[TishaBuv]

I'm just going to tell our marriage t that I want to get out and beg him to help me. My h is guilting me into submission. Even the t has been too.

Maybe I did sabotage because I have BPD, IDK, but my h did and continues to do the one thing that drove me right off the deep end.

I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't want to be here in this town anymore. I want to move away.

Please God help me out of this misery!

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I'm just going to tell our marriage t that I want to get out and beg him to help me. My h is guilting me into submission. Even the t has been too.

Maybe I did sabotage because I have BPD, IDK, but my h did and continues to do the one thing that drove me right off the deep end.

I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't want to be here in this town anymore. I want to move away.

Please God help me out of this misery!

Is there someone other than marriage t you can ask for help? It seems like a marriage t might want to talk you out of it.

Is there a way you can get away for a bit and think about how you want to proceed?

[Favorite Jeans]

I would second kecanoe's advice. If you need help getting out of your marriage, your marriage counsellor is probably not the best person to ask.

What kind of help do you think you need to leave?

[TishaBuv]

Yep. The T wouldn't even talk about helping me get out. Instead, he suggested I just find other things to do that I enjoy by day, rather than leave my h.

We told him about the final show down fight with my mother and how I don't want to talk to my parents and aunt ever again, after how I was treated. He said they are crazy, and crazy runs in my family.

He sided with my h, also assuming how women work, also misunderstanding me no matter how clearly I explain myself.

It's maddening.

I'm stuck here, not sure how to proceed, consumed with anger. I am not self medicating, I am not SH, I know I see these relationships clearly and I do not have faulty thinking.

Sitting in a chair, seething with anger, heaviness on my cheat, heat surging through my veins, no meds except Cymbalta.

I must be my own champion, find the strength to pick myself up, and rescue myself.

Is this really about your husband or is this all mixed up in the split with your family? Is this a "I'll leave him before he leaves me" thing?

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Is this really about your husband or is this all mixed up in the split with your family? Is this a "I'll leave him before he leaves me" thing?

I think Lolagrace is right. These are the questions you need to further explore. The situation with your mom may have taken a toll on your marriage. I don't know if staying with him is right or wrong, only that you need to be careful about doing something impulsive that you may regret while you are feeling so emotional. But you are smart, you will do the right thing if you proceed carefully.
PS I find it maddening when my H considers my thinking faulty; that he needs to think for me because he "knows what is best."

[LonesomeTonight]

Do you see your own T? If not, that would be a good idea. That way you could sort out your feelings with a T who is focused just on you, your wants, and your needs.

I think the only time a marriage counselor would help you leave is if, say, your H was being physically abusive or something like that.

[TishaBuv]

That's the logic that keeps me trapped here in misery.

Yes, I agree, my own T would be the right thing to do now.

Maybe I'll go ask for mood control drugs for anger. My stress level is a ten.

Meanwhile, I am trying to study for a big test. How am I able to do that at all? When I force myself to concentrate on the material, and I do enjoy it, is the only time I can relax.

My stomach is in such knots, I can't eat. I literally feel my stomach fluttering and knotting right now. The pains shooting down my back are throbbing.

And yet, my med tests come back fine, this doesn't kill me (even though I just want it to already).

[here today]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

. . .
We told him about the final show down fight with my mother and how I don't want to talk to my parents and aunt ever again, after how I was treated. . .

I must be my own champion, find the strength to pick myself up, and rescue myself.

I can really, really identify with those kinds of feelings, having (finally) realized and felt how I was not treated well by the women in my family, how maybe they/we all were . . .

Very, very hard to develop and learn how to be your own person when you don't have any kind of (biological, female) backup or examples. . .

Well, I'm not a relative but I'll still cheer you on -- go for it, Tisha!

[TishaBuv]

Thank you all for the support! As you can see, I do not get it from my family.

I took my t's advice and dragged myself out of the house. At first, I was going to the ER to ask for anti anxiety meds. My h and my sister both said 'go for it' and then my h took our son to the movies.

What is wrong with this picture, folks? They really don't care about me.

So I drove around, then stuffed my face with all the wrong foods for me. I thought death by chocolate cake would be fun for a change.

I don't think I need drugs.

I am truly dealing with very difficult, A hole people. It's really not so much me-- it's THEM.

So, the anger passed a bit, my h is out, and I'm home now.

I'm coping with a loss. Of course I'm hurt and angry. I'll give it time.

I'll try to study and relax now.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Thank you all for the support! As you can see, I do not get it from my family.

I took my t's advice and dragged myself out of the house. At first, I was going to the ER to ask for anti anxiety meds. My h and my sister both said 'go for it' and then my h took our son to the movies.

What is wrong with this picture, folks? They really don't care about me.

So I drove around, then stuffed my face with all the wrong foods for me. I thought death by chocolate cake would be fun for a change.

I don't think I need drugs.

I am truly dealing with very difficult, A hole people. It's really not so much me-- it's THEM.

So, the anger passed a bit, my h is out, and I'm home now.

I'm coping with a loss. Of course I'm hurt and angry. I'll give it time.

I'll try to study and relax now.

This all just broke my heart when I read it and I was afraid to respond because I worry about not being sensitive enough. But you were hurting and you drove around mindlessly and feeling complete emptiness. All of us at PC want to hug you. You are completely sweet at your core, one of the most insightful people here.

You are SO right about you need to give yourself time to feel and process your hurt and anger.

I am not yet completely convinced that they don't care about you.

I think you sister is in another town, that distance can take a toll on how responsive we are with our siblings (it does with me). When I see my sister face to face (like when I fly out to see her in the summer), the whole dynamic between us is so different in a good way. Are you closer when you two get together and it is only you the two of you?

I have no way to know if you and your H have slowly alienated each other because of responses to each others negative responses (have both been hurt) or if he really doesn't care. Right before my attempt, I had been feeling anger and resentment intensely. I had literally forgotten the love I used to feel for him. Being stuck in the hospital then in bed. Being unable to have sex for a while. My H backed way off because of these things and gave me space. When we started reaching out to each other again is felt like a restart in some ways. I still have days where I get aggravated and angry but things are a lot better between us. Also, my H did not have a job while we went through the beginning of this process. Does your H have a tough, consuming job? You both are getting to the age where, one day, he will retire or work less--it might really change how he focuses on you IF you two ever truly reconcile. Maybe you can't fix your marriage and do need to leave him but you have yet to write anything that completely convinces me that that is the case. Usually, when I feel very tenderly toward my H, he is very responsive to it. I worry that your insecurities about your self worth sabatoge these moments. It is a shame. From my point of view, why would he want anyone else. You are so intelligent, funny and loving. The girl he wanted to marry is still inside of you.....

Again, I am not saying--you need to stay with your H like I did--but you say he doesn't want to divorce you. Maybe you need to just learn to trust and assume that he loves you. I wonder if your insecurities make you jump to the worse conclusions ever. Sometimes our emotions make us do irrational things. <<hugs>>