Steps to building trust?

I'm frustrated. I can't trust myself and neither can mental health professionals.

I've never lied to anyone (because I'm always truthful), but I've admitted, on several occasions, to being non compliant with meds. For example, I've admitted to stopping Latuda, Abilify, and Strattera all without my pdoc's consent. (I didn't do it all at once, but on 3 separate occasions.) I've also admitted to taking higher doses of a med than prescribed (e.g., I had extra Lexapro leftover, so I decided to take more than prescribed to induce a hypo/manic episode). I've also taken Adderall on 3 separate occasions to intentionally induce hypo/mania.

Anyway, I've noticed that I'm more impulsive when I'm in a mood episode. For example, I'll get into this mode of "meds don't work. f*** it"!" or "I hate meds! Mania is aweeesome!" But this also might just be a character flaw, as I sometimes to this outside of episodes too.

If I bring this issue up in therapy, I'm afraid that it'll affect our client-therapist relationship as well. I've only admitted these issues to my pdoc.

What can I do to build up my own trust? Trust starts with being able to trust yourself, and I can't do that. I don't know why!

I would think that being honest--especially about past dishonesty--would work to build trust.

Yes, I think that would help a lot, but I can't even learn to trust myself. I've f***ed up so many times with medications that I don't think I could ever get my pdoc to trust me again. (I must've f***ed up 10-15 times.) I mean, I literally don't get refills on my meds anymore. I used to before, but not anymore. And the only way to get them is to visit in person. On the phone it's not happening.

Maybe another way to think about this is that you know yourself and you know your own patterns and behaviors. I think that's a good thing. Everybody has limits regarding how much they can "trust" themselves, and professionals know this.

That's why the diet expert says not to keep chocolate muffins in your desk. If they're there, you'll eat 'em. Or why the doctor recommends a physical therapy regimen with an actual person instead of just sending you home with directions.Or why people trying not to drink don't go to bars with friends.

I think a big part of "trusting" yourself is knowing your limits, behaviors, patterns. It's a lot better than keeping the muffins in your desk, swearing you won't eat them, and doing it anyway time and time again because you can't accept what you know about yourself.

Telling other people helps keep you accountable. I'd be as honest with your T as you possibly can.

Non compliance with meds may be higher than you think. You could ask t what the compliance rate is. Then you won't have to beat up on yourself. Just be honest -that will help with trust.