getting small and feeling small

I was thinking about something in another post about feeling small around T. When I am in his office, IF we are connecting and I am feeling okay, I often sort of curl up in my favorite chair. I sometimes slip off my shoes and put my feet on the edge of the chair. This past week, during the tense sessions I took off my sweatshirt and had it wrapped around me like a blankie. I realized I was getting small, like a little kid and feeling okay about it. I also sometimes bring in a piece of beeswax with me to keep my hands busy. It really helps my inner child to feel less anxious.

When you are in the midst of your session do you ever get small physically as well as emotionally?

When I feel so small with T I take the cushion from the chair and hold it like a stuffed animal. This started in the session when I used the couch. I sat up on the couch and looked at T and then just pointed to the chair. I didn't have the words. He said, "Of course... go ahead and sit in the chair." And I took the pillow and held it tight for the rest of the session.

In winter I sometimes put my coat over me like a blanket.

This is so embarrassing, but sometimes I wish I could bring a stuffed animal with me to session. I can't hold him. I want to hold something.

Sometimes I am okay with getting small around him. I feel little and protected. Taken care of. Like the couch session. Other times I feel small in terms of feeling like stupid, weak little kid who can't measure up to T and has to let him dictate every single thing that I feel.

Sometimes I feel like that with my husband too.

No, not really. I'm overweight so I wish I would get magically smaller in session. The closest I experience to getting small in therapy is when T stands up and looms over me (he's really tall). It makes me feel really good to stand next to him when he is so big, like he is my protector or something. Plus, I like it because my husband is about my height and I am not used to having a male in my life who towers over me. I think I have kind of a primal reaction to it. Otherwise, my T tries to be at my level. He has told me before he doesn't have all the answers, that there are lots of better therapists than he (ha!!!), and that he doesn't want me to put him up on a pedestal, that he's a normal person, just like me.

Well, you know from my posts that I do feel small sometimes in there. I noticed tonight that the closer I feel toward her, the more connected, the more cared for, the more likely I am to feel small.

I have been wondering the last 2 sessions... I have always worn a sweatshirt jacket in there. I used to have it with me because I rode the bus and the bus was often cold, especially cold if it I got wet from rain! I wear this sweatshirt jacket at work all the time because I sit near an a/c vent. I like having it and I do feel wrapped in a blanket, as it is very soft on the inside. Often I have found myself (probably driving her nuts!) absent-mindedly, repeatedly doing ZZZZIIIPP / unzip, ZZZZIIIPPP / unzip, ZIP ZIP ZIP... So I'll stop it. But then my crossed leg gets going, bouncing, BOINGY, BOINGY, BOINGY. I'm afraid she's going to meet me at the door next time with a jacket of her own to put on....straight... So, anyway, the last 2 sessions the room has become increasingly warmer as time passed and has ended up pretty hot by the end of the session. It's cool/cold when I go in. Once she did say she'd turned the a/c back. (I said Thank God! I thought they were hot flashes coming back!!) Wondering if she's trying to get me out of my wrap at the same time as we're working on getting me out of my wrapped up place where I am. Symbolic emerging? Co-emerging?

Beeswax is a neat idea, sister! I like that. Thanks for sharing that!

I have often been on the verge of asking if I could pace while we talk. Sometimes it is so hard to just sit still! (and to be looked at for so long!).

Today in session when I felt small it felt good for a change, not overwhelming or shameful. It increased the feeling of connectedness for me. Very warm feeling. And I made her laugh. I LOVE it when she laughs!

In regards to distracting ourselves during sessions.... one time I brought a small book of paper and a pen..... and I scribbled while T and I talked.... and the nature of the scribbles kept changing as our conversation deepened.... There was one point in which I got angry at him and I made two really hard lines on the paper, and the lines were drawn vertically, from the bottom up, so that when I was drawing my motion on the paper was towards T.... So all of a sudden sees and hears a SCRITCH, SCRATCH of my pencil on the page... I look up... and he goes, "I can guess what those two lines meant."