[peaches100]

Hi all,

I have a great therapist, but I need to vent about something that happened at last week's session. I had shared with her my feelings of overwhelm at the constant barrage of stressful things that happen in my life. I told her I feel unable to cope with all of it. Even with the many coping skills I've learned, I often feel literally unable to tolerate the stress. As an example, I listed a number of things that all happened last month:

1. A 10-day visit by my parents

(We have a strained relationship, so it's always stressful for me when they come to town. They stay with my sister, which helps alot. But because my mom loves to shop and wants to do things every day she is here, I am usually exhausted by the time their visit is over. During this visit, my sister and/or I took her to: Macy's, Kohl's (twice), the music store, Walgreen's, Ulta, Vitamin Cottage, King Soopers, Sam's Club, the Casino (3 times), and a couple more places I can't recall now.

2. My parents' visit was followed, a few days later, by an important 3-day event that, with travel included, amounted to three 11-hour days.

3. The following weekend, my father-in-law crashed his car. He is getting dangerous as a driver, but won't stop driving.

4. A few days later, my father-in-law needed surgery for bladder stones, so we took him up to the hospital and stayed for the surgery, then took him home and went to get his prescriptions and some food.

(Note: My husband is an only child, so we have the responsibility to take care of his parents as they grow older and need help. It's hard, though, because my husband is disabled and has multiple serious health problems himself.)

4. During the last 2 weeks of the month, I had to work 10 hours of overtime (on top of my 40-hour per week full-time job) to meet deadlines.

5. Also, my husband got extremely ill last week, and I had to take him to the hospital. I was so afraid he would die, and I was alone with him at the hospital. We hadn't called his parents yet because his mom doesn't handle stress well, and we didn't want to scare them unnecessarily.

So after telling my t the list of things that had happened in September, I emphasized again that I just couldn't continue to cope with one crisis after another without letup! I am constantly in a state of stress, overload, or exhaustion. I have an anxiety disorder, and my t tries to work with me to relax without worrying that something bad will happen, but when I try to relax and enjoy myself, something bad always DOES happen.

So after telling my t all of the things that happened in September, and why I felt unable to keep living with all of this stress, she said, "I hear you saying you can't cope, but it looks to me like you have been coping." I didn't like her disagreeing with me about whether I was coping or not because I knew how I felt inside! It may have looked to her like I was coping, but inside, I was only suffering through the stressful events...enduring them because I have to, I have no other choice! To me, suffering through something isn't the same as coping with it. I told her that.

Then she asked me, "Do you imagine that other people don't experience some of the same traumatic events you do?" I didn't like the way she asked that question either. To me, it sounded like she was asking "Do you think you're the only one with problems?" I replied that I'm sure other people have experienced the same stressful events. I said I don't know if my stresses are worse than other people's or not. I am not inside their head and body, so I don't know what it is like for them. But I told her that sometimes, I feel like my problems ARE worse than other people. Then I added, "or maybe I just stink at coping."

My t told me that many people have had the same traumatic events I have had, and those people have managed not only to cope with the traumas, but thrive. She brought up the example of Maya Angelou, who had a very traumatic childhood, yet she became a famous poet and even stood and read her poetry in front of the President.

I know my t probably meant to give me confidence that I could also learn to cope with trauma and thrive. But it made me feel really bad about myself. It sounded like she was telling me, "Look, you're problems are no different than anybody else's problems. Look at these other people. They have had the same traumatic events. They coped with their trials, and even thrived! So there's no reason you should not be able to do the same." I felt like she was minimizing my stresses and saying there's no good reason why I should have so much trouble coping.

Since then, I have emailed to tell her that our discussion bothered me, and why it made me feel bad. Oddly, she didn't respond to my message. In the past, whenever I've sent her a message to tell her I felt upset by something in our relationship, she has always responded - at least to acknowledge that she received it. After 4 days, I sent another message, where I apologized for having been a bit harsh in my earlier email (it wasn't horribly rude or anything, but I felt guilty anyway). I also said I was surprised she didn't respond under these circumstances.

After that, she replied, telling me that she intended to reply (although not explaining why she didn't follow through). She said she thought about what I'd said and realized her comments made me feel minimized and she was sorry.

I feel good that she apologized, but I'm concerned about why she chose not to reply until I prodded her. It also bothers me that she didn't show more compassion last week when I told her how difficult is is for me to cope. She knows I have problems with dissociation, and when my stress gets too high, that's when my normal adult self that can cope crumbles, and then I can suddenly become like a needy, terrified little girl. So why did she compare me to other people the way she did, which made me feel like a failure, like I wasn't trying hard enough or coping well enough? I have C-PTSD, GAD, and DDNOS (possibly DID) and it is just not that easy!!

What made this situation so triggering is that when I was growing up, my parents compared me unfavorably to my super successful older sister ("Why can't you be like her?"). Actually, my dad still does compare me negatively with her.

Because I'm so good at seeming competent and in control (as long as I don't get triggered and dissociate), I've found that other people (if they happen to witness one of my dissociative episodes) can't understand why I can't be equally competent at those times. It's like they assume that I'm exaggerating my difficulty, faking helplessness, or just not trying to deal with things in an adult way.

My t isn't usually like that. But last week, I felt like she was doing the same thing. I know everybody makes mistakes, including my t, and I accept her apology. But now I don't want to talk about my problems in therapy anymore. I feel ashamed for not coping better, when other people clearly can and do. If I talk about how hard it is for me to cope, I will feel like I'm just being a big ol' baby. I don't feel safe talking to my t now about my painful feelings. I feel like I need to just pull up my big girl britches, grow up, and face problems like everybody else does.

[precaryous]

I would have felt minimized and judged by the things your T said. Not helpful at all. Perhaps she was trying to get you to reframe your experiences, but stress is stress. Who is better to judge if you are coping as well than you normally would, but you? You are the expert of your experiences.

This would be a stumbling block in my therapy, too. I'm glad your T was open to hear how unhelpful her comments were. Hope you both can fix it.

[therapyishelping777]

That would really trigger me too .. and make me cautious about what I say in future.. she will need to build up that trust that was broken here.. I'm super sorry about that.. Also comparing "other people can handle it" comment, would have totally thrown me. Sounds like you've been super mature and forgiving even in the midst of a hurtful situation and after all that stress!!

[mostlylurking]

I would have felt the same as you, I don't think your T was being very supportive on that day. If I were trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, I'd say she was trying to acknowledge your successes (because you did get those things handled, somehow), and then normalize things in some way, and then encourage you. But all three of those things were badly done if you ask me.

Maybe she's going through something really difficult in her personal life, that could explain her having an off day and taking longer to reply to your email?

ETA: Also, I'm sorry for what you've been going through. Dealing with family visits and being worried your husband might die... those are major things. I hope the stress lets up for you soon.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi all,

I have a great therapist, but I need to vent about something that happened at last week's session. I had shared with her my feelings of overwhelm at the constant barrage of stressful things that happen in my life. I told her I feel unable to cope with all of it. Even with the many coping skills I've learned, I often feel literally unable to tolerate the stress. As an example, I listed a number of things that all happened last month:

1. A 10-day visit by my parents

(We have a strained relationship, so it's always stressful for me when they come to town. They stay with my sister, which helps alot. But because my mom loves to shop and wants to do things every day she is here, I am usually exhausted by the time their visit is over. During this visit, my sister and/or I took her to: Macy's, Kohl's (twice), the music store, Walgreen's, Ulta, Vitamin Cottage, King Soopers, Sam's Club, the Casino (3 times), and a couple more places I can't recall now.

2. My parents' visit was followed, a few days later, by an important 3-day event that, with travel included, amounted to three 11-hour days.

3. The following weekend, my father-in-law crashed his car. He is getting dangerous as a driver, but won't stop driving.

4. A few days later, my father-in-law needed surgery for bladder stones, so we took him up to the hospital and stayed for the surgery, then took him home and went to get his prescriptions and some food.

(Note: My husband is an only child, so we have the responsibility to take care of his parents as they grow older and need help. It's hard, though, because my husband is disabled and has multiple serious health problems himself.)

4. During the last 2 weeks of the month, I had to work 10 hours of overtime (on top of my 40-hour per week full-time job) to meet deadlines.

5. Also, my husband got extremely ill last week, and I had to take him to the hospital. I was so afraid he would die, and I was alone with him at the hospital. We hadn't called his parents yet because his mom doesn't handle stress well, and we didn't want to scare them unnecessarily.

So after telling my t the list of things that had happened in September, I emphasized again that I just couldn't continue to cope with one crisis after another without letup! I am constantly in a state of stress, overload, or exhaustion. I have an anxiety disorder, and my t tries to work with me to relax without worrying that something bad will happen, but when I try to relax and enjoy myself, something bad always DOES happen.

So after telling my t all of the things that happened in September, and why I felt unable to keep living with all of this stress, she said, "I hear you saying you can't cope, but it looks to me like you have been coping." I didn't like her disagreeing with me about whether I was coping or not because I knew how I felt inside! It may have looked to her like I was coping, but inside, I was only suffering through the stressful events...enduring them because I have to, I have no other choice! To me, suffering through something isn't the same as coping with it. I told her that.

Then she asked me, "Do you imagine that other people don't experience some of the same traumatic events you do?" I didn't like the way she asked that question either. To me, it sounded like she was asking "Do you think you're the only one with problems?" I replied that I'm sure other people have experienced the same stressful events. I said I don't know if my stresses are worse than other people's or not. I am not inside their head and body, so I don't know what it is like for them. But I told her that sometimes, I feel like my problems ARE worse than other people. Then I added, "or maybe I just stink at coping."

My t told me that many people have had the same traumatic events I have had, and those people have managed not only to cope with the traumas, but thrive. She brought up the example of Maya Angelou, who had a very traumatic childhood, yet she became a famous poet and even stood and read her poetry in front of the President.

I know my t probably meant to give me confidence that I could also learn to cope with trauma and thrive. But it made me feel really bad about myself. It sounded like she was telling me, "Look, you're problems are no different than anybody else's problems. Look at these other people. They have had the same traumatic events. They coped with their trials, and even thrived! So there's no reason you should not be able to do the same." I felt like she was minimizing my stresses and saying there's no good reason why I should have so much trouble coping.

Since then, I have emailed to tell her that our discussion bothered me, and why it made me feel bad. Oddly, she didn't respond to my message. In the past, whenever I've sent her a message to tell her I felt upset by something in our relationship, she has always responded - at least to acknowledge that she received it. After 4 days, I sent another message, where I apologized for having been a bit harsh in my earlier email (it wasn't horribly rude or anything, but I felt guilty anyway). I also said I was surprised she didn't respond under these circumstances.

After that, she replied, telling me that she intended to reply (although not explaining why she didn't follow through). She said she thought about what I'd said and realized her comments made me feel minimized and she was sorry.

I feel good that she apologized, but I'm concerned about why she chose not to reply until I prodded her. It also bothers me that she didn't show more compassion last week when I told her how difficult is is for me to cope. She knows I have problems with dissociation, and when my stress gets too high, that's when my normal adult self that can cope crumbles, and then I can suddenly become like a needy, terrified little girl. So why did she compare me to other people the way she did, which made me feel like a failure, like I wasn't trying hard enough or coping well enough? I have C-PTSD, GAD, and DDNOS (possibly DID) and it is just not that easy!!

What made this situation so triggering is that when I was growing up, my parents compared me unfavorably to my super successful older sister ("Why can't you be like her?"). Actually, my dad still does compare me negatively with her.

Because I'm so good at seeming competent and in control (as long as I don't get triggered and dissociate), I've found that other people (if they happen to witness one of my dissociative episodes) can't understand why I can't be equally competent at those times. It's like they assume that I'm exaggerating my difficulty, faking helplessness, or just not trying to deal with things in an adult way.

My t isn't usually like that. But last week, I felt like she was doing the same thing. I know everybody makes mistakes, including my t, and I accept her apology. But now I don't want to talk about my problems in therapy anymore. I feel ashamed for not coping better, when other people clearly can and do. If I talk about how hard it is for me to cope, I will feel like I'm just being a big ol' baby. I don't feel safe talking to my t now about my painful feelings. I feel like I need to just pull up my big girl britches, grow up, and face problems like everybody else does.

I would feel minimized as well. I went through a similar event myself with my T. I do think that they try to build confidence by pointing out that others are going through it as well. It's almost like a you're in the same boat as other people and this shall pass. However, I don't think it's effective with everyone. People like you and I will take differently and seeing it as minimizing. I don't like to compare one persons issues with another. We all cope differently and there's absolutely no way that even if people have experienced similar issues that their life events are identical. What certain a Ts don't understand that it's on only the one event that's an issue but the accumulation of issue in a short period of time together with dealing with life's regular ups and downs. It was great that you reached out to her and ideally if would've been better if she answered due to the nature of the subject and her knowing that she triggered something in that session. You could give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn't have time to answer. I'm not sure whether that's true or not. I think that it's important to verbalize and bring to the table your issues when your in session regardless of what she said prior to this. Otherwise what's the point of going to therapy. she probably meant well in that session but her approach wasn't the best. Perhaps now she will be more careful in how she approaches certain issues. You've done nothing wrong. Also everyone copes differently and some people might seem like their coping when in actuality it's different behind closed doors. I'm one of those people as well. When I was going through my divorce/custody battle along everything else going on in my world my T also said to me that many people have gone through what I've gone through. I found that to be minimizing. I'm sure she meant it the way yours did but I took i responded the way you did as well. I've had people approach me and tell me how well I'm handling things but they have no idea the issues that I've dealt with and encountered. My coping skills aren't the best. There's a big difference between how things seem to be and how things really are.

[doogie]

I totally understand why you would feel that way. My T has said similar things before. We have talked about it afterward (next session) and she was mortified that I interpreted her words and actions as being minimizing to me and my feelings. From her side, she said she was trying to encourage me and help me find my strength by letting me know that I was not alone in my stress and struggle and that others who have hit bottom and black places have found their way out. Her explanation didn't make me feel better necessarily, but it DID make me feel better to hear her explanation and know that she was trying to help me in the way that - at the time - she thought was helpful.

I hope that you can talk to your T about this and let her know that the words and attitude hurt you. Your feelings are real - no matter if the intention behind the words was good.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T has said similar things to me. "But you are coping. You survived". That's not the point! The point is I struggled, I hurt, I was suffering!

But she is right. I made it through it all. I could survive the pain. I didn't have to SI. I lived through it. And she wasn't physically with me, so I did it on my own. She tells me this so that I know I can do it when something comes up again (which it will).

Even this week I've been dealing with SUI thoughts. She didn't really give me any advice. She said "I know it's hard and you'll get through it. They will lessen again just as they always do. Just do what you can until we meet!" She's reminding me that I have been through this before, many times, and have survived. That thoughts and feelings don't last forever. Life changes.

I think that's all your T was trying to do. But I do get how it can feel invalidating. Just let her know how it made you feel. That you just need your pain validated.

[Teddy:)]

Your T's response was quite invalidating!sorry you felt that way! My T has done the whole "you survived" & "you aren't the only one who suffers with these feelings" statements before and I felt the same way as you feel- I didn't want to talk about them anymore. Its hard to trust someone and be open with them only for them to become that punitive parent you avoid.
I find that my T in these moments is trying to have me see that I'm not weird or damaged by feeling or struggling with things, that I'm normal like everyone else. I do understand why T does this but at times I think T misses what I'm really needing in that moment and that's just to have someone validated, acknowledged and listen to how I'm feeling without passing judgement.
Sometimes I think people believe that in order to be struggling you have to be visibly affected but that's not always the case- I can be smiling on the outside whilst crying on the inside- coping is very individual and shouldn't be compared in my opinion!

[peaches100]

Thanks, everybody! I am so grateful for you guys!

I had my session last week and told my t how I felt about her remarks. She apologized and admitted she made a mistake in the way she worded things with me. She said she had thought about it later and realized that she had unintentionally invalidated my feelings. She felt bad about it.

She wanted me to know, though, that her intention was not to compare me unfavorably with other people who have faced traumas and have coped and thrived. My t said that the reason she said this was to reassure me that healing from trauma is possible. She said after we have done the work in therapy to heal those traumas, it will be easier for me to cope with stressful events in my life. I will be able to achieve my goals because I won't have so much of my energy tied up with trauma-related thoughts, emotions, memories, etc.

I felt much better about her after she explained her intentions behind her words. The odd thing, though, was that by the time I was able to see her and talk to her about it, I had totally taken on the blame for being weak, childish, needy...all the things I thought she was accusing me of. The reason I took on that image is because, deep down, that IS the way I see myself. It is the way my parents saw me. There have also been a couple of people in my life who have said things to me that indicated they saw me as being self-pitying or weak before. So it is hugely ingrained in me that I am that way. That is why I interpreted my t's words the way I did.

The weird thing is that, even after my t explained that she didn't mean it that way, I felt like that interpretation was correct. By then, I had decided (for the 100th time) that it isn't safe to express feeling scared, overwhelmed, hurt, or needy. There is a part of me that finds it utterly deplorable not to be strong and independent and able to handle things without help. That's where my mind was fixed when I got to her office.

I guess I was in a self-protection mode. But after my t explained things to me, and I felt better about it, I still couldn't not switch out of my protection mode. I could not feel my emotions at all. The good part is that I didn't have any feeling of being overwhelmed, anxious, scared. I didn't feel like I needed my t's help to cope, or anybody else's. But I also couldn't feel good emotions either. I sort of felt hollow, like the tin man in the Wizard of Oz.

My t said I did not seem like my normal self. She said I felt distant. She asked me if I felt distant, and I said Yes, but I didn't feel bad or mad at her. I just felt like a mature, capable adult who could handle problems instead of a whiny, needy little girl who can't handle her life. My t seemed to want the vulnerable, small-feeling parts of me to show, but I was unable to find them. I felt bad that I couldn't shift back into my normal self because I know, at some level, that my t IS safe and that it IS OK to show my feelings, even the scared, sad ones. But I was truly stuck in my robotic, "I can handle things and don't need anybody" mode.

This has happened to be before when I have gotten triggered by something somebody said or did that felt like the same thing my parents did to me. My t has seen me like that before too. I know it did not surprise her.

I did not return to feeling like my normal self, with ALL of my emotions until sometime the day after my session. Since then, I feel like myself again.

Can anybody relate to this? The switching from feeling like yourself to feeling like a scared, needy child when you get triggered? And then feeling such horrible shame over it that you then become a capable, independent, emotionless kind of person that can carry out your daily responsibilities and "do life," but it kind of feels like being a robot?

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Can anybody relate to this? The switching from feeling like yourself to feeling like a scared, needy child when you get triggered? And then feeling such horrible shame over it that you then become a capable, independent, emotionless kind of person that can carry out your daily responsibilities and "do life," but it kind of feels like being a robot?

I very much relate. Just this week I got triggered at the end of our session. When I still felt scared and needy at home, I called to schedule another session. But once I got to work the next day and into my "faking being a normal adult" mode, I was too embarrassed to meet with T and talk it all out.

I often feel like there are three versions of me--the normal(ish) me, the traumatized me, and the faking normal me.

We all have to have the ability to set the emotions aside and function in that adult mode or we would be emotional wrecks a good portion of the time, often when we absolutely need to be able to function rationally and calmly and strategically. It isn't a bad thing to be able to do that. That is emotional regulation at work.

I've had to work through things going on in my personal life that were pretty horrendous and I was inwardly an emotional wreck, but emoting those feelings has to have a time and a place in the real world. My job won't hold while I break down. I've had times when loved ones were in the hospital. They needed me to be able to function calmly and put myself on the back burner for awhile. I could fall apart later once I was home on my own, but I needed to be present and functional; I needed to still be there for my kids, pay my bills, etc.

So, it is a survival skill to be able to adult and put those emotions on hold from time to time. It isn't full-out denial of emotions (that isn't healthy), but it is putting them off for a different time and place. Sort of making an appointment with our emotions for a later time. Sometime we just have to do that.

Glad your session went well and you are feeling better about things.