[objectclient]

So as any body who's read my previous threads will know, ex T rejected me after I contacted her for further therapy following the worst therapy experience I have had to date with another T. Initially ex T gave me no reason as to why she couldn't offer me further therapy, despite her leaving the door open to return in the future should I need to, and simply referred me out to a well-known colleague. I felt that I deserved to know the reason why so I emailed her and the response that I got was that ethically, it would be difficult for me and her if I return to therapy. Following that response, I received a further reply a few days later almost as if it was an after thought saying most importantly that she doesn't have space in her diary for any new clients at present. I had an "interview" thing with her colleague recently and although I felt bitter about the fact that T had rejected me and this offer was the crumbs on the table so to speak, I have to say that this T seemed great - professional, ethical, knowledgeable - possibly better than ex T. However, she has a waiting list. I'm still exploring my options and looking up other potential Ts to "interview" and lo and behold, I find out ex T is taking on new clients! So angry right now that she apparently has time for other clients but not me. I don't know what I did wrong to deserve being rejected.

[atisketatasket]

Can I ask how you found out? Often internet sites like insurance carriers or Psychology Today will say that a practitioner is taking new clients when in fact they are not.

I think it might be worth trying to make a single appointment with your former therapist to hash this out. Her second reason might be a lie (or true when she said it, but no longer), her first reason just sounds weird to me. Where's the ethical problem?

[Myrto]

I am sorry that is awful. I would be extremely upset in your situation. I would try to get to the bottom of thing and ask your therapist why she refuses to take you back as there seems to be no ethical nor organizational problem to do so. Do you think she is lying to you ? That she has ulterior motives ?

[ruh roh]

This is incredibly painful. It sounds like she just does not want to work with you and is making up reasons. Did you have a lot of conflict between you? Some therapists can handle that and actually find ways to make it useful for the individual, while other therapists become blaming and turn it back on the client as the problem, maybe because it makes them question their own competence and, lacking insight and ability, they push the client away. You are well rid of her if that's the case.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Can I ask how you found out? Often internet sites like insurance carriers or Psychology Today will say that a practitioner is taking new clients when in fact they are not.

I think it might be worth trying to make a single appointment with your former therapist to hash this out. Her second reason might be a lie (or true when she said it, but no longer), her first reason just sounds weird to me. Where's the ethical problem?

I don't want to say something too specific to avoid me being identified online and incriminating someone else. What I will say though is I found out by chance from a pretty reliable source, not through insurance carriers or Psychology Today, something more direct.

I don't think she is likely to agree to a single appointment. She made it clear that ethically, it's a bad idea for her to see me again for therapy due to the fact that I am a former client of hers. That is the ethical problem according to her, and that I might become too reliant and too comfy in therapy.

Originally Posted by Myrto

I am sorry that is awful. I would be extremely upset in your situation. I would try to get to the bottom of thing and ask your therapist why she refuses to take you back as there seems to be no ethical nor organizational problem to do so. Do you think she is lying to you ? That she has ulterior motives ?

I could try and get to the bottom of it but given that I've been rejected and apparently lied to, I have lost faith in her as a decent therapist or even as a decent person. This is a real let down in itself because I recognized she had her faults but I used to look up to her like some kind of mentor or teacher but now she's proven that she's just the latest in a long long line of people to have let me down badly throughout my life. The only positive thing I can take away from this is knowing that I most likely would be better off seeing someone else anyway as she isn't worth her salt. I just wish I hadn't had to go through all this hurt to realize this though.

As for ulterior motives, I can't think that there would be any other than the fact that she doesn't want to work with me anymore and I don't consider that as being my problem. There is nothing that I'm not willing to address in therapy and I think ultimately, her own countertransference issues whatever they may be, and a fear of tackling difficult subjects like attachment and transference aimed at her must be the reason why she has made excuses not to see me anymore.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

This is incredibly painful. It sounds like she just does not want to work with you and is making up reasons. Did you have a lot of conflict between you? Some therapists can handle that and actually find ways to make it useful for the individual, while other therapists become blaming and turn it back on the client as the problem, maybe because it makes them question their own competence and, lacking insight and ability, they push the client away. You are well rid of her if that's the case.

We did have a bit of conflict in the initial stages of therapy. Somehow (without addressing the cause) we moved past it into a better place which I now know was a more secure attachment. However at the time, she told me I was projecting my anger onto her which in turn, was causing a two way conflict so yes, she did blame me. I have much more insight now and can see that the conflict from my end was just me subconsciously acting out my insecure attachment style. I was becoming attached very quickly and in a big way and out of my fear of this attachment came anger, which was I now know was just my frantic attempt to stop this attachment from happening. At the same time, I think I was testing her by seeing how far I could push her before she gave up on me. Subconsciously, I wanted her to give up on me but she didn't and that I think is probably how my attachment to her became less anxious, angry and needy.

I think you're probably right, I am well rid of her.

[objectclient]

...yet here I am, STILL torturing myself over the fact that T is taking on new clients after rejecting me

The worst of it is I'm furious that I'm so pathetic that this rejection has hurt me so much while T probably hasn't given it a second thought. I'm also really embarrassed that she never replied to my latest and final email. I've been made a fool of, that's for sure. Even if she changed her mind and suddenly her schedule wasn't full or she decided it wasn't so unethical after all, I wouldn't go back now. In fact, I never want to see her again. I just hope I don't bump into her in town

[ruh roh]

Can you look at it as her being found out and caught in lies, rather than that you have been made a fool of because from here it looks like it was set up this way from how she referred you over to the other therapist(s) with a promise of taking you back, maybe thinking you would not want to return and she could avoid being honest about things. I'm really sorry. She sounds like a complete pukehead.

[objectclient]

So, latest blow dealt by ex T. I had a phone call from a potential new T today (the one I was referred to by ex T and whose office is in the same building). She said she is now available to offer me ongoing sessions and that her and ex T thought it would be better to make the appointment on one of ex Ts day off.

Ok, so I didn't want to bump into ex T that's for sure but actually spelling it out to me this way, seriously? Could she be any less subtle? I think I had already got the message loud and clear by the obvious lies told and the excuses made. What did she think I was going to do? Break into her office? I never realized I was a problem client. In fact, ex T said quite the opposite. I really don't know what has provoked her to behave this way. It's isn't even civil!

Well, if the association/maneuvering between your ex-T and this new candidate is disturbing and upsetting for you, would seeing a completely independent therapist an option? One that you find yourself.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by objectclient

So, latest blow dealt by ex T. I had a phone call from a potential new T today (the one I was referred to by ex T and whose office is in the same building). She said she is now available to offer me ongoing sessions and that her and ex T thought it would be better to make the appointment on one of ex Ts day off.

Ok, so I didn't want to bump into ex T that's for sure but actually spelling it out to me this way, seriously? Could she be any less subtle? I think I had already got the message loud and clear by the obvious lies told and the excuses made. What did she think I was going to do? Break into her office? I never realized I was a problem client. In fact, ex T said quite the opposite. I really don't know what has provoked her to behave this way. It's isn't even civil!

God that would upset and anger me! This is so petty from your ex T. Did your potential new T explain exactly why your ex T doesn't even want you around in the same building on the days she's working?

[Merecat]

To be honest, I don't think that's a bad idea really. It means you're not sitting there wondering whether your ex-t might come out to collect a client while you're waiting - with all the feelings that would bring up for you given how you're feeling about her not working with you. If you know there's no chance of bumping in to her, you can relax into your own therapy.

I can see how painful this whole situation is for you, i don't know what the content of your last email to your ex-t was but I could see both Ts trying to look at how best to make the necessary transition easier for you by being open about the reasons for scheduling your appointment on a particular day. Sore, absolutely but is it worse than you waiting for your appointment wondering if you might see ex-t when there's no possibility of that happening.

[mostlylurking]

Yes, seems very petty to me too!

I don't think I could see this new T if I were in your shoes.... I would go into it determined to show what a good client I am to prove that ex T is just off her frickin' rocker (which it sounds like she is!). But that's not a good mindset to have, going into new therapy. And I would becoming in with some suspicion and mistrust because of their connection. That's just me, of course... but it all sounds a bit fraught and painful. Maybe find someone totally independent, as Xynesthesia suggested?

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Well, if the association/maneuvering between your ex-T and this new candidate is disturbing and upsetting for you, would seeing a completely independent therapist an option? One that you find yourself.

Unfortunately where I live it is extremely difficult to find a therapist who specializes in my issues so if it is an option, it's a very tiny one. I was lucky to get in with this new therapist as it is. I am going to look into it anyway.

Originally Posted by Myrto

God that would upset and anger me! This is so petty from your ex T. Did your potential new T explain exactly why your ex T doesn't even want you around in the same building on the days she's working?

No not at all.

Originally Posted by Merecat

To be honest, I don't think that's a bad idea really. It means you're not sitting there wondering whether your ex-t might come out to collect a client while you're waiting - with all the feelings that would bring up for you given how you're feeling about her not working with you. If you know there's no chance of bumping in to her, you can relax into your own therapy.

I can see how painful this whole situation is for you, i don't know what the content of your last email to your ex-t was but I could see both Ts trying to look at how best to make the necessary transition easier for you by being open about the reasons for scheduling your appointment on a particular day. Sore, absolutely but is it worse than you waiting for your appointment wondering if you might see ex-t when there's no possibility of that happening.

I agree that it wouldn't have been a bad idea if ex T hadn't already lied to me and made excuses but given that she has, can you blame me for taking offense at this latest blow given what has already happened? Or am I just overreacting???

I feel like this

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Yes, seems very petty to me too!

I don't think I could see this new T if I were in your shoes.... I would go into it determined to show what a good client I am to prove that ex T is just off her frickin' rocker (which it sounds like she is!). But that's not a good mindset to have, going into new therapy. And I would becoming in with some suspicion and mistrust because of their connection. That's just me, of course... but it all sounds a bit fraught and painful. Maybe find someone totally independent, as Xynesthesia suggested?

As I said before, my options are very limited where I live so finding someone else might not be possible but I am going to look into it. I feel like ex T is just trying to push me further and further away and you're right, it is petty and it's not the way I would expect a therapist to behave.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by objectclient

So, latest blow dealt by ex T. I had a phone call from a potential new T today (the one I was referred to by ex T and whose office is in the same building). She said she is now available to offer me ongoing sessions and that her and ex T thought it would be better to make the appointment on one of ex Ts day off.

Ok, so I didn't want to bump into ex T that's for sure but actually spelling it out to me this way, seriously? Could she be any less subtle? I think I had already got the message loud and clear by the obvious lies told and the excuses made. What did she think I was going to do? Break into her office? I never realized I was a problem client. In fact, ex T said quite the opposite. I really don't know what has provoked her to behave this way. It's isn't even civil!

Definitely not subtle. But is it possible that they are suggesting this to make it easier for you?

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Definitely not subtle. But is it possible that they are suggesting this to make it easier for you?

I don't know. To me it feels like ex T has some kind of issue with me.

You know I think I'm losing faith in therapy as a treatment. The more I read on here and the more Ts keep hurting me, I am thinking of giving up. This was the final nail in the coffin. God knows how I'll manage alone but it feels I have no other choice. I mean are there even any decent therapists out there?

[Merecat]

She shouldn't have said she wasn't taking new clients of in fact she was, but I also know things can change quickly for Ts, it just takes a couple of clients to end unexpectedly and they are looking for new clients to fill spaces. A practice I know here has a rule that if you miss one appointment and don't contact then that week, you're off their books and if you want to come back you need to wait for a space with your therapist which might take a week or 2 months depending on how busy the T is. It may not have been personal to you and may possibly have been true when she said it.

The bottom line is that Ts, like everyone else, gets to choose who they work with. It's entirely possible that after ending with you, your ex-T realised issues in the therapy that she didn't see while she was in it - possibly around dependency given that's what she's told you is why she can't have you back. I get that it's hurtful to you, and understand the anger and frustration but can also see that if a T has concerns about their ability to work with you properly, they have a duty not to take you on as a client.

If I were you I'd really consider whether seeing someone in the same place is going to work for you because it looks like whatever they do, you'll see some kind of hurt or malice there, which isn't going to create a good environment for you to work. I'm not saying your reaction is wrong, just that it'll really get in the way of your therapy.