[Myrto]

So I had my session this afternoon. As I expected, my therapist has decided to implement new boundaries because she said that I have harassed her. Yes she used the word "harass". Actually in June I had sent her a letter through mail. I don't really remember what I've said in that letter but it was mostly about the fact that I was ambivalent about therapy. Apparently I wasn't allowed to send her a letter (something she had NEVER mentioned) so she was already upset. Then in August I sent her one email about scheduling, then a second one then a third one because she wasn't answering them. Apparently scheduling is only through texts so I broke another rule (again, something she had never talked about). Basically she took some time to think about my therapy because she perceived all those rules I broke as harassment and she decided that I needed firmer boundaries. These new boundaries are: I'm not allowed to email anymore. At all. About anything. If I need to schedule something I have to send a text. If I send an email (I used to email her a lot), then the next session will be cancelled. Just like that. I'm being punished like a little kid. There, that was my session. I still scheduled another session for next week because what other choice do I have? I don't want to start over with somebody else. I'm very attached. Yes, despite the fact that she doesn't deserve it, I'm attached to my therapist.

She sounds very firm! How long has she been your therapist?

[awkwardlyyours]

I think she needs to be in therapy herself. Desperately. Am not even slightly kidding.

I understand the attachment -- believe me, I do -- but consider how much worse your mental health might get if you continue with a therapist who's clearly lost it.

[atisketatasket]

And if you write her another letter, will she send you to bed without supper?

Seriously, it's one thing to say "these are my boundaries," but quite another to say "if you violate my boundaries you don't get next week's session." I don't see the therapeutic benefit of that at all.

[Littlemeinside]

Deleted. Mixed some stuff up

Oh wow, I actually cannot believe that your next session would be cancelled. How do you feel about that myrto? Because I feel very annoyed and angry on your behalf. Firstly I do think you did cross some boundaries but only because she wasn't meeting your needs by answering your requests about your work together(scheduling)! I really don't think this regimental punishing way of working will teach you boundaries and in fact when we are clearly ignored like she ignored you we all cling on and cross our ts boundaries to get some kind of response.
I feel it would be better to talk about boundaries and why you needed to contact her when you did, what was happening for you in those moments would be more helpful and insightful than punishing you here. The way we interact and connect with others is really insightful to us and I feel this is where your healing is, learning how to connect respectfully with each other, you and your t.

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[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm sorry she instilled stricter boundaries. And with punishment! I don't think the "punishment" is fair. She could have clarified the boundaries first, and then if you crossed them, re-address them/tigthen them. If that didn't work then maybe I could see laying down consequences.

I know that's been a slight fear of mine. My T told me if my attachment gets too bad, she'll have to change the boundaries. So I now set my own on myself.

I do understand the attachment. But it also sounds like you know this isn't the right T for you anymore. It's a hard place to be in. Is there anything you can do on your own to try to lessen the attachment? Because that's what's holding you back?

[Chummy2]

I'm so sorry for you. This is not how a T should react. If she calls these things harassment, that's just weird. I don't know what all those emails were about, but if it was just about scheduling or your therapy, then you can't really call that harassment. If she feels like you're breaking boundaries, then she should talk to about why you break them and what's behind that and such. But if she didn't even said there were rules about this and that, then she can't blame you if she feels like you broke them.

I also haven't been told by my T what the rules are about emailing. Now I don't use email that much, because I'm afraid to do it too much. Also now I'm in group therapy, I don't know if I can still use email for other than scheduling. T's should tell you the rules.

Originally Posted by Myrto

If I need to schedule something I have to send a text. If I send an email (I used to email her a lot), then the next session will be cancelled. Just like that. I'm being punished like a little kid.

This is so not something a T should do. It really sounds like you're being punished like a kid. You are paying her. And you're paying her for therapy, for help. Punishment shouldn't belong in therapy, it isn't helpful. It's so weird she does this.
I don't know if she does this kind of thing also with other client. I wouldn't accept this. I would walk away from her. I can't imagine other clients would take that. But you're attached to her. I know how that feels. Even if it hurts or you don't feel the therapy is helpful, it's too hard to walk away. Maybe that's why she thinks she can do this to you, because she thinks you will stay anyway?
You should have another good talk about all this.

Perhaps this is just the way my mind works, but do you think she's doing this deliberately? Knowing you're attached and not wanting to leave her, but treating you badly because she thinks she can? I hate mind games like that.

[itisnt]

I'm sorry. It really isn't a good way for any T to respond to their client. Even if she was annoyed by your emails (something she apparently never discussed with you), no one EVER has to open an email from anyone. She could have left them or deleted them and then told you in the next session that she needed to discuss with you her "rule" about no emails under any circumstance. And if the email was about scheduling, all she had to do was text you and given you an answer and politely ask you to contact her only through text. I get it that every T approaches the topic of emails, texting, phone calls and/or letters differently. But why on God's Green Earth is it so hard for Ts to understand that they need to COMMUNICATE their preferences???? Their behavior drives me crazy! (no pun intended). We clients are told all the time that we need to learn to communicate, but then our Ts go off the rails and fail to communicate appropriately and clearly with us. Nutty!

Wish you weren't feeling so attached to her. She really isn't worth the pain and anguish, but I do understand why you feel that she's the only game in town. Deep sympathy coming your way.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

She sounds very firm! How long has she been your therapist?

She's been my therapist for two and a half year. Quite some time.

[JaneTennison1]

My name is JaneTennison1 and I'm a recovering "harraser" my ex T also said she felt harrassed by me even though I barely contacted her as I was scared of losing her. I was so ashamed of myself. I started seeing new T and one of the first things she said was that if a person doesn't feel heard they just get louder. She made me see that my needs were not wrong but ex T could not meet them.

It seems like the attachment will be too hard to leave but leaving might be the best thing. I have made huge progress in T now that I'm away from exT. She was toxic for me.

[JaneTennison1]

Also with new T I have security that she is there and will reply if I ask. That openness and security means I barely feel anxious and insecure like I used to.

[BudFox]

I find the idea of therapists teaching adult clients about boundaries or imposing boundaries to be inherently shaming and punitive, unless the client is severely impaired. What is the client meant to learn from this? How to behave according to someone else's arbitrary rules? That responsibility for conflict is always theirs and it will be resolved with a verbal spanking? Has no place in a healthy adult relationship. It's an affront to basic dignity.

And in a case like this where the punishment is overt, then it's truly toxic. If the therapist is not taking any responsibility for the conflict, it is doubly toxic. The question of whether or how to get away is a difficult one. But if it were me, first thing I'd try to do is put things on context.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Oh wow, I actually cannot believe that your next session would be cancelled. How do you feel about that myrto? Because I feel very annoyed and angry on your behalf. Firstly I do think you did cross some boundaries but only because she wasn't meeting your needs by answering your requests about your work together(scheduling)! I really don't think this regimental punishing way of working will teach you boundaries and in fact when we are clearly ignored like she ignored you we all cling on and cross our ts boundaries to get some kind of response.
I feel it would be better to talk about boundaries and why you needed to contact her when you did, what was happening for you in those moments would be more helpful and insightful than punishing you here. The way we interact and connect with others is really insightful to us and I feel this is where your healing is, learning how to connect respectfully with each other, you and your t.

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Punishing me with the threat of "your session will be cancelled if you contact me" is ********. It's incredibly condescending. I agree, we should have talked about why I needed to contact her. Thanks.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm sorry she instilled stricter boundaries. And with punishment! I don't think the "punishment" is fair. She could have clarified the boundaries first, and then if you crossed them, re-address them/tigthen them. If that didn't work then maybe I could see laying down consequences.

I know that's been a slight fear of mine. My T told me if my attachment gets too bad, she'll have to change the boundaries. So I now set my own on myself.

I do understand the attachment. But it also sounds like you know this isn't the right T for you anymore. It's a hard place to be in. Is there anything you can do on your own to try to lessen the attachment? Because that's what's holding you back?

I wish I knew how to lessen the attachment. Seriously. I don't even understand why I'm so attached to her: she's not particularly insightful, smart or helpful so why?

[SkyscraperMeow]

This therapist is abusing and victimizing you. She is teaching you how to be a submissive party to a dominating figure.

At this point, you're basically saying "she can do anything to me and I'll take it." Where's your self respect? Where are your boundaries? Where are YOU in any of this? Aside from simply being attached, which is what limpets do. You're a person, not a bivalve. Attachment only goes so far.

There are hardcore sadomasochistic relationships where people come away from sessions with physical scars, with less overt abuse in them than this.

If you really crave being put down and punished by a stern female figure, there are cheaper, hotter, more fun ways to get that thrill. And you may as well look into them, because what you're doing isn't therapy anyway.

Or you can wait until she inflicts the final cut and terminates you and then you'll get to wallow in some real serious pain that will probably take months, if not years (or, judging by the way some others post, the rest of your life) to recover from.

And the worst thing about it won't be that she hurt you. It will be that you asked, no begged and paid for it.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

Perhaps this is just the way my mind works, but do you think she's doing this deliberately? Knowing you're attached and not wanting to leave her, but treating you badly because she thinks she can? I hate mind games like that.

No I don't think she's doing it deliberately. She's not THAT bad. I think she truly believes she's right about all this. She even claimed she was doing it for my benefit.

This must be majorly painful. I get the need to stay, I stayed with a therapist for 7 years who villified my needs. I was then terminated. My current T understands that the goal in therapy is for the patient to accept their own needs and to treat themselves with kindness and compassion. The difference is night and day. What your T doesn't get, is along with the so called "neediness" (I hate calling it that because it's negative), is a major amount of fear that one will not get an answer. Your t, knowing that you were waiting for a reply, cruelly told you that she was thinking about your therapy. I am also angry for you. I unfortunately totally understand you staying with her, no judgment here. I do wish that you could find another therapist who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Teddy:)]

I'm sorry that you are having to experience this! I don't know your T so its hard to know why she is doing this to you, but speaking from my personal experience with T's and boundaries, I really believe this situation could of been handled with more care and should of been.
Whenever I overstep my T's boundaries ( which I have done a lot) I am always gently reminded of there existence and why they exist, we talk about it, what was happening for me and then together we work out how best to work on it. My t always says that boundaries are not punishments but merely guidelines for healthy relationships.

If I was you I would maybe write a letter that you could bring with you to your session regarding this matter and how it made you feel, I'd even ask your t if maybe she could go through what is healthy and unhealthy boundaries to her and come up with some agreed upon boundaries so they are clear and you understand them so that your not left in the dark and then hit with new ones. I think your t owes you that especially seeing as though the therapeutic relationship is a partnership & is there so you can learn and be open without fearing punishment

[itjustis]

If you email then the next session is cancelled? Really? I'm gobsmacked, I really am. To me this sounds like a power play!
Did you clarify with your T that you weren't aware about the boundaries already set?

I'm sorry you are going through this Myrto, I'm really angry for you!!! This woman sounds nuts and like she doesn't have a single clue what you need.



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[Waterbear]

This sounds tough, too tough. Harsh even. I hope you find a way forwards Myrto, with this T or without, whatever is right for you.

I would personally consider her behavior abusive if it was done to me.

she sounds like my first t, who did the same stuff. i was very attached also, but now that i have a t that actually meets me actual NEEDS, i am so mich happier and dont miss old t.

I don't know the whole story, but from your other post, she sounds abusive.

Provoking, followed by ignoring someone to the point where they get extremely distressed and emotionally charged, then calling them 'the bad guy' when they react to the point of crossing a boundary, is abusive.

This is similar to a bully teasing and antagonizing someone, but when they fight back, the bullied person is 'the bad guy' for crossing a boundary when they respond to the aggression with aggressiveness in standing up for herself.

She seems like she is the one with the power* in your relationship, and the one who has the power is usually the bully or abusive one.

*power due your attachment or other needs, including fear of separation due to past trauma, etc