[Alexander_29]

Hi everyone
I have been seeing a psychologist since early 2016 but I dont think im getting anything out of it.
At the begining of last year I started seeing the councillor at my school for symptoms of depression and chronic stress at first I was slightly uncomfortbale but I got over that in the first 1-2 sessions and now I enjoy going sure I still get uncomfortbale when discussing my issues especially when talking about my self esteem and low self worth but I still enjoy going and I get on well with her. Anyway after my first few sessions she suggested that i go see my GP to get a mental health care plan which I did after she diagnosed me with depression and then my mum found a psychologist close to our home and I started seeing my first psychologist, she was ok she was nice but once again I felt uncomfortbale but i got more used to her but she didnt think I was depressed probably because I am quite reserved and reluctant to talk about my negative emotions in a serious way. With her I was working on understnading my emotions beacuse all things im feeling tend to be expressed as anger and when around other people if Im sad it just becomes anger and I lash out but if im alone it just turns into very negative view of my self and life and I just cry and feel like everyone would be better off without me etc.
While seeing the psychologist (I saw her once every 1-1 1/2 months) I continued seeing the councillor at school (i much prefer her to the psychologist I just get on better with her and we just seem to connect better) and I told her an issue that had been on my mind a lot and was causing a great deal of stress and worry and that was I thought I might of been transgender. After a few (3-4) sessions with my psychologist I switched to a new psychologist who specialised in Gender Identity Disorder, she luckly worked in the same practice as my original one did after about 3 sessions she diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder. We also talk about my self esteem and negative attitiude on everything I just dont think I connect with her I kind of feel awkward seeing her and during sessions i feel kind of "off" and uncomfortable and I once again dont think the therapy is helping me I still feel just as bad as I did before actually I think Im getting worse Iv now developed anxiety and Im having anxiety attacks about everything Im scared to get in a car im scared of being on the train I cant sleep beacuse im scared something bad will happen when I sleep im specifically terrified of spiders and i feel like they are all over me and are out to get me and that they are going to bite me while im asleep and ill die and the transgender thing is really having a negative effect on my lefe im just so worried and stressed about it and it just makes everything much harder. I like talking to my school councillor, I even prefer talking to my GP but shes going on maternity leave in a month, I really dont like seeing my psychologist (and I didnt really like seeing my old one either) I dont know why It just feels "off" but It will be real hard to switch psychologists beacuse the one I currently see is the only one who specialises in Gender issues that isnt in the city and real expensive shes the only one in my area and I really dont want to be more of a burdern on my family than I already am by making them drive me to the city. I feel like I have too many issues to deal with and I dont know where to start and I have to go see my psychologist on the 23rd of Jan and I really dont want to I just feel uncomfortable and strange.
Sorry its so long I just need to vent, any advice, suggestions or opinions are welcome

[LonesomeTonight]

Sorry you're struggling...How long have you been seeing the new psychologist? It can take some time to build up trust and comfort. Also, you're mentioning new fears/anxieties--sometimes intense therapy sessions can bring that sort of thing up. Especially if you're dealing with a topic as major as what you are. Have you told the psychologist about the increased fears? Or that you're not sure if what you're doing in there is helping? She may just need to take a different approach with you. Or go more slowly, if it's too much.

[Argonautomobile]

Hi Alexander, and welcome to the Forum!

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough. You know you best, of course, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like you and the Psychologist just aren't clicking. You like talking to the counselor, and it sounds like you even get along with the GP--why see a psychologist at all?

[AllHeart]

Sorry you are struggling with all of this. I second what LonesomeTonight says and asks above. Having to talk about our inner most feelings and thoughts can bring up a lot of anxiety and fear. There are many different reasons this could be happening (ie. lack of trust, no connection with t, fear of it being too embarrassing or painful, etc.). Are you able to explore this with your counselor or GP to find out why you are experiencing this unease?

Remember that you can get your issues out at your own pace. You don't have to go in on the 23rd and unload everything to your t. You don't have to unload anything at all if you aren't ready to. You might consider writing her a note to let her know that you struggle with "xyz" and that you are experiencing a lot of stress around having to talk about this stuff with her, if talking is hard, and if that is something that you think might help your situation.

If your gut instinct is undoubtedly telling you this t isn't the right one for you, then do try to find another therapist. I know its horrible to feel like a burden, but know that that is your lack of self-worth talking. I am willing to take a good guess that your family wants you to get better. Please consider telling them how you feel about your current t and ask them for their thoughts on whether or not taking you to a city t is a viable option for you.

It's good you are taking steps to advocate for yourself. The last thing you want to do is suffer in silence. Thanks for reaching out here.

[Wonderfalls]

A therapist who specializes in your area of concern could well be less helpful than someone who doesn't but does click better with you. A good therapist should be able to work with clients with all different problems. In the end it's all about the relationship.

[Alexander_29]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sorry you're struggling...How long have you been seeing the new psychologist? It can take some time to build up trust and comfort. Also, you're mentioning new fears/anxieties--sometimes intense therapy sessions can bring that sort of thing up. Especially if you're dealing with a topic as major as what you are. Have you told the psychologist about the increased fears? Or that you're not sure if what you're doing in there is helping? She may just need to take a different approach with you. Or go more slowly, if it's too much.

I havn't been seeing her very long iv only had 3-4 sessions with her and I only see her once every 1-2 months because Im on a mental health care plan so I get 10 free sessions in a year so I have to space them out. I wouldnt call the therapy intense the first 2 sessions were just on the gender thing and the last one was on self esteem but I hate everything about therapy I hate waiting and I never feel at ease or anything other than uncomfortable, judged and awkward during a session. Im uncomfortable with the whole experience so I havnt expressed my views the therapy isnt helping I dont feel like im able to. In terms of the school councillor I get on better with her shes closer to my age and more casual I feel more at ease around her even just the way her office is set up makes me feel more at ease. Of course I still get uncomfortable depending what were talking about but I still enjoy going most of the time and my anxiety tends to lessen a bit throughout the session or its at least not as bad as it is with the psychologist. In general I think i have an issue with opening up to people who are older or in a higher level of power I always have been a shy cautious child I hated strangers and I HATED talking to doctors i always got mum to do it but now Im better with doctors and I HATE talking to my family about anything that has meaning or anything going on in my life I cant talk about anything other than small talk. Im even scared to ask for a drink or food at a time other than the designated dinner time Im scared they will yell at me etc.

[kecanoe]

I think it would be very hard to feel comfortable with disclosing difficult stuff to someone you see only 10 times a year. I think I would stick with the counsellor you feel comfortable with, and work on the issues that you think they can help you with.