[chihirochild]

Blargh. WHY? Maybe I am some kinda idiot. *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm*

The email is below if anyone wants to read. (I put it in a quotey-box for ease of reading.)

I feel funny sending you these long things to read. I think I’m more precise and less afraid when I write to you, but I also want to be respectful of your time. I don’t know how you usually handle this but I’m happy to end my sessions earlier or have you read these emails in session so that I’m not taking up so much of your time outside of the hours when you’re actually responsible for engaging with my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway. I don’t get the sense that you set much store in dreams, but here this is anyway in case it’s useful.

For the first time in nearly two years of therapy, you appeared in a dream I had. It was long and convoluted and I don’t really remember most of it, but the feelings I do remember are powerful. It started off on a cruise ship… I was taking a vacation with my parents for ~two weeks on a cruise to somewhere warm (undefined), and I was spending nearly every day sleeping in and sitting outside by the pool in the sun. As the vacation came to an end, I regretted not having done more; I felt as if I had wasted this opportunity to travel/explore (I hadn’t even explored inside of the cruise ship itself). Also it turned out that my friend James was on the cruise ship with his family as well and he wanted us to hang out… but I had kept putting him off, and I couldn’t find a phone number for him, and then when I finally found one it turned out that it was maybe for his parents’ house instead, and then I couldn’t figure out how to dial the phone on the cruise ship, etc. etc. etc. (stupid yet frustrating situations that I can’t get myself out of are common in my dreams).

The next thing I remember is sitting in front of you in your office relaying the story, tears streaming down my face. (In the dream, this “cruise ship” situation had actually happened to me, and I was very upset about it—guilt, regret.) You put both of your hands on my knee and we sat in silence until I calmed down. You wiped the tears from my cheeks with your fingers and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I felt immensely comforted, but I also began to wonder if I were dreaming or awake because this isn’t typical of how we interact. Then you leaned back in your chair and told me about how you used to review cruise ships for a living, and asked me a few questions about various aspects of the vacation. And then (I have either forgotten how this came up in conversation or it was one of those dream-logic things that happens) you told me that you had once been deeply hurt by a man that you’d loved for a long time, and that this is why you’d decided to be open to being attracted to women. (This was a disclosure, not a come-on.) It was at this point that I knew for certain I must be dreaming (you don’t tend to say much about yourself in our sessions, so all of this personal sharing seemed totally incongruous with reality) and woke up.

If I’m remembering correctly, your usual response to me when I tell you about a dream I've had is, “what do you think it means?” So here goes:

Regarding the first bit… I think I’m afraid of getting to the end of my life and feeling a great deal of regret. I’m 28 years old and I don’t think I have ever been in love. (I feel ashamed about that—I think it reflects poorly on my social skills/“normality;” it makes me feel both unlovable and socially incompetent. Sometimes I also feel afraid that this will never happen for me because I am ****ed up in this particular way.) Ever since I was a teenager, I have allowed my education/art/work to take up most of my time and energy. I don’t really know how a life should be lived and I am afraid of doing things wrong so I bury myself in my occupation (or other numbing activities) so much that I don’t really have time to ask the question. This has become so true that I don’t even know what to do with myself when I have an afternoon off. (And/or maybe I’m afraid of getting to the end of therapy with you and feeling like so much has gone unexplored? Unclear.)

About the part that takes place in your office, there are a few things that feel like they could be relevant. I think the bit about you telling me about yourself has to do with me being curious about who you are as a person. It’s very odd to know another person (and to have them know you in such a psychologically intimate way) without actually knowing anything about them. The funny thing is that I’m not even sure that I would want to know these things about you (your family, your daily life, etc.) even if you were comfortable sharing them. Therapy is weird.

I’m not sure what do do with the content of dream-T disclosure (i.e. what would it mean for me to hear about the ways in which you've been hurt, to learn about your sexual/romantic preferences?). You’ve been careful to make sure that I don’t feel like I have to take care of you, or protect you from what I think and feel; this has been something of a novel experience. I am conscious of some maternal transference towards you, not because you and my mother are particularly alike but because of the role you play in my life. I’m not aware of any erotic transference, though, so I’m not sure what to make of the bit about dream-T romantic interest in women. I don’t tend to be attracted to women (I rate a one or a two on the Kinsey scale) and the dream didn’t feel sexual (though, as the mind-mechanics like to say, God only knows what’s going on under the hood). Why would this be relevant to me, then? Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s struggles with sexuality? Or something else?

And about the physical contact in the dream… I would be wildly uncomfortable if anyone (except maybe my best friend or her mom) got up in my personal space like that. But, as we’ve discussed many times before, I do long to feel comforted. It’s funny that even though this is something that I sometimes I want from you (sometimes I am desperate for a moment of relief from suffering; maybe I am in some way trying to orchestrate a corrective experience), I have yet to actually ask you to give me a hug or to sit next to me. I’m too afraid you’ll say no. (And also I realize that touch can be a powerful thing, and am afraid to do anything that might make me more attached to/dependent on you… plus it seems like therapy might not be the right place to fulfill unmet needs b/c of boundaries, sustainability, etc... not to mention the fact that I trust your judgement; certainly if you thought that touch that would help me you would have done so already?)

Anyway, all of this can obviously wait until Monday, but I wanted to get it down while I still remembered it. I’m embarrassed that this is email has turned out to be so long (it feels, I dunno, self-involved?), but it seems silly not to send it now that I’ve written it.

[satsuma]

I'm sorry that you feel bad!
I think there are advantages and disadvantages of sending emails. The main advantage for me is to be able to "touch base" with T outside of sessions, and also to communicate to T if something has come up. My T would usually give me a short reply by email, to let me know he is there and has read the messags, and would then bring it up in the next session to give us the chance to discuss it properly.
I think the disadvantage is in case you get upset, as in this case, and that T might take a while to reply and during that time it is upsetting, thinking that T might not reply. And another disadvantage is that you can't really discuss things at length by email and T is unlikely to send a lengthy response.
I think that I'm the end it will be fine, hopefully T will reply and that will help you to feel better, and then you can discuss things more in your next session.

[brillskep]

Very interesting and thoughtful dream analysis! I think it's very rich material to discuss in your therapy and I feel like you've been very respectful about it. It can also be an opportunity to discuss your therapist's availability and boundaries around email. Good luck!

I agree with brillskep. I emailed my last therapist long analyses like that all the time and he always welcomed them. Would not respond in a similar way but we discussed them in session if I was still interested. Sometimes I no longer felt a need to follow up and it was enough to just express it in a one-sided way.

My first therapist varied a lot in how he viewed longer expressive emails, sometimes he would say he did not want me to email them but take them to session and read to him. I never liked to do that. Other times he encouraged the emails, so it was a bit complicated. In any case, it's a good opportunity to discuss. Good luck!

[chihirochild]

Thanks, all, for your responses--I feel much less freaked out after sleep + normalization

My T and I have settled into a comfortable pattern with emails--if I feel really terrible, I send her a short email (a few sentences) which she'll respond to within 12 hours or so. If it's bad and she has time, she'll offer me an extra session the next day; if it's really bad, she'll call.

In the past few weeks, I've gotten into the habit of sending her longer emails for us to discuss in sessions (this started when she gave me a writing assignment and asked me bring it in to session, and has continued because I'm having a sort of lull at school/work so I have much more free time than usual). She doesn't reply to these emails, but I don't mind because it makes much more sense for us to discuss these in person (and also because I know that if I was in crisis, she would respond). I've never sent her anything this long though (usually it's just a paragraph or two), which is why I brought up the "how are we going to do this" bit.

I really hope she doesn't want me to read them aloud, or have her read them aloud in front of me. I am 100% okay with her not reading them until she's "on the clock," but I don't want to have to hear my writing aloud :/

[velcro003]

i love that email! My T tells me that I am an expressive writer (as are you), and she welcomes my emails. I have never written such a long one before, but I doubt your T will mind.

Also you are brave to bring up such sensitive topics!

My T has tried to read my emails out loud, and I shout at her NO! and she listens

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Thanks, all, for your responses--I feel much less freaked out after sleep + normalization

My T and I have settled into a comfortable pattern with emails--if I feel really terrible, I send her a short email (a few sentences) which she'll respond to within 12 hours or so. If it's bad and she has time, she'll offer me an extra session the next day; if it's really bad, she'll call.

In the past few weeks, I've gotten into the habit of sending her longer emails for us to discuss in sessions (this started when she gave me a writing assignment and asked me bring it in to session, and has continued because I'm having a sort of lull at school/work so I have much more free time than usual). She doesn't reply to these emails, but I don't mind because it makes much more sense for us to discuss these in person (and also because I know that if I was in crisis, she would respond). I've never sent her anything this long though (usually it's just a paragraph or two), which is why I brought up the "how are we going to do this" bit.

I really hope she doesn't want me to read them aloud, or have her read them aloud in front of me. I am 100% okay with her not reading them until she's "on the clock," but I don't want to have to hear my writing aloud :/

I think this is a good plan, and there's no reason for you to feel terrible. You can just ask her to read during session rather than reading it out loud. I've done that when I didn't want to read aloud. My T didn't bat an eye.