[justme1234]

Sorry for being vague about this.

So my therapist told me flat out last week that she doesn't do something when she is out in the world. That because of her day job, she simply can't.

Monday my friend, who is also seeing a therapist in the same office I go too, andd knows what my therapist looks like, ran into her doing what she told me she can never do. My friend even snapped a photo of my therapist doing what she said she never does. I told her not to do that, but I appreciate the thought.

Last night in therapy, I brought up the subject to her that I know she can't do this thing, because she doesn't have the time, and I reiterated it a second time. I was hoping she would correct me. Both times my therapist told me "ya, I can never do that". Twice I gave her the option of telling me what "well I was actually able to this week", but she didn't say a word.

It kind of destroys any belief that I have in her. Just sucks.

[Waterbear]

I wonder why she would do that, and without knowing what 'it' is, it is hard for me to understand. I don't need to know though so just to say sorry that she has been unthruthful with you. Maybe she thinks you knowing that she does it will impact your therapy. Still sucks though.

[justme1234]

That's kind of the thing. I told her that because of how I felt about this thing, I didn't want a therapist who did it, if she did, no harm, no foul, I just wouldn't continue with her. She stated flat out, "I don't do that."

4 days later I found out she was doing the thing.

[stopdog]

Did you just start with this one? If so, then perhaps it is good you found out early on that she does something you disapprove of and you can now go one to new one.

I know this is a long shot - but perhaps she has a twin sister.

I would probably just say I had seen her doing X and that I was off to find another therapist.

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Did you just start with this one? If so, then perhaps it is good you found out early on that she does something you disapprove of and you can now go one to new one.

I know this is a long shot - but perhaps she has a twin sister.

I would probably just say I had seen her doing X and that I was off to find another therapist.

No twin and I have been with her for 5 years. I am going to terminate with her, after I confront her about being dishonest with me. Just throws all the trust I had in her, and for the most part therapist/therapy right out the window.

Probably a matter of the therapist trying to keep her private life private and not reveal that particular thing about herself for some reason. Is it criminal or something so serious that it destroys your perception of her beyond the "lie"? If it is simply about the not wanting to tell you about something she considers private, is this perhaps an overreaction? Why not be honest about the situation and talk it out instead of ending therapy. Was therapy with her effective otherwise? Or is this a case of therapy wasn't going so well anyway, so this is the last straw?

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Probably a matter of the therapist trying to keep her private life private and not reveal that particular thing about herself for some reason. Is it criminal or something so serious that it destroys your perception of her beyond the "lie"? If it is simply about the not wanting to tell you about something she considers private, is this perhaps an overreaction? Why not be honest about the situation and talk it out instead of ending therapy. Was therapy with her effective otherwise? Or is this a case of therapy wasn't going so well anyway, so this is the last straw?

No nothing criminal, but one of the things we are working on are my trust issues. It takes a long time for me to trust people because of my past, which she tells me I have very valid reasons for having troubles trusting people. Her and I have spoke at length that I would rather hear the truth about something and have it be painful, then have someone lie to me over nothing. She has told me that she will always be honest with me.

Don't give booze to an alcoholic, or drugs to an addict if your trying to help them, and don't lie to someone your trying to build trust with.

[stopdog]

I don't fully understand the time frame (not that I have to do so or anything) - you were seeing her for 5 years, and then recently you told her you would not want to keep seeing her if she did X, then 4 days later you found out she does X?
Or did you tell her 5 years ago about the disapproval of therapists who do X and she has kept doing X for that period of time?

[atisketatasket]

I'd ask her, in my sweetest voice with a cherry on top, if she doesn't do this thing, whatever it is, then why did my friend see you doing it? Give her a chance to deny or confirm. Show her the picture if she denies it. She should know you well enough after 5 years to know enough to be honest. I'd probably walk anyway, but if she didn't give a genuine apology I'd definitely walk.

It doesn't really matter what it was, however innocuous or not, it matters that she lied.

That said, if you have been with her 5 years (which to me is past the stage of trust-building) and still have trust issues with her, perhaps it's time to find another therapist anyway.

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't fully understand the time frame (not that I have to do so or anything) - you were seeing her for 5 years, and then recently you told her you would not want to keep seeing her if she did X, then 4 days later you found out she does X?
Or did you tell her 5 years ago about the disapproval of therapists who do X and she has kept doing X for that period of time?

I've been seeing her on and off for 5 years, a few breaks here and there. I recently returned and told her that I want to work on something, but if she does this thing, I'll find a new therapist. She said she didn't do it so I stayed with her to work on my issues. Just found out she lied about things, I could have moved to a different therapist with no problem if she said, "yep I do that".

That's what so devastating.

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I'd ask her, in my sweetest voice with a cherry on top, if she doesn't do this thing, whatever it is, then why did my friend see you doing it? Give her a chance to deny or confirm. Show her the picture if she denies it. She should know you well enough after 5 years to know enough to be honest. I'd probably walk anyway, but if she didn't give a genuine apology I'd definitely walk.

It doesn't really matter what it was, however innocuous or not, it matters that she lied.

That said, if you have been with her 5 years (which to me is past the stage of trust-building) and still have trust issues with her, perhaps it's time to find another therapist anyway.

Trust issues just kind of developed.

[AllHeart]

Is it possible that the one time your t tried this thing is the one time your friend saw her doing this thing and that your t didn't like it and never plans to do it again?

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Is it possible that the one time your t tried this thing is the one time your friend saw her doing this thing and that your t didn't like it and never plans to do it again?

Not really, and still doesn't help with the fact that she lied. Twice.

[stopdog]

For me, the idea of trusting them does not get intertwined much with whether they lie or not. I assume therapists lie to clients all the time. But if it is a deal breaker - then it still seems at least useful that you found it out so quickly after telling her you would not want to work with one who did X.

Originally Posted by justme1234

I've been seeing her on and off for 5 years, a few breaks here and there. I recently returned and told her that I want to work on something, but if she does this thing, I'll find a new therapist. She said she didn't do it so I stayed with her to work on my issues. Just found out she lied about things, I could have moved to a different therapist with no problem if she said, "yep I do that".

That's what so devastating.

So you sort of gave her an ultimatum that she couldn't do X or you would terminate. Perhaps she thought you would be making a rash judgment by throwing away good work in therapy over something that you shouldn't put that much weight on, particularly in judgment of another individual? Ultimatums almost never end well.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

So you sort of gave her an ultimatum that she couldn't do X or you would terminate. Perhaps she thought you would be making a rash judgment by throwing away good work in therapy over something that you shouldn't put that much weight on, particularly in judgment of another individual? Ultimatums almost never end well.

At the same time, the therapist could have simply said. "I can't make you a promise like that, but I still feel there is value to our working together."
Dishonesty is always a bad idea.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

At the same time, the therapist could have simply said. "I can't make you a promise like that, but I still feel there is value to our working together."
Dishonesty is always a bad idea.

True. I don't think the therapist handled it well, but I also don't know without understanding why this particular thing that apparently isn't illegal would cause a person to end 5 years of perhaps effective therapy either. Just seems a bit extreme, but again, we don't really have all the details so my opinion probably doesn't count for much.

[unaluna]

Nobodys perfect. I think that what we are in t for, is more like training for the hard times of life. Anybody can handle a faithful lover (maybe!). Its when someone is unfaithful, or some kind of conflict arises, that we need to know how to negotiate. Thats when we need skills.

So instead of just quitting this t, i agree with atisket (more or less), and would talk to your t about this thing that bothers you, and her alleged betrayal. Plus you might find you can live with it after all.

This is the rupture part of therapy, the disappointment. If it can be repaired, the relationship can be stronger, like they say, stronger at the broken parts. You dont have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Good luck!

[stopdog]

I have never used the therapist in that fashion. It has nothing to do with why I go to one. The ruptures have not made anything better - I learned that she was completely worthless for most things.
It can take strength to recognize and walk away or contain that which is not working - it is not always a virtue to try and make the unworkable palatable.

I truly believe that knowing when something just won't work for you and walking away is a good idea. I think far too often people try to make something too broken work and spend too much time blaming themselves rather than accepting it is too broken or wrong or whatever for them and recognizing it might be better to cut their losses (and not wasting a lot of money) and leave.

I do agree that talking to the therapist about it is an idea one might want to think about. I believe in telling them when they fail.

[Pennster]

Is it possible that the thing your therapist was doing was more a variation of what you were talking about, and she was thinking it was ok based on a technicality of some sort?

Like let's say for example the thing was drinking in public, and your therapist says she can't drink in public because of her job. Let's say to you this means she will never have a drop of alcohol in public, but to her it means she could have a glass of wine with dinner but would never have enough alcohol to affect her behavior in any way.

Well, just an example, and no doubt an imperfect one!

I realise we are all very different on these things, but I'm pretty sure my therapist has fibbed to me a bit in ways that were meant to protect the relationship. For me this is fine, because what I really want is a protected space where I can speak freely. If he has a little conflict about something that might impinge on my ability to talk freely, I'd prefer that he make that conflict disappear from my perspective by ensuring that I don't have to acknowledge it or have it impinge on my space.

But I'm not saying that to change your mind or criticize you in any way! Your thread is interesting to me and just caused me to think about this. I'm sorry that this has happened and that it has undermined your trust so terribly. I can imagine that would be very difficult.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

At the same time, the therapist could have simply said. "I can't make you a promise like that, but I still feel there is value to our working together."
Dishonesty is always a bad idea.

Yes - one of the (few) wise things No. 1 ever said to me was, "Just because someone gives you an ultimatum doesn't mean you have to accept it."

(Also, I do not think this was an ultimatum. This is a client stating the conditions under which they will work with the therapist. That could be, "I can't see you if you don't shower every morning," and that would still be fine. Both parties have the right to say no to engaging in therapy.)

OP - you said trust issues developed in response to my earlier post. Do you mean with people in general, or with this therapist in particular? If it's with her in particular, your instincts that she wasn't trustworthy were right,

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

OP - you said trust issues developed in response to my earlier post. Do you mean with people in general, or with this therapist in particular? If it's with her in particular, your instincts that she wasn't trustworthy were right,

I've always taken a long time to trust people, and from my childhood, I have some damn good reasons. But I do have some people that I do trust completely, she was one of them. And she knows all about the trust issues, and knows that people lying to me, especially someone I trust is not good.

[awkwardlyyours]

OP -- not to question or criticize you but am more than a bit confused by your situation.

From what I understand --
1. There's something -- say, X -- which bothers you enough that if your T did it, you'd quit.

2. Your T has said repeatedly to you that she doesn't do X because she doesn't have the time to do it (so, it's something that's time consuming?).

3. Yet, X is innocuous enough that she can and has apparently done it in public view in the office, no less -- or your friend couldn't have taken a picture.

4. And, apparently, X is something that is a visible action (photo evidence is possible).

Putting all this together, I honestly am having a hard time understanding how all of the above could be true? It bothers you so much and your T seems to have lied about it and yet it's something so mundane that she could do it in open view in the office for your friend to take a photo of it? Unless I'm missing some part of the scenario?

Maybe her idea of what you mean by X vs what you actually mean by X are different? Photo evidence may be the best way to clear it then?

[justme1234]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

OP -- not to question or criticize you but am more than a bit confused by your situation.

From what I understand --
1. There's something -- say, X -- which bothers you enough that if your T did it, you'd quit.

2. Your T has said repeatedly to you that she doesn't do X because she doesn't have the time to do it (so, it's something that's time consuming?).

3. Yet, X is innocuous enough that she can and has apparently done it in public view in the office, no less -- or your friend couldn't have taken a picture.

4. And, apparently, X is something that is a visible action (photo evidence is possible).

Putting all this together, I honestly am having a hard time understanding how all of the above could be true? It bothers you so much and your T seems to have lied about it and yet it's something so mundane that she could do it in open view in the office for your friend to take a photo of it? Unless I'm missing some part of the scenario?

Maybe her idea of what you mean by X vs what you actually mean by X are different? Photo evidence may be the best way to clear it then?

I told her I didn't want to see a therapist if they were someone who participated in this thing, she said she doesn't/can't, and a friend saw her doing it.

It's not illegal, nor is it immoral, I just don't want someone who participates in this one thing, I feel, even if no one else does, that it's a conflict of interest for me. I want to feel safe that who I am talking to isn't influenced by this outside things. I can do that by having a therapist who doesn't participate. Again, explained that to her. She said she doesn't/can't.

She was found doing it, then asked, and she said no "can't do that."

For the sake of keeping my confidentiality, let's say I am in therapy because a friend died skydiving, and I went to therapy to deal with it, and for the time being I don't want o be around anyone who skydives because it triggers me, and she said "I would never sky dive", and a few days later someone shows me pictures of her skydiving that day.

[velcro003]

Regardless of the reason, I would be pretty upset if I found out my T lied to me so explicitly. If it was me, I would be too scared to bring it up directly, and ifnInreally thought I couldn't get past it, I would quit.