[rainbow8]

This is part of what I emailed T after my session yesterday: I cried all the way home. I know it's me.You tried to do your job and I screwed up. I couldn't help it. After I read my journal and you asked how was my week, I felt frozen, shut down, knocked over by a bulldozer. I couldn't find words for how I felt.

Doesn't this have to do with attachment? The pain of being separate from you? I felt like I was tossed aside, thrown out with the trash. You're right about quicksand. Sinking down but you can't save me. I have to save myself!!!!!! I know the pain will pass. I will read more of the mindfulness book. It's not really about you. It's about wanting someone in my life 100 per cent.

I feel like you're angry with me. I'm not sure if I'm angry with you.

Love from the little parts

Today she sent this:

I'm not angry with you...In a way it's good that happened in the session (even though I know it was very hard) ...You saw that you can get triggered and it will pass and yes!!!!! You are the one that will save you. You can feel the hurt and move through it. We will keep working with that quicksand feeling and all the attachment stuff that comes up. I'm happy that as the day went on you felt the crappy feeling but made your way through it. That is progress! I hope today is a better day.

She added what she said was one of her favorite poems, The Journey by Mary Oliver. This is too long already to post it. If anyone's interested, you can google it. T thinks it speaks to the notion of self.

So, T is more focused on my realizing that only I can pull myself out of the quicksand, that no matter how triggered, it will pass. I can feel crappy but go on.

So maybe it was productive to have such a session. I don't think she thinks she did anything wrong, and I don't know whether I should just let it go. Maybe I'll ask if this happens again, could she be less abrupt. I don't think I want to bring up her bf again. My T is so happy when I make progress. I don't want to disappoint her and that's kind of motivating. I know it's for me but she's my cheerleader!

[kecanoe]

I think it is perfectly fine to ask for slower transitions if you think that will be helpful. T1 knows now when he has moved too fast for me because I give him "that look". He laughs at himself and slows down. I find it really helpful to go slow when I am struggling.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

.

So maybe it was productive to have such a session. I don't think she thinks she did anything wrong, and I don't know whether I should just let it go. Maybe I'll ask if this happens again, could she be less abrupt. I don't think I want to bring up her bf again. My T is so happy when I make progress. I don't want to disappoint her and that's kind of motivating. I know it's for me but she's my cheerleader!

I think it bothered you a lot, and if you still feel rather strongly about it when you see her next time, you should bring it up. Maybe you wrote more in detail in the email you sent, but really you shifted all the blame on you, so really she might not know exactly why you are so upset, if that makes sense. I do that to avoid any sort of confrontation.

For example: I may feel hurt that a friend didn't invite me to some sort of gathering. Instead of deciding to let it go because it isn't a big deal (and sometimes I DO blow things way out of proporiton), or asking my friend directly why I wasn't invited, I will turn all of my hurt and anger on myself. I will tell myself that it is stupid to be expected to be invited to things, that this friend has many other closer friends and is married...i am just an accessory in her life...etc.

What ends up happening when I keep doing this over and over, is I become a walking bomb waiting to explode. Every perceived slight by her, I convince myself that it is another reason why I don't matter. This is all true by the way. This went on for weeks and weeks, and I just couldn't handle the anxiety any longer. I confronted her the best I could (by text, and not stating out right how i felt at first), and told her I thought she was done dealing with a 'crazy person,' and that I annoyed her constantly, and have been trying to keep my mouth shut when around her so I don't annoy her more.

She admitted that what bugs her is me feeding into that negative loop and not letting it go despite her constantly saying that I am not annoying and she likes me as a friend. It was a bit anxiety producing this conversation, but really, it was filled with overwhelming relief. I KNEW something was off, and I promised to really try hard moving forward to take her at her word.

That was a couple weeks ago, and the lack of constant anxiety surrounding our friendship is a huge relief. I didn't even realize how much turmoil I was really in until it ended.

WHOA--sorry for the novel What I am trying to say is if you are hurt by what your T said or did (the abruptness), it might help to tell her directly and not go right into blaming yourself (which is hard to do, BELIEVE ME!).