[ScrewedUpMe]

I'm so shocked. I have known T for 10 years. She had a husband and stopped mentioning him relatively recently. Not that she mentioned him alot...but the odd reference to him. No one is ever home when I go to see T at her home but I assumed he was always at work or away. I never realised he wasn't actually there. T moved 2 hours away from me about 4 years ago. I'm now not sure her husband ever went with her. T was telling me a story about someone today and she said "my ex-husband's cousin..." and I was SO shocked. I didn't even hear the story she told. I've always thought of T as so strong and grown up and proper and doing everything by the book and now I feel sad for her. Her kids are grown up and married and live a few hours away. I never knew she was alone. It's totally thrown me. I adore my T and I don't want her to be alone. She may not be alone actually, she may have a new partner, but I'm still sad for her. Today was an absolutely rubbish session because I am in the worst, crappiest mood today and let it come out in session by being really uncooperative and unresponsive. I think I was thrown though by T's revelation.

[kecanoe]

I found out T1, who was divorced when I first me him had remarried-partly because just before his wedding I was getting coffee at a coffee shop across the street from his office and he was there and the barista said something about his upcoming wedding. And partly because after that he would sometimes refer to his wife. Then last fall, his brother died and in the obituary where it lists survivors he was listed without a spouse. I was sure that was a mistake. But then I thought about it and it had been a while since he had said anything about his wife. And at one point he had said the last year had been a hard one-I knew both of his parents had dies and assumed he was talking about that. I am still shocked that he divorced a second time. Not that I think it is that big of a deal (my dad, who is perfect, is three time divorced) to be divorced, but there is something about the title of family counselor (which he is) that would make me think that he would be good at being married. I still am not sure what to make of it.

And then, someone came up on my FB feed as someone I may know. We had unusual friends in common so I clicked on her page. And there was T1, a picture of him and her, pretty clearly on a date. I felt pretty weird seeing that. I mean, I have googled him (and my other ts) but I wasn't even thinking about him when I clicked. His son came up once as someone I might know-his son is a year older than one of my daughters and we have FB friends in common as well. I didn't click on the son, since I recognized the name.

Sorry, that got kind of off topic. But yes, I am weirded out by the second divorce. I felt bad about it over the holidays, feel bad that he is grieving the loss of both parents and a brother without support at home. And I know that is not my place to say anything. When the family members dies, he did tell me about that, and I expressed my condolences. So yeah. Thrown.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

I'm so shocked. I have known T for 10 years. She had a husband and stopped mentioning him relatively recently. Not that she mentioned him alot...but the odd reference to him. No one is ever home when I go to see T at her home but I assumed he was always at work or away. I never realised he wasn't actually there. T moved 2 hours away from me about 4 years ago. I'm now not sure her husband ever went with her. T was telling me a story about someone today and she said "my ex-husband's cousin..." and I was SO shocked. I didn't even hear the story she told. I've always thought of T as so strong and grown up and proper and doing everything by the book and now I feel sad for her. Her kids are grown up and married and live a few hours away. I never knew she was alone. It's totally thrown me. I adore my T and I don't want her to be alone. She may not be alone actually, she may have a new partner, but I'm still sad for her. Today was an absolutely rubbish session because I am in the worst, crappiest mood today and let it come out in session by being really uncooperative and unresponsive. I think I was thrown though by T's revelation.

I don't know if you have read any of my posts about my reaction to my T's divorce, so sorry if I'm being repetitive. Like you, I was shocked when I found out, a few years ago. I sort of guessed, and she confirmed it. I couldn't think straight during the rest of that session, like you. I thought my T had a good marriage! I was stunned, and I'm still triggered by it, even now. It threw me off kilter! I hugged her when I found out, and in subsequent sessions we discussed my feelings about it. She was still going through the process when I found out. I felt so bad for her. She has adult children and had been married 25 years or so. She even told me something else I guessed, that she was unhappy with her husband and wanted the divorce, though it could be it was mutual. She has a partner now and admitted he's much nicer than her husband. The whole scenario affected me deeply. I suggest you discuss your feelings with your T if it continues to bother you.

[satsuma]

This happened to me too. I found out that my T had got divorced. I was very shocked and sad. It broke the illusion of T having a perfect life. I think it's good to realise that T is human like everyone, and not perfect, but I was still very sad for him, because it had always been clear to me that family was very important to T and so it was a very sad thing.
I think it has made me feel more sympathetic towards people going through divorce, through knowing that my T was going through it.

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry you're struggling with the news. This is not meant in anything but a sincere way, but how is it that someone who divorces is not being strong and grown up?

I kind of assume that therapists have the same kinds of relationship issues as the clients they see. I mean, I guess it would take me back a bit if mine were sitting on some guy's doorstep at 2 am, wailing and crying because he wouldn't return a call. But since I don't have any relationships, I would still rank her as more evolved in that department.

[Salmon77]

I'm sort of confused by the idea that a person who is divorced would not be "strong and grown up and proper and doing everything by the book"? I mean, divorce is a tough thing to go through, whatever the reason is--some more difficult than others--but it's not necessarily a sign of moral failure or something by itself.

Seems like maybe it would be good to examine why you think it's so awful to be alone?

[CantExplain]

Divorce is widely seen as a relationship failure, and Ts are widely seen as relationship experts.
A divorced T seems incongruous.

ETA:

But perhaps the idea of a permanent relationship is wrong?

ETA 2:

A lot of patients fear being "dumped" by their Ts. To hear that T has dumped her own husband is not reassuring!

[Salmon77]

I guess I don't see my T as a "relationship expert." But I also don't think that being a "relationship expert" means that you can completely avoid having problems in your own relationships. Conflicts of various kinds are going to happen no matter what, sometimes nobody's even at fault. I dunno, I'm just trying to point out that the OP is making a lot of assumptions about what it means to be divorced and I don't think they're necessarily accurate.

[LonesomeTonight]

I completely understand feeling sad for your T--I found out my marriage counselor's wife passed away a few months ago, and it sort of crushed me, partly due to my strong transference for him. Plus, he's relatively young--early 50s--with 2 teenaged kids (and I have a daughter), so it just had sort of a tragic feel to it, though she'd apparently been sick for a long time. I know that's not the same as divorce, but it's still shaped the way I see him.

The thing with divorce is that there could be so many reasons for it. It doesn't mean a failing on your T's part. Relationships end all the time--sometimes it's just a matter of incompatibility, no real fault on either side. They may have just grown apart. It doesn't mean he can't be a good T or can't advise you on relationships.

Honestly, it's easier for me to have a T that doesn't seem perfect. I struggled to connect with and trust my individual T for a long time because her life just seemed so perfect. Her H (now retired) was also a T, and they used to own the practice together. They have a few kids and grandkids and live in a nice house in a ritzy area. She just always seemed so pulled together to me, that it was hard to see how she could relate to me. I finally mentioned that to her, and she laughed and said she'd have to tell her husband, that he'd find it pretty funny. As in, she's far from perfect.

So maybe try to use this to realize your T isn't perfect, doesn't belong on a pedestal, but maybe because of his life experiences, could relate to you better?

[atisketatasket]

I don't see therapists as relationship experts. I mean, they're also supposed to be communication experts, but we all know how badly they suck at communication.

And, yeah, I'm on my second divorce, they are VERY tough. Therapists getting divorced seems like a GOOD thing to me: it means they're honest enough to admit something isn't working, they made a mistake, and now they're trying to rebuild. That's the important thing, not that they hung on in a loveless marriage because they were afraid it would ruin their reputation as "relationship experts." If they are relationship experts, they know when it's time to go. Some relationships will never work or get irreparably broken.

Sorry if this is rant-y, but some comments on this thread hit kind of close to home about divorce.

[stopdog]

I think that leaving a bad marriage/relationship is a good thing. I have actually never met a non-divorced therapist. All 4 of the ones I have seen for more than a one time visit were divorced. Two were remarried, one was on her 4-5th serious relationship and living with someone, and the other one was divorced but not remarried and had only gotten married to have children - which she said her ex-husband knew when they got married. Plus not being married does not mean being lonely or unhappy or abandoned. The first one I see now has said she does not believe people should be/need to be married to one person for life. It may be the one thing we have ever agreed on.

[CantExplain]

I'm not speaking for or against divorce. I'm just saying that I personally expect Ts to know more than I do about making a relationship work.

[stopdog]

I don't think therapists know more than I do about how to make a relationship work. Plus - perhaps they chose really wrong partners - you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

[CantExplain]

I guess I just can't let go of the idea that relationships are SUPPOSED to work.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm not speaking for or against divorce. I'm just saying that I personally expect Ts to know more than I do about making a relationship work.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think therapists know more than I do about how to make a relationship work. Plus - perhaps they chose really wrong partners - you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

And even if therapists do know better how to make a relationship work, that doesn't mean they can follow through in practice. As we're often reminded around here, they're human.

As for relationships are supposed to work, that idea has trapped millions of people in bad relationships - including with therapists. There's no supposed to about relationships.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone..just wanted to clarify I am not in any way suggesting that divorce is a failure on anyone's part. Jeez, I've considered it at times and would not have felt that either of could have tried any harder at that point. I totally agree that people grow apart, are maybe incompatible and that it is indeed often the strong and right thing to do to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Apologies if my wording offended anyone, it wasn't my intention. I guess I just had this image of T and her "perfect" family life and I admit that it I very shallow to assume that must include a husband and happy marriage.

I was just really thrown that's all. It was only yesterday and I am still digesting it. I don't assume T is lonely necessarily, just that having gone through a divorce after all those years must be sad for anyone.

And you are all right that being grown up and strong has really nothing to do with being married or not. Again my wording was a little off.

In a way I am glad I only just found out now and not at the time of the divorce. I would have been worried about T. I'm actually amazed I never picked it up, I am usually pretty good at sensing when T has stuff going on in her personal life and she usually tells me. I understand and am glad that she didn't though.

I actually always felt my last therapist was probably rather inept in his own personal relationships. LOL! He was divorced and from what I gathered had fairly regular contentious interactions with his other family members. He was rather open and honest about that. While he was working with me, he got romantically involved with a woman (I think they may have even lived together for awhile) and eventually that broke up. I kind of assumed the common link in all of this contention was him, yet despite the occasional turmoil, he was also very close to his family so it seemed to work for them somehow, so . . . . It didn't really bother me; it was just one of his quirks. It really had no effect on my therapy, so it was just info.

Despite his own apparent relationship issues, he did good work and my own marriage greatly improved much in part to his help and guidance with our own specific communication and relationship problems. So, I guess I'm saying that even a perfectly flawed, human, therapist in his own personal life can be an outstanding therapist for his clients.

[Erebos]

I just wanted to put a spin on this.

Being good at relationships also means, one knows when to stop flogging a dead horse.
My father's divorce from his first wife (before my mother).
Was very amicable, in fact they were very good friends right up until he died. However they were I'll suited as partners, after the 10 year mark.

They simply grew different interests, politics and social ideals. More significantly, they were NO longer attracted to each other, at all. And for both of them this was important.

It maybe from them that I came to believe not all relationships are meant to last forever, at least not in a fixed form. That it is possible to simply out grow someone and no amount of work will fit a square peg in a round hole.

Maybe give the power to your T and imagine that it wasn't necessarily the heart breaking affair we assume, but perhaps a life affirming one.

Just a thought. I do hope you feel ok soon, take your time to absorb the news. And how it effected you. Hopefully finding a positive in it somewhere.
All the best take care.