[Creamsicle]

Has anyone ever been too scared to open an email from their T? I wrote her yesterday confessing about a few things that I have not been happy about between me and her. Basically, I've been feeling a little like she's been so busy and rushed with me and kind of phoning it in this last six weeks. It was such a hard email for me to write because I never complain about anything or ask for anything from her. Usually she is a wonderful T and we have a really good relationship. Now she has written me back today but I'm too scared to read it. Every time I try to open her email, I start shaking and feel nauseous. I can't seem to face reading it. Just wondering if others feel this way too. I don't know what to do.

Happy new year to everyone.

[ruh roh]

Yes, but not for a while. I realized that emailing that sort of thing is risky, even though it never turned out badly.

I always listed out in my head all the different responses she could send, and prepared myself for each one. It helped me identify my worse fears and helped me take the step to read the email.

[Out There]

If we are used to feeling unimportant and not taken seriously , or our needs and what we are unhappy about are ignored this is a core belief and we sort of expect just more of the same and have the same fear. But what if it's different ? Maybe take a deep breath and open the email. There are always people here to talk with - it may be Wow it's different !

[Creamsicle]

So I read it. I'm pretty upset. She acknowledged that she understands why I feel the way I do and said she's sorry I've been upset. But she said that she is very busy and that things just get in the way sometimes. There was no mention of trying to change it or be more responsive. I'm really hurt and sad.

I am so sorry

Originally Posted by Creamsicle

So I read it. I'm pretty upset. She acknowledged that she understands why I feel the way I do and said she's sorry I've been upset. But she said that she is very busy and that things just get in the way sometimes. There was no mention of trying to change it or be more responsive. I'm really hurt and sad.

Are you upset that she is not going to try and change? It sounds as though she took everything you were saying into account and really heard the concern you were expressing.
There is always a risk when we make a request from someone that they will say no/ not want to do it, etc...
That doesn't mean we were wrong to ask them to change, just that right now it's not possible for them. I think that your t will be keeping an eye on how her business is having an affect on you and other clients and will eventually do something when she is ready.
Being a t and having my own t, things can get pretty hectic for me and my t from time to time. Recently my t has been extremely busy too and getting an appointment some weeks just doesn't happen. I feel unimportant and like she doesn't care about me, neither are true but I can't help personalise it sometimes. I haven't spoken to her about it and I really admire you courage to send her to email because you took a risk and decided to do something different. It didn't work as planned but we can't control other people only ourselves and you changed yourself by asking her for something you need and she really heard that request. Sounds like you are doing some great work with your t. I hope you can look at this more in your next session?

"sorry you were upset" is a non apology. It doesn't accept any responsibility. I would be upset too. I don't think I would feel heard or happy with that response. Email is such a difficult place for this conversation to occur; are you planning to discuss this next session?

[CharlieStarDust]

I'd be upset too, if I finally mustered the strength to bring something up and was told: yeah, I am busy. I don't think that's an appropriate response from a therapist. Her outside life and circumstances shouldn't interfere and affect your session time.
I hope you can chat with her and she can clear things up.

[CantExplain]

I generally get my wife to read my Tmails.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Creamsicle

So I read it. I'm pretty upset. She acknowledged that she understands why I feel the way I do and said she's sorry I've been upset. But she said that she is very busy and that things just get in the way sometimes. There was no mention of trying to change it or be more responsive. I'm really hurt and sad.

That would make me hurt and sad, too....and then angry.

I'm feeling a little angry for you right now...she expects her full fee, I bet.
I wouldn't be happy with a plumber or medical doctor who just sorta half-way worked for me for six weeks.

Can you ask her how long she expects to be this busy? Do you think it might be workable if it's a time-limited issue?

[Creamsicle]

Thank you so much, everyone. What you guys said here really validated how I'm feeling, which is helpful to me because I'm always quick to dismiss how I feel and just assume that I'm wrong. I'm still extremely upset today. Yes, I would be willing to discuss this with my T in my next session, but that's not for two weeks and right now that feels like a really long time to sit with being this upset. Also, I have kind of an ongoing emergency situation going on in my life right now (T knows about this, pending divorce), so usually my sessions right now are filled with my filling T in on the latest with that situation.

Here is her exact email. It is very kind, as you will see, and yet…

I'm very sorry that your experience has been of me being neglectful of you recently. Nothing has changed with the amount of my concern for you. I have been very busy recently, including with other patients and traveling. I recognize why you have felt that I was not as available but things just happen sometimes and I am very busy, even if I wish I were less busy. Again, I feel badly that this has upset you and that I have these limitations but I do still care about our work together.

[ruh roh]

Hi creamsicle. That is a kind email. I had thought you were referring to her being rushed during your sessions, but her reply makes it sound like she is acknowledging that she's not as available between sessions. It's not clear to me, so maybe it's not clear to her. If her busyness is showing up during your time in person, that's not okay, and yet...she doesn't seem to acknowledge that. So either she doesn't understand what's upsetting you is her presence of mind during session, or it's that what's bothering you is her lack of availability between sessions. If it's the later, there's really not much a client can ask unless there's some kind of payment arrangement for between session availability. If it's the former (she's absent while sitting in front of you), then that doesn't seem to have registered with her. Sorry if I've got it wrong. I hope you get this straightened out with her. I think the good news is that you expressed your feelings about this and she didn't get huffy about it. Small consolation, but still...

[Creamsicle]

No, what's been upsetting me is her being rushed during actual sessions, not in between. Yes, I can see how that's not clear from her email but I do think she knew what I meant because I gave specific examples to her in my email – things like her ending my sessions a few minutes early, just like three or four minutes but still those minutes matter to me, silly as it sounds, or also her having to take a few phone calls during my sessions. And again admittedly, she explained it was an emergency with another patient and apologized, but it happened several times over several weeks. There were a few other things also, just like her being very distracted and almost rushed while speaking to me or like maybe she was very tired, definitely like she wasn't really present. So I do think she knows what I meant because I gave those specific examples, but I can see why it doesn't come across in her email and I wonder why it doesn't. Somehow that makes me feel even more upset about her response.

I don't mean to nitpick on her and be too demanding, and if it was just a few of those things, I probably would've been fine – but it really has been a lot of them recently and a whole combination. I feel bad complaining though because usually she is a wonderful therapist and everyone can be off for a little bit, we are all human, but this is really starting to bug me and now her response really stings.

[ruh roh]

Okay, that makes a lot of sense. It would bother me a lot that she didn't acknowledge or apologize for how her busyness affects your sessions.

[precaryous]

How long have you seen her?
Her email is nice but the tone I'm getting is her busyness is out of her control...
What bugs me is she seems to put the burden of your feelings back on you....making your experience of her is your fault. But that just may be me.
I would want to explore with her the issue of her not appearing to be emotionally present in the session, though.

Again, I would want to know if she expects to be less busy now.
I certainly understand her needing to deal with other client emergencies...is she still expecting to travel often?

Have you found her more helpful than not?

I am sorry your T is doing this, Creamsicle. I believe this is the same T as the one who controls the dynamic of between-sessions texting and then charges for it? If so, what you describe in this thread sounds like yet another self-centered behavior. I don't even get how she can use being busy as an excuse for not giving you full attention during sessions, that does not make sense. Surely it can be accepted if it happens once but for weeks? I definitely would not feel bad about complaining and criticizing it.

[Creamsicle]

Thank you, everyone. Yes, this is the same T as the texting.

I'm still hurt by the whole situation but trying to sit with it.

[AnxiousandAlive124]

Originally Posted by Creamsicle

Has anyone ever been too scared to open an email from their T? I wrote her yesterday confessing about a few things that I have not been happy about between me and her. Basically, I've been feeling a little like she's been so busy and rushed with me and kind of phoning it in this last six weeks. It was such a hard email for me to write because I never complain about anything or ask for anything from her. Usually she is a wonderful T and we have a really good relationship. Now she has written me back today but I'm too scared to read it. Every time I try to open her email, I start shaking and feel nauseous. I can't seem to face reading it. Just wondering if others feel this way too. I don't know what to do.

Happy new year to everyone.

This is social anxiety somewhat hun, you are most likelky fearing disgruntling your T or worried that your relationship has changed some way.

[AnxiousandAlive124]

Hugs and take care, I hope she is responsive and appreciates your side of things