[tennisteam]

It's been two weeks since I finally went no contact. I saw him for over five years and was deeply enmeshed. I've realized it was narcissistic abuse and was doomed from day one. I've been trying to leave for well over three years but kept getting pulled back in. It's no surprise that he was the first person I've ever bonded with, because I'm incapable of bonding with healthy people. i found a new T and we are getting along well. But I'm having a hard time breaking my addiction to former T and I'm trying so hard not to contact him right now. This is just pain and sadness, and I'm no longer accepting less than I deserve just to avoid those feelings. I thought posting here might help me avoid the urge to make the misery go away by going back into what will no doubt quickly turn back into h-e- double hockey sticks ..I went quiet for a long time but I remember that posting here helps. I miss the drama of him. My new T seems healthy and that's no fun. Sigh.

[Out There]

All that drama is unhealthy - but often it's all we're used to and all we know. And it's difficult to walk away from it and say we deserve better. But of course we deserve better. It's a big step. Do keep posting - it helps !

i am so sorry youre going through this. i thi you are being very very brave

[growlycat]

Just wanted to show support. Attachment feelings even those to the unworthy are hard to break

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by Out There

All that drama is unhealthy - but often it's all we're used to and all we know. And it's difficult to walk away from it and say we deserve better. But of course we deserve better. It's a big step. Do keep posting - it helps !

Thank you, I will. I really appreciate the support.

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Just wanted to show support. Attachment feelings even those to the unworthy are hard to break

That is so very true. Thank you.

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

i am so sorry youre going through this. i thi you are being very very brave

That means a lot to hear. Yes, I am being very brave and it's nice to know someone sees it.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from an unhealthy T relationship. I went through the same thing exactly 2 years ago. I had a lot of trouble bonding with my new T as he's so well boundaried and free from drama. It felt alien and weird. 2 years on I am still with him and I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. I don't miss the anxiety, drama, confusion and pain any more.
Well done on making such a difficult decision and keep posting if it is helping (I don't know how I would have coped without PC 2 years ago.)

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from an unhealthy T relationship. I went through the same thing exactly 2 years ago. I had a lot of trouble bonding with my new T as he's so well boundaried and free from drama. It felt alien and weird. 2 years on I am still with him and I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. I don't miss the anxiety, drama, confusion and pain any more.
Well done on making such a difficult decision and keep posting if it is helping (I don't know how I would have coped without PC 2 years ago.)

That gives me hope. I miss him so much right now and am having trouble bonding with new T. It all makes sense though and I'm trying to be patient.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job being patient with yourself, and the things you are feeling are totally normal.
For me new T felt like a step dad I didn't want, because all I wanted was my 'real dad' (T1) back. It took at least six months for an attachment to start to develop, and it coincided with my starting to let T1 go. That happened only when I was ready. Now I am as attached to my current T as I ever was to T1, probably more. But it feels so much healthier and more secure.
Hang in there, you have done such a positive thing for yourself.

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

For me new T felt like a step dad I didn't want, because all I wanted was my 'real dad' (T1) back.

THIS exactly! It feels like he's a step dad but not the real thing! I read some of your past posts....how was it going from someone with loose boundaries to someone with more healthy boundaries? I'm at the point where intellectually I know the healthy boundaries are better for me, so I don't mind them, but they are annoying. I don't think it's possible for new T to go really deep with me, but maybe that is the error my childhood left me with- that sense that real relationships are chaotic, and ones that are not are just filing time. New T will never send me love songs or pictures of the sunrise outside his window. I know in the long run that's better for me, but that rush when old T pushed the boundaries...I want it back so badly. But the lows just aren't worth it any more.

Originally Posted by tennisteam

THIS exactly! It feels like he's a step dad but not the real thing! I read some of your past posts....how was it going from someone with loose boundaries to someone with more healthy boundaries? I'm at the point where intellectually I know the healthy boundaries are better for me, so I don't mind them, but they are annoying. I don't think it's possible for new T to go really deep with me, but maybe that is the error my childhood left me with- that sense that real relationships are chaotic, and ones that are not are just filing time. New T will never send me love songs or pictures of the sunrise outside his window. I know in the long run that's better for me, but that rush when old T pushed the boundaries...I want it back so badly. But the lows just aren't worth it any more.

At first I thought my new T was cold and uncaring; but now I realise he just didn't make it all about his feelings. I was like you, I realised it was healthier, but I missed the way things used to be with T1. And yes, that was because due to my childhood I felt drama = caring.
current T's boundaries are not cold, but in fact he cares so much that he works hard to make sure they are consistent. After a lot of talking and over a year of working together we introduced touch (which T1 had refused) so in a sense current T lets me closer, however we always keep a dialogue about the therapeutic value of what we're doing. It's never about meeting T's needs.
T has shown me that we can have appropriate closeness without the lows that come with inconsistency and the therapist using the client to get his needs met.
It sounds like that's what your ex T did, and mine too. That's just not fair on the client.

[Out There]

You have done a very brave thing. From my childhood too , Drama / histrionics / twistedness = Love and caring ( I did it because I care about you ). My current T's are showing me what this really looks like.

[Tangerine87]

What was wrong with T1? What did he do?

[tennisteam]

It is incredibly exciting to me to know that it's possible to have a safe, secure relationship without the highs and lows of the inconsistencies!

[tennisteam]

Originally Posted by Tangerine87

What was wrong with T1? What did he do?

Oh my where to start...constantly cancelling, being late, disappearing for weeks, blaming me for not letting him be human when I went to pieces over his absences (I would become irate, and he told me it made him feel worthless, and he would get mad saying he has devoted years of his life to me and can't believe I would treat him like this) his bogus excuses, then when he was going to lose me showering me with attention and loving texts,pictures, songs...lather rinse repeat year after year. He would get mad if I didn't fall in line with his existentialist bs, and told me he would recommend I read Nietzsche but it would be too difficult for me to understand...oh threatening to hospitalize me every time I wanted to leave. I was desperately codependent and taking care of his needs big time. I was absolutely addicted to him, and i used to be suicidal, but I decided I had to save my life for my family. I should report him, but right now I'm focusing on getting away and being well.