[objectclient]

With any luck, I am due to start individual therapy again soon so I have been reflecting on my previous therapeutic relationships to ensure that I am ready to know what to look out for in a T - the red flags AND the good points! Knowing the intensity of my attachments to Ts, I am afraid of being caught up in an abusive therapeutic relationship where the T is unprofessional or unethical and yet I find myself unable to walk away because...well, I'm attached. Massively.

All this thinking got me wondering about ex Ts with whom I have previously had individual therapy and whether they were unethical/unprofessional/abusive. I have come to the conclusion that T1 was not in any way unethical/unprofessional/abusive apart from one session before the last when she said something a little out of the ordinary. I was moving away so could no longer see her but I'd lined up another T who I saw before termination to make the transition a little easier. When I was talking to T1 in session just before I was due to leave in the coming week, I was talking about new T and therapy beyond our relationship and she said something like "I'm not sure I like this. I feel like I'm the other woman or something." Now T1 did have a sense of humor but this wasn't apparent when she said this, it was as though she actually meant it. After an awkward pause, conversation resumed as normal and that was that. Apart from this weird remark, there was no tension between us ever and in hindsight, I can appreciate how well supported I felt in therapy, with clear, consistent boundaries but willing to be flexible in crisis, good timekeeping and consistent appointment schedule, a sense of humor but never ill-timed/inappropriate, non-judgemental, understanding and very "in tune" with how I was feeling in the room. I'm not sure how much a therapist should challenge a client and how far they should push them to come face to face with horrible feelings, thoughts and memories before it becomes unethical. However, if I was to make a comparison with T3s (group therapists who were abusive) and T2, I'd say T1 barely challenged me at all. It was all at my own pace, as and when I felt ready. Having said that, targets were set for x number of sessions so it wasn't as if it was completely unstructured.

T3s were unethical/abusive. We have already established that here on this forum so I won't bother going over that experience again. However, I'm not sure what to make of my therapy with T2. There are aspects that make me feel uncomfortable and question whether I should have walked away but on the other hand, I was massively attached, didn't want to believe she would behave unethically and couldn't convince myself there was any concrete evidence that she was doing so...I guess I feel ambivalent so I'm looking for objective opinions of what went on so that I don't fall into the same trap again.

These are the things that bothered me in therapy with T2:

• T initiated physical contact without my consent. I was in a really bad place and she left her seat to comfort me. At the time, I did not object. This was strange for me because I absolutely did not accept/instigate touch outside of therapy. However, I had a delayed reaction later that day and felt ashamed and disgusted with myself for accepting her comfort. We did have a conversation about it the next session. I told her I didn't do touch outside of therapy so would not want to do so in therapy (setting my boundaries I guess). She agreed to this without any problem and it didn't happen again. However, she said she wasn't sure why she did use touch that session as she had never done so before in her whole career but she just felt in that moment it was something I'd not had before. She kept to my boundaries of no touch from then on, until many months later when I asked for a hug and it then became a regular occurrence, sometimes offered by T and sometimes asked for by me. After 1 or 2 months, I started to think this was a bad idea to introduce touch in therapy because of transference, the fear of rejection if she decided to take it away from me and the realization that no amount of hugs from T was going to fill the empty void. Therefore, I stopped asking for hugs and declined those offered and therapy continued as it was before. Also, during the period where hugs were ok, T also once reached to hold my hand and another time kissed my forehead. Both startled and overwhelmed me and I pulled away. T apologized but those incidents also factored into my decision to decline from touch in therapy.

• T was often angry with me and said it was because I was projecting my anger onto her.

• T started to neglect starting my sessions on time compared to the first few months when she was always on time. It made me feel like she couldn't be bothered anymore.

• In one session when T appeared angry with me, she accused me of not making any progress and threatened to stop seeing me if I didn't do something about it. This was unthinkable for me because I was so attached and depressed at that point and again, it made me feel like she didn't care.

• T never followed up on what I'd asked to talk about/she suggested I should talk about from one session to the next. She rarely, if ever, forgot information about me but this attitude just felt sloppy and once again, you guessed it, made me feel like she didn't care.

• The longer I was in therapy, I noticed that T would be doing things like biting her nails or fiddling with her clothing/hair/jewellery which she didn't do in the beginning months and it made me feel like I was boring her and that she couldn't be bothered anymore. She also started doing things like leaving the room to take a phone call or reading texts in session.

• She laughed at my distorted beliefs about life, before immediately apologizing, but nevertheless it hurt my feelings. While I can see how ridiculous they were now, this was a big deal for me at the time and I was being serious. I have since realized that ridiculous or not, these beliefs are part of me whether I like it or not. I can challenge them, yes, but I can't erase them or radically alter them after they were part of my life for so long and to discard them completely feels like disrespecting my grandparents/parents who brought me up to believe those things.

I know I've only listed T's bad points here but in comparison with T1, my better judgment is telling me that there shouldn't be this many and actually now, after writing this, I think I can answer my initial question. Am I being too judgemental? What do others think? Was T2 unethical/unprofessional/abusive?

If so, that opens up a whole load of new stuff to process. I really don't want to believe that she was unethical/unprofessional/abusive because I was massively attached and it hurts to think that she would behave that way towards me! But if she was then I have to face it, along with questions like, why was I so stupid not to have stood up for myself and if necessary, walked away? And how can I stop it from happening again with a new T?


I look forward to hearing your opinions.

[junkDNA]

i can see how it might be unprofessional... i dont see it as abuse though

[stopdog]

Most of it sounds like usual therapist sort of behavior from what I have seen and read.

[kecanoe]

I think the thing about touch sounds like she handled it pretty well. The rest, well, not abusive but not great either. I think it is my job to decide what to talk about each session. What I want to talk about when leaving one session may not be what I want to talk about the next time. So that doesn't seem bad to me.

The threatening to terminate, though is mean. And interrupting sessions to take calls or texts is rude. I would not be ok with either of those things.

[atisketatasket]

Unprofessional for sure, and I think ultimatums are unethical (having received one from a psychiatrist).

Like others, I would not consider your T2's behaviors abusive but definitely unprofessional and I would not want/tolerate them in a therapist long.

[Lauliza]

I think this T was maybe a bit odd and definitely unprofessional. Taking calls and texting during session isn't ok and her ultimatum wasn't very nice. Nothing you describe sounds abusive and/or unethical, however.

[objectclient]

Thank you for all of your comments. It is a relief to me that T wasn't unethical/abusive but I think what I've realized by creating this thread and reading your replies is that it says more about me than my therapists. Like, why I am so sensitive to every little thing T did/said and interpret things as indicators that she didn't care, couldn't be bothered etc.? And why did I interpret me accepting touch as shame and disgust?

[objectclient]

anyone????

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Thank you for all of your comments. It is a relief to me that T wasn't unethical/abusive but I think what I've realized by creating this thread and reading your replies is that it says more about me than my therapists. Like, why I am so sensitive to every little thing T did/said and interpret things as indicators that she didn't care, couldn't be bothered etc.? And why did I interpret me accepting touch as shame and disgust?

Not that I'm an expert on you, ObjectClient, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you other than that you THINK something's wrong with you. You seem pretty hard on yourself. I think being "sensitive" to what others say/do is indicative mostly of the fact that navigating the nuances of human relationships--especially one as strange as the therapeutic relationship--is tough for everyone. It takes a lifetime to perfect.

These are great questions to consider in therapy. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Not that I'm an expert on you, ObjectClient, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you other than that you THINK something's wrong with you. You seem pretty hard on yourself. I think being "sensitive" to what others say/do is indicative mostly of the fact that navigating the nuances of human relationships--especially one as strange as the therapeutic relationship--is tough for everyone. It takes a lifetime to perfect.

These are great questions to consider in therapy. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

Thanks for your response! So you would say my responses are normal? I find this interesting because it's not the first time I've found out that something I've considered as abnormal about myself (and have done so my whole life) is normal.

See, I was reading more into it thinking things like, could my interpretation that T's don't care or bother and my subsequent anger link to the same feelings I have had about female authority figures my whole life?

And is my shame and disgust about receiving hugs and allowing someone to actually respond to/fulfill my emotional needs indicative of why I have always avoided such contact ever since I can remember?

Am I just reading too much into all of this then?

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Thanks for your response! So you would say my responses are normal? I find this interesting because it's not the first time I've found out that something I've considered as abnormal about myself (and have done so my whole life) is normal.

I think it's normal. People experience this. I think it's pretty normal to think you're not normal, too.

Originally Posted by objectclient

See, I was reading more into it thinking things like, could my interpretation that T's don't care or bother and my subsequent anger link to the same feelings I have had about female authority figures my whole life?

And is my shame and disgust about receiving hugs and allowing someone to actually respond to/fulfill my emotional needs indicative of why I have always avoided such contact ever since I can remember?

Sure; possibly. These seem like reasonable explanations.

Originally Posted by objectclient

Am I just reading too much into all of this then?

I think the threshold of thinking too much or reading too much into something has to do with whether the thinking/reading is negatively affecting your life. Think/read as much as you want--right up until the point that your thinking/reading is making you miserable.