seeking connection vs avoiding connection

i'm sick :-( in fact i'm feeling so sick that i txt messaged my t last night and said 'i'm sorry but i think i'm going to have to cancel our session tomorrow because i'm really feverish and stuff'. then... i txted him (before he had a chance to respond) 'unless... you wouldn't mind doing a phone session instead?' so... the upshot was that we had a phone session this morning instead of a ftf session.

one of the things that came up was about my emailing him very personal / intimate / self-disclosing stuff... and about... how it was good that i was doing that if i really couldn't raise it in any other way but that... it wasn't good if it was making it harder for me to talk to him / see him ftf...

i told him that i used to wish that people didn't have bodies. he seemed surprised at that... i think he will want to talk some more about that...

i sent him an email. 'i don't see why we can't to phone therapy or email therapy or chat therapy instead of ftf therapy. i don't see why we can't do things that way'. i sent him a couple links to some of the Suler stuff about the online disinhibition effect and about how transference can be heightened in online interactions and about how there can be an uncanny empathy / mind reading that happens online similarly to how there can be that in ftf interactions. stuff about how the self-object functions might be met more online precisely because of the disinhibition effect. stuff about how there can be more material and working through online precisely because of the heightened transference and a-syncronicity of interactions.

don't know if he will buy it / what he will think.

he said something about how therapy can be hard because there aren't many situations irl where another person is so very focused on you (in a way that isn't reciprocal). that the last time that happened with me was probably with my mother... then he said 'i could be wrong, of course' (as he does - probably incase his interpretations hurt my ego...) i said 'there were others after that but i don't know how i feel about that'. he seemed a bit surprised that i said that. unwanted male attention. triggering, yeah.

i said i don't understand why i can't lie down with my eyes closed and why he has to look at me.

i don't like being embodied. i don't like it at all. i feel like i'm really trying to increase intimacy and really trying to disclose more etc etc. but i'm feeling overwhelmed by the physical presence aspect of it all. am i avoiding intimacy? i feel like i'm trying to increase it. maybe there are different aspects to intimacy and i'm trying to increase some and avoid others?

so confused.

:-(

alex.. i'm sorry i don't understand the academics of psychology, nor much of the references and terms you use... but from talking with you, listening to you and reading your posts, i can't help but think it's avoidance that you're seeking by not doing ftf, rather than deeper intimacy through disembodied communication. The way you write it overtly suggests you know this. i am sorry that ftf is so hard for you.

i'm sorry you're feeling sick too. Feel better soon.

I think abandoning ftf would be a step backward in therapy. Could it be you are trying to avoid the pain of needing him so much, which is intensified when you see him ftf? You already do email him a lot, as well as see him ftf. Sounds like you're trying to cut back to protect yourself.

Nice try, alex! No seriously, I am sorry the ftf meetings are so hard for you. I hope you won't give them up. Maybe he will let you close your eyes sometimes when you are together. (I mean, how could he prevent you from doing that anyway, if it got too intense and you felt you had to do it?)

Hope you feel better soon.

Take care,
sunny

P.S. I would never do a phone session! I cannot say anything meaningful to anyone over the phone. The phone would immediately make a conversation very superficial for me.

i think... seeing him isn't hard because i'm trying to avoid the pain of needing him... it is more that i get these intense urges... to claw my face and punch myself... to attack him... to pull him close... to jump on his lap and throw my arms around his neck... to seduce him... to run from the room... just an intense state of physiological arousal and disorganization. can't think. can't think. it is too much for me :-(

so i need to regulate down a bit. not looking. better with phone contact than with ftf (he has a soothing voice). i wish email would run better... i'm not sure that he knows that a similar connection can develop with emails...

i don't know. hanging head.. i don't know :-(

Hmmmm, OK. Have you shared this with him (the intense urges and physiological arousal)? Does he have any suggestions on how to cope with those? Maybe just by continuing to see him, you will eventually become habituated to his presence and not react like that. Or, is it getting worse with time? (((hugs)))

i've shared a little...
i think it gets worse with time as i feel more attached to him.
i feel like... i need to do something to help regulate my emotions down so we can work in the theraputic window (of an optimal emotional arousal level).

either... i can't talk about this stuff... so i have to keep it fairly light and superficial...

or... i can talk about this stuff... but i can't look at him and that...

:-(

wondering if wanting to avoid ftf has anything to do with Mr. Man...wanting to or needing to tell T about him? bodies...Mr. Man...intimacy... a lot of vulnerability going on and that can be unsettling. It can be overwhelming for me so just wondered ...

aw. why does everyone think i'm trying to avoid him :-( its just too hard is all. overwhelming. i don't understand why it needs to be that way :-(

i told t some more about mr. man today. told him that i call him nearly every day and that i missed him a lot. haven't really talked to him about the physical intimacy aspect... think i told him one tuesday that i told mr. man i needed things to go slow... then next friday he said something about things going slow and i blushed and hung my head and covered my face a little and said 'that was last week'. thats all i've told him about physical intimacy with mr. man.

but that being said... i have been reading up on erotic transference tonight. hmm. hmm. hmmmmmmmm.

i enjoyed the physical intimacy with mr. man. i was the major instigator with that if anyone was. but then... i worry a bit... about how i really didn't want him to leave me (emotionally). about how i really wanted to keep him... about how maybe i did a little more with him than i would have if i wasn't so %#@&#! up :-( i'm scared.

I think I understand what you mean, Alex. I feel similarly in therapy, but as usual, I come from both sides of the extreme. On one hand, I have difficulty being in the same room with him. It is overwhelming and intense. I have told him that sometimes I cannot look at him and the reason that I often close my eyes while we are talking is because I feel too much for him.... and the notion of being in the same room with this person who I am that attached to and have "that" (I wouldn't dare use the word erotic) kind of transference for, gets to be a little too much. Those are the times in which I want to tell him everything by email. Or morse code. The one time when "told" him I wished for him to hold me I had written it all down and given it to him in session. He read it in front of me while I covered by face with my hands. I, too, am not renowned for my emotional maturity and told him, "Great. Now I am participating in therapy like a junior high school student-- passing you notes."

On the other side of the extreme is the reason why I can't do a phone session and why I have only used the psychoanalytic couch once in the 2 years we have been working together-- my need to have f2f contact because I am blown away by how %#@&#! engaged he is when we are together. I have never seen anyone look that engaged when I talk. In addition, I see that a lot of what he feels when I speak comes out in non-verbals. So I see it in his face, his eyes, etc.... and I need that. I need to see him scratching his stupid Freudian goatee when I'm rambling on about something.

That being said, I do spend a majority of the time looking at everything in the room except for him. One time (while looking straight at him) I told him about the two cracks in the ceiling that run parallel, the part of the wall where the lumping is moldy.... I have spent so much time not looking at him that I have memorized the room.

I don't think that not wanting f2f contact is avoiding the connection. Whether or not there is f2f contact, emotional connection still exists. This connection existed for me during the session on the couch in which I was faced away from him... and one of the strongest connections I ever felt towards him came one day during a brief phone call. So no, I don't think this is necessarily about avoiding a connection. It sounds like you still very much want to be connected with him; however, there are aspects of yourself that you would like to protect. And perhaps you feel the need to protect him as well.

Oh, and feel better by the way.

thank you.

for me... it is his voice. he has a very soothing voice. when i hear his voice i visualise myself being held and rocked and cuddled and soothed... i get all that from his voice. it was a little odd talking to him on the phone to start with... but it was his voice and so it was okay. with emails... it is hard to tell... i figure i could read his voice into his emails only... he won't SAY the things he would say irl by email. he just says 'i'm not sure what is needed'. he seems... it seems like he feels inadequate to respond by email. like it won't mean anything because of the lack of other cues. but all i need is the words and i can summon the voice. and the voice summons everything else. and the other cues (his leaning forward was nice - but typically...) the other cues just get me feeling really very distressed and hyperaroused and confused and wanting to tear my hair out and hit him and start running into walls and throwing things around and curling up on the floor and screaming and running away and all kindsa crazy stuff :-(

i haven't told him anything much about my feelings for him. said a little by email about wishing he could hold me... i said today on the phone that i was amazed at the feelings i had for mr. man because i've never felt that way before and i thought i was incapable of it. i said that it scared me a little how much of my insecurites and stuff that mr. man brought up for me, though. talked a bit about how i can't trust my feelings because they are so changeable and i need a couple days to figure out what is going on with them (how much is in the past and how much is in the present). i said that mr. man was great about all that, though. listened to me and said reassuring things and was fine later when i apologised about over-reacting. he said that it sounded like he was sympathetic and understanding and i was like 'yeah'. that i was worried i might be idealising and the inevitable end was devaluing... but that i haven't felt this way about anyone before so i wanted to try and make things work.

but of course i have felt that way about people before. it is just that they are unsuitable / unavailable people. like... my t. mr. man reminds me a bit of my t. BLUSH. see... all this stuff that i could tell him by email (and maybe over the phone) but i really COULDN'T say ftf. :-(

yeah. protect him... don't want to hurt him :-( don't want to make him feel uncomfortable :-( i know he is working hard to try and get me to make disclosures to him rather than prattling on about work stuff. but... he is trying to balance that with trying to get me to feel stuff and feel the feelings in the present rather than dissociating from them. but... i can't do both. i can't do both at the same time. i can't. not while he is there with me. it is too much :-(

wow. you sound allot like me. i divulge too much in email and my T would rather talk about it in person too. Email lets me split myself and talk in a way i couldnt in person. To let all the inner mes out. and have no guard up.

I have never emailed my T. That has never even come up as an option. I imagine that if I had access to his email, his computer would eventually just blow up, lol. It's probably better this way. I'll just continue to pass him notes in session like a 12 year old.