Feeling Disconnected from Therapist

I have abandonment fears and lately have been feeling disconnected from my therapist. This is really bothering me.

A few weeks ago, we had a three week break, during which I made progress by not contacting him the whole time he was gone. The progress seems to be backfiring, if that makes sense.

Now that we have had two sessions, I'm having difficulty feeling attached to him. This disconnect is stirring up my abandonment fears. I asked for an extra appointment and I see him again on Monday. Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments are welcome.

You say "you made progress by not contacting him the whole time". Thats kind of like saying, "hey im rich now" but not telling us you robbed a bank. You know? You say the good result, but it sounds like the means to that result were hard on you, because of what is NOT said or that the t values the result more than your pain. Plus i think its always hard to restart.

I'm in a similar place, where I used to e-mail my T regularly, then about a month ago, she seemed to decide that e-mail wasn't helping me, so suggested I not do it anymore. We had a talk that led to a bit of a rupture, then I thought we resolved that. But the past few weeks, I haven't been e-mailing her and have been feeling really disconnected. Like not as open in sessions, less connected to her, etc. I felt like we'd become really connected for a period before that, too, so it's especially hard. I think she thought it would help me to not e-mail, but I think it's hurting... I'm thinking of talking to her about it in 2 weeks at our next session (I'm on vacation next week). Sounds like you plan to talk about it with your T too, which I think is a good idea.

Unaluna,
I hear what you are saying. To add more information, I was okay not contacting him . I took it one day at a time and made it without any major upsets. My T does not value the result more than my pain. It is hard to restart, you're right. I'm trying to be patient with myself but I'm finding it difficult. I don't want to be a disappointment, burden, if I can help it. My T is not pushing me at all to do this. Thank you.

LonesomeTonight -
I'm sorry that you are in the place where you can't email. I'm afraid that if I don't stop texting him on my own, that he will tell me I can't anymore which would be devastating. I feel for you. I hope you do talk to your T about how it helped you to email. Let us know. My T won't encourage it nor will he discourage it thus far. He's not the problem now, it's me and my fear that it will end. I will talk to him about it Monday hopefully. For some background, X T ended up getting sick of me contacting him and ended it. That relationship did not end well. This therapist is the best and I'm trying to trust him with this. Take care.

Have you told your T how you feel? That you feel disconnected? I went though an identical situation a few months ago. I told T that I felt we'd lost the emotional connection we had. I'm not sure things have gotten better, but I felt better telling T. My anxiety and depression over abandonment issues has gotten so bad that I can't function some days, but there seems little reason to call T...what's T going to do? Anyway, I understand how you feel and what you're going through. Sometimes, it takes a huge leap by the client to disclose something that you need to talk about but are afraid to share. Closeness comes when people share personal information.

Have you told your T how you feel? That you feel disconnected? I went though an identical situation a few months ago. I told T that I felt we'd lost the emotional connection we had. I'm not sure things have gotten better, but I felt better telling T. My anxiety and depression over abandonment issues has gotten so bad that I can't function some days, but there seems little reason to call T...what's T going to do? Anyway, I understand how you feel and what you're going through. Sometimes, it takes a huge leap by the client to disclose something that you need to talk about but are afraid to share. Closeness comes when people share personal information.

UglyDuckling,
I have read T my notes that frequently say I don't feel attached to him, I feel disconnected from him, but my notes are long and he doesn't seem to respond this this part of what I say. I'll share it directly with him and ask him what I can do about it. Thank you for your response, I hear you when you talk about your anxiety and depression about abandonment fears, I hope we both can overcome this.

I totally agree with you on that. Same thing happened to me and I felt a disconnect. I think my disconnect somehow influenced her disconnect as well. I'm sure she sensed something going on. Perhaps she though that by not emailing that she was helping and that she was going to help attain certain results but everything got worse from there on. Things led to me not seeing her anymore. It's better to address things now than for it lead to where in at now with no T and feeling abandoned.

Maybe not feeling attached is about protecting yourself. From what? Feelings of anger and abandonment you felt during the break but suppressed?

I think this is a really great post to think about in regards to what is going on for you. I know that for myself, if I felt that I was being a burden or that I might be acting in a way that would cause my T to consider me being "too needy", I'd pull back (ie. stopped emailing). I'd try to be a "good compliant client" so that my T wouldn't terminate me. This was inside of me, nothing that my T commented on or expressed displeasure in. It was because of my own abandonment issues. Trouble is, because I tried to solve things without talking them through with my T, I found myself pulling back and closing or shutting down my emotions connected to need to stay connected or attached to my T. What was the results? The next few sessions would be uncomfortable, unconnected and frustrating. For me, I was feeling angry and resentful about my perceived need "control" my desire for connection to my T. It's like I was saying, "So, you're probably feeling overwhelmed by me. Well, I don't need you! I can do without you! I don't need to contact you or reach out and check to see if you're still there! I can do this alone. I'm not going to give you any reason to know how much I need you."

Then like a little kid (because inside, I was emotionally very young), I'd fold my arms, stick out my lip and deny my need to contact her. But when we resumed sessions, that young, resentful feeling lingered inside and got in the way. They were deep feelings and not one I really understood, but they were there. It took me a while to work through and process the feelings, but overtime, I realized that I was actually pulling away from exactly what I needed--human connection and communication with my T. Talk about your disconnected feelings with your T honestly and openly. Hopefully, he is skilled enough to assist you in moving through these feelings successfully. Good luck.

**I say I hope your T is skillful, because I freely admit that there are a LOT of T who do not understand or grasp abandonment issues. They allow out of session contact but tire of it quickly if it's not resolved in a few months and tell clients that they need to stop emailing, calling or texting or whatever. I wish more T's were fully trained in abandonment/attachment, and if they weren't up for the "long haul" that they'd refer a client out before taking on a client who is going to require, care, calm, compassion and commitment. Too many aren't well-trained and they end up retraumatizing clients.

I'm confused. I was busy suggesting what might be going on for you.
Believe me, I've been there a million times with T and still do go there.

Thanks, I needed to read that and it hit home. I opened up to my T a couple of weeks ago and she just didn't get it, how important what I was telling her was; what I needed from her etc etc. Instead she gave me space and I read that as she didn't care. We moved on to another topic and I was angry afterwards. Ever since I have been distancing myself emotionally and physically. Not wanting to sit close, not emailing, being far more cognitive and not allowing my feelings to be at all. I am closing off and shutting down just as you describe, saying I don't need her, I can do it on my own, so as not to get hurt, but I am hurting more because of my response to it all.

I can't say what I am going to do about it though because it is so damn difficult. I have always done this life on my own, I have never needed anyone before, but to get what I want in life I think this is what I must do, build relationships and try to learn that maybe life could be better if I needed other people once in a while.

Sorry if you were confused by my response to the OP. My post was not directed to what you might or might not be experiencing. I was addressing the OP's comment about attachment to her T and her feeling of disconnection and simply reposted your comment as a good example of what might be happening for her. Sorry to hear that you "still go there." Hope it gets better for you.

That is a really insightful analysis of what might be going on for you, Waterbear. Feeling as though your T "doesn't care" after a break in connection and responding by pushing your T away is a pretty common response for many of us who experience abandonment issues. And yeah, it is pretty "damn difficult" to feel that. If at all possible, talk about your above analysis with your T. If you can't bring yourself to say the words, read the above post to her and then elaborate on it. It really is a great description of what's going on for you. I can definitely relate.

Sarmas, I hear you. Good point in your disconnect might have influenced your T's disconnect also. I am able to text my T still, but because he is trusting me with this, I feel an obligation to try to not text. My last T ended emailing, which in hindsight wasn't a bad idea as I would send him angry emails. But this T and I have a good relationship. It's hard when T's end allowing emails, I'm so sorry it ended in you not seeing your T anymore, I know how that feels. Take care.

I've wondered if what you're saying is true, that I am protecting myself from fear of abandonment during the break. I didn't feel disconnected during the break, which is why I was able to make it without texting him. I knew the whole time that our therapy relationship was okay. It's like I felt okay during the break, but maybe a part of me wanted to text him if that makes sense. Maybe as you say, I was suppressing that part of me. Because the week after vacation and this past week, I've texted him and feel I have to. I think he hates me sometimes although I know he doesn't. And I text to make sure we are okay.

What you say really hits home. I am ashamed of my neediness. My T is really good. When I talked to him about texting him, he doesn't really respond. I think he doesn't want to encourage it or discourage it. He knows I am getting better. Because T has been so generous of his home time by letting me text, I feel that my job is to work on not texting. Maybe this is just coming from me, but when he doesn't tell me it's okay to text, don't worry about it, it makes me think that he doesn't want me to do it anymore. And this scares me. I want to talk to him about it but he knows not to say too much because it will trigger me. But if it's too much for him, I'd rather him tell me although it would trigger me. I am getting better, I am feeling better, and during the break I was fine not texting him. I almost did twice, but I waited and ended up not needing to. But that made the part of me that feels abandoned afraid. It's like I'm trying to deal with the part of me that feels abandoned but sometimes feel overwhelmed by it. I see him on Wednesday and I will talk to him about this, although I am afraid. I'm not sure what I'll say to him. Thanks to everyone who has responded, all of you have really helped me. Take care.

I hear you, I keep coming back to this issue. I think that is how it is worked through, hopefully it gets less daunting. The time apart started all of this but I've been through it before myself and will continue to do so I suspect.

I'm sorry your therapist didn't focus on what you needed. That is painful when that happens. I hope you do talk to her about this. I am struggling and my therapist has handled my neediness in a kind, compassionate way. He also wants me to make progress, and I keep wondering when he is going to get sick of me texting which is scary. I hear you that you've been independent, but if you have an understanding therapist, I hope that you are able to bring this need up with her. The goal is to accept our neediness, which is difficult to do. The hope is that the therapist, as much as a therapist can, will accept the patient's neediness also without the patient feeling shamed. Let us know how it goes.

I pretty much could write this word for word.

Thank you. We have spoken about this when she missed what was needed, and she asked of I could tell her because it might help for the future. I couldn't. I did manage to tell her that I was embarrassed which is a major step. She is receptive to my needs, but isn't a mind reader. I have to learn to communicate. I have emailed her telling her that I have lots to say but it all feels too big for words and that I just need to reach out and tell her that I need her. I am just waiting for a response, which has always come in the past. Thanks.

This is a good thing, you reaching out and telling her you need her. It sounds like she will respond in an empathic, accepting way from what you say about her. I hear you when you say it is embarrassing, I still feel embarrassed when talking about my neediness. But I talk about it anyway.