[rainbow8]

I didn't expect what happened today in my session. I told T that I wished I had said "I love you" to my mother when she was sick and dying. I don't know why I couldn't. I said if doesn't help saying it to T. She had me close my eyes and say it. I also said what T told me last week: I wanted my mother to say " I will love you forever" like T did. So I said that out loud too.

Then T said "try it", or maybe she first said "I will love you forever" to me, and had me look at her. I reminded her that early in therapy she told me saying "I love you" is reserved for family. She said she changed. Then I said I wish I could record that but she told me to hold it in my heart and she would say it again. She said "I feel love for you" and I said I didn't like the word "feel" so she said it straight "I love you." I said it's hard to say it back but I wanted to. So I did!! Directly!! It was sooooo nice. It all felt so normal and natural, and freeing! It was better than anything!

[BayBrony]

Thats so wonderful rainbow!!! It sounds very healing.

[WrkNPrgress]

Lovely. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing, rainbow, that warmed my heart.

[rainbow8]

I emailed T that I felt like something got healed, maybe preverbal stuff. I asked if that's possible, just by exchanging " I love yous". She said those words last week, and in emails, but it just sunk in today. T really loves me, and I love her. And that's okay!!!!!!!

[rainbow8]

T didn't email back until I wrote her again. I know she meant what she said, and I feel good loving her, but I felt disappointed by her email. It's hard for me to hold onto something unless it's reinforced all the time. T wrote that she's sorry she didn't answer sooner, but she was busy. The child part got triggered. If T really loved me, she wouldn't be too busy. But I know that's unrealistic. I thought it was adult love/caring between T and me, but in therapy the transference shows up. I want T to tell me and show me over and over that she loves me. I shouldn't need that. I do feel it in my heart like I said but then something interferes because she's not my mother. Or not quite being able to hold onto it because T's response wasn't what I wanted. Not her fault. It's me.