[Sarmas]

I was just thinking about an issue that I came across with my sons T yesterday. Myn11 year old has been seeing a therapist since a little after my separation. Now I'm divorced and he sees a different T being that we had issues with our first T. I originally placed my son in therapy in order to cope an she'll him through this process plus he has pituitary dwarfism an shad imaging issues at times. His maturity is now that of a 5 or 6 year old but he's actually 11. There are times where he will answer and process things as an 11 year old and other times that he doesn't. I've been a single mom now for four years and communication with my son and his father has always been via my phone. His father has been pushing him to use his phone and bought that I bought him a phone in order for him to use it to communicate with him. I didn't buy him the phone I basically took my exs existing plan under my account and gave it to my son because he was using my phone for apps and sometimes for homework. righg before the divorce my ex said that he wanted to claim more time through the courts for my 15 year old who doesn't speak to him and my youngest. Now the divorce is through he causing issues. Now speaking through my phone is not good enough and my 11 year old doesn't want to use his phone to communicate. His father questions him all of the time which he doesn't like so I basically have to force him to talk to him. My sons T is now involved and said that she's been working with my ex in being more patient and not expecting for him to call and my son to drop everything to answer. She asked my son in return to either text or speak to him via his phone. My son said that he's not comfortable in doing so. I guess to him sees his phone as a source of entertainment. His T told me that I shouldn't have to get in the middle and I said that I would have to because if they don't communicate then my ex will tell the courts that there's a communication problem. In 4 years we had no issue and now after the divorce it's a big issue. She said to my 11 year old that if he doesn't comply then she will not intervene anything that needs to be said between him and his father. She said that she's preventing things from escalating. I don't think there's anything wrong on our part being that my ex can communicate with him at anytime. I feel that she's just trying to pacify him because he gets so intense. also my 15 year led and my 11 year old switched phones as well and he knew about the switching of phones but not phone numbers. She claimed that he knew and I said that he knew about the switching of phones but not phone numbers. Their T said tangy she didn't say anything and I told her that there's no other way he would know being that my youngest doesn't bring his phone to his fathers and the oldest doesn't see him at all. It's all confusing. Both of my boys questioned her as to why are even addressing something that was working and that now my ex is trying to make into an issue for court purposes. Their T said that if he can't comply then she doesn't know how to help him. He never asked for it and I just sat there baffled. I'm thinking so I ran out of work to take them to therapy for this. Now I'm trying to see how to approach things. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?

[AllHeart]

I admit I am a little confused by all of this so if my comments make no sense, I apologize.

Why not try to set up a communication agreement through the therapist that will work for the 11 year old and the father. Maybe there could be scheduled weekly calls between the two of them on certain days, at certain times, and for certain amounts of time. Or "x" amount of texts or emails per week. Might make things less stressful for your son to know when to expect to talk to his dad.

Also, are you upset because this therapist may have told your ex that the boys switched phones? Does this therapist have a court order not to discuss any details of the boys therapy with their dad? Maybe she doesn't need one - I don't know the rules in place, but since the kids are minors and the father does have some custody of the younger son, I would think telling him about the phone switch isn't unethical.

[ruh roh]

I have no idea what much of this means, but I would probably get rid of all the cell phones and install a land line that everyone uses. Use another device for games, but not a phone. This isn't rocket science, but the therapist and the ex and the boys and the many phones are turning a simple thing into a mars landing.

Then again, I hate having people being able to reach me because of a cell phone, and thinking it means immediate access.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

I admit I am a little confused by all of this so if my comments make no sense, I apologize.

Why not try to set up a communication agreement through the therapist that will work for the 11 year old and the father. Maybe there could be scheduled weekly calls between the two of them on certain days, at certain times, and for certain amounts of time. Or "x" amount of texts or emails per week. Might make things less stressful for your son to know when to expect to talk to his dad.

Also, are you upset because this therapist may have told your ex that the boys switched phones? Does this therapist have a court order not to discuss any details of the boys therapy with their dad? Maybe she doesn't need one - I don't know the rules in place, but since the kids are minors and the father does have some custody of the younger son, I would think telling him about the phone switch isn't unethical.

That's a good suggestion but their schedule is so sporadic between school, sports, events, and friends. I have open communication lines so that he may contact whenever he wanted to speak to either one of them. My 15 year old won't answer his calls and so I have to do follow ups with my ex. Also because he's 15 he does have rights to not letting his father know what is discussed in session. He signed the papers to do so. My youngest doesn't have that option as of yet.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I have no idea what much of this means, but I would probably get rid of all the cell phones and install a land line that everyone uses. Use another device for games, but not a phone. This isn't rocket science, but the therapist and the ex and the boys and the many phones are turning a simple thing into a mars landing.

Then again, I hate having people being able to reach me because of a cell phone, and thinking it means immediate access.

Cell phones come in handy when we are outside and with our busy schedule his father has a better way to communicate. I thought of the same thing as well. I told their therapist that if I had a landline only then he would have to wait for us to get home in order for him to contact them. The issue is that the father wants an instant response not taking into consideration that they could be busy. My ex doesn't want to wait for a return call. He wants instant communication at his convenience.

[ruh roh]

I don't know how therapists are supposed to handle things like this, but I would think/hope they are first and foremost on the child's side in things. All she is doing here is making sure they never trust therapists.

[LonesomeTonight]

I just get the sense your sons' T is siding with your ex a bit. Why does it fall on you to make your sons talk to him? Is there anything in the custody or divorce agreement that says your sons have to talk to their dad a certain number of times a week? If not, then, if your son doesn't want to talk to his dad, I don't see how it's up to you, as long as you're giving him the ability to talk to him if he wants (with the phone).

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't know how therapists are supposed to handle things like this, but I would think/hope they are first and foremost on the child's side in things. All she is doing here is making sure they never trust therapists.

I know that when she told my 11 year old that if he didn't follow her recommendations that then she wouldn't help him intervene in the future my son looked at me as of now what. He didn't know what to say as well. It was as if he need to do as she says or she's not involved. I agree with you.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I just get the sense your sons' T is siding with your ex a bit. Why does it fall on you to make your sons talk to him? Is there anything in the custody or divorce agreement that says your sons have to talk to their dad a certain number of times a week? If not, then, if your son doesn't want to talk to his dad, I don't see how it's up to you, as long as you're giving him the ability to talk to him if he wants (with the phone).

That's what I was thinking as well. She's mentioned a couple of times that my ex has been asking questions and that she needs to go back to him with answers. She's been asking me what she should say to him. There's nothing in the custody orders at all regarding time and days they communicate. I've had communication open at all times. It seems as if he's trying to use her to get what he wants. She then becomes very pushy on the boys end and forms ultimatums.