[granite1]

and i havnt even seen her yet . im not really sure what it is i want from her at all.i have not seen her in 3 weeks it will be a month next thursday. i seem to be really upset at her .i dont feel connected to her at all . i feel im getting something from her i need . she called me yesterday but i was out .she wanted to confirm that she will be seeing me next thursday. she said to call her back and let her know how im doing and to confirm my apt . she had called around noon .my normal apt is at 3. i pay her for missed appointments no matter what .so she was getting paid for yesterday even though i was not there . in fact she has been getting paid for all my missed appointments during my surgery and recovery. she had asked me to call her so i did .i actually called her close to our apt time . i ended up leaving a message letting her know i will see her next thursday .she didnt answer the phone . she has caller ID so knew it was me and also didnt call me back . i now i am probibly being completely unreasonable but i figure that if i am still paying her for the apt yesterday you would think she would at least answer the phone or call me back just to check in .i dont know why im so angry at this and also her calling last sat by mistake and couldnt get off the phone fast enough . im just uneasy about her right now .i hate this feeling . i hate being so unreasonable .it doesnt get her upset or affect her in any way at all .she doesnt care .im the one who is all upset . i dont even want to talk to her . i hate this . she doesnt seem real to me at all at this point . she had asked me to call her when i could after my surgery to let her know how i was doing .so i did and once again left a message . no call back. i thought that call on sat might have been her calling me back but nope it was her calling another client back. but it proved she knew i called and got the message and didnt care to call me back . i guess im the biggest idiot in the world to think if she asked me to call she might want to talk to me . im tired and hurt by her asking me to call and then her not responding .i know it is me and she is human and im just her job etc but she is still getting paid for me not being there . all i want is if she really doesnt want any contact at all other then scheduled sessions stop asking me to call her and stop calling and leaving messages

[atisketatasket]

I'm confused. How does she get paid when you canceled the appointments well in advance? That doesn't seem right.

I'm so sorry granite. this sounds so painful for you on top of the surgery. I think if it were me I would be upset about having to pay for missed appointments when you were having surgery and in recovery, I mean I can understand paying when you cancel at the last minute but when it's planned in advance? I don't understand that at all at all. I'm sorry it's like this with your t. You have done such good work with her in the past, and you've been so brave and strong working through stuff.... any way you can write this in a letter to her, how you feel? And asking her these questions, like why she asked you to call and then didn't respond, stuff like that. And give her the letter at your next session. I hope so much that you start feeling better soon, granite. I'm rooting for you over here.

[granite1]

i swear my T follows me on this forum . she just called me to see how i am doing and to say she got my call but that i didnt tell her how i was doing . i told her i was doing ok .it just made me feel a little better because of a 5 min conversation . i dont get it .but i am glad she called

[granite1]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I'm confused. How does she get paid when you canceled the appointments well in advance? That doesn't seem right.

a lot of T around here if you see them privately get paid no matter unless it is them who cancel . that doesnt upset me to me it seems standard . it was mostly the no responce even when she calls me or asks me to call her . i did feel she could answer the call if she was still getting paid for the time

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by granite1

a lot of T around here if you see them privately get paid no matter unless it is them who cancel . that doesnt upset me to me it seems standard . it was mostly the no responce even when she calls me or asks me to call her . i did feel she could answer the call if she was still getting paid for the time

I feel like she could offer you phone sessions if she's being paid already. Sounds like you could use them.

I would encourage you to withhold mindreading what your therapist is thinking or how she values you until you actually speak to her about this and hear her words. The tendency to insert your interpretation of her feelings toward you has never proven to be very accurate and just tends to escalate into negative feelings about yourself that kind of spin out of control. Call and specifically ask for a call back if that is what you need. If you didn't specifically ask for a call back, perhaps she is just assuming you didn't need one or she didn't want to disturb you if you were resting. No way to really know until you actually speak to her.

Let her know her not calling you back was hurtful, but allow her to tell you her own feelings rather than trying to guess or interpret what her feelings are.

[rainbow8]

Hi granite. First, I am glad your surgery is over! I feel bad that I forgot when you were having it, and I don't read the Couch much, where you may have posted about it. Having had surgery myself a couple of months ago, i know how it can drain you, so please take it easy as you recover.

I also don't understand why you have to pay for sessions you cancel ahead of time. Every doctor and T I've heard of may have a 24 hour cancellation policy, but never anything like your T's rules. It is awfully unfair!

I agree with lola about your reasoning when your T doesn't seem to care. It's never the way you imagine it. She's always shown that she cares about you! It's hard to have long breaks from therapy but I'm sure you will be able to get back into the amazing work you've been doing with your T. I've "known" you for a long time now and your progress is tangible. I hope you can come to trust that your T truly does care and wants the best for you.

[Erebos]

@lolgrace you make a lot of sense and saved me some typing, Thankyou!

Granite hope ou are recovering well, sorry it sounds such un uphill struggle, I know it can be hard to see straight after surgery. It's ok to hurt, and make sure you are honest with her and yourself. All the best with your recovery.

[growlycat]

It bothers me when I read about t's on this forum who charge even though there isn't an appointment. It seems u ethical to me. I could understand if you cancelled less than 24 hours but charging no matter what is so rude.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It bothers me when I read about t's on this forum who charge even though there isn't an appointment. It seems u ethical to me. I could understand if you cancelled less than 24 hours but charging no matter what is so rude.

I agree. And if they fill the appointment slot they make double? It seems unethical, especially in advance and especially considering how expensive therapy is. No one can be expected to be available every Wednesday for the whole year. What happens if she misses an appointment/goes on vacation? Does she have consequences? This annoys me. Unfair.

[velcro003]

That is crazy! I had never heard of that. So you've been paying your T this entire time you've been out? Do you pay monthly or something? That is not right.

I am glad she called you back, and i do agree that you do a lot of mind reading with your T. She accidentally called you last weekend, but I have a feeling she wasn't in a mad rush to get off the phone-didn't she ask how you were doing? She probably was just a little thrown off, it happens. She called you unbidden yesterday to see how you were! And to confirm your appt next week. I am unclear how you get the message that she doesn't want to see you?

I'm sorry, but how is it supportive to granite to criticise her T about something that she, granite, has already said that she doesn't mind? I'm all for supporting people who have problems with their Ts, but I don't think it's particularly helpful to disagree with what people say about their own therapists. If a T makes their rules clear to the client and then sticks to those rules, it is the exact opposite of being unfair, to my mind.

I know that this may be my own issues talking, because I have been very hurt by people making unsubstantiated attacks on my T based on what they (people here) think rather than on what I say. That is my problem, nobody else's. But maybe it's still a better idea to focus on what granite actually does have a problem with, in her thread?

[velcro003]

I wasn't attacking Granite's T-I am quite supportive of her T, actually. I was just providing my opinion/also seeking clarity on how her pay works w her T. I, myself, had never heard of that type of pay situation with a T.

Sorry if it seemed that way.

��

[stopdog]

I would not hire a therapist who worked like that and I think it an arrogant way of doing things, but if a client is willing to do it and knows there are alternatives to such an arrangement, then I assume the client competent to deal with situation that they chose.

I'm sorry if i was criticizing your t granite... My intention was only to support you because i thought you were upset at having to pay but her not getting back to you. I am sorry.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Crocus

I'm sorry, but how is it supportive to granite to criticise her T about something that she, granite, has already said that she doesn't mind? I'm all for supporting people who have problems with their Ts, but I don't think it's particularly helpful to disagree with what people say about their own therapists. If a T makes their rules clear to the client and then sticks to those rules, it is the exact opposite of being unfair, to my mind.

I know that this may be my own issues talking, because I have been very hurt by people making unsubstantiated attacks on my T based on what they (people here) think rather than on what I say. That is my problem, nobody else's. But maybe it's still a better idea to focus on what granite actually does have a problem with, in her thread?

Fair enough. Clearly something in her T's policy set me off. But you're right, not the point of the thread. Granite, I'm glad your T finally called you back. That would have bugged me as well.

[Luce]

Hey Granite, I don't know if you experience this the same as I used to, but whenever I had a break from seeing my T, for whatever reason, I had this protective (but unconscious) reaction of emotionally distancing from her. It would happen every single time... I'd feel like I didn't know her, didn't want or need her, and that she felt the same towards me. It was usually quite intense, and it was always hard to return to therapy and reconnect with her again. For me it is a self protective thing - I couldn't see her, so I stopped wanting to (but without having control or awareness over it).
I was wondering from your post if this might be a part of what is going on for you. Does it feel like something like that might be contributing to how you're feeling ab out your T right now?

[granite1]

i pay my T monthly and i really dont mind paying her even if im not coming to the appointment .it keeps things clear and uncomplicated. if im angry or whatever and not want to go i just dont and it is not a problem for her or i money wise . i know i do a lot of therapist mind reading .i try to work on that it helps when things are pointed out straight to me like my T did call on her own last week on wednsday and she called me yesterday and she called me this morning . i dont know what i want from her .i really dont . i am feeling better about it sense this morning and her calling and me being able to talk to her .maybe that was it i just wanted to tal to her to know we are still on for next thursday and she is there . i would always be to scared to share these feelings with her or ask for a call back or anything like that .im terrified of her thinking i am too needy and a bother and end up sending me to the curb . i have probably only asked for a call back maybe 4 or 5 times in the 5 years i have been seeing her .i never talk to her about these issues about the therapeutic relationship ,or i have never asked her if she cares about me or anything like that . she has asked me if i want to and i adamantly refuse. i cant see a point and in the past this has only complicated things . but i do have these feelings and it helps to come here and express them and to get a better perspective on my thinking

[granite1]

i dont have a problem with anyone sharing there opinion with me . around here the payment situation isnt that strange to me ,but it is ok if it is for other people . sometimes i find it strange how sometimes people want there t to e mail answer text and stuff on there own time and not be paid .but if the T allows it then i dont see a problem with it . for me sometimes no contact is best even if i would want it as can clearly be seen here in this situation

[Elio]

Hi Granite, I too was thrown by the pay regardless concept, but I get your point and can completely understand how that arrangement would allow for more flexibility in regards to your immediate feelings. A suggestion might be to see if she'd be open receiving phone calls where she would pick up during that hour if you somehow changed your mind and still wanted to talk but it was too late to actually physically get there.

You also make the point about the out of session contacts. I have heard of some counselors charging for out of session contacts. Mine does not. I think for many of us, that might be a slight conflict of treatment since one possible issue we might be dealing with is actually asking for what we want or feel we need. Adding a layer of financial impact might make it seem punitive.

As you stated... I too have the feeling that I will appear too needy and she will drop me so I'm always very aware of my between sessions contacts or extra requests of her.

I had surgery about 4 months ago and I had thought about having my t check in with me while in post op (I see her at a medical school) but I didn't ask. Afterwards, she told me that she had thought about asking if I wanted her to check on me but didn't because of not knowing if it would help or not and I hadn't made an indication one way or another. I ended up having a melt down in postop and wanted/asked to talk to her but she was not on call and felt that I shouldn't bother her at "home". She told me that I could have paged her anyway.

Mine does care about me, and it sounds like yours cares about you. Allowing them to show us they care might be one of the biggest things we risk because we've experienced too often those that should have cared, not caring. (my opinion here).

Understanding and internalizing that I matter.. I matter to myself and I do matter to others is one of the big lessons I have to learn. How can I learn that if I don't take the chance to let some one else show me and how can they show me if I don't let them know what I need from them? (It is easy for me to talk the talk... I'm not to walking the walk yet, to risky most the time)

-E

[growlycat]

Granite I just wanted to say I mean you all the support in the world. I didn't mean to derail the topic so I am sorry for that. Your t does seem to care very much though. I understand it can be hard to hear sometimes

[granite1]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Granite I just wanted to say I mean you all the support in the world. I didn't mean to derail the topic so I am sorry for that. Your t does seem to care very much though. I understand it can be hard to hear sometimes

i know you support me bunches growley . what you said was just fine .

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

i pay my T monthly and i really dont mind paying her even if im not coming to the appointment .it keeps things clear and uncomplicated. if im angry or whatever and not want to go i just dont and it is not a problem for her or i money wise . i know i do a lot of therapist mind reading .i try to work on that it helps when things are pointed out straight to me like my T did call on her own last week on wednsday and she called me yesterday and she called me this morning . i dont know what i want from her .i really dont . i am feeling better about it sense this morning and her calling and me being able to talk to her .maybe that was it i just wanted to tal to her to know we are still on for next thursday and she is there . i would always be to scared to share these feelings with her or ask for a call back or anything like that .im terrified of her thinking i am too needy and a bother and end up sending me to the curb . i have probably only asked for a call back maybe 4 or 5 times in the 5 years i have been seeing her .i never talk to her about these issues about the therapeutic relationship ,or i have never asked her if she cares about me or anything like that . she has asked me if i want to and i adamantly refuse. i cant see a point and in the past this has only complicated things . but i do have these feelings and it helps to come here and express them and to get a better perspective on my thinking

Aww Granite! I am glad you are feeling better.

Keep posting