The guilt of measuring up.

So many of you may remember me having to stop seeing my first T after being sent to a program, during the time in the program my T quit being a T and began working at said program. I soon graduated and was assigned a new T. However all I keep thinking and feeling is how much I miss my old T, and I try really hard to make it work with this T because I knew her from the program (Ironically she used to be one of the group therapy leaders) and we always got along well and we bonded. Maybe Im having a hard time coming to terms with her new role as my T and not as an instructer. I think Im having a really hard time coping without my first T.

I know she's not the same person and so our relationship is different. But it's like nothing is there, and I really dont have the will power or energy to want or make a really hard effort to start anew with this T. My depression is a full blown 7 out of ten (Ten being the worst). I've thought maybe it just won't work with this T, and if I switch there's not guarantee that a) I'll even get along with a new T, b) That it'll be any different with said new T, and c)That I can even make the effort to change T's.

The thing is, over the past few months the only thing that keeps me going back to my current T when my depression is so bad is that I knew her before and we got along. And we both acknowledge that had it been anyone else I would have just dropped out of treatment altogether. Even with her there were times where we discussed me dropping from treatment but I put out more energy then I thought I had just by forcing myself to show up. And I probably wouldn't have for anyone else. So I don't really think switching to a complete stranger would help matters.

On the other hand, perhaps with a stranger we could build our own relationship rather than have a pre-existing one that is different than what a normal T/Client relationship would be which is wht I have no with my current T. Then again, would I even show up? The effort it would take to even get to know one another, repeat all my history when my current T knows a lot of it, would be immense.

I don't know this is all just very confusing. Also been thinking about maybe going back to the program, it did help me there, and my T has suggested it and I ran into my old counselors there and they told me they wish I'd come back cause they miss me. And to be honest I'd get to see my old/First T the one I miss so much, so that's a bonus. I'll probably be assigned to her, when she first came to the program my counselor then wanted to transfer me over to her Case load since she knew I was close with my old T. I know going back to an old program to be near my old T isn't exactly the best idea, and I really need to talk with my current T about my feelings

I just feel so guilty, I tried bringing it up last session how much I missed my old T and wanted her back but all my current T said was 'Im sorry im not meeting your needs." I really do care about my current T and I knew I was hurting her feelings. I suppose I have to find a way to talk to her about this while making her know it's not her.

I'm sorry I don't have anything super helpful to say. I often feel like I failed my first therapist by not getting better while I saw her. I think I sometimes want what I can't have, and if I get what I want, it's not what I was expecting.

It sounds as though you are really depressed and that what you are doing isn't helping. Did participation in the program help you with depression? If there is a good possibility that it would help, I would go back.

Missing an old t is totally normal. I am sorry you feel guilt about that and sorry that your new t is not being helpful with that.

Can you just say what you said in your post about it not being about her, that you do care for current t while still missing old T?

I have decided to tell her next session I want to go back to the program. Thanks guys!

You need to do whatever you need to get yourself better/less depressed. I hope you look into your options about seeing your previous t!

It's been a while. I havent seen my T in 3 months. Nor am I in the program. I don't know what I'm going to do. maybe this is all there is. I mean isn't the entire goal of therapy to not need it anymore? I can't see myself ever not needing it. I just feel like I failed the easiest thing in life.

Failed the easiest thing in life? I think therapy is the hardest thing. Also I think there are many mediocre therapists, maybe your T is to blame not you.

Did you investigate getting back into your former program? Do you still want to do that?