How do you express your feelings about your t to your t?

I guess my t has to know I like her. She tells me she likes me but I have never said I liked her. I never said I hated her either, I proclaim indifference and I do that when someone matters. It hurts so much because I want to tell them how much they mean but the words won't come out. I always end up pushing ts away or accusing them of something until they terminate. I have ghosted a few and not given them a chance to explain. I can feel the same situation happening again with my t. I didn't cancel my next session but I am strongly feeling that I should just not show up and ignore her calls. I have never not shown up for therapy with her but I have done this with my other ts. I would appreciate any feedback. I realise I can be quite defensive around my t and I am in the process of dropping that. I want to tell her I am so mad at her, I want to tell her not to be so mean to me.
I am interested in hearing any advice on how others dealt with these strong feelings?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Mona. What advice do you think you'd give someone in a similar situation? Is it possible to write T a letter and hand it over? Or say "there's something I'd like to say but it's hard for me" and start from there?

I don't know. I'm not sure there's any kind of secret with these things beyond just forcing yourself to do it.

Most of the time I'm pretty direct with my T because I can be and because it irritates me when he *****-foots. 20 minute sessions probably have something to do with it. But then I've never had anything particularly distressing to say about him to him.

Good luck.

I started testing the waters with things like 'sometimes I have strong feelings towards you', 'I am fond of you' and it was always met with acceptance by him which allowed me to move onto saying "sometimes part of me thinks 'I love him'" which my T called 'saying it in parentheses'. As my feelings have always been accepted in therapy with him, I have recently been able to talk openly about the love I feel towards him. Every time I have said it more directly than the last, and every time has been scary, but I know I will be accepted so my fear is getting less and less.
For me the point is that if I can say these things to him and be accepted (my feelings were unacceptable and perceived as threatening when I was a child) I can begin to express my feelings about other, deeper issues without fear of rejection. It's a long road but we've made such progress, especially this year.

I've generally used e-mail or occasionally voice mails or texts to let my T or marriage counselor know about strong feelings, whether positive or negative. I find it's easier for me to organize my thoughts in written form and explain why I'm upset (or feeling whatever I'm feeling) than to try to do it in person. Sometimes we've them ended up discussing the feelings in person and/or on the phone after I reached out and shared them. But it's helped for me to have the feelings already out there. If I waited to share them in session, then I might back down or have trouble getting them all out or not make as much sense as I would in writing.

I can't remember how your T is about e-mail, but if she's not good with it, another option is to type/write it out, then ask her to read it at the start of next session. That way, you have your thoughts organized. Hope that helps. Good luck

I guess my therapy has really never gotten tangled up into knots about feelings about my therapists. I got along well with my therapists and we dealt with our diagreements in the moment and moved on. It would not have worked for me to try to deal with my issues in therapy if my therapy and issues were further complicated by therapy/therapist drama and contention. I had enough problems; I would not have wanted my therapy to add to them.

That may be why I dropped several therapists along the way fairly quickly. I saw red flags that I knew I wouldn't be okay with and moved on.

You've had more than a few serious red flags yet you keep going back for more. Why go to a therapist who you just described as being mean to you? From what you have previously described, that isn't just perception; she has an approach that is pretty harsh and not very suited to your emotional well-being.

I can usually express most of my feelings especially negative feelings towards my t but not the attachment feelings and especially not my attraction towards her. This limits my interactions with her greatly. I would like to be able to trust my t to be able to carry all of my feelings, like your t does Echoes. That would be too much of a risk with my t though. She likes her clients to hate her, not to love and adore her. This is why she can be so mean and challenging at times.

Thank you Argo, I really like the idea of a letter. I find it easier to write than to speak so naming my feelings can be very tricky. I know that if I was giving someone else advice I would tell them not to take a risk with this t because she most likely won't handle it sensitively and they will end up b OMG hurt.
I am trying to trust my t but every week she gives me a reason not to trust her.
I have tried the "I have something to say but it's hard for me line" my t does not mince her words or beat around the bush. She will just tell me to spit it out and when I stutter trying to get it out she will pretend she didn't hear me and make me say it again.
I imagine it's a relief to be so direct with your t?

Thanks for your advice Lonesome. I like the idea of a letter. I really think I could manage that quite well. T always misses what I am really trying to say or really trying to tell her. I think with a letter it won't be as hard to misinterpret my words.
I have never emailed my t, I have her email address because we work from the same centre and she is bcc on every email. After our last rupture I asked if I could email her. She said she would rather talk about it in session.

You are right Lola, it does add to my problems, all of the drama and contempt. I am learning now that this is a reenactment that I doomed to repeat over and over. I choose to have this drama in my life. It's all I have ever known. I realise I try to please my t by being the good compliant client, by bringing her cake I made only to have her give it away, by bringing her Christmas presents which she recycled and gave to my friend. I try to please my t like I tried to please my mam, my ex, my teachers. its a pattern.
I have good intuition and could sense these red flags but never listened.
My t is trying to teach me the hard way. She doesn't want me to attach because that would be following a pattern too.

It is quite a relief to know I can say pretty much anything--stuttering, even--and not have to face ridicule or harshness or anything really beyond polite professional regard. It's ****ing awesome, actually. I can't imagine trying to do therapy without that.

I do know what it's like, though, to not take my own advice. And I know what it's like to have to walk on eggshells around other people. It usually sucks.

I hope it all works out for you, Mona. I think you deserve to have a therapy situation work out for you. I see a lot of kindness in your posts; you deserve to be treated with the same kindness.

it took me like 5 years to tell my T i love him. he was very good about that. ive told him it like 4 times i think? it was all through text messages. i feel texting it, rather than saying it to his face, creates distance for me... a safe enough distance to be able to express it. we had discussed my attachment to him in person. at first it felt scary and uncomfortable. it seems easier now, but thats not say that the emotions involved aren't difficult and painful.

Hi Mona
I send emails to my therapist after each session. ( she's fine with it). If I have concerns about something regarding her I address it in the email. We always discuss it when we meet the following week. I'm finding it easier to discuss things with her now because the email has served as an icebreaker so to speak. I'm not sure if you are beyond that at this point, I know it's been very difficult working with your therapist. I'm hoping that you will seek out someone who is compassionate, empathetic and very importantly, respectful. Happy holidays to you!!

I think the pattern has been broken with both my T's that my feelings and wants and needs are valid and important. I'm not sure any progress would have been made by continuing with the same pattern. Your T wants you to hate her ?!! I can't see what's being achieved with that. Too many red flags and it all seems very twisted.

I tell the woman if she has failed me. Otherwise, I have no reason to talk to the woman about feelings about her. Aside from being angry with her when she fails, I don't really think I do have any feelings about her one way or the other.

Mona, I used the letter writing as a build up over time and only this past Friday actually said the words to my t verbally. You say your t does not like emailing between sessions. Would she read a letter in session that you gave her or with her tough love method, would she make you read it out loud or just summarize it?

Maybe the question to talk to her about is why do you let someone you care about treat you poorly?

I am new here so I don't know the whole story with your t, what I have seen leads me to feel like you deserve more. Have you ever felt like you were good enough in the relationships you discussed? Have you ever felt from someone else that you are enough just the way you are? I get the sense that you are not getting that from this t. It is some of what my t gives me and I think it was/is completely needed for me to get past the having to "be a good girl/kid" feeling. If you have not felt it at all, ever, then maybe finding a t that can give you that and work towards that so you can internalize it. <--- I'm not there yet, but there have been more moments of feeling that since working with my t.

Uh...I don't. I do say thank you on occasion, but since I also thank total strangers, I don't regard that as expressive of feelings.

Sounds like you want to change this pattern and that is admirable and should be something that moves you forward in your relationships with everyone. I could be a smart @ss and say just change it, or continue to change it because you already have.

In my version of what I think your "tell T x or y or z" is, identifying what it is I needed to say was about 2/3 of being able to say it. It's a big step. Then for me the next was feeling willing to say x or y or z. It was important for me to be able to do this outside the T room, so it was a good chance to practice. I'm guessing that there are other people in your life that you might want to say you are or were mad at, or wanted to tell them they were mean. Or at least contemplate the possibility rather than pretending it doesn't matter.

I'm sure you know the general basics of communication that deals with your feelings towards another person. Perhaps one of the least confrontative ways I have done this with my T is the "I feel/felt upset and angry when you said this thing, and I'm curious about why that is." Use "I" statements and be specific, so "you are always mean to me" is likely to lead to a productive conversation, but "I was angry when you said this specific thing" is not. I like to use the curious tag because it takes the issue out of the realm of finger-pointing or telling her she's wrong and focusing on my reaction.

And then when I learned to do this in the moment, that was pretty cool. I realized i could say what I felt without the world dropping me into a sinkhole, and I became better at it with people in my life.

As best I can. Something we are working on all of the time. Hoping that if I can learn to do it with her then I can learn to do it with other people. I may show it in my body language or I may bring writing in or write it down for her in session. I may say it or draw it or give her a gift or a card showing my feelings (this is only for positive ones really, a nice card which inside reads "right now I am really angry with you" is a but odd!).

Yeah, basically, as best I can in that moment. I am working hard on voicing my thoughts and feelings but we are a long way off from being there yet.

I don't tend to have problems with words (spoken or written) when I do mean it but I like to put them in a larger context. For example, express my appreciation for something the T helped with, a particularly interesting session or idea, or share how something from therapy affected my everyday life. If there are things I particularly relate to regarding the T's behavior and what he shares - or the opposite, if something feels very alien. I like to express both positive and negative feelings in this more complex, descriptive way (rather than just "pure" feelings) not only in therapy but also in general. Also with associations and comparisons.

Happy holidays to you too 1step.
I wish my t was more open to emails. She has always replied to my texts with reassurance and kindness.

Thank you Argo, I imagine it would be f***ing awesome too. I stutter with her and only her because I am so afraid of being judged and mocked.
I am so used to walking on eggshells around people that I have become very good at it.
You would be surprised by the amount of ts with avoidant personalities who would run 100 miles to get away from clients who are needy and attach themselves to their t so easy. My t nearly got sick when I told her my sister rings home every evening.


How does your t react when you tell her she has failed you?
Well my t says I have a high tolerance for abuse so she knows I will take just about anything she throws at me. I am learning to give it back to who it belongs to very slowly. It's a painful process because losing the things you crave can really mess with everything.
I can honestly say that I used to do that all the time.attach to these type of women who treat me bad.


Thank you I would say it's gratitude, is that a feeling? I guess so

I am learning to do this with family and friends and it really amazing when you can actually say what you want in a non blaming way. This is something I have worked in with t. She has accused me of not being real with her numerous times because I don't get mad at her. Well I do get furious at her but I can't express it.

I am glad to read how your t was and is accepting Junk DNA. Emotions for me are getting easier to handle, they used to be terrifying. That's one good thing about my t she really helped me to self regulate and soothe myself when emotions get scary.

I addressed issues with my T via email or text. She preferred for it to be done in person and she wouldn't have a huge discussion over text. According to her there could be misinterpretations or a miscommunication via text or email as opposed to in session. I'm the type of person to process things after my session and I develop thoughts then. Then I hate to address it in a week. I feel that it's better to address while its fresh. Again everyone handles things differently and certain Ts have certain rules. Eventually the handling things via email and text didn't go well at all. She then thought that I on purpose waited to address things via email and form an attack where she couldn't defense herself. It was nothing like that and I wouldve gained nothing from doing so. The last thing I would've wanted to do is to destroy my therapeutic relationship and upset her.