Attachment to authority figures

At the end of my last session with T, I had a bit of a meltdown regarding my intense attachment to my marriage counselor. Later that evening, I exchanged a few texts with him (which I also go upset over, because at first he wasn't giving me the reassurance I wanted) and e-mailed T about it the next day. Part of her response was: "The whole issue of authority figures and strong attachment clearly needs to be parsed out as it continues to cause you pain."

This is something that's come up throughout my life, with a particularly painful episode involving a high school teacher (who abandoned me when I was having bad mental health issues), plus others throughout my life. Mostly male, but a few female. My T used to just mention about my attachment to "older male authority figures," but this time she left out the "male" part, probably because she's come to realize that I'm quite attached to her, too. (Note that I have not had this sort of attachment to any past therapist, though I also hadn't seen any for nearly as long as I've been seeing T or MC.)

I know some of you have talked about attachment and transference to T's and other people in your life. And I know there has been discussion about this before. But what helped you in understanding, processing, and dealing with your intense attachments, both past and present? I see T on Monday and will be talking about it with her then, so just curious as to your experiences.

Brief childhood background: I grew up with both parents (only child), and it would probably appear from the outside that we were very close. I mean, I used to give my mom those 'You're not just my mom, you're my friend too!" cards for Mother's Day and stuff. My dad was never particularly emotionally close, but he was there. Though neither were supportive when I had mental health issues, like OCD (started when I was quite young), anxiety, and depression. I didn't feel accepted for who I was. I was an overachiever, in Honors classes in school, getting mostly A's, not getting in trouble, etc. But it always felt like if I made a mistake (failing an exam, getting a speeding ticket, etc.), my mom wouldn't really let me live it down. For years. Which led to me being very hard on myself. (And it felt sort of like mental illness was a mistake, a flaw...)

So I think for me, I'd become attached to people, like teachers, who seemed to understand me and accept me as I was, who seemed to believe in me even if I did screw up. And then if they did end up rejecting me for some reason, it was extra painful, like with that high school teacher, who told me I was one of his "special students," that I could come back and visit or contact him anytime after graduation, and then telling me to never contact him again .

MC has said before that he knows I'm basically "testing" him at times, like "Will you still accept me if I feel/tell you x?" Like kids do to their parents. And he understands and accepts that. But at some point, I'm going to need to detach from him (and T). And I want to work through this so that I can manage to separate from them without it feeling like my heart is being torn out of my chest (how I feel whenever I think about never seeing him again). Also so I don't just keep repeating this pattern...

Thanks for reading...

Yes, absolutely. Not sure where mine comes from but for me the issue is older women authority figures. And sometimes I give someone more authority (in my mind) than she really has.

Whats the end story with your parents? As i see it, we use ts as crutches to help us limp towards a successful end story with the parents, who might otherwise leave us beaten down in the dust. The end story with the ts only matters in that it is possible and healthy, whereas a healthy end story with the parents was/is impossible.

I have been very attached to teachers and friends moms, therapists or anyone who will let me.
I never really understood it until I realised that my upbringing wasn't normal. I realised that my friends were loved by their parents, they were made to feel special and wanted. I had never felt that at home. I am now grieving the loss of not having a secure attachment and being loved. Being at my friends house was very painful because it was like they were showing me what I was missing in my own life. Therapy is like that now because the more I attach the more I know what I need in real life. I need someone to be interested and to care about me. I also know it's a professional relationship and that's tough.
So I know realistically my t cannot give me what I need but through the attachment/ transference I now know why I crave and long for them. T and I often talk about how I feel she doesn't like me or how I feel she wants to get rid of me. I project this onto authority figures.
It sounds like having someone to attach to and who is secure like your Mc will be healing for you lonesome. My t never flinches or runs away from my attachment. She is by no means perfect but she has really helped with my attachment issues because she has allowed me to attach to her and welcomed most discussion around it. Through talking and doing and processing all of this unmet needs and pain you have endured, that's where the healing is. Well that's just my two cents anyway. My t really values our relationship and will always be honest even when it will hurt me.

Intense attachment is both heaven and hell, imo. You waiver between periods of elated glory and torturous irrationality! I used to be insecurely and intensely attached to my t. Now I would say I'm just attached, more towards the secure mark but certainly not all the way.

What helped me understand my attachment issues was learning the importance of primary caregiver attachment in childhood and about the effects it has had on me my whole life. To find out, "oohh, I think way and do that thing because my own mother didn't love me" just kind of opened the doors to clarity. With understanding, I was able to cut myself some slack and not think the worst of myself for having some of the thinking patterns and behaviors I did (and still do).

As for processing the attachment, T and I last talked about attachment about a year ago which is when I was in the thick of things. That was it. What served me best was being able to talk about this attachment to a couple others on this forum about it. No better way process this insanity than to be heard by someone else who totally gets it. Also validating that what you are feeling is normal. That said, you are more than welcome to PM me anytime!

I also did some grieving around what I lost out on as a child and what could never be. Very painful but it was most helpful to me to move through the intensity of the attachment to my t. It's a difficult journey all around. Understanding, processing, and grieving helps.

I think I'm past the maternal transference stuff. Maybe because I now have a relationship with my mom. But my attachment to women authority figures is still really strong. I'm not like this with all women. It seems to just be the ones who support me with my mental health problems.

I know it stems from my childhood. My mom didn't want anything to do with me, and my dad was too busy working. I started getting attached to women as early as 5 years old. They were/are my safety. They were/are my main source for emotional support.

How to work through it? Idk. My T and I are distancing sessions so I can slowly let go. She is giving me a year termination process. I only have 6 months left. It's really hard. She wants me to try to avoid women I feel an instant attachment to. She said I'll probably develop an attachment no matter what, but this way will slow it down.

for me, its men. older men. i seek them out. i think its pretty obvious in my case as to why this is happening... my dad being abusive and then dying when i was 10 years old. i have a problem with women though. i do not see them as comforting or anything at all, even when i know they are nice people and want to help me. its not the same feeling i get from a man. it actually makes me angry. im sure this has to do with my mom being absent for most of my life when i needed her the most.

im going thru intense attachment to my T. its been gradually growing. it peaks sometimes, sometimes i feel intense love for T, so grateful for him and all hes done fo rme. sometimes it gets bad though and i think he hates me and i overanalyze everything he does or doesnt do. for me its been really helpful to talk about it. it took me a LOT of courage to admit to him that i cared about him, and eventually have come to love him.

Your T sounds awesome, it would be really easy to get attached to him it seems..

yea sometimes i wish i never met him HAH
*cries*

I have this struggle too. I'm still on the path of discovering how and what could help heal and make the necessary changes. I think that by admitting to ourselves that we have a problem in this area really opens up the door to finding answers and paves a pathway to embrace new discoveries. It helps to know that I'm not the only person who struggles with this.

(((Hugs)))

I can truly relate to what you said. I always enjoy reading your posts and I can relate to your relationship with your T as similar to my relationship with my former T.