[annielovesbacon]

My T and my pdoc always ask me "How are you?" either as we are walking from the waiting room into the office, or first thing as soon as we sit down in the office. I always reply, "I'm fine, how are you?"
But they always seem confused when I say that. Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they answer and say, thank you for asking, in a confused or surprised tone. Like am I not supposed to reply in that way? Am I supposed to just sit down and immediately jump into everything I've been feeling for the past however many weeks? Lol I need a warm up! I can't just launch into my feelings like that!
Is that weird or am I not the only one?

[MobiusPsyche]

I used to start by asking how she was but my T said that I don't need to observe social niceties with her. The session is all about me and my needs and I don't have to worry about her needs, wants, desires, etc. So I stopped asking.

I do wish her a good week or weekend or whatever as I'm leaving, and if she's been away I'll say that I hope she had a good trip or a good break. But I don't ask her how her break went. It's a good middle ground for me.

[Argonautomobile]

Yes, I do. It's fairly pointless, because it's not like he'll ever say anything except "Good, thanks." But one does like to take half a second to observe the social niceties.

[stopdog]

I do not - what difference does it make to me?

[growlycat]

If Kashi seems unwell I tend to ask f he is feeling ok. He said that most patients don't ask and those that do don't ask much deeper than that. I think I tend to ask because growing up I felt like I had to worry about my mom's well being so it has become second nature for me.

[ABC1357]

No, I just get too anxious as soon as I see my t

[kecanoe]

T2 and T3, definitely not. T1 I don't ask how he is doing, but I do sometimes make small talk if he's been gone or I know he spent time with grandkids or something like that. He tells me a fair amount about his personal schedule.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do not - what difference does it make to me?

Haha, I suppose if you don't care how your T is then it wouldn't make sense to ask! I do actually care about how my T is but I think she thinks I'm just being polite. I guess some of it is social niceties ingrained in me but I really do care.

[Elio]

Me and my t went around and around about this several months ago as part of a frustration around our opening. So I used to ask, then I didn't and now I do most sessions. I felt something was missing when I didn't ask - like a part of who I am was missing and something was missing in our relationship. I don't go any further than "how are you doing.. or how was your weekend" type of question.

She is always good... when we were going around about it we talked about how would I feel if she said she wasn't good and how she wouldn't want to make the session about her. I laughed at her because as I was listening to her, I was thinking how can I ask her how she is doing without putting her in the spot to have to lie to me in the event things were not going well for her. We talked about me not wanting her to lie to me about it, that I really did want to know how she was doing. And yes, if she wasn't doing well, I would wish there was something I could do to help.

I'm not sure she is always honest with me around this. I guess I'll find out if one day she says something like she's tired, or feeling swamped because of this.. or excited .. or something other than good. If she is always good then I will probably doubt that I am getting the truth from her on this. And maybe one day I'll ask her.

Our session after she had a cancelation, I'm not sure exactly how she answered the question, maybe she was ok rather than good. It seemed like she wasn't good; most the other times, her good does seem genuine.

I have also talked to her about knowing it is not my responsibility to take care of her nor let my perceptions or knowledge of how things are going with her to dictate where things go in a session. And I think for the most, I've followed this line of thought.

Usually I don't, but once I really wanted to ask her how she was as she had returned from a vacation.

So I asked her in this garbled, anxious rush "How are you? I don't know why I just said that! I'm so stupid! I want to know how you are but maybe I'm not allowed to ask?"

And she told me to take a few deep breaths and asked me "Why do you want to ask?

I said "because you're back from your vacation and I want to know how you're doing"

She said lightheartedly "Okay, how's that stupid? Try asking again?" and so I did.

[junkDNA]

i ask my T sometimes..not every time. he answers me honestly... its not a forced 'fine' or 'good' answer. or ill ask him how his trip was, if hes gone somewhere,... or if something went well that he told me about, like his dissertation. my T is pretty genuine... but it also doesnt make the session about him... we dont dwell on his answers, even if he does say he is stressed or something. it does let me peek into his mind a little bit... maybe i do it as a way to understand... if something feels off... or i know hes tired... maybe its a way for me to excuse him...i dont know

[Lauliza]

I always ask just out of social niceties, to me it feels weird if I don't. I don't expect a T to give an answer behind "good" or "fine, thanks". I think some Ts go overboard when clients ask questions like this. It's usually just a matter of being cordial.

[1stepatatime]

I always say " how are you?" I don't expect a detailed response, she usually answers with " I'm good or I'm okay". It would feel weird not to ask.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't usually ask. I did one time and she took a few seconds to think about it and said she was okay, but was in pain. It was nice of her to answer honestly.

[Waterbear]

Sometimes I ask but usually when I am struggling. She asks how I am, I say I am OK and then ask how she is. She says she is OK. It is all rather pointless, I can see that, but it kind of helps just getting words out.

My T also has seemed surprised the tines that I have asked. As if people don't normally ask. I don't really care what people normally do though because I am fully aware that I am not normal and I actually have no desire to be normal in my therapy. I want to be me and do what me wants to do.

[CharlieStarDust]

I do-part politeness and part that I care. Like everyone else's replies - she says good or OK. Sometimes she'll cop to being tired.

[Out There]

Sometimes. I did used to say it to regular T as a social nicety but he always said he was OK of course so I stopped. EMDR T is more transparent and recently cancelled a session due to illness so I asked him if he was OK when he came back and he told me. They both make the session about me still.

No. Because to do that I'd have to be there in the moment, and when I arrive for session I sit silent, waiting for myself to arrive into the theraputic space.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

No. Because to do that I'd have to be there in the moment, and when I arrive for session I sit silent, waiting for myself to arrive into the theraputic space.

I think I'm a bit the same. Sometimes (like last session) my brain never arrives to the therapeutic space and I can hardly understand what T is saying let alone ask her anything.

No. My first T had a weird style: he would greet me and sometimes have a little small talk with me before I sat down but would not say anything after, just stared at me and let me start whatever. Second T behaved more naturally and often asked how I was doing unless we jumped into something even before sitting down. I did not ask back but answered his question directly getting into the topic that I wanted to discuss. I thought myself that I would not want to waste time with unnecessary small talk in therapy. I never had problems feeling present, starting or holding the conversation in my therapy sessions so there weren't awkwardness or silences. But I did find the first T's style of silently staring a bit weird and unnatural.

[LonesomeTonight]

With my T, not really. Though, after Thanksgiving break, I did ask her toward the end of the session if she had a good Thanksgiving. So I do ask her stuff like that sometimes.

With my marriage counselor, he'll shake each of our hands in the hall before the appointment and say, "How are you?" I generally say something like, "Doing OK, you?" and he'll often respond, like with "Good, thanks," though sometimes he doesn't, mostly because he's then greeting H. I think I might be more likely to ask him because he greets us before we're in his office, so it's like it's outside the therapeutic space. While T asks how I am once I've already sat in the chair in her office, it's more part of therapy.

Also, if MC has had to cancel/reschedule (which he does fairly often, in part due to his wife's health condition), I often say something like, "I hope everything's OK." And he'll generally say something like, "Thanks, that's very kind of you." Though in an e-mail, he did one time say, in response to that question, "Things are OK."

I don't ask. I quite like the fact that with therapy quite a few of the usual social
Niceties can be ignored including: eye contact (I can look at her as long as I like, it would be rude usually), I can be emotional, or talk about usually taboo subjects. I think beginning with 'how are you's' come into that category for me. I'm not all that interested in how she is, she's at work, so I know she is ok, and I therefore expect her to be the same as she always is. I do want her to be personally involved with me, though, and to speak her thoughts out loud when we are together, and her feelings too.

Maybe I also wouldn't ask as I expect that she wouldn't answer, and I would feel rejected by that, and I also don't want to tread close to her boundaries.

[skeksi]

I always ask and he always says, "I'm good." He used to then say, "How are you?" but stopped, probably because I always said, "I'm fine," even when I wasn't. Now he sits quietly waiting for me to start talking about how I really am.

I ask, but I really don't want to know how he is--I need him to be OK all the time. If he said he was having a hard day or something, it would affect my therapy.

[ruh roh]

No, but she doesn't ask me, either.

I have asked about her dog a couple times, and she was forthcoming. With other personal things, she just doesn't seem to want to share, so I don't ask.

[velcro003]

No, I generally do not. Part of it is because I usually hate small talk, and the "hi, how are you?" Questions I get when I come to work, I generally ignore. I am not a morning person, and everyone generally knows if they get a grunt out of me, that is pretty good.

Another part is that I am usually a bit anxious for therapy, and while Indo care for her well-being and like her very much in fact, I have zero desire to engage in meaningless small talk. That being said, I don't jump into the big topics. She usually asks how my week was, did anything new or unusual happen, and we go from there.