[88Butterfly88]

I previously brought up in another thread that a asked me if I thought she was mysterious because she was black (I had called her mysterious) and then she asked me if her race bothered me.

Well she keeps bringing up her race and culture. She told me one day that someone once assumed she couldn't understand simple words because she is African (how would she know for sure that was the reason?, could have been but just saying). She's Nigerian and she said something about that in Nigeria it's rude to look people in the eye so she had to learn that especially being in the profession she is in. She seems fine with eye contact, perhaps she feels off? Then she is complaining about her hair and that it is so hard to comb but that she just has to accept it because she'll never be a white person.

I don't think I'll be leaving her but does this seem a little odd to anyone else? I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid she'll assume I'm being racist.

I was okay with it up until this point:

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

but that she just has to accept it because she'll never be a white person.

That sounds like she's the one needing therapy, and those issues of hers have no place in your therapy. I couldn't work with a T who used the hour to talk about their own issues.

[ilikecats]

It's weird I think. How was her tone when she said she'll never be a white person? Could it have been a joke of some sort? That's the weirdest part to me. Complaining about hair is something a lot of people do. But it's weird she was doing that during your therapy. Does she take up a lot of your time talking about her?

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[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I was okay with it up until this point:


That sounds like she's the one needing therapy, and those issues of hers have no place in your therapy. I couldn't work with a T who used the hour to talk about their own issues.

She doesn't use that much time talking about it. Do you think I should just nicely ask her not to talk about her own issues?

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

It's weird I think. How was her tone when she said she'll never be a white person? Could it have been a joke of some sort? That's the weirdest part to me. Complaining about hair is something a lot of people do. But it's weird she was doing that during your therapy. Does she take up a lot of your time talking about her?

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Not a lot of time, no. It was her normal tone of voice. I don't think it was meant to be a joke.

[88Butterfly88]

I mean she does talk about herself more than my previous therapists but usually she relates it to me somehow. The hair thing had nothing to do with me though.

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

She doesn't use that much time talking about it. Do you think I should just nicely ask her not to talk about her own issues?

I think you just need to be honest about how you feel. If you frame it in the context of your feelings a good therapist will take that on board.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I think you just need to be honest about how you feel. If you frame it in the context of your feelings a good therapist will take that on board.

Yeah, that makes sense, thank you.

[Argonautomobile]

I'd find a new T if it were me. I don't pay to listen to my T talk about their hair, be it black, white, or neon green.

[Myrto]

She sounds like she has issues. And she's using your time to deal with them apparently. Not good. I couldn't work with someone like that.

[88Butterfly88]

I feel like I'm playing a game of musical therapists, I just can't seem to find a good one. I'll talk to her if this continues. I'm just so sick of switching therapists. I need support now, not whenever I get used to another new therapist.

[MobiusPsyche]

As long as it wasn't a distraction from my own therapy, I don't know that I'd switch therapists over it.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

As long as it wasn't a distraction from my own therapy, I don't know that I'd switch therapists over it.

I was thinking that.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

I was thinking that.

I think there's a deeper problem.

I read something awhile ago (I wish I could remember where it was). I can't remember the details, but the gist was... the therapist shouldn't behave in a "social" manner - because the social cues frame the relationship as a social relationship, and a therapy relationship is fundamentally different.

In a social relationship, for example, both people take turns supporting and empathizing with each other, but in a therapy relationship, you shouldn't really need to support your therapist. In theory, the exchange of money makes it "not social" (i.e. instead of giving support to your therapist, you're giving them money).

Anyway, the thing that struck me was that they mentioned how, in a social relationship, we have all these unspoken rules, for example, around what we can and can't talk about. You might not talk about too much about your anxiety or depression or desire to self-harm, for example, in a social relationship to avoid making the other person uncomfortable.

So... what I wonder... the things that she's saying, to me they sound very "social". It sounds like two friends getting together, and one complaining about her hair, or about how others perceive her based on her nationality.

That's fine for friends, but in a therapeutic relationship, it runs the risk of making things more social and less focused on your healing... and might influence how comfortable you are talking to her about important things.

It also sounds really... young, maybe? to me. Is she not very experienced? She sounds like she's not confident or comfortable with her place in the world yet. For me, that would be a deal-breaker. I need someone who is stable and comfortable with themselves... but maybe it's not for you?

Just some more thoughts. Reading her comments made me uncomfortable, but this stuff is always hard to figure out third person, since we didn't get to experience how it was said, and context is everything!

Good luck. I understand not wanting to keep looking... it's really hard!

[feralkittymom]

I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid she'll assume I'm being racist.

So you're in a position in which you're already censoring yourself. I don't see how this will get better.

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

I previously brought up in another thread that a asked me if I thought she was mysterious because she was black (I had called her mysterious) and then she asked me if her race bothered me.

Well she keeps bringing up her race and culture. She told me one day that someone once assumed she couldn't understand simple words because she is African (how would she know for sure that was the reason?, could have been but just saying). She's Nigerian and she said something about that in Nigeria it's rude to look people in the eye so she had to learn that especially being in the profession she is in. She seems fine with eye contact, perhaps she feels off? Then she is complaining about her hair and that it is so hard to comb but that she just has to accept it because she'll never be a white person.

I don't think I'll be leaving her but does this seem a little odd to anyone else? I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid she'll assume I'm being racist.

You say you won't be leaving her? Perhaps focus on that.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I think there's a deeper problem.

I read something awhile ago (I wish I could remember where it was). I can't remember the details, but the gist was... the therapist shouldn't behave in a "social" manner - because the social cues frame the relationship as a social relationship, and a therapy relationship is fundamentally different.

In a social relationship, for example, both people take turns supporting and empathizing with each other, but in a therapy relationship, you shouldn't really need to support your therapist. In theory, the exchange of money makes it "not social" (i.e. instead of giving support to your therapist, you're giving them money).

Anyway, the thing that struck me was that they mentioned how, in a social relationship, we have all these unspoken rules, for example, around what we can and can't talk about. You might not talk about too much about your anxiety or depression or desire to self-harm, for example, in a social relationship to avoid making the other person uncomfortable.

So... what I wonder... the things that she's saying, to me they sound very "social". It sounds like two friends getting together, and one complaining about her hair, or about how others perceive her based on her nationality.

That's fine for friends, but in a therapeutic relationship, it runs the risk of making things more social and less focused on your healing... and might influence how comfortable you are talking to her about important things.

It also sounds really... young, maybe? to me. Is she not very experienced? She sounds like she's not confident or comfortable with her place in the world yet. For me, that would be a deal-breaker. I need someone who is stable and comfortable with themselves... but maybe it's not for you?

Just some more thoughts. Reading her comments made me uncomfortable, but this stuff is always hard to figure out third person, since we didn't get to experience how it was said, and context is everything!

Good luck. I understand not wanting to keep looking... it's really hard!

I never thought of that, but yeah, you're right. Maybe because I called her mysterious she thinks if she acts more social I'll be more comfortable? I don't know. She said she's been counseling for 10 years.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid she'll assume I'm being racist.

So you're in a position in which you're already censoring yourself. I don't see how this will get better.

Yeah, I guess I do feel censored. It's weird.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

You say you won't be leaving her? Perhaps focus on that.

I'll try to. I just needed to vent.

It seems like your T hasn't been able to coomuincate with you well over this, and has not been attuned to you. It is likely that more difficult and painful things will come up in your relationship sometime. I'm wondering if she will be able to be responsive and attuned to you when these more difficult things come up?

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

It seems like your T hasn't been able to coomuincate with you well over this, and has not been attuned to you. It is likely that more difficult and painful things will come up in your relationship sometime. I'm wondering if she will be able to be responsive and attuned to you when these more difficult things come up?

To be fair, I haven't been seeing her for too long and I am a complicated person. But you could be right. I'm hoping she'll become more attuned to me as we get to know each other better.