[sunrise]

I haven't had a really connected session for a few weeks. It's not that we've been disconnected, just not intensely connected in that really really satisfying way. We've had a lot of nuts and bolts stuff to work on and have done just fine. But still... One feels the lack of the intense "high" one gets from extreme connection.

Anyway, this week we did have one of those lovely connected times together. Right before I drove to session, I had this really stressful thing happen regarding my divorce. Just blood pressure rising, anxiety inducing, frustrating as h*ll, blech. I did not want to take this to therapy with me, as I am so sick of dealing with divorce logistics there. I wanted this session for me, for real therapy. And we'd talked about anger last time, and T had offered to help with this, and I had accepted. We were going to do EMDR.

Anyway, I get into session, and T waits for me to choose where to go. I am fighting to calm down and not let the divorce annoyance rule the day. I can't say anything--mind is racing, heart is beating too fast. Finally, I say, "I need to relax." Silence. I cast about and then ask about a treat he is eating, which he has shared with me. This starts off the most wonderful interchange--me and T at our best. Filled with give and take and my feelings and his self disclosure sprinkled throughout, him sharing with me about anger and little bits from his own marriage and divorce as we talk about mine and where I've been and where I am going and why. And anger. And quotes from philosophers. It is just the most beautiful dance, and I realize how much I have missed this--my sharing and his in kind therapeutic self disclosure (right back atcha!), so skillfully woven into our synchronous talk. It was just great--my T at his therapeutic best, and me, healing and learning. I must have been purring.

During this interchange, I remember posing a question, something like, "is it good for me to be feeling this way (angry)? Because it doesn't feel good to feel this way." He responded, "well, I can answer that 2 ways. I can be a therapist and tell you yes, it's progress and it's healthy to be feeling it, and we can sit in that feeling together, and really let you experience it. That could go on for many sessions. But the last few sessions you have been feeling it, and I can tell how hard it is for you, and I want to respond as a healer, not as a therapist, because I'm a healer above all else. We can do EMDR together and you can heal from the wounds that are causing your pain and anger. I think you've sat in it enough. Are you ready to heal?"

Near session's end, he asked me about the nuts and bolts divorce stuff--arrghhh--and I spilled what happened. We went way over time dealing with that. Then on my way out, he looks up at me from where he's seated at his desk and asks how it went (our session)--I love that, he's never asked that before. I say, referring to our dance, "the anger talk was the best part for me." And he smiles, with crinkly eyes, "me too," he says.

(Next week, EMDR.)

[MissCharlotte]

Sunrise,

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Are you ready to heal?"

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Sounds shamanistic.

How beautiful.

[pegasus]

So glad you had a good session.

Therapy at it's best- when two people appear to be 'just' chatting, talking to each other on the same level and sharing experiences.

Good luck with the EMDR.

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sunrise said:
Filled with give and take and my feelings and his self disclosure sprinkled throughout, him sharing with me about anger and little bits from his own marriage and divorce

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Wow, what was this like for you? Has he ever self disclosed like that before. That is so different that what I'm used to... but it sounds as though it was very effective for you and he really knows how to use disclosure so that it works out for your benefit.

I really like how you came in with a set plan to do EMDR but instead he is so willing to meet you where you are at and go with the flow of the session.

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During this interchange, I remember posing a question, something like, "is it good for me to be feeling this way (angry)? Because it doesn't feel good to feel this way." He responded, "well, I can answer that 2 ways. I can be a therapist and tell you yes, it's progress and it's healthy to be feeling it, and we can sit in that feeling together, and really let you experience it. That could go on for many sessions. But the last few sessions you have been feeling it, and I can tell how hard it is for you, and I want to respond as a healer, not as a therapist, because I'm a healer above all else. We can do EMDR together and you can heal from the wounds that are causing your pain and anger. I think you've sat in it enough. Are you ready to heal?"

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That is so cool. Really. I am so fascinated with the different ways in which our Ts help us, and this is one of the best I've come across lately.... to put the focus on healing, above all else. Again, so different than what I do with my T, in which the focus of the anger is to experience it, sit through it, and work through the transference of it. Oh ILOVETHERAPY and all the different approaches.

Thanks for sharing this Sunny.

What an awesome session for you! I'm so glad it went so well and that the "dance" you two did together synchronized perfectly.

[lauren_helene]

Sunny, I'm so glad that you had a session with him like that. My T self discloses if it is relevant to our discussion. He's brief with it and it helps me.

I think it can be used in a therapeutic way. I'm not familiar with EDMR, I'll have to check that out.

Good for you!

[sunrise]

Thanks sister, pegasus, pinksoil, stormyangels, and almedafan.

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sister said:Sounds shamanistic.

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You got it, sister. Sometimes I do get a feel of him as shaman when he does or says a certain thing, or looks at me a certain way. He is trained in the healing arts. I have never discussed his training in this area much with him, although he has left that door open. I would like to learn more from him on this sometime. Our very first session, when he was learning why I was there and I was learning about him, he rose up out of his seat and towered over me--he is a tall man--and intoned "I am a healer." It was a memorable moment, I felt his tremendous energy, and I remember thinking whoa, this guy's got balls! I liked that. His confidence in his ability to heal gave me confidence that I could heal. Very powerful.

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pinksoil said:
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sunrise said:
Filled with give and take and my feelings and his self disclosure sprinkled throughout, him sharing with me about anger and little bits from his own marriage and divorce

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Wow, what was this like for you? Has he ever self disclosed like that before.

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Yes, he has, but maybe more this time than in many sessions. Self disclosure is a common part of our therapy and has allowed us to go really deep and bond with each other. Although the last few sessions, we haven't done it much, and I have missed it. This session was like coming home to what works so well for us. From almost the very beginning, self disclosure has been a part of our therapy. I asked for it, not directly, and I didn't even realize what I needed and was asking, but when he provided some, it was like "eureka, that's it" and we haven't looked back since. What was a bit different this session, is that in the past, I have welcomed and accepted his self disclosure, but felt a boundary that I couldn't cross by asking him specific, personal questions about what he was sharing of himself. I felt it was for him to give to me what he chose, but I couldn't ask for more from him. But this time, I asked a number of questions that I hadn't felt able to before. And he answered every one. So it was even more mutualistic than in the past. And it deepened things even more. Of course, I didn't ask anything inappropriate, as I am very respectful of boundaries, but I felt able to do more than before, somehow, and it was well met.

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pinksoil said:
to put the focus on healing, above all else

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Yes, that is my T. That is my therapy.

[Lemon]

This was such a great session. I was very intersted in how your T handled dealing with the anger discussed in your previous sessions. As i've mentioned, in my last session with my T, she wanted me to talk about things from my marriage that made me angry. in my opinion, the session didn't go well and I was left feeling pretty horrible the past 2 weeks (she was on vacation last week so no session).

I really liked that your T felt that you've sat and experienced your anger long enough. When i've thought about my upcoming Tuesday session I imagine that my T will want to keep talking about things that make me angry and that she'll think i need to continue to sit and work through my anger. So it was refreshing to hear there is another option. I may try to bring this up with her and see what she says. She's very open to my opinions when i can manage to bring them up.

Asside frm EMDR, did your T discuss other ways for you to heal and move on from the anger?

[MissCharlotte]

Sunny,

I was re-reading this thread and the followng quote resonated with me:

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From almost the very beginning, self disclosure has been a part of our therapy.

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I have come to realize that this is true for my therapy as well. To use your term, T's self disclosure is "sprinkled" throughout our sessions. It is in this disclosure that I find a common bond with T. For instance our children went to the same school, and this made me realize we have common parental experiences. It makes me feel closer to him. Yesterday, during the horrific phone conversation, he shared that he was on his way to help his son move into the college dorm. I asked what college, he told me and it was just a nice addition to the conversation, helping to smooth over the rough spots and normalize it somewhat.

I respect his boundaries as he respects mine.

[sunrise]

Lemon, I'm sorry your T left you hanging with all your anger for 2 weeks.

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Lemon said:
Asside frm EMDR, did your T discuss other ways for you to heal and move on from the anger?

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No, we didn't this time. I know in the past he has said some people benefit from physically acting out their anger, like punching pillows and such, but he has also said he didn't think this would be a good fit for me, and he is so right on that. He does EMDR a lot with good success for a variety of different sorts of problems. We used it with good success early in my therapy for helping me get unstuck from past trauma. It frees up the memories and lets the brain process them. I hadn't heard of his using it for anger until just recently. Before he got into EMDR, he used psychodrama for a lot of the same reasons. He has told me when he discovered EMDR, he was able to use that instead, and it is quicker and more efficient than psychodrama, although he still has a psychodrama group also. I don't know if he has any other techniques specifically for anger. He is an EMDR level 2 practitioner. Lemon, if you want to try EMDR, I would recommend seeking out someone with at least that level of training.

In terms of other ways to heal, I have had some of my own ideas and sought out what I needed to heal. I also try to take advantage of what T has to offer. It was very empowering to me in one of our first sessions, when T said to me that only I know what I need to heal. So I have followed a path to healing ever since, trying hard to listen to the impulses to heal inside me, and trust them, and follow them. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out the next step, but when I do, then I really am very goal directed and go for what it takes to heal that piece. Like zooooommm!

Lemon, I will be very curious about the ideas your therapist has for dealing with anger. I am sure they all have their favorites.