Stacking the deck & blaming the T's

I'm coming to realize that the thing I fear is the thing I need. A T who can read minds. I've been to T's since I was a child, mostly when I was a child except for a few times in my adult life. Once ordered, and a few times voluntary. I have to admit that i flat out lied and did everything to throw them off when I was young and I had my reasons. Seeing T's in my adult life I have often withheld symptoms, downplayed the ones I revealed and lied about the big two questions they all ask every time they see us. I always find myself angry at them for not helping me, or failing to address the issues I don't talk about.

I guess I think if I give them some of my issues (the safe ones), that they will treat or help me with those and take enough of the weight off my shoulders that I can handle the rest of it on my own. I'm starting to realize though, that this strategy is never going to make any meaningful difference.

As a result of this I think I may have disorder/s that are not diagnosed or being addressed, and I question if these would change the T's mind about treatment strategy if they knew and considered them. I'm at that point where medication is being strongly suggested (again). And I think they believe that I am not capable of seeing the forest for the trees unless I am on meds.

If I didn't want to get better, I would walk away from all treatment, and let the chips fall where they may. I'm in a position where both me and the T are both right and wrong at the same time. I have to be in control of this process at all times, and the only way I can do that is by controlling the information they have (in other words manipulating them). That is not going to work though. It's like asking a mechanic to fix your car, but not giving him the keys. I'm stuck between myself, and them.

Do you have any thoughts, can you relate?

Personally, I found the only way through was to be as open and honest as possible so that my T and my Pdoc had all the information to work with. It's scary to be that open and actually verbalize some things, but it had to be done in order for me to get past those things and truly move on.

I understand the control issues, but what I learned was that by truly committing to walking through the fire, I was making a very controlled decision to do absolutely everything possible to heal. My secrets had really been what was in control. By revealing myself fully, including those secrets, I finally truly took control for the first time in my life. My past stopped running things and I took over.

So beautifully put Lola!! so true!! and it IS so hard to be vulnerable with those places we don't really want to show , or tell.. but there IS great freedom.. I still have yet to release control of a few areas and really work on them but the walls are coming down!! Mindwrench I think you're recognizing and acknowledging this is so huge!!!!

I can relate. It's hard to say things to other people when you can barely even admit them to yourself. I've found it gets better over time as the therapeutic relationship strengthens.

I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

I don't think it possible for me in my therapy to keep up any charade. As I talk the 'real' story would become known.
Plus lying in itself whittle be part of the work. So I guess I'm a bit non pluses trying to work out how that would actually work in the long run. Unless I was busy reporting to a stranger one in a while. Then that too wouldn't be of any use anyways. So.....

Exactly. The hardest person to "come out to" about almost anything is usually ourselves.

I... like big butts and i cannot lie! For example

I can definitely relate but it was difficult for me to verbalize or communicate my deep issues due to the content. I was trying to feel more at comfort with the therapeutic relationship and at one point I felt like I was finally on the verge to reveal those issues. I guess timing, events, and circumstances led to where I'm at now with no therapy. It's funny because I look back and I'm not sure if my T at the time was thinking that I was making no progress. I didn't see things that way. I knew that it was just a matter of time before I would progress. I totally agree that information that I was withholding was crucial to my diagnosis. I tried explaining that to my t. She at the time didn't seem to think that any added info was important to my diagnosis. I'm not sure if she would've changed her mind now.