Pushing boundaries

itjustis · Oct 26, 2016, 05:00 PM

Does anybody else try to push the contact boundaries? I find I'm trying to push T's boundaries...it's like I go through phases of feeling like I really need T and that extra support and I can't help pushing her.

I will text when I know I shouldn't, email even though she's told me she's too busy to reply. It's like I need her attention but the more she doesn't give it to me the more I push her and get angry, upset and disappointed when I get no reply.

My T has been firm with her boundaries by not replying to me but it is driving me completely nuts.
One part of me knows and understands that I need these boundaries but then another side of me doesn't understand at all. It's so confusing and painful for me.

ScrewedUpMe · Oct 26, 2016, 05:07 PM

I know what you mean and it's so hard and painful like you say. I don't necessarily push the boundaries because T doesn't make any rules, she does reply, I just don't know when it will be, but if I get even the slightest hint that she is unavailable or too busy for me and it triggers my abandonment issues, I will throw my toys out of the pram and accuse her of not caring about me etc. Although she won't mind me emailing that stuff, I do feel really stupid afterwards. It is very hard when you feel like you really need them and can't get to them, I do understand. Like you, I feel I need boundaries and have been hinting at this to T lately, but I know if she instills them I will tell her she doesn't care and act like I didn't ask for it!

It's really tough isn't it? Wish I could offer something more helpful.

Oct 26, 2016, 05:11 PM

I do contact my T quite often but never push his boundaries or criticize his responses or no responses. I don't think it would be fair to expect a T to reply more, I am even often anxious about possibly emailing too often (I pay him for sessions not for constant attention) but he encourages my emails.

For me, it is easy to understand, especially as I run into people in my own professional life emailing too much and it can be overwhelming. I am simply my T's one work commitments out of many and he has a busy personal life as well. No issue for me, I would never become intrusive as I am quite sensitive to intrusion and pushing myself. For me the emails are mostly for sharing information and thoughts.

Longingforhome · Oct 26, 2016, 05:14 PM

When I'm feeling like this, I try to work out what it is I'm really wanting and whether there's some other way of getting it. Because even the texts/phone calls/comfort only goes so far, and it's never enough. It doesn't 'fix' anything in the long term. It just gives you a 'fix' for a period of time. So even though it feels like the solution, maybe it's just one possible solution? And if we can work out what the need is, we can find others, that come with less cost to us/others? I don't know, I really don't...just musing, really.

Oct 26, 2016, 06:18 PM

i am not a boundary pusher because i dont like it when people try to do that with me.

BudFox · Oct 26, 2016, 07:22 PM

If these boundaries are making you suffer, seems to me you don't need them, rather you need something else, which is connection. I assume the boundaries help her by keeping you from intruding on her time, which suggests the boundaries are for her benefit, but are framed as a benefit for you.

For me reaching out and getting no reply, or having the urge but suppressing it because them's the rules, was just distressing plain and simple. There is really no way to reconcile someone who professes to care but then demands that you not contact them. How is that anything other than a recipe for suffering?

LonesomeTonight · Oct 26, 2016, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Longingforhome

When I'm feeling like this, I try to work out what it is I'm really wanting and whether there's some other way of getting it. Because even the texts/phone calls/comfort only goes so far, and it's never enough. It doesn't 'fix' anything in the long term. It just gives you a 'fix' for a period of time. So even though it feels like the solution, maybe it's just one possible solution? And if we can work out what the need is, we can find others, that come with less cost to us/others? I don't know, I really don't...just musing, really.

I know exactly what you mean about the "fix" and how it only lasts for so long. My marriage counselor was talking about this today. How he can reassure me about stuff with him (and he's OK doing that). But if what is really bothering me is stuff from my past (that's showing itself as transference), he can't fix that by reassuring me. I have to figure out how to fix that within myself, with guidance from him and T, support from H, etc.

itjustis · Oct 27, 2016, 02:07 AM

Thank you for all your responses. I guess I just really miss her in between sessions. It always happens when I have disclosed something huge or been working on something painful.
We terminate in 4 sessions so I think this may be why she's not replying, because I need to not contact her after we finish.

I'm doing something I'm really nervous of at the weekend and at last session i asked if I could text her to let her know how it goes and her reply was "yes, I'll need to know you are safe." So she does genuinely care but the boundaries are flexible for her benefit. I feel like not texting her to tell her I'm safe because she hasn't responded to me at all, and another part of me wants to do it to spite her!!

Oct 27, 2016, 02:18 AM

I'm the opposite. I don't feel 'entitled' so haven't ever pushed the boundaries.
Just the opposite side of the coin.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 27, 2016, 03:10 AM

Last week when I was really struggling, I felt like I over emailed my T. Of course, I respected her boundary of no emailing on weekends. And there really isn't a set boundary (yet) for how often I can email. But I still felt I went over the limit. Luckily, my T knew it was a really bad week and knew that I typically don't email that much.

You only have a few sessions left with your T. Now is not the time to be playing games ("to spite her"). Use your time wisely and cherish the time you have with her.

itjustis · Oct 27, 2016, 03:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Last week when I was really struggling, I felt like I over emailed my T. Of course, I respected her boundary of no emailing on weekends. And there really isn't a set boundary (yet) for how often I can email. But I still felt I went over the limit. Luckily, my T knew it was a really bad week and knew that I typically don't email that much.

You only have a few sessions left with your T. Now is not the time to be playing games ("to spite her"). Use your time wisely and cherish the time you have with her.

I wouldn't do that, I'm not like that. It just makes me feel that way, that's all.

runlola72 · Oct 27, 2016, 03:17 PM

I am a boundary pusher. It's depressing because I worry I will drive him away, but I cannot help myself. If I could curl myself at the base of his feet forever I would. I feel like I need way more than any human can give :/

Oct 27, 2016, 03:34 PM

When my t discloses something or when we have a deep session or heavy session it always triggers a longing and yearning for my t. I think it evokes the part of me that wants connection but is only given enough to tease me and then it is taken away again. I know my t cares but I feel like I need more from her at times and this is when I push her contact boundary by trying to cause a fight or by pushing her away. Thankfully, my t recognises this and will wait a day before replying and the next day she will text back that she is delighted to meet me at the contact boundary but perhaps we could work this out in session next week.
My other tshace all reacted to me when this happens, they have either terminated me or responded to my texts with an answer that triggered me and I end up leaving then.

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