[hopealwayz]

I was in crisis earlier today to the point of feeling like I near suicide's door. I was out of Seroquel and my psychiatrist wasn't in the office today and will be out tomorrow also. So, after I got off the phone of pdocs office, I emailed T and told him that I had gotten so low that I was contemplating suicide. All day and no response and by evening, I had gotten considerably worse so I called a pdoc that I visited once when I was in the pdoc search. And I also texted another T who I had seen for about 4 sessions, and I also emailed former pdoc to see if he could call in enough Seroquel to make it until my pdoc came back. That one psychiatrist called back and said that he couldn't call in my prescription because he wasn't my current doctor. The T that I texted never responded. My former T responded to say that he was unable to help with this crisis.

That was very horrible to be that low and unable to be helped by any of the above medical professionals. Maybe they didn't care if I killed myself or not.

I'm okay now.

[Demunie]

Hope -
I'm sorry you felt so awful and didn't get the support you needed. I wish I could say something useful. I'm sure they would care.
Do you have a GP that could prescribe you your seroquel? Is there a helpline you could call if you feel so low again? I know it's an awful feeling, but I think it's better than nothing.

About your T... Please don't be upset by this, I don't want to be insulting: Maybe your T didn't respond because then you'd realise that it's a way to get him to contact you, although he normally wouldn't. It's his boundary that he doesn't respond. Maybe you could discuss with him what to do in such a situation? Do you have an emergency plan?

Please try to stick with this T for a little longer - you really seemed liked him and you felt like you clicked. Try not to be self destructive here...

Why do you not pick up the phone and actually call this new therapist rather than email? Email honestly isn't for emergencies. Does he not have a phone? I'm confused.

[RainyDay107]

I know the main issue is your T, but you mentioned being out of Seroquel. Do you have a new rx or a refill due? If not, your pharmacy likely can give you a few days supply if you've filmed it thru them.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Emailing your new T isn't working. He probably never responds to emails. You need to call; not email. And maybe he doesn't even take phone calls? Some Ts will only communicate with you in session. They might not allow ANY out of session contact. That doesn't mean they don't care. It means it's a boundary.

What are some coping skills you can use while waiting to see your T? You can't solely rely on others to help you.

I'm not sure how you ran out of meds?
I think we have a level of self responsibility.
I know I need meds. So I make sure I get them refilled in a, timely fashion.
I think feeling suicidle is common in the mental health field. I discuss it honestly in session.

Hope, this T told you from the beginning that he doesn't do outside session contact yet you keep pushing that envelope and emailing him anyway. You cancelled one appointment for financial reasons and then turned around and asked for another and was upset when he didn't have availability. You had an extra appointment finally scheduled and then you slept through it. Then you are upset again when he doesn't reply even though, remember, he said from the beginning he doesn't do outside contact. I would assume that certainly means not emailing, particularly in a crisis. My guess is that in an actual crisis he would prefer a phone call. Email is not how most therapists and pdocs would handle crisis situations. Just seems like you are purposefully testing the fences to see if you can break through rather than following this therapists preferred guidelines for communication.

You work yourself into a frenzy trying to get responses from just anyone, declare no one cares, and then suddenly you are okay which begs the question of whether you were really in crisis or whether the crisis was your way of creating a reason for contact and testing people.

You do seem to need therapy, but it is going to require you keep the appointments you do get, work with your therapist in session on a plan for handling actual emergencies and skills on how to maintain between sessions.

Someone mentioned that perhaps you need to find a program that you can check in every other day or so, not necessarily for therapy but just for contact. Also, if you are truly in suicidal crises, the ER is perhaps an option if you think you need meds.

[Gettingitsoon]

Lolagrace gave some really fine thoughts to consider.

I hope you will. What you're doing now isn't working for you at all.

[Salmon77]

Maybe you could find the number of a crisis hotline for the next time you're feeling low.

Lolagrace's post is very good.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that e-mail is not a good option for a crisis. Particularly if this T said he doesn't allow outside contact. If you're truly feeling suicidal, you need to either go to the ER or call a crisis hotline. I know that my T, marriage counselor, and p-doc's office voice mails start by saying "if this is an emergency, to go to the ER or call 911." Because they know they may not be immediately available. My T and MC do allow outside contact, and even the couple times I've called them on their cell in the middle of the night when I was in crisis, they started by asking if it was an emergency/if I needed to go to the ER (I didn't think I did in either case--talking to them for a few minutes was enough to get me through). So even if you did reach your T, he might just send you to the ER anyway.

It sounds like maybe you need to find a T who does allow outside contact. If you stick with current T, then talk to him about what to do if you're in crisis.

If you're out of meds, I'm guessing the ER may be able to help. You also need to keep track of your meds so that if you're close to running out, you can contact your p-doc to get a new prescription. As someone mentioned, pharmacy might be able to give you a couple days' worth to help you get by.

[doogie]

Hope, I totally agree with Lolagrace and Mouse. It seems to me that you really need to start taking some responsibility for your some of your own self-care. It doesn't mean that T doesn't care. It doesn't mean that people on this board don't care - it just means that you have to care enough about yourself to do active things to try and care for yourself. And, I'm sorry to say this, but actively reaching out to Ts who have said that outside contact via email is not an option is not active self care. Actions like that are demonstrate that you are still trying to get others to care for you.

You are in a really bad cycle, Hope. I know myself how awful it feels to feel like a T or someone else who is important to me doesn't care if I live or die. It hurts. It really, really hurts. I get that. I really, really do. I just hope that you realize that the actions that you take while you are hurt are just making things worse for yourself and in the process pushing away the very people you want and need to help you.

Hope, I really don't mean to sound harsh and you DO have support here, but no one on this board would truly be supporting you or being a good friend to you if we weren't honest with you or if continued to encourage or support what seems like destructive behavior. I truly wish you the best and I want the best for you. I hope so much you can get the help and caring you deserve AND that you can can start loving and helping yourself as well.

I agree with lolagrace's post 100%. Hope, I am not sure how to say this and am hesitant... but from following your posts for a while, I kinda have the feeling that what you crave probably more than anything is being able to influence your therapists to give you special treatment and attention. But you don't seem to want to use the availability in the form and when it is offered appropriately. I have the feeling if you continue to seek "help" the way you do, you will most likely really never find it from a therapist and the more you push them this way, the more they will withdraw.

The idea of getting into an intensive program might be a good one but if you approached it similarly, I imagine even that would not satisfy you much because you tend to focus on what's missing rather than what is being offered to you.

[SilentMelodee]

I agree with what everyone else has said. We have seen it before. Keep pushing T's boundaries, and they may send a person packing. I am on meds too, always make sure you're on top of it, and make sure, with a week's worth left, that you get a new script to be filled on your refill date. Then you won't run out. And if you are in severe crisis, please call the national suicide hotline. That's what they are there for, and they will talk you through it, as long as it takes. You're going to just push your T away if you continue to do what you're doing.

[JaneTennison1]

We just get louder when we don't feel heard. His boundary seems to make you feel unheard and so you seem to be escalating the level of crisis you are in. I'm not sure what the solution to this is, I just wish you well.

[SilentMelodee]

On my T's Email signature, and on the websites or contracts of Ts I have seen in the past, it says Email is not to be used in a crisis situation, and their signature or website may have the number for the national, or local, suicide hotline. You are in a great deal of pain, Hope, and I'm sorry for that. Many of us are too. But I think your T could see your actions as being manipulative, and for your sake and theirs, they may not want to feed this behavior by replying or answering questions like "do you care" or "do you wish to continue seeing me." If you are in severe crisis, I would call your T's office number perhaps, leave a message to make them aware of your situation, then call a hotline and talk to someone. Your T may be trying to teach you how to figure out how to get through these situations on your own. I don't want to see you end up having to find yet another T because this one decides to let you go. Unfortunately, I'm seeing the same pattern as your last T, and he ended up quitting on you, and causing you a great deal of pain. Just trying to help you see so that you don't fall into that situation again. Who do you live with Hope? Is there anyone you live with who might be able to help you find resources/phone numbers when you are feeling so paralyzed in your thoughts? Or perhaps when you are feeling "ok," perhaps you could find these numbers yourself and keep them on an index card for when you need them. Do you work or go to school? (I don't know how old you are or what your situation is). Immerse yourself in something....whether it be work or school work, or go for a walk, play with a pet if you have one, do SOMETHING to help work yourself out of times like that. That is where your T is trying to get you, I'm sure. We all need to try to practice self care, because our Ts aren't always going to be around (or willing) to do it for us. It's not their job. It's their job to teach us how to be more self sufficient. JMO... I feel for you, I really do.

Originally Posted by SilentMelodee

On my T's Email signature, and on the websites or contracts of Ts I have seen in the past, it says Email is not to be used in a crisis situation, and their signature or website may have the number for the national, or local, suicide hotline. You are in a great deal of pain, Hope, and I'm sorry for that. Many of us are too. But I think your T could see your actions as being manipulative, and for your sake and theirs, they may not want to feed this behavior by replying or answering questions like "do you care" or "do you wish to continue seeing me." If you are in severe crisis, I would call your T's office number perhaps, leave a message to make them aware of your situation, then call a hotline and talk to someone. Your T may be trying to teach you how to figure out how to get through these situations on your own. I don't want to see you end up having to find yet another T because this one decides to let you go. Unfortunately, I'm seeing the same pattern as your last T, and he ended up quitting on you, and causing you a great deal of pain. Just trying to help you see so that you don't fall into that situation again. Who do you live with Hope? Is there anyone you live with who might be able to help you find resources/phone numbers when you are feeling so paralyzed in your thoughts? Or perhaps when you are feeling "ok," perhaps you could find these numbers yourself and keep them on an index card for when you need them. Do you work or go to school? (I don't know how old you are or what your situation is). Immerse yourself in something....whether it be work or school work, or go for a walk, play with a pet if you have one, do SOMETHING to help work yourself out of times like that. That is where your T is trying to get you, I'm sure. We all need to try to practice self care, because our Ts aren't always going to be around (or willing) to do it for us. It's not their job. It's their job to teach us how to be more self sufficient. JMO... I feel for you, I really do.

[Yellowbuggy]

Hope - I'm going to ask you to walk through a thought experiment with me.

In your last post regarding your T's lack of response to your email, you said "I just want one sign that he cares!" I believe this is at the root of your distress. You do not feel that anyone cares, so you keep testing people to see if they do - and when they don't respond, your distress about their lack of caring escalates and you seek further reassurance that they care (or proof that they don't care, which you believe to be true).

You are terrified that nobody cares about you. You are currently focused on the fact that your T does not care about you. Now, imagine for a moment that this is true. What does that mean to you? Does it reiterate your internal belief that you are not worthy of being cared for? If so, why do you think you may feel that way? What happened in your life that made you feel as though you are not worthy of being cared for?

Your current T has not known you for long. To be completely honest, I can't imagine that he would care about you any more than he would someone else he just met. But that doesn't mean YOU'RE not worthy of being cared for.

I had to develop strong boundaries to protect myself from people whose needs I could not fulfill growing up. I did this with the help of therapy. This often meant the equivalent of not responding to distressed emails from individuals who needed me to fulfill their needs. It was hard, but I did it because I had to learn how to protect myself so that I could be of actual help to them. That doesn't mean I didn't care about those who needed me (though this is how they often interpreted it), but rather that I cared about myself and my ability to truly help them.

[AllHeart]

Hi Hope - Sorry you are struggling so greatly. I agree with what most others have said here and I think it's a great idea for you to put a self-care plan in place, if you can and want. Maybe write out what you should do when you are feeling suicidal (ie. call a crisis hotline (have the number ready), go to the ER, or whatever it is that helps you). Make a note as to the time of month you need to get your meds re-filled a week ahead of time so you don't run out. Write out what makes you feel good about yourself. Have you ever made a vision board? Just thinking of ideas.

Another idea is to find a supportive group to join. I started attending Al Anon meetings a few months ago and it has helped me so much. Al Anon actually offers support and tools for everyday living. Meetings are limitless, plus you can get partnered up with someone for one-on-one support during the week. It's kind of like free therapy. So, Al Anon is great. Codependents Anonymous is supposed to be a good support group, too. I'm sure there are many others. If you want help finding a support group of some type, I would be happy to help you if you want, so shoot me a PM if you are interested.

[Yellowbuggy]

... one more comment about this thought experiment.

I read a powerful little book called "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" when I was younger. In one of the chapters they reflected on the Buddhist teaching of freedom from attachment. In this teaching they discuss imagining that the worst case scenario has come true. By facing it in your imagination, you are better prepared to handle it if/when it becomes a reality.

Here's a quick link to the content: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff · MoveMe Quotes

If I were to apply the teachings of this lesson to your situation, I would ask myself to imagine that my T doesn't care about me. It's a form of exposure therapy. You're so afraid that he doesn't care and that feeling of being uncared for is intolerable. Imagine for a moment that it's true: he doesn't care about you. Say it out loud to yourself. Go through the emotions you would experience if you learned that it was true. I feel confident that it will become less frightening over time because you will have increased your exposure to it - and thus your ability to tolerate it.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Another idea is to find a supportive group to join. I started attending Al Anon meetings a few months ago and it has helped me so much. Al Anon actually offers support and tools for everyday living. Meetings are limitless, plus you can get partnered up with someone for one-on-one support during the week. It's kind of like free therapy. So, Al Anon is great. Codependents Anonymous is supposed to be a good support group, too.

I second this, was going to suggest myself just forgot. These peer support groups are also good in that you can interact with people who are in the same boat, and a variety from those who struggle to those who have managed to overcome these challenges. It's a bit like PC but more focused on specific problem areas and there is the added effect of interacting directly with local people. You can go to meetings whenever you want, even multiple per day if needed. Members also often form friendships and engage in other activities together. I used different peer support groups for my addiction and they were very helpful, in fact more than therapy, to tackle that particular issue. There is also the aspect of not keeping "professional" boundaries, although I found people who had healthy boundaries most helpful even in that context.

[RainyDay107]

Hope, how are you doing?

[hopealwayz]

Not well

[hopealwayz]

Obviously, I'm a burden on everyone. Everybody would be better off without me.

[kecanoe]

Not feeling burdened here. I feel bad for you and hope you use the forum as much as you want. I think that the people who have responded here do really care and are trying to help. I am sorry you are not getting what you need.

i understand how youre feeling. i have been like that all week this week, and trying to reach out to my t also, but no response. its hard to feel this bad, and feel that no one is going to help.