[growlycat]

I had such a hard time two weeks ago in and after session that Kashi called to check in with me after asking if I thought it might help. It did.

I think he is a little baffled at why I had such s strong reaction to talking about my early years. (Abuse, really? Kind of obvious in my book)

So he asked what I thought of the idea of using a session to get on public transit and learn the area better without having to worry about driving (my phobia). It may be a ploy at trust building as our sessions have already been hard and intense. I do tend to isolate and be a homebody due to the driving phobia so there is some therapeutic merit to what he is offering.

He has been very generous with his time. Too generous? He seems to have good boundaries as he has said things like we can be friendly but we can't be friends. Got it. But this latest gesture seems highly friendly. It sounds like it would take more than fifty minutes to do this as he mentioned a possible destination of a museum of one kind or another.

This all seems so generous but part of me is bound to worry. It's what I do. He's closer in age to me than any t I've ever had and personality wise he is so much more like me or people I have been friends with than other t's in the past.

When is friendly too friendly? When is generous too generous? I really think his heart is in the right place I just don't want unintended negative consequences of whatever kind. Thoughts? Experiences?

[atisketatasket]

No. 3 always seemed to go above and beyond for me - rearranging her schedule for extra session time, lengthy emails, etc. I didn't actually even think it was friendly. She thought I needed it, and she provided what she could. Maybe he is doing the same? It's not like he's offering to chaffeur you about.

He's really doing exposure therapy, right? So I'm sure he's thought about the time issue, because most exposure stuff isn't 50 minutes long - I don't know how therapists charge for things like that, but he must have a system.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by growlycat

When is friendly too friendly? When is generous too generous?

I don't know, but this sounds like one of those things that's done for exposure therapy (or, at least, is not unusual).

I would be more concerned over his surprise that talking about history would be triggering. If it were me, I would have to ask him about it to get clear (in case I was reading something into it his response that was more about me than him).

But back to your question about what is too friendly and the consequences of that, I would tend to think that for someone who is more of the avoidant type (like what you've said about yourself), your distress is maybe more about someone getting close or trying to connect than it is about fear of something inappropriate going on.

That said, his friendliness might be going to fast for you, and worth a discussion over time as you monitor how this affects you, but to slow it down.

On the upside, he must like working with you.

[growlycat]

I think he does like me or at least I've made him laugh which I enjoy doing. Although I'm not here to entertain him I do find it gratifying. As I do with other people. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining about a good thing. Everything with him has been a lot at once

[ruh roh]

I don't see this as complaining at all. You're being careful and asking yourself good questions. I would have probably responded the same way if it were me.

eta: of course, my therapist would have no reason to suggest a bus ride. She did offer to go for a walk once (and I accepted), but it was because I was so triggered by construction workers outside her door that I said I had an overwhelming urge to go beat their heads against the wall.

My thoughts were to ask you if you've ever experienced someone who had a controlling personality, carried out through being 'giving' but that generosity is used instead as a means for control as well as to evade personal responsibility for abusive behavior or any shortcomings?

My mother was like that, so when someone offers to do something for me, it's always a trigger. It's actually not an uncommon personality trait in people who use generosity as in manipulative ways. As much as i hate the label, it's a sign of a narcissistic personality. So encountering someone who appears to be giving puts me on alert; it can be very unsettling.

One of my healthcare team members recently showed this sort of behavior. She was coordinating something for me (i never asked for it in the first place), which isn't the standard in healthcare, and when I had a concern about an unrelated issue about needing something the healthcare team should have done but didn't do, but was obvious after the fact, she threw it in my face "might i remind you that I am doing (coordinating) this on a voluntary basis".

I never could go back there as I've seen certain other red flags in her personality. The issue can be enhanced when you are at your most vulnerable (ie I can't write my own prescriptions).

In the majority of the cases, I think, the generosity is just benign. Which seems to be the case with Kashi. I totally understand that 'unsettling' feeling though.

[growlycat]

Skies that is pretty dang insightful. Yes, my dad. He wasn't and isn't generous emotionally or otherwise but whenever he did give anything he would remind me of it constantly , "remember that thing I did for you" etc
Wow a lot to ponder here

[unaluna]

Could he be shooting brainwaves at you? "...take the bus to the museum..." i think my poor t tries to drop hints like that to get them past the snapping turtle that keeps me inside too much. I did get outside friday