Your therapist?

A lot of fear will be expressed here (at least I can see it). So if you don't like fear, do not continue.

I'm not at all sure I should post this. I have expressed similar thoughts before on this forum. I just repeat myself. Maybe I should just keep my own counsel. Obviously there is a lot of fear still, and I am dumping it on you.

Eeek! Scream! Waaah!

OK, I'm back. Sort of. The fear causes me to lose touch with my real thoughts and I feel confused. Writing things out helps me to organize and understand what I am doing.

For those of you who have been "abused" in one way or another (maybe that is everyone here; otherwise why would you be in therapy), how many of you have therapists who are willing to go into the terrifying stuff with you and don't shy away from it?

How many have therapists who do shy away from some of the buried stuff?

Of my therapist, I am not sure. He is encouraging when I tell him about my own efforts to explore the things that are frightening me, but then sometimes in session when I feel I am nearing something important, he says something that results in my losing track of it, something that gets me off track. I feel maybe he does not want to deal with some things. Maybe he senses something coming up that causes him anxiety. Maybe if he started to realize "the truth" (as I see it), he would panic because it is so daunting...

Here's one example. It may seem silly and trivial to you. At the end of a recent session, after I had talked a lot about things that were making me anxious, with "real" thoughts beginning to surface, I found myself shaking a little. I told him about it, and he said he had noticed something. He asked if it were because it was cold in the room. It was, only somewhat. I told him that I didn't think that was the reason.

After the session, it occurred to me what a "dumb" thing that was to ask me. OF COURSE my shaking was not due to the temperature. It wasn't a MISTAKE that I brought the subject up. Did he not want to see what was coming up?

On some level I already "know" the answers to the questions that I am posing. It's that I'm afraid of them, and my mind tries to avoid. I need to confront my T with my concerns. To some extent I have. His response is not clearcut. At least, I don't see it clearly. And if he is sometimes trying to avoid seeing the truth, as I am, what then? Sometimes I feel like quitting (running away). I wonder if I have the maturity now to cope with what I perceive may be the truth, whether I stay or run...

My therapist is willing to go into the "yucky" stuff as we call it. However, sometimes I really need her to nudge me/push me... It lets me know that she cares and really does want to do this with me. But she *won't* push - I feel like she lets it drop too easily. She's scared to push because she's never dealt with a person with MPD... And doesn't want to make us 'shut down', but I need to get the "yucky" stuff out, and it's hard to do that without a nudge...
I think it's best to talk it out... mention your concerns. Ask him if he's comfortable getting into the buried stuff, and what you both can do to make that easier.

some therapist want you to process stuff while being present i think. maybe getting you to notice your shaking was a way to bringing you present.

I do think you should talk to your T about your concern though. Maybe he can tell you his view on processing trauma.

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some therapist want you to process stuff while being present

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Yes, I have experienced this as well. Perhaps what appears to be avoidance to you is a deliberate therapeutic intervention by him. Sometimes my T guides me away from talking about certain things and sometimes I feel like he's pushing me into it. I know he said that it does not do any good to be retraumatized and if he perceives that is happpening he will guide me elsewhwere! Processing and integrating the trauma needs to be done in small pieces when both of you are ready. I remember T saying to me that "We will integrate that stuff when we are ready in amounts we can handle." Remember, this is a "we" process -- and T has to be ready in that moment as well.

I think you should discuss your concerns and maybe T can shed some light on that session.

Take care and good luck.

My T is just like yours Pachyderm. However, when I needed to go deeper, he listened intently and one time said it made him sad for me.

I'll never forget this one time, I was telling him about a time when I took a bunch of Excedrin (I know icky!).

His response was 'when men try to kill themselves they go for a gun, with women, they go for pills'. I wanted to shout 'so I should've gone and got one of my dad's guns? I'm confused here.

I never did address that with him. It was last year and some time ago. This post reminded me of that.

If I try to stay in the past, he brings me back to the present. He doesn't think it helps to dwell. Sometimes I want to go back and I can tell he doesn't. I try anyway

My therapist never pushes me into talking about the hard stuff. But he will ask, "can you stay with it a little longer?" if we are in deep and I start to dissociate. We are currently doing something really hard - when a younger part tells what is happening (an abuse episode), he will tell her he is right there and then ask her if she can say "get off". He always says if she can't , he can and will. But he wants her (me) to try. Believe me, it is scary as heck to try and think about breaking the rules by talking or moving.

But he will intervene if I'm clearly losing it or shutting down. And we go slow and cover lots of other stuff too. I should say here that we are doing intensive depth therapy so I see him a lot. I imagine it must be hard to open up the hard stuff and then have to shut it down again for a week.

I agree with everyone else - talk to your therapist about how you are feeling. Sometimes when I think mine doesn't want to talk about something, it is really me who doesn't want to talk about it.

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MsLittleSister said:
...talk to your therapist about how you are feeling. Sometimes when I think mine doesn't want to talk about something, it is really me who doesn't want to talk about it.

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<blockquote>I'm reminded of a poem...

<blockquote><blockquote><center><font color=800000>The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer</font></center></blockquote></blockquote>

I'm inclined to think that a therapeutic relationship "should" be supportive. That means that you set the pace, you develop the direction and the therapist, ideally, supports you in going where you want/need to go.

I think you should trust your guts on this -- you're sensing hesitation on the part of your therapist and feeling some disconnection (i.e., he couldn't identify that your shaking was due to the release of emotion, not because you were cold.) In turn, this brings up hesitation in you. You wonder, is it "safe" for me to go here with this person? Can they handle it? Will I empty my guts only to discover I'm on my own with my guts spilled out all over the place?

Often, there is a great deal of shame and self-loathing attached to traumatic experience as well so it's vitally important that we choose carefully in terms of who we spill our guts to. Whoever they are, they have to be someone that we feel can "still respect us in the morning".

Somewhere in this forum I read an account of a woman whose therapist took her in her arms at some point during a difficult session and just held her. Therapists are not supposed to do this, of course, but being held and loved was exactly what she needed in that moment. I thought her therapist responded quite beautifully and authentically to where she was at. True healing can take place in these junctures.

I'm thinking too of a young man I kept company with for a while. We spoke of many things and connected on a lot of human levels. Something we didn't do was directly address the topic of his abuse, yet it was acknowledged that we both knew the wound was there. I think my task was simply to witness it and for him to know that I had.

There are different theories as to what is the best means of dealing with and healing from traumatic experience. I'm guessing you have at least passing familiarity with them as does your therapist -- the important thing to establish is, are you on the same page? As you note, you "know" where you need to go. You probably have some idea of what you'll "need" when you go there. I see what's going on as a means of testing the waters...<font color=800000>I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.</font>

Talk to your therapist? Yes, by all means. But if the answer you get is "No" when what you need is "Yes"... it may mean that this therapist is not the one you need.

Additional Resources Related to Trauma &amp; Healing:
[*] Trauma &amp; Recovery[*] Recovering Body &amp; Soul from PTSD[*] Waking the Tiger

Stick with it, imo.

It's a process of things unfolding.

When I feel like quitting is when I make sure I go. I just talked to T about this Thursday because I didn't want to go. I told her I will, that part of my commitment to this is to come when I don't feel like it and that I think in the past I have not gone or have even quit. She encouraged me to come at those times and "sit with the process".

So, keep talking. Talk about this. Sit with the process.

SpiritualEmergency,

That is a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it.

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I think my task was simply to witness it

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I remember once when I needed to cry or tell a story and T asked what I needed from him at that moment and I told him to just sit and listen, and he did. I just needed his presence.

I know that we want our T's to "walk through the fire" with us and that is the essence of the relationship. But it is also part of the essence for T to help us with the timing of our walk. In any case, communication surrounding the process is in order.

IMO, A T. surely needs to be right there with us when we are ready to 'walk the fire'. They should have a vigour that matches the seriousness of what we are talking about. So the importance is acknowledged. It seems such a lame response to ask if you are cold, - in those circumstances. He may have had an off moment, but I think, if his response when you bring it up is that he takes it appropriately seriously, then ok, but if he doesnt get the seriousness, can he be really healing for you to go there unsupported? As has been said already here..

good luck with this, its so hard to have to fight for ones needs when your already dealing with trauma!

riverx

Just to acknowledge the frustration and disappointment of finding out your therapist isn't with you where you thought he was and takes you out of a deep moment. Everybody else's advice sounds good.