How do you internalize T's voice?

It has come to my attention recently that most people internalize the voices of people they love, so that when they aren't around (temporarily or permanently) their voice still guides them or comforts them. There are no internalized voices in my head, and I know one of the goals of therapy might be to internalize T's voice so I'm not so dependent on him, and eventually totally independent from him. But how does this happen? I have a terrible memory, so it's hard for me to remember specific things he tells me unless it's s phrase he repeats often. I have asked him to keep this in mind as my brain appreciates small sound bytes to latch onto. I bought a notebook to bring to sessions so I can jot down T-isms but I have yet to remember to use it.

Right now I think I am driving this poor man away because I'm so needy and seem to need contact very often. He has been patient, tells me not to apologize, and reminds me that he knows I have attachment damage. So he's not making me feel bad for needing him, but he ignores about half my emails. I feel a strong desire to need him less, and holding his voice in my head seems the best way.

What works for you, if you have been able to internalize your T's voice? Is it just a matter of time? Do you use their voice for comfort, guidance or both?

It took me a very very long time for this to happen. At first, I would just try to remember comforting things t may have said and repeat them in my head to remind myself I'm not really alone in all of this. Then it started to happen naturally. Past t's would say certain things alot and whenever I encountered a similar situation the thing t always said would pop into my head. It takes a lot of time and trust but I think it develops on its own. Writing down things t says is s good idea. Or if he is willing, to write you an encouraging note that you can open in an emergency or when you feel you need it.

It isn't something that I have consciously done, and it mostly happens when I am like "T, get out of my head!"

For an example, last week we were talking about how I can not know what someone is thinking about me unless they tell me or show me with their actions. Her exact phrase was "What other people's thoughts about me are none of my business."

I had troubles on my end with a friend this week. I interpreted rather small things as a BIG DEAL that she found me completely annoying and obnoxious. Then I would hear my T going "What other people's thoughts about me are none of my business." It happened quite a lot, as this has bothered me a lot in the past week.

So, for me...it isn't something that I necessarily invite, but certain phrases or thoughts she says sticks with me whether I like it or not. I am guessing it is because it rings true for me, even if I consciously deny it.

No - I don't. To me, that sounds horrible. The therapist is the last person I would want to internalize or hear.

My memory is atrocious. I wouldn't be able to remember anything.

Right after I go to therapy, I write down very detailed notes of therapy with exact phrasing as much as I can. Then during the week I pull out the notes and read exactly what he has said. Even after a couple years of this, I still have to pull out the notes, but when I read his exact phrasing, it's like I can hear him and it's really soothing for me. Internalizing his voice is a purposeful act for me. Hearing what he says during the week means that I am able to hold off contacting him to hear it again. It is seriously so crucial for me to hear things he has said, to be reminded that our relationship is stable, to know that he's on my team, to know that someone knows what's going on in my dark and confused mind, to know that he's consistent - it's all really important to me feeling like I can keep living, like I have enough stability to deal with the chaos of bipolar.

And specific things he's said about specific issues help when that issue comes back up. For instance, when my chemicals switch into an episode, I hear him saying, "This is in your life bucket. You can't change it," so I try to accept that I have bipolar and that no matter how hard I work, I can't change those chemicals. [And for those of you getting angry at that, this is something different about bipolar. It's not him saying give up. It's him saying don't agonize - you're already working as hard as you can, so pushing yourself to *just try harder* only causes unnecessary suffering.] Or when I'm struggling with my marriage, I hear him saying, "Wow, aren't you lucky to have him." Or when I'm hurting because people have unknowingly said invalidating things, maybe talking about their horrible 6 months of depression (compared to my several years), I hear him saying, "You can't compare suffering between people. That was all they could handle. It was horrible for them. Yes, yours has been much bigger, but to them theirs was really hard."

So yes, internalizing what he's said is HUGELY important for me, and I've internalized it by detailed notes with his exact phrasing (so I can hear him saying it) and reading it over and over.

It happens naturally over time.

This is why when I terminate with T, I want an encouraging letter from her. When I read it back to myself, I will be able to hear T say it in her own words.

The only phrase that has stuck with me is "Everything will be okay". I'm sad that she no longer says it to me (probably because she wants me to internalize it).

I just stopped seeing my therapist that I liked very much, two weeks ago today was our last appointment. The first few days after terminating (I did because I felt my therapy goals were met and there weren't more particularly important things to address in therapy at this time for me) I felt quite uneasy, a bit like some kind of withdrawal... but the "craving" quickly got diffuse and then pretty much disappeared by now. Part of the reason probably, when I think about it, is because I don't experience it as separation, everything the T and I did together is now within and quite comforting without having to continue seeing him. I also know that I can return anytime if I want to.

Your post made me think and examine this in myself... I do tend to internalize people who had a strong/good influence on me, including this T. But it's not so much about their voice. I was just trying to recall the sound of their voice and I don't think it's something that sticks in my mind. With the T, it's much more atmosphere of the sessions, the interpersonal connection, chemistry and interaction that gets ingrained in my mind, plus the actual content of what the T (and the other people who affected me strongly) said. So they are complex impressions and memories where it's not simply the other person as a separate being but our interface together. The other things I tend to recall vividly are especially insightful and meaningful observations or advice the T/people in general have made. Usually the people I internalize this way are also perceived by me as having lots of similarities to myself and this is a comforting feeling for me that very easily sticks in my mind. I guess because it generates a perception that I am not alone.

I was also thinking, where this way of internalizing people might come from and what immediately jumps out at me is the relationship I had with my father (now deceased). Without going into details, I had a great relationship with him and we had a lot in common... I think he continues and will probably continue to be an influence throughout my life. I must have internalized him very strongly because his effects on me come back in a myriad of contexts (I discussed many of these with my T). So I was wondering if it's useful to think about positive influences by significant people in your earlier life and how they affected you, how they got ingrained in your thoughts, feelings and perhaps actions. Might give some guidance as to how to approach it with a T if it does not come naturally. But I would emphasize the positive part to put the focus on.

I don't think I internalize people's voices so much as I learn from them and apply what I learn to my own life.

With my therapists, it has been a matter of having gone over and over and over what I needed to do so many times, having put it in practice so many times with their assistance, that I am now able to find my own internal voice to use those insights and skills on my own to guide me forward.

I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe because I just really, really wanted a different voice in my head besides the lifelong negative ones. I do the same thing MBM17 said, writing down detailed notes after my sessions, and I write notes while I'm there too of things I want to remember exactly how she said them, so when i read them back to myself later I hear them in her voice. Also, it probably doesn't hurt that I "talk" to her in my head too and since I've been seeing her for so long (5 years) I mostly know what she'd say so I hear her voice in those pretend "conversations". With a lot of practice I'm getting better at hearing my own internal voice too and letting it tell the negative voices to shut the heck up.

I have an extremely hard time with this. I will 'forget' the sound of my t's voice between sessions. I also have a difficult time 'holding' our connection between sessions...leading to a lot of between session contact just to check to see if she is still there. For me, it's a trauma/attachment thing.

My solution for now is to record sessions. I don't like hearing my own voice on the recordings (I do it on my phone), but it helps so much to hear T's voice, and the comforting things she says. Also, as I listen to the recordings, I realize that often I have missed bits of what she has said. It really helps me. I know it's not for everyone, but it helps me. Just a suggestion. Doogie

i come home and write down what my T says and what we did in the In Session Today thread.... but after ive written it down i just kinda forget everything...sometimes i go back to read what i wrote to remember and feel the connection. im not sure if ive internalized Ts voice, i do try to tell myself some things that he tells me. sometimes i feel if i am not with T he disappears completely, or i make up this awful, mean version of him in my mind.

I'm not sure how it happened, but her voice is usually the dominate one I hear in my head, sometimes we have fairly involved conversations. Not sure if that is a good or a bad thing

I began to internalize my T's voice quite quickly, without meaning to or planning it. Somehow, shortly after meeting my T, his face would pop up in my head whenever I had to deal with pissy people at work. He became a sort of model for active listening and empathizing with/ mollifying unhappy people.

That and I started to see his disapproving face when I drank, haha.

I think it's one of those things that happens naturally? You should ask your T about it. Sounds like an interesting conversation.

I don't actually hear my T's voice, just her words "pop up" in my head-but with my normal thinking voice.

I am going to ask him for an encouraging note! Thank you!

I think I need to do this. Thanks very much.

I think my issue is that I didn't have any positive influences/people I trusted early in life. My childhood was chaotic and hard. I had an employer who was like a dad to me and I think I was starting to internalize his voice. Then he abandoned me after some stuff happened and now I try not to think of him.

My internal voice will tell the negative thoughts to shut up, but the voice isn't comforting, it's harsh. ??

Yes this is exactly what happens to me. I have a session tomorrow and the mean version of him in my head is making me not want to go.

I have big attachment issues too. I can't hold onto my T's face or voice either. I can look at his picture but I can't hear his voice in my head..
I am afraid to ask if I can record. Is this a normal thing to do? Did your T offer, or did you ask?

It has happened for me over a long period of time--it started with me being willing to hear his point of view, and then liking it, and then wanting to take it as my own. I'm still not there yet. But for example, I recently did something I was ashamed of (but that was not dangerous or hurtful to myself or anyone else). And I could hear T's words from a similar situation I'd had years prior, telling me that if it didn't hurt me or anyone else, then it wasn't a bad or wrong thing to do. That felt like a relief. But when I was telling him about it, I still had to check to make sure he still felt that way. I still rely on his actual POV, but I think I am internalizing a lot better with repeated exposure.

I do this too, because I've the same issues. Being able to rehear exactly what was said, including voice tone really helps because otherwise my brain twists everything T says. Her words, her voice...everything becomes distorted. I begin to start thinking she's mocking me,that I'm disgusting, that I'm worthless, that she's judging me.

Er, it's not the voice tone you internalize. It's how we make use of what previous contact/conversations we've had with a T that we are able to then use to think through things. It's not a losing of our own voice. It's an adding to.

I think hearing the voice in your head can be helpful in remembering the message. It is for me, and as QuietMind suggested, it helps to keep the original message from being distorted. I also feel like right now, I need a voice stronger than my own negative voice, until my inner voices become more constructive.

I find the tone of your message condescending. "Er..." To me implies "you're a dumbass". For me it negated the rest of the post which may have had validity.