[itjustis]

I've put the whole thing under a trigger warning as I'm not sure what the rules are around it.

I'm just wondering what the emotional process is when you talk about CSA in therapy?
I've been in therapy for nearly a year and it's only now that I'm beginning to be able to talk about it.

I don't wish to talk publicly about it, or talk about what happened to me at all, I just need someone to talk about the way I'm feeling and if it's 'normal'. I don't see my T until the end of the week and I'm struggling to process it.

If anyone is willing to talk through PM I would be really grateful.

[Waterbear]

I would be happy to talk through PM if you want but honestly, I don't think I have much to offer you except my thoughts. I have so far only managed to tell my T that something happened, not any details or any feelings or thoughts surrounding it. What I found was that I was scared that telling her would change our relationship and when it didn't I started to feel that we had put it back in the box. I told her this was how I felt and she reassured me that I was me, and that her knowing didn't change me or our relationship and that it hadn't been put back in the box but was free to be aired, discussed, felt etc as I needed or wanted.

I don't know if that helps at all but I hope that you can find someone to talk about this with. Hugs.

[junkDNA]

I've known my T for 6 years now. This year is the first time I've really talked about it albeit in a limited way. M T has known for a while that it happened. He has patiently waited for me to get strong enough and comfortable enough to talk about it. Talking abt it is really difficult for me and pretty emotionsl, so we take breaks often.

[therapyishelping777]

Yeah,, my T knows it happened and has had a huge effect but I have not talked any details about it either.. I'm just going through a support group now for csa, its in week 5 out of 12 weeks.. and is really good. I feel less alone.. maybe I'll talk to my T in this process. I don't know... All I know are the details are extremely humiliating.. it would take a huge moment for me to want to talk details.

Talking about it did not help me at all. I actually believe my therapist abandoned and rejected me because he was so disgusted and repulsed.

I really have never understood processing abuse, but maybe it's helpful for some people.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Talking about it did not help me at all. I actually believe my therapist abandoned and rejected me because he was so disgusted and repulsed.

That's awful, puzzlebug. I talked to my T about csa after a friend confided in me about abuse they had suffered. I was upset because my friend seemed to blame themselves and feel that they were disgusting or diseased or something when it was very clear (very!) from what they were describing that it was in no way their fault whatsoever. My T said that's very common, and what's horrible about that kind of abuse is that it leaves a person, sometimes, with a lifetime of shame-- undeservedly, it goes without saying. For you to feel that your T shared those thoughts of disgust sounds incredibly painful. I don't think that can be true, or can be the reason for termination. I know there are bad T's but that's just... they'd have to be a real sociopath.

My own stuff was a lot less than csa but I did have a lot of shame and then I reached a point, some months in and for no reason I can articulate, where I got mad. As in: how dare they have made me feel ashamed, I didn't have a thing to be ashamed for, they should be ashamed. I can't say the rage phase was pleasant (lots and lots of lost sleep and obsessing) but it seems to have been the antidote to shame. I think that's one way processing past traumas can be helpful.

[bounceback]

I have processed it and gotten to a point of forgiveness. It takes years to get to that point. When I first started talking about it, it was like talking about the weather. Just matter of fact, no emotions, nothing. When I started being able to feel again after many years, I couldn't seem to turn off the tears. If someone looked at me cross eyed I got emotional. I had to get rid of the shame, guilt, fear, anger, hatred etc. Once in a while something will still bother me but for the most part I am doing good.. All I can say is that it is a process which takes time. I am no means perfect now but I don't have all the shame, guilt, anger and disgust or hatred that I had.

[ThisWayOut]

For me, it's been a back and forth between spilling the story and being in denial about it.