation that i was not told about until just before T left. Its 14 days which doesn't seem long but the longest I have been without contact is 4days so it kind of hurts that it was dumped on me like this, with very little warning

Rive. · Jun 24, 2016 at 01:53 AM

Thank you for clarifying Teddy. In this case, i believe T ought to have prepared you rather than dumping it on you last minute. Esp as he knew it was important for you. Seems he took a (major) step back in the establishment of trust between the two of you.

Do you think you will bring it up with him upon his return? He ought to be more consistent, imo.

Teddy:) · Jun 24, 2016 at 02:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

Thank you for clarifying Teddy. In this case, i believe T ought to have prepared you rather than dumping it on you last minute. Esp as he knew it was important for you. Seems he took a (major) step back in the establishment of trust between the two of you.

Do you think you will bring it up with him upon his return? He ought to be more consistent, imo.

Thanks for you reply! Part of me wants to discuss it but I don't know, I just feel wrong for feeling this way!

Rive. · Jun 24, 2016 at 03:19 AM

I don't see anything wrong with how you are feeling Teddy. I think he could have handled it better: talked it out, maybe given you a little piece of 'him' to hold on to (voicemail, something from his office...whatever really).

Imo he did you a disservice by his lack of sensitivity(?) or at least lack of foresight.

Might be worth exploring with him: as in, hey T if you leave again could we ensure I get some advance notice... Doesn't have to be a hot and heavy conversation, but i think he needs to know. Trust and consistency are very important and he could learn something here i.e. what *not* to do.

Hang in there Teddy (((Teddy)))

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 24, 2016 at 05:06 AM

Unless it was some sort of emergency, my T would never just leave for 2 weeks w/o a lot of notice. She tells me everything as in advance as she can. She knows I need time to process the absence.

Teddy:) · Jun 24, 2016 at 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Unless it was some sort of emergency, my T would never just leave for 2 weeks w/o a lot of notice. She tells me everything as in advance as she can. She knows I need time to process the absence.

That's the thing that hurts the most- the part where T knew my needs surrounding separations and just did nothing about it. I have a transitional item that I always take home with me when T goes away and one that i give to T to take- it keeps me remembering T's presence but this was also forgotten. So as well as no contact I have nothing to hold onto.
It just sucks

Coco3 · Jun 24, 2016 at 08:51 AM

I would've been hurt if my T didn't mention his absence in advance. Especially when he knows how it affects me.

stopdog · Jun 24, 2016 at 09:00 AM

I have found that most of them err on the side of excessive notification. Like a month or so in advance. Granted, my own reaction is more of the "good lord I can live without you altogether, so a vacation does not need this sort of thing" but I think therapists themselves believe clients often have difficulty with their absence so that the OPs response seems to me to be what therapists themselves expect from all clients.

Jun 24, 2016 at 10:24 AM

I guess my reaction is that it is only two weeks. Yes, maybe a week's notice would be nice, but it was not unusual to go a couple of weeks between sessions for me, so it would not be a big deal. I just consider it a vacation from therapy for me which is not a bad thing.

Waterbear · Jun 24, 2016 at 10:49 AM

I would be very upset at this. We are moving to a new room of my Ts house soon and when we went to have a look at it before we move in it was hard. I was OK until we got back inside but then I felt all weird. Just saying that things aren't always as easy as they seem. I thought it would be fine, but it wasn't. Now my T is saying no rush about the move and I trust her to let me take a look, come back and just generally 'transition' at a speed that is right for me. You should be able to trust your T to do right by you.

missbella · Jun 24, 2016 at 12:12 PM

An appointment schedule shouldn't be the therapist's closely guarded secret. Maybe the client might want to make his own plans during the hiatus.

Chummy2 · Jun 24, 2016 at 05:19 PM

Your feelings are valid. Therapist usually know weeks if not months in advance when their vacations are. Especially if you haven't been more than a few days without help and he knows about your needings surrounding seperations.

There have been a few times I've gone a week without therapy, so that's a total of two weeks not seeing T. That was still aright for me. My other T usually told me about two weeks in advanced. Last summer she was away for 2,5 weeks, but I couldn't see her for 4 whole weeks because there was no time available. She said things like ''time will fly by'' and ''you can do this''. After two weeks it got harder for me. And I was a little bit angry about her acting so easily about it.

waterlogged · Jun 24, 2016 at 10:10 PM

I don't post here much but I read a lot.

My T gives months and months of notice about planned missed sessions. Like I got her entire summer schedule in March, including dates into August. Even though the separations are really hard for me, I know they are coming, and can sometimes dial down the intensity in anticipation of a longer break.

Last week, she got sick - cancelled my session morning of, and then canceled the next week (I go 3x/week). It was really disorienting for me - probably partially because we have so much time to process breaks beforehand. In over 2 years, she's never cancelled like this. She missed a few sessions when her mother died, but that's it. She starts on time, ends on time, and is super consistent. I would have a hard time trusting someone who wasn't.

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Teddy:) Member Member Since Nov 2013 Location: In a house! Posts: 163 10 23 hugs given	Jun 23, 2016 at 07:27 PM #1 What would your thoughts and feelings be if your T (whom you a very attached too) failed to prepare you for a separation? When a large amount of your work together has been to do with learning to trust again and working through your massive fear of abandonment? Is it reasonable to feel very hurt and let down?
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rainbow8 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: US Posts: 13,284 (SuperPoster!) 15 9,983 hugs given	Jun 23, 2016 at 08:27 PM #2 How long will the separation be? I would expect my T to discuss it ahead of time and she does, even if it's only a week. I would feel hurt, I think. Is it possible your T was waiting for you to bring it up, or thought you were okay with the separation? I'm sorry she didn't prepare you.
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therapyishelping777 Member Member Since Jun 2016 Location: usa Posts: 488 8 134 hugs given	Jun 23, 2016 at 09:10 PM #3 Yes, sorry that is hard to even think about... I remember when my support group ended abruptly and I talked to my T about this and he said , if it was a therapeutic relationship they are supposed to give at least a few weeks typically a month or even more to process the transition. He is super ethical .
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rainbow8 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: US Posts: 13,284 (SuperPoster!) 15 9,983 hugs given	Jun 23, 2016 at 09:25 PM #5 Do you mean a permanent separation or temporary? I thought you meant like a vacation.
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,045 10	Jun 23, 2016 at 09:51 PM #6 That depends on the context and circumstances surrounding this 'separation'. Was it planned or unexpected? Sometimes life happens which means Ts don't have time to prepare for a separation, in particular if it was unplanned or sudden. In which case, sadness might be on the cards but I would not blame the T for something that was not anticipated and just happened.
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Anonymous37816 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 23, 2016 at 10:00 PM #7 I would be extremely hurt, feel abandoned, used and dumped again.
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Teddy:) Member Member Since Nov 2013 Location: In a house! Posts: 163 10 23 hugs given	Jun 23, 2016 at 10:08 PM #8 Sorry I should of said its not a forever separation, just a vacation. It was a planned vacation that i was not told about until just before T left. Its 14 days which doesn't seem long but the longest I have been without contact is 4days so it kind of hurts that it was dumped on me like this, with very little warning
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,045 10	Jun 24, 2016 at 01:53 AM #9 Thank you for clarifying Teddy. In this case, i believe T ought to have prepared you rather than dumping it on you last minute. Esp as he knew it was important for you. Seems he took a (major) step back in the establishment of trust between the two of you. Do you think you will bring it up with him upon his return? He ought to be more consistent, imo.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,450 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,524 hugs given	Jun 24, 2016 at 05:06 AM #12 Unless it was some sort of emergency, my T would never just leave for 2 weeks w/o a lot of notice. She tells me everything as in advance as she can. She knows I need time to process the absence. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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Coco3 Veteran Member Member Since Mar 2015 Location: Somewhere Posts: 508 9 957 hugs given	Jun 24, 2016 at 08:51 AM #14 I would've been hurt if my T didn't mention his absence in advance. Especially when he knows how it affects me.
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Anonymous50005 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 24, 2016 at 10:24 AM #16 I guess my reaction is that it is only two weeks. Yes, maybe a week's notice would be nice, but it was not unusual to go a couple of weeks between sessions for me, so it would not be a big deal. I just consider it a vacation from therapy for me which is not a bad thing.
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missbella Grand Poohbah Member Since Jun 2010 Location: here Posts: 1,845 14 814 hugs given	Jun 24, 2016 at 12:12 PM #18 An appointment schedule shouldn't be the therapist's closely guarded secret. Maybe the client might want to make his own plans during the hiatus. __________________ https://disequilibrium1.wordpress.co...aks-her-piece/
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