[Longingforhome]

I have had the oddest 24hours. Usually, I am this totally put together, contained, utterly capable high functioning human being, quashing down whatever bubbles up and threatens to disrupt that (food, wine, fantasies being my favourite forms of quashing).

Yesterday, though, it all cracked open when I just lost it and broke down in tears over a ridiculous business situation (it was Ok and i am Ok with having lost it. Not going to beat myself up with judgement).

Then today, I just felt this massive sense of grief for my parents. Who never could give me what I needed, but were good (albeit flawed) human beings who ... Ok, definitely didn't try as hard as they could have. But did what they could with the cards life dealt them.

Suddenly I am not diverting myself into fantasy parent figures or T transference or anything else. The loss and its reality is there in front of me, and I'm feeling every minute of the grief and the wishing and hoping it could be different.

I even stunned myself by drafting an email to T and almost playing Russian Roulette over whether it would send from my presently cantankerous phone. To my utter shock, it did.

So there he has it. The play by play, raw, unedited footage. Don't know what to think: it is very out of character for me to email. Then, this whole thing is just utter foreign territory.

Not sure why I am posting, sorry. Just needed to reach out.

[SoupDragon]

Maybe although it might be hard, it's also maybe a really good thing you are experiencing right now. I can relate to some of what you have written and this week I have also felt a sense of forgiveness for everyone. Before it's just been my rational head understanding it, but to FEEL it is something different. Take care.

[Out There]

Painful , but hopefully ultimately healing for you. How long we try to squash that down for. Sending you safe , gentle hugs if wanted.

Longingforhome.
I'm in the same place. The recent knowledge of the death of my mother has seen all my suppressed feelings rise up like a vocalno erupting. As you say, the is no transference going on only cold hard reality.
The clash between the fantasys I've maintained all my life to suppress the reality of the losses I've suffered is extremely painful. It's like being on a roller-coaster at the moment.
I hear you!

Sounds to me like you do know why you are posting because you need some support right now
I am glad you sent an email to your t and reached out here. It's very difficult to sit with these painful feelings you are experiencing and it sounds as though somehow you were able to not only tolerAte them but also to process them. How does it feel now after reaching out? I hope you are not punishing yourself because you are doing a great job. Grieving our unmet needs is the hardest thing in the world to do.

[Longingforhome]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Maybe although it might be hard, it's also maybe a really good thing you are experiencing right now. I can relate to some of what you have written and this week I have also felt a sense of forgiveness for everyone. Before it's just been my rational head understanding it, but to FEEL it is something different. Take care.

Thanks, SoupDragon: I think it is a good thing but I just can't work out what triggered it (maybe the business issue on Friday, which had a bunch of the dynamics I can't stand) and secondly, why I had such a 'straightforward' response in connecting to my relationship with my parents. Up til now, like you, I have had rational forgiveness, but not the emotional kind. And the rational kind doesn't seem to stick. I ended up going back and forth all the time. I guess time will tell...thanks for taking the time to write

[Longingforhome]

Originally Posted by Out There

Painful , but hopefully ultimately healing for you. How long we try to squash that down for. Sending you safe , gentle hugs if wanted.

Thank you, out there. Hugs are 100 percent what I need right now.

[Longingforhome]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Longingforhome.
I'm in the same place. The recent knowledge of the death of my mother has seen all my suppressed feelings rise up like a vocalno erupting. As you say, the is no transference going on only cold hard reality.
The clash between the fantasys I've maintained all my life to suppress the reality of the losses I've suffered is extremely painful. It's like being on a roller-coaster at the moment.
I hear you!

I'm sorry for your loss, Mouse. It's weird, because my mother died almost 2 years ago, and I felt a bit, but not really much other than relief (she was very demanding of me without giving anything much back - she was incapable - and by the time she died I was utterly depleted. It's also really confusing suddenly having to intensely manage and care for somebody who you are quite terrified of, and whose presence you have avoided forever. Last nights 'fantasy' was different because I was imagining them as normal, caring interested, supportive parents, giving me strength and wisdom and encouragement for the **** I am trying to deal with. In the past, any fantasy (I work hard not to do that any more) would have involved somebody else. I've never wished or hope for my parents to be able to deliver. It sounds horrible, but it's been more like, get out of the way and let somebody else do the job. I decided that from a very young age.

It seems extremely scary to finally feel those feelings we've surpressed for so long, and not eat or drink them away or distract ourselves with fantasies. I really fought with that last night (the eating and drinking bit). I got through but it felt like utter white knuckling. I have T on Tuesday. So who knows.

[Longingforhome]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Sounds to me like you do know why you are posting because you need some support right now
I am glad you sent an email to your t and reached out here. It's very difficult to sit with these painful feelings you are experiencing and it sounds as though somehow you were able to not only tolerAte them but also to process them. How does it feel now after reaching out? I hope you are not punishing yourself because you are doing a great job. Grieving our unmet needs is the hardest thing in the world to do.

Thanks, Monalisasmile. Yeah, maybe that is it? The need for support? I his don't like that very much (the need - not the support. I am very grateful for that).
I don't feel bad for emailing T (and I know he wouldn't mind). We have an arrangement that I can email: at my request, he is not to respond. Email was how my bad ex T and I got started with our messy relationship. Am very cautious about it.

I suppose I find that curious, too. That I would email him at all: it's a big move for me, and I've only ever done it once before. Something has shifted for me and T in terms of trust for me to be able to do that. But what if that trust is misplaced? What if I'm dissociating who he really is, or splitting or whatever the heck it's called? It's a big worry for me - that I trust too easily and suddenly wake up to fine I am in a horror movie and I have been all along, and I just don't know it.

I did ask for a second appt this week as I have a huge amount going on...

Originally Posted by Longingforhome

Thanks, Monalisasmile. Yeah, maybe that is it? The need for support? I his don't like that very much (the need - not the support. I am very grateful for that).
I don't feel bad for emailing T (and I know he wouldn't mind). We have an arrangement that I can email: at my request, he is not to respond. Email was how my bad ex T and I got started with our messy relationship. Am very cautious about it.

I suppose I find that curious, too. That I would email him at all: it's a big move for me, and I've only ever done it once before. Something has shifted for me and T in terms of trust for me to be able to do that. But what if that trust is misplaced? What if I'm dissociating who he really is, or splitting or whatever the heck it's called? It's a big worry for me - that I trust too easily and suddenly wake up to fine I am in a horror movie and I have been all along, and I just don't know it.

I did ask for a second appt this week as I have a huge amount going on...

You know, I can really see that by emailing him there was a big shift of trust in your relationship and perhaps you are a little frightened to trust this shift and see it as positive. I would be apprehensive too if this is how the boundaries got blurred with your ex t. I wonder though if you are projecting what happened with ex t into current t. He hasn't given you a reason to mistrust him yet, has he? He has been safe and supportive so far, has he?
It's interesting that you think you trust too much and you did email him. What could you do to make this feel safer, is there some way you and t cAn negotiate a way around this?
I wonder if you are recreating a pattern from your past and trying to make it safe. Something is telling you this isn't safe, is that right?

[Longingforhome]

Yes, I am definitely very wary on account of what happened with XT, and I think what I fear more than me getting too attached to him, is him getting too attached to me.

In terms of giving me reasons to mistrust...I don't know. He's very well boundaried in terms of time and outside contact etc. But I am super sensitive to other things - like ANY self disclosure, him seeming too absorbed in me and my story, him finding our sessions 'entertaining' and his demeanour being too relaxed/casual.

***TRIGGER WARNING****

I did email him last month to raised it all - I was starting to start having these flashes of us getting s**ly involved that were very intrusive and unwelcome, and I did feel like his demeanour and relaxed approach was scaring me at one level, even though rationally I didn't think he was interested in me in that way. He's been more careful since then, and I appreciate it.

But honestly? I have no idea what is real. I definitely have a track record of trying to make people OK or safe, whether they are or not. I suppose as a response to my childhood.

I honestly have no idea whether people are really safe, or whether I am just 'making' them that way. And I def feel that way with this T. But I also honestly couldn't tell you whether he deserves my mistrust or not. It's like one of my warning systems is broken and I can't tell whether it's going off 'cause there's a problem or because the light bulb on it below or whatever. And truly, I don't know how I will ever know.

The business situation on Friday was about this, too. People promising to fix things/take care of important business things after others had let me down...and having no idea who to trust or believe.

ETA - it makes me wonder how it's possible to live in the world with other people, a lot of the time. But I don't want to live alone, either. The only people I 100% trust are my kids and sometimes my H...though he's never done a thing to earn my mistrust.

[Waterbear]

I just wanted to say I am right there with you with the mistrust thing. The comment you made about not knowing whether the alarm is going off because it really is a warning or because the alarm is faulty. How will we ever know? I too do not trust my H, most of the time for me. It is so damn hard to live in a world full of people that 'cannot be trusted' when you really don't want to live your life alone. Rock and hard place. Sorry I can't help or support but know this, you are not alone in feeling this way.

[Longingforhome]

Thanks thanks, Waterbear - that's pretty much my biggest and scariest issues right now. What if I never learn the tell the difference? Am I doomed to keep living this really confusing life where I second guess every decision I make around people, keep
choosing people who ultimately use me or let me down ( or just perception: objective reality) and can't trust the ones who probably are just fine & have my interests at heart? It's like living without a critical sense or something. I just don't seem tthink have the capacity to work it out. It makes me very sad and very despairing.

My mother was like this, but she never knew it about herself. She just kept reliving the same old destructive patterns, choosing the wrong people and bypassing the right ones. I don't think she ever even saw it, though, or stopped to wonder why it kept happening.

I think my biggest fear right now is that I am unfixable and I will end up like my mother - angry, prickly, difficult, unable to see the good in the good people and the bad in the bad, and perpetually caught up in the same dysfunctional games again and again and again.