[retro_chic]

My session yesterday was so bad. I started off okay updating T about a few things but once we started delving deeper into things from the previous session that's when things started to take a turn for the worse. I started talking about my "good" and "bad" parts and how that relates to the one and only romantic relationship I've had. At some point though I just totally shut down and didn't want to talk anymore. I started getting upset and was barely able to string two words together - everything I said came out all jumbled and stupid sounding. That's pretty much how the rest of the session went: me silently crying and barely speaking. T said some stuff but I can't really remember what, it was pretty much just to fill the silence I think. Despite still being upset T still ended the session like she always does and I had to quickly wipe up my tears and pull myself together enough so I could pay her and leave.

I really think T has had enough of me. I heard her sigh a couple of times in session and I'm sure she was relieved to get rid of me. My idealised image of T has been shattered which is hard to deal with because that was one of my few sources of comfort. It is clear now though that T has no interest in taking care of me. I hate that she won't hug me but I understand that is one of her boundaries and feels ethically opposed to it. What I don't understand is why she never says anything reassuring or encouraging. It is obvious that I an completely on my own with this. I'm seriously considering quitting or taking a break but I am going to go my next session and talk to T about it first. I just don't see the point anymore.

[lucozader]

Sorry you've had such a hard session. It sounds like you were doing some really difficult work. Do you know what it is exactly that triggered you to shut down, or was it just the heightened emotion and painful memories in general? Not that I'm asking you to tell me, of course - I just wonder if there's some useful learning for you there.

I very much doubt that your T has had enough of you. I know that when I'm feeling particularly down on myself I have a tendency to project those feelings onto my T too, but when I look back on it in a different mood - or ask him about it, I can see that I was just looking at things through a negative lens. Of course I can't say for sure as I wasn't there and I don't know you or your T, but perhaps that could be happening for you at the moment. I'm glad you're going to talk to your T about it, anyway. I hope things work out with her - or if they don't, I hope you find a new T who you feel better about.

[Yours_Truly]

Wow. That's rough that you heard your therapist sigh. How rude of her. I would let her know you heard and how it made you feel. She needs to know she should not do this.
I just don't understand some therapists.
I'm sorry you had such a rotten session and your T behaved that way. My heart goes out to you.

[here today]

Maybe a break would be good, if things are getting too difficult. But I'm with lucozader, it sounds to me like you may have been getting close.to some difficult stuff for you and very likely your thoughts about her having had enough of you is your expectation of her and may not really be the case at all. Or maybe it is. In either case, it seems good you plan to talk about it at your next session.

[satsuma]

Do you think it would be helpful to record your sessions?
I do, and at times like you describe when you are so emotional and it's hard to hear or remember what went on, I find it very helpful to listen back a few days later when I am calmer.
For me, I have usually been able to hear that my T was trying to help me, when I listen to the recordings afterwards. Not saying that T is perfect, but for me T is always trying to help but sometimes it's been hard for me to hear that in the heat of the moment.
You *could* listen back and think yep, T was definitely being impatient and unhelpful. I suppose at least then you would be sure about it! Maybe at that point it would be time to
speak up T about what you were unhappy with, or find another T?

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by satsuma

Do you think it would be helpful to record your sessions?
I do, and at times like you describe when you are so emotional and it's hard to hear or remember what went on, I find it very helpful to listen back a few days later when I am calmer.
For me, I have usually been able to hear that my T was trying to help me, when I listen to the recordings afterwards. Not saying that T is perfect, but for me T is always trying to help but sometimes it's been hard for me to hear that in the heat of the moment.
You *could* listen back and think yep, T was definitely being impatient and unhelpful. I suppose at least then you would be sure about it! Maybe at that point it would be time to
speak up T about what you were unhappy with, or find another T?

I agree with recording. It can clarify a lot after the fact.

[growlycat]

I would love to see you interview other t's. I hope it isn't insensitive for me to say I always felt that her style was not right for you imho.

[retro_chic]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I'm still not sure how I feel about T right now. I do know that out of the three Ts I've seen for a decent amount of time, I have made the most progress with this one. Before this T I was never able to cry in session but now I cry often and I'm becoming less afraid of it. When things are good with T they're amazing but then I get sessions like these that make me question everything.

[captgut]

It was rude to sigh...
May I ask, was it the only bad session?
I had one terrible session once, my T looked very bored,he even pretended like he was sleeping...I could hear annoyance in his voice and so on.
It totally broke my heart. But we discussed this situation... He apologized...

I'm not trying to protect your T, it's her fault, but I'm sure she was in bad mood not because of you.

[retro_chic]

It wasn't like a loud sigh or anything, more like an "audible exhale" but then that's pretty much the definition of a sigh soooo yeah...

[cinnamon_roll]

sorry you had a hard time. sounds really difficult.

The way you describe how you felt in session sounds quite dissociated to me.

Whenever I'm in such a (dissociated) state I tend read my T in a way that bugs me but that doesn't necessarily conform with how things really are. I talked a lot with my T about this. The reason (for me) is that when I'm dissociated I mainly feel my 'young' feelings from when I was a little kid - the shame, the guilt, the helplessless, feeling unloved and rejected. And those feelings quite often tend to superimpose my perception of how things are between T and me in moments like this.

What helps for me: Talking to T about those feelings. That I felt xyz when we talked about abc. I find it tremendously difficult, but each time T manages to convey to me in a believable way, that seh was NOT judging me, belittleling me, or that she is not sick of hearing my same old stories...

Maybe what you perceived as a sigh was more out of empathy, but she didn't say anything because you were in a difficult place already and in moments like this compassion and empathy can also be hard to handle?
Just wondering...

Sending you warm hugs.
And please, go back to your T and talk to her about it.
Much love, c_r

[feileacan]

I am very sorry that you had a bad session that made you question everything, but isn't that really just part of the process? I don't know your story with this T and thus I might be completely off because I'm just writing based on my impressions of this single post. If that's the case then please just ignore everything, but ...

But I think such "bad" sessions are unavoidable when you are approaching difficult material. Sometimes I read this forum and get the impression that people think that therapy should always go very smoothly, the client should come away from therapy sessions feeling good and reassured. I agree that such a supportive work is one way of doing therapy but definitely not the only one. I believe that the therapy where you really want to learn something new about yourself and also change it can be a very muddy, difficult and painful process and such difficult sessions should really be no surprise there.

I personally have had tens and tens of sessions when I'm not able to talk anything (I am very avoidant), I get very upset and I leave very upset. Although I can think at that moment that why didn't my T do anything then I also know that there really isn't anything my T could have been done other than patiently sitting with me, reminding me that he is still there with me, trying to somehow get in contact with me, holding up hope for me that these things can change and generally not giving up on me. My T has sighed a lot in those sessions and I've interpreted his sighing as a sign of the difficulties he has with me and the empathy he feels about me. Somehow it is important for me to know that he occasionally has very difficult time with me but he still keeps trying, never gets impatient and that he keeps wanting to draw me out of my capsule, even though he doesn't succeed all the time.

I must also say that I am not a huge believer of reassurances or encouragement in T. I mean, these are just words. You get your words and they run out very quickly and then you need new words. However, when you are able to internalise the safe feeling with your T then you can use it any time, without having her anything to tell you. Then you just have this internal feeling that there is this one person who you can be sure wants good for you and you can draw strength and security from that. How to get there that you have this internal feeling? I think it takes a good T and a reasonable amount of time. If the T over time demonstrates again and again that he is there for you, he is on your side and he makes all his effort to understand you then slowly-slowly in time it will come.

In your case where you think that the T has had enough of you then there is really only one logical way to solve it. Bring those feelings to T and let her demonstrate you that it's not true (or, if you were right, that it is true and then you know that starting to look for a new T is a right thing to do). I must say that this situation seems in some sense very typical to me - the session felt "bad" because things got out of your control, you were not able to perform as you planned, thus you felt very vulnerable and being vulnerable is dangerous. Now something bad must happen to you, which in your case is that T has had enough of you and doesn't care about you anymore. But I think it's the opposite. The more vulnerable you are able to let your self be in the session and the more you are able to let go of control, the more the T (assuming she is a good T actually) can help you and the more she will appreciate the person you are.

[retro_chic]

Thanks again everyone for the replies, it really means a lot!

I'm slowly starting to feel a bit better so hopefully I will be able to work through this with T. It seems that every time I have a "productive" session, one of these "bad" sessions follows soon after. T made that observation last session and said how whenever we get to the next "stage" in therapy something stops me (fear probably) but I am then able to slowly work through it. I guess I could interpret that as words of encouragement/reassurance?

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

Whenever I'm in such a (dissociated) state I tend read my T in a way that bugs me but that doesn't necessarily conform with how things really are. I talked a lot with my T about this. The reason (for me) is that when I'm dissociated I mainly feel my 'young' feelings from when I was a little kid - the shame, the guilt, the helplessless, feeling unloved and rejected. And those feelings quite often tend to superimpose my perception of how things are between T and me in moments like this.

What helps for me: Talking to T about those feelings. That I felt xyz when we talked about abc. I find it tremendously difficult, but each time T manages to convey to me in a believable way, that seh was NOT judging me, belittleling me, or that she is not sick of hearing my same old stories...

Maybe what you perceived as a sigh was more out of empathy, but she didn't say anything because you were in a difficult place already and in moments like this compassion and empathy can also be hard to handle?

When I get triggered I also perceive T totally different that who he is. Behaviors that he assumes to make me feel safe I will start perceiving as proof that he is angry, etc.

Retro chic, I do think if things have been good at times with this that addressing what your experience was in that session will be positive--I agree that your T may have seen it very differently.

[coolibrarian]

I really think T has had enough of me. I heard her sigh a couple of times in session and I'm sure she was relieved to get rid of me. My idealised image of T has been shattered which is hard to deal with because that was one of my few sources of comfort. It is clear now though that T has no interest in taking care of me. I hate that she won't hug me but I understand that is one of her boundaries and feels ethically opposed to it. What I don't understand is why she never says anything reassuring or encouraging. It is obvious that I an completely on my own with this. I'm seriously considering quitting or taking a break but I am going to go my next session and talk to T about it first. I just don't see the point anymore.

There are different reasons for sighing. I found this article about it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...why-do-we-sigh

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thanks again everyone for the replies, it really means a lot!

I'm slowly starting to feel a bit better so hopefully I will be able to work through this with T. It seems that every time I have a "productive" session, one of these "bad" sessions follows soon after. T made that observation last session and said how whenever we get to the next "stage" in therapy something stops me (fear probably) but I am then able to slowly work through it. I guess I could interpret that as words of encouragement/reassurance?

Better than reassurance, it's a really positive assessment. Go you!

[Yours_Truly]

I still think therapists should be careful not to sigh while sitting across from a client. It may be unintentional, but that doesn't make it acceptable or kind. It's disparaging.
If a therapist ever sighed while with me I would be hurt and maybe even angry.

[retro_chic]

I really appreciate all the support guys!

I'm feeling much better about this whole thing now and I think things with my T should be ok once we discuss everything. I'm interested to see what her response will be when I tell her I heard her sigh - I wonder if she will admit to it?

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I'm slowly starting to feel a bit better so hopefully I will be able to work through this with T. It seems that every time I have a "productive" session, one of these "bad" sessions follows soon after. T made that observation last session and said how whenever we get to the next "stage" in therapy something stops me (fear probably) but I am then able to slowly work through it. I guess I could interpret that as words of encouragement/reassurance?

I wonder if the productive vs bad session is part of a technique that some psychoanalyst therapists use, to paralleled with a rupture and repair process.

For the first session of the week, they draw out your emotions with a neutral/blank slate stance whereby your emotions have no where to be 'absorbed', thus there is no containment. The therapist says little. All this fosters that out of control state that promotes the surfacing of fear, anger, intense emotions. These states call on the defenses, particularly dissociation with those of prone. Many of us experienced this with parents. This is the rupture

For the second session of the week, the therapist will be more supportive/less blank slate and thus more containing. Positive sounding 'mmm-hmms' are interlaced throughout the session, which help make you feel heard and understood. Interpretations are offered to help make you put the feelings (from the last session) into words and make it seem that the therapist is interested in your well being. Provides reassurance they will be there and not abandon you. Many of us did not get this from our parents. This is the repair.

Weekly session 1-more exploratory; weekly session 2-more supportive.

Curious if you see that pattern with your therapy.

My therapist always said it was problematic that I couldn't afford to come twice a week, and I always complained there was no rupture-repair process, only the rupture part. After thinking of your post, I am wondering if problems in my therapy stem from his inability to use this weekly format with me, and not being able to adapt it to somehow make the process work.

Glad to hear you are feeling better. You know, I often felt sighs in my last therapy. They didn't seem to be sighs of relief, and although I never could explain what they meant, they were positive, feel good sighs. So sighs don't always signify something negative.