[here today]

Just to make it clear: I did not vote for the President-Elect, but the more I read and hear about why people may have voted for him the more I realize how betrayed and marginalized I feel because of my long trust and hope and ultimately disappointing experience with therapy.

OK, maybe I wasn’t very realistic about therapy and myself when I started therapy. Or restarted with new therapists when previous therapies didn’t work out.

But that’s what I came to therapy WITH. I had no better coping skills than what I came to therapy WITH and I didn’t fully know what I was trying to cope with, in terms of unconscious motivations, internal conflicts, dissociated trauma, etc.

I’m old and still don’t fit in to the larger society. Or any society, much. I got in touch with my sense of anger and betrayal toward my family through therapy but trying to discuss that with them just led to my losing them. OK, maybe they never really cared but I thought and felt that I cared about them. So losing them, to try to find and be myself, was not part of the “bargain” as I understood it. And losing them to be nothing and alone and all by myself definitely wasn’t part of what I understood when I entered therapy either.

Sounds like my relationship with therapy has been like my relationship with my family sort of, doesn’t it?

The challenge is, what to do next?

My parents and family “could have done better” but so definitely could the therapy “system” – of theories and practices and “professionals” (i.e, the “elites”).

My family members were and are just people, doing the best they can. The “therapy mystique” has it that therapists are trained and can be “better” than that. Not so, in my experience.

So, they took a lot of my money and time for me to finally understand that. Maybe that’s better/safer than me working that out with other “just people” in the world at large? Still, I feel betrayed. As I also feel betrayed by believing in my “family” and the pretense of their love.

Life really sucks sometimes.

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry you're feeling betrayed, here today.

[guilloche]

I'm sorry that you're hurting too today, Here Again.

The entire industry of therapy is so difficult. I'm struggling too. I just... don't get it. The closest thing that I can come up with is that being a good therapist requires you to really use your self as an instrument, much like a singer is their own instrument. Where a singer has to stay physical fit (avoid foods or situations that damage their vocal cords, get enough sleep and water before a performance, etc) - a therapist must be *emotionally* fit. It's their *emotional body* that is doing the work in the therapy (or, at least some of the work. For the sake of all of us, I hope that the job is shared by a decent brain!)

But, I don't think most therapists ARE as healthy as they need to be. And, the problem is - who's checking this? I don't think the screening is rigorous enough for this, and I think that this is really hard to determine as a client, especially a client that is coming for mental health treatment (meaning we're often not in the best emotional state ourselves). For the record, I'd guess that emotional health is something that most people have trouble self-assessing - we're too close to ourselves, and emotional stuff is *tricky*. We all develop good defenses to avoid seeing our emotional warts, so to speak.

But, as you've seen... as all of have seen... an emotionally unhealthy therapist is not really going to be helpful. I think that they may be able to help *some* people, maybe? Maybe people like a friend of mine - she went to therapy for help with anxiety, the therapist recommended a workbook, they worked through it together, and then... she was done! That was the whole thing. No messy attachment, no re-hashing childhood pain, no talk about boundaries and phone calls and emails. Something like that seems so cut-and-dried, I can see how a T can build a practice around that and survive just fine, without ever having to challenge their emotional self.

I think Ts need *brutal* honesty and ongoing work. My current-ex-T - one of the things I really respected and admired is that he does his own work. I don't know if he still does regular, ongoing therapy, but every couple years he goes to a therapy-retreat (for everyone, not just Ts, and nobody discusses their occupation - so nobody knows he's a T) - where he *processes* and grieves things going on in his own life.

He has been the absolute most emotionally stable T that I have ever seen, hands down. He (usually!) doesn't personalize things, doesn't get nuts over things, and can take a LOT of criticism. (He's great - except he doesn't really get me or see me, not sure what's going on there - which is why I'm looking for a new one).

I don't think most Ts do this. I don't think most of them actually "walk the walk". I don't know WHY. You'd think that if they believe in therapy and emotional health enough to dedicate their professional lives to it, they'd be willing to spend the time/money to continue working on their own issues, and to be aware of things like counter-transference. But, nope. It's nuts. It's like being an author who doesn't read, or an app designer without a smart phone.

>>I realize how betrayed and marginalized I feel because of my long trust and hope and ultimately disappointing experience with therapy.

*hugs* if it's OK... this makes me feel sad, and I relate to it too.

>>I’m old and still don’t fit in to the larger society. Or any society, much.

I struggle here too. I want to believe that it's a question of finding the right people, the right groups, places where you don't feel alien, where people share the same values and way of looking at the world. Or least where people recognize, value, and appreciate your way of looking at the world so that you feel like you have a place in the group.

I don't know though. It's hard.

>>I got in touch with my sense of anger and betrayal toward my family through therapy but trying to discuss that with them just led to my losing them.

Yikes... did your T encourage you to talk to them about this stuff? My impression from books was that it's usually pointless to talk about these things with family, because if your family was neglectful/abusive/etc - they're not likely to recognize that and you won't get the reaction that you want.

I'm sorry.

>>Sounds like my relationship with therapy has been like my relationship with my family sort of, doesn’t it?

Yeah, no doubt... and the therapists you've seen haven't been willing to reflect on that at all, I take it?

>>The challenge is, what to do next?

You have no idea how much I had a good answer to this. Really. I'm sort of trying to figure out the same thing. If therapy isn't the answer, then what is? We can't be totally powerless in this, what can we do to make our lives better, and to feel better, more joyous, more connected, and more sane?

>> Still, I feel betrayed. As I also feel betrayed by believing in my “family” and the pretense of their love.

*wishing that I could say something to help decrease the pain!*

>>Life really sucks sometimes.

1000% yes to this. It does. A lot! (Sorry, not exactly an upbeat ending!)

[itisnt]

QUOTE: . . . But, I don't think most therapists ARE as healthy as they need to be. And, the problem is - who's checking this? I don't think the screening is rigorous enough for this, and I think that this is really hard to determine as a client, especially a client that is coming for mental health treatment (meaning we're often not in the best emotional state ourselves). For the record, I'd guess that emotional health is something that most people have trouble self-assessing - we're too close to ourselves, and emotional stuff is *tricky*. We all develop good defenses to avoid seeing our emotional warts, so to speak.. . . QUOTE

I agree with this wholeheartedly! Kudos for expressing it so perfectly. I do believe that until Ts get themselves together in this department there are going to be continued failures in the area of poor quality of therapeutic care.

[guilloche]

You know... I was thinking. Don't they do psych evals for some jobs? Like, if you were going to be a pilot, or a spy?

I wonder why they don't do them for prospective therapists? I mean, they give them some sort of licensing test... would it be that hard to just add a psych eval by someone that they don't know (i.e. not a teacher at their school!).

Do you think that would improve things at all? I think it would have to be done really well... with seriousness, not as something that is just another hoop.

Just a thought...

Individuation is part of the package.
Sounds like you haven't really completed the work.

A suggestion. Go to your family. Try and 'fix' what toy feel you broke. See if the reasons you entered therapy don't come back up.

This is why there is resistance to therapy. It's having the courage to become who we are.

Maybe go back to therapy, continue the work

[here today]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Individuation is part of the package.
Sounds like you haven't really completed the work.

A suggestion. Go to your family. Try and 'fix' what toy feel you broke. See if the reasons you entered therapy don't come back up.

This is why there is resistance to therapy. It's having the courage to become who we are.

Maybe go back to therapy, continue the work

I think the problem is my family is broken.

And, so, the "therapy system" is broken, too. (transference but also true)

I can't be a part of my "family". I never was. (Ugh!)

[missbella]

I've led a square peg life, and my "family life" could never be constructed. The device of therapy only was damaging for me.

But therapy is by no means the only mean towards growth and improvement. I learned a great deal through the hard knocks of my career and creative work. The marketplace and colleagues gave me far more useful feedback than my therapist did. There's fitness, yoga, bodywork. There's making a home for myself, travels, friendships, hobbies, volunteer and civic work, finding and creating happiness.

My therapists' delusions and foolishness were hurtful, but understanding their follies helped me far more than therapy ever did.

Originally Posted by here today

I think the problem is my family is broken.

And, so, the "therapy system" is broken, too. (transference but also true)

I can't be a part of my "family". I never was. (Ugh!)

What do you mean the therapy sys is broke?

I really don't get what you're saying them. I read your post as blaming therapy for cutting you off from your family. Instead getting all melodramatic with me. Go look for the help. It's there. Who gives a ears arse about fitting in with society. Go find yourself. Your passions etc.

[here today]

I believe that the therapy system is broken. I have tried therapy off and on for more than 50 years, almost continuously for the last 19.

I went into therapy blaming myself for almost everything. Everything that went wrong, I would try to find the part of the problem that was "me" and fix that, as if that would fix the relationship and other things. Yes, that was the part I had some control over but the other people . . . I couldn't "see" them and their part of the issue and accept that and move on. Continuously trying to "fix" myself and go to therapists to help with that.

So -- that was a delusion? But, 50 years of "help" to find that out?

The therapy profession needs to be blamed for some of that but they have no interest in hearing it. I can hear about my flaws, faults, etc. -- they can't.

"Blaming" them for some of my less-than-contributing life is new for me and, I believe, realistic. I would be very glad to talk rationally with any of them about their mistakes and mine, but they aren't interested. It's really too late for me and my life, though I do have today and forward. But there's lots they could learn for other clients going forward.

They aren't interested. Just as my family wasn't interested.

I'm sorry if you don't like my melodrama. I give an ears arse about fitting in with society. I love (loved) my family. My passions are great but then I'm all by myself, lonely, except for my cats, who are also great. But not enough for what I need for joy in living. If you don't understand it, that's OK. Maybe you're different from me. I can accept you -- can you accept me?