[fullsassahead]

I should have written this post weeks ago. But, no. Instead, I grappled with this on my own and shut out anyone who was able or willing to help - including those on this site. After all, I was (and am) ashamed for thinking or feeling this way...

About a month ago, a good friend of mine asked me if it would upset me should she contact my therapist so that she could determine if they could work together. Immediately, I became fearful. However, I said to go for it as I would want someone I cared about to have the experience of good therapy and the opportunity for healing. I figured it would be an opportunity to express my fears and begin working on them. My friend knew that her seeing my T would bring up emotion. And, I did express some of those fears to my team. I told my therapist and she said that if my friend only heard about her through me, it would be my decision if my T took her on as a client. The truth is that she did hear about her from me, but she denied that and said that another provider was who referred her (meanwhile, this other provider has worked with her for 2 years and never referred out before). Once that happened, I shut down and I've been sitting in this anxious, fear-driven state for the last month. My T has said that nothing will change and to not discuss our therapy with one another (which we don't do outside of generalities about our lives). I wish I could say that I believed her that things won't change, but I don't. And, it's killing me that my friend is working with her. On top of everything else, I feel selfish as well.

My dietitian has said that she thinks I should back off from this friendship as this individual has a tendency to be negative and triggering. But, I have an attachment to her and we've been friends for many years. Overall, we both want good for one another. But, I'll admit that I am considering taking a break from her right now. One of my biggest fears is that my T will see her as more "sick" and, therefore, more worthy of her time and help. My therapist has assured me that she isn't going to take time away from me for someone else and that we are different and each deserving. This is shameful to admit, but I am usually the sickest person someone is working with. I'm definitely in need of a higher level of care, but that isn't possible due to insurance and finances. I don't know where my friend is at, but I know she is struggling. I worry that she is worse off than I am and therefore my T will be more concerned with her. Trust me, I recognize how ridiculous this all is on my part, but the other issue that's pressing is that I do have a dissociative disorder and that fuels some of my issues with attachment and abandonment as well. I've threatened to stop seeing my T and look for someone else as this is so difficult for me to manage emotionally, but I know that that wouldn't be a wise decision. But, the envy and fear continue to follow me and I have noticed myself act out more as a result. I have continued to express how I feel, but I think no one really grasps what an issue this is for me. My dietitian once said something that made sense and eased my worries, but it has lost its effectiveness now. She said that having multiple clients is like having children - you don't love one child more than the next, but, instead, love them differently. She said that I am unique due to certain challenges and that makes treating me more difficult. Plus, the fact that I'm not doing well right now. She said that that will always play a part and I will see different treatment as a result of that. But, that it doesn't make anyone else less deserving. And, vice versa. In the moment, it clarified everything. Now? I don't even know...

My friend has recently started making comments as well which bring me much shame and guilt. She will say that she feels unsupported and alone despite therapy. She alludes to the fact that I have support outside of sessions and many rules in session. But, she is anti-rules and has forcibly said she wants none of that! Plus, the reason I have rules and such is due to the fact that I have challenges she doesn't. Making me feel guilty is not appropriate. And, she's now insisting that those same things apply to her. It just makes me uncomfortable all the way around. I should mention that I've said nothing about my therapy since she has started seeing my T and the only reason she knows these things is due to us being in treatment together before. It's kicking up all the feelings of fear, anxiety, jealousy, envy, guilt, and shame that I was feeling before. And, I now worry I'll take to acting out more or sabotaging myself. I just hate this. All of this.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way and I'm not sure how to manage these emotions. Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Or, am I just too messed up and broken that I don't even have normal reactions to seemingly innocuous situations? I guess I really need some support or guidance today - it's eating me up and I feel lost. Worse, there's just so much going on with me that this is the last thing I want to waste time worrying about or working on. I just need to know I'm not alone...

[Argonautomobile]

I think maybe your dietician is right that you should take a break from this friend. But, hey, only you know what's best for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know if I were in the same situation it would bring up a lot of feelings that I'd not be proud to have.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Sass: Well... personally... the Skeezyks' opinion would be that this is all great stuff to be talking through with your therapist... lots of juicy stuff to be working on right as it's happening! How better to use the time you spend in therapy?

I don't know about "taking a break" from your friend. You wrote that you've been friends for many years. From a perfectly practical standpoint, I don't know how one "takes a break" from a relationship of many years. Perhaps it's just me. But I have a difficult time envisioning how that would work. I guess, ideally, the two of you could have a calm, intelligent discussion & agree in a mature fashion to not contact one another for a pre-determined period of time. What is the likelihood of that occurring? From my perspective, what is more likely is that the two of you will end up mad at each other & that your relationship will be damaged if not destroyed.

On the other hand, this situation certainly has become complicated. I don't think this is any reflection on you personally as far as being messed up or broken goes. So perhaps what you're going to have to decide is whether maintaining this relationship is worth the angst the present situation is causing you. Only you know the answer to that question. But, there again, it might make for great conversation with your T during your sessions. Exploring this whole dynamic in therapy might help you to develop some deeper understanding of yourself & your struggles. I wish you well...

[growlycat]

It would bother me if I shared a t with a friend or one of my siblings. I have shared at with a cousin but that posed no issues. Definitely tell your t you are having regrets about sharing him. You can set limits with your friend. See her less often or ask that you don't talk about certain things right now.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by fullsassahead

I should have written this post weeks ago. But, no. Instead, I grappled with this on my own and shut out anyone who was able or willing to help - including those on this site. After all, I was (and am) ashamed for thinking or feeling this way...

About a month ago, a good friend of mine asked me if it would upset me should she contact my therapist so that she could determine if they could work together. Immediately, I became fearful. However, I said to go for it as I would want someone I cared about to have the experience of good therapy and the opportunity for healing. I figured it would be an opportunity to express my fears and begin working on them. ...

...This is shameful to admit, but I am usually the sickest person someone is working with. I'm definitely in need of a higher level of care, but that isn't possible due to insurance and finances. I don't know where my friend is at, but I know she is struggling. I worry that she is worse off than I am and therefore my T will be more concerned with her.

...It's kicking up all the feelings of fear, anxiety, jealousy, envy, guilt, and shame that I was feeling before. And, I now worry I'll take to acting out more or sabotaging myself. I just hate this. All of this.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way and I'm not sure how to manage these emotions. Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Or, am I just too messed up and broken that I don't even have normal reactions to seemingly innocuous situations? I guess I really need some support or guidance today - it's eating me up and I feel lost. Worse, there's just so much going on with me that this is the last thing I want to waste time worrying about or working on. I just need to know I'm not alone...

First of all, I don't think this is a seemingly innocuous situation. I'm surprised that your therapist would even see this other person. It should be enough that you didn't want her to. I'm not sure why it would matter if it was a referral.

Anyway, it's done. So what's left? Working on the issues you said you thought would (and have) come up. Those are all valid struggles--such as wanting to be "sicker" and feeling competition over that. I think that's great material to bring up in therapy. A good therapist will welcome that. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Best of luck to you.

There's a likelihood my T will see a friend of mine. They have a dissociative disorder and I don't.

I have fears that T will like them more and care for them more than me.

Yet I know my friend deserves a lot of care and compassion and even love, so I'm consumed by guilt and shame.

T said these feelings are to be worked through with her, but I'm hating myself for my possessiveness nonetheless.

My friend deserves a good, caring T and it's really likely T will be their T if they're finally referred to the same hospital as me. But I'm jealous that T already has an interest in them, even as I do feel that T would suit them...