[MtnTime2896]

I can't even attend my own damn therapy.
A month and a damn half now of straight of me just not going. I don't even know why. The therapist is actually someone I believe can help me more than **** me up even worse. That's saying something, considering I have a severe lack of trust with doctors. Nothing's really preventing me from attending except me.
I recognize that my fiance seems to have no problem with not taking me and it doesn't seem to bother him that I'm not going, but that doesn't make this his fault. I'm also neglecting to remind him, coming up with the option of "I can just go next week", or not waking him up in time for us to head to the appointment. It's my therapy and therefore my responsibility to get myself to the sessions. But I don't and I have no idea why I won't allow myself to get the help I know I need so bad right now. Hell, I really need help right now. I'm not doing good at all. Yet, I ducked out of my appointment I swore to myself I was going to yesterday. At this point, just so I'm not wasting his time and someone else who will actually get the help they need, I think I'm going to call and tell them I won't be returning.

When you are having a tough time; that can be the most scary time to talk about things. For me, when I didn't talk about hard things, I wasn't really getting any value other than having a friend. It is much cheaper to make friends on PC than to pay a T. There were some things that were hard to talk about (at least it seemed that way at the time). I would meditate (close my eyes and listen to my slow steady deep breathing) in the waiting room before those sessions in order to go into session hoping that I seemed relaxed and unfazed. Usually, I could sound quite unemotional about everything. Now that I am doing better, it would be a waste of money for me to go.
Looking back, I don't know if it was just coincidence that I started getting less depressed while I was talking about hard things with my T. My T said she used an ecletic approach (uses more than one technique). She did help me be more in tune with my emotions and what I am thinking when I get emotional. I've never liked writing that doesn't serve a purpose (to get things done at work, etc.). She helped me enjoy writing about my thoughts and experiences.
I don't know if any of my experiences help you because I think you have a lot more "PTSD" type of things to deal with than I did. You also have some issues that stem from things that happened to you in your childhood. I think PTSD and childhood issues are probably the toughest issues that Ts deal with. And I agree with you that Ts can cause harm when they deal with these issues badly.
Don't beat yourself up. Maybe you can go later (next year?). Just so long as you have gone to your other types of medical checkups. I think that therapy is a very inexact science.

[MtnTime2896]

Thank you Myst. I'm ashamed to say, I haven't gone to other medical at all, either.

!!!!!!!

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

!!!!!!!

I really don't know why, either. I just keep doing this. The moment it involves helping myself, it's just not worth moving past my psych issues.

Perhaps you're just not at that place yet.

I attended an AA meeting when I was 17. Yup my life was bad by that age. But I want ready ams continued drinking for another 25yrs before I ran for help. Although therapy was the help for me at that point.

[MtnTime2896]

....I think I really need some help....

[kecanoe]

Then why call and tell them you won't be back? Can you ask someone IRL to push you to go?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Then why call and tell them you won't be back? Can you ask someone IRL to push you to go?

No one in my real life, aside from my mom and fiance, knows I'm technically in therapy. My mom has her own issues and I don't want to ask my fiance to take care of me anymore.

Why would I not call? I know I'm not going to go. So, I'm just taking up a slot for no reason and wasting the doctor's time. It makes no sense for me to still be a client.

I know I need help. I really need some serious help, but I can't bring myself to actually get it. I can't push myself into doing what I know is best for me and I have no idea why I'm like this. I'm an adult, I should be able to take care of **** this easy, but I can't. And I'm too ashamed of that fact to bring anyone I know into this.

[Electric76]

Wait...soo you're not charged for no-shows? And you keep your time slot?

[Waterbear]

I agree that we have to be ready. The time and the life situation needs to be right for is to commit to it. Whatever you do I hope it is what is right for you, right now.