[subtle lights]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this to the right place. And it's so embarrasing to talk about it...
I started therapy not long ago, had two session only until now. Since the last one though I started catching myself having this constant mental monologue, telling stuff to my therapist in my head. Now when I'm alone (and I'm alone a lot), this is going on almost all the time. I catch myself telling my life story to him as the imaginary adience.This is getting really obssessive, and I feel somewhat ashamed of this. Like I'm so desperate that I am obsessed with him...which I am not.

This is not a new thing for me, I have this issue when becoming attached to someone, it's like I'm imagining they are with me and I'm sharing my experiences with them in my head. It's not very conscious always.
Currently I'm struggling with depresson and anxiety attacks, and my thoughts are exhausting me already. I'm trying to accept them because fighting against thoughts never helps, but then I find myself again doing this mental storytelling...Aaargh

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hey, subtle.

I'm glad you made this post, because I find myself doing a similar thing...for me, it's about that feeling of being heard. I've found my tendency lessens if I write it out, so I try to write in my journal every evening at least...and I'll make sure I write immediately after my session, because otherwise I end up too damn tired to follow through if I wait.

You're not alone. Keep posting, if it helps.

Take care,

LOTT

[captgut]

I can relate. I keep talking with my T in my mind most of the time.

[subtle lights]

Yes, I think in my case it's also partially about the need to be heard. So I'm constantly explaining stuff to my therapist in my head, because then I can take for example a story about what happened to me in kindergarten and take it to pieces for as long as I want to. There is no time limit, no pressure, and no expectation from my T to tell him whatever. And then the day of my appointment comes and I'm sitting there frustrated because I have this expectation that it would be like in my "imaginary sessions" but it's not. Well, maybe that's good, he is trying to bring me back to the present moment. Also I don't feel safe with him yet, I am afraid to be too open. Hope this will change though

[SoConfused623]

I can totally relate. I used to have my T with me in my mind for absolutely everything including very intimate moments. I would always be thinking, "What would T think of this? What would she think of that?" Then we had a rupture and a lot of that obsessive thinking subsided. I used to have her on a pedestal and after the rupture, she became more human and I don't think that she's so awesome anymore, just like a regular person. I think due to the rupture that I don't feel like I need to share every detail of my life with her so the mental storytelling while still there, has greatly subsided.

Good Topic!

[Kk222]

I can also relate to this. I have not been in therapy long either but it's always on my mind now. It's very frustrating and drives me crazy buy if I don't hear the constant chatter about this then it would be about something else!

[junkDNA]

I do this. Sometimes I actually hear a voice I call the therapist. It constantly asks me what I am feeling, how am I doing. It's actually pretty annoying to me. Because it gets stuck in that loop of the same questions over and over.

I also spend a lot of time rehashing conversations I've had. And I imagine conversations I want to have but never do

[RainyDay107]

I do that and resolve a lot of issues that way.

I do this too. For me I can see a correlation with attachment. For the first year or so I didn't feel at all attached to my T and it didn't happen but since I became attached to him, I do it all the time. I get some of it out of my system by posting on the 'dear T' thread but I think it's quite a normal by product of my therapy to be honest. It it bothers you it's worth having a conversation with your T.

[anais_anais]

Hi everyone, I am new as well and made an account specifically because I've never seen this discussed before and it's such a big part of my life...

I do this too. I've done it my whole life, it is one of my earliest recollections-- addressing all my thoughts to someone in my head. Always male, always a mentor figure, usually older, sometimes with a tinge of eroticism, sometimes not. Right now it's my T, but when I was very young, it was usually a fictional character from a favorite book or film. I would talk to them all day and fall asleep by telling myself elaborate and fantastic stories about them rescuing me from my family.

As I grew older the fictional men transitioned into real men in my life who mentored me, which is also rescuing in a sense... before my current T, it was a professor who was important to me, and that relationship dissolved shortly before my therapy began a little over a year ago, so I suppose the transfer to T was natural. I can tell you that every time the recipient of my mental narrative has shifted to a new person, it's massively stressful, like a civil war in my head. It's not a smooth transition.

My best guess is that I created a person to be intimate with throughout the day because I could not safely expect this from my father. Interestingly, there's another parallel narrative that goes on: for each task I undertake during the course of the day, no matter how big or small, I hear my parents telling me all the reasons I shouldn't or can't do it. I told my T about this just last week (he doesn't know about my male mentor narrative, it's a shameful thing for me) and he wondered if I might try replacing the negative commentary in my parents' voices with supportive words in his voice, or the voice of my other T. I guess he doesn't know how close to home that struck It would probably be helpful to be able to discus this with him but as I said, I've always been very ashamed of it. I've never told anyone about it til now.

Anyway, hello everyone!

[lucozader]

I do this a lot. Though to be fair I am totally obsessed with my T. I don't think you should be hard on yourself about it - I think it's a good way of reflecting on and processing things.

[woe-be-gone]

Don't worry. Don't be embarrassed and certainly do not panic about the constant mental storytelling. This is something I have done my entire life (being an introvert and a very reserved, quiet kid). I always thought it was a very normal human tendency actually but am now realizing that it is probably the one way I managed to express myself freely without the fear of judgement from others.

Take it as a good sign that you are allowing yourself to express your thoughts, stories and feelings. It is always healthy to try and write them down because thoughts can get overwhelming and muddled really fast. If you aren't much of a writer, find a private place or even stand in front of the mirror and speak out loud. Sometimes I even like to record it just so that I get the feeling that what I think and say actually matters and isn't just some crazy idea in my head. And if it is some crazy idea, saying it out loud immediately diminishes the power it has over you...you can scoff at it, laugh at it or even just shove it aside as a quirk. Just remember to be kind to yourself.

That mental storytelling is a very good way to understand and help yourself. Use it I've personally felt that making a conscious effort to transfer the thoughts into written or spoken words is the best way to avoid any triggers of depressive and anxious states.

And yes, visualizing that it is a conversation with your therapist does indicate attachment. I say this because I have done this with several of my friends that I've been closest to and every one of my boyfriends. The person I visualize always tends to be the person I am most attached to at the time. Sometimes I even think it may be conversations I wish I had the courage to express verbally. If this is the case for the mental storytelling with your therapist, make sure you do say all the things you have thought about when you see your therapist the next time.

[SummerTime12]

Omg I do this all the time. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I've always pretended as if there is someone with me or I'm telling them something about myself. Now it's with my T but before it was other people like teachers, bosses, pastors, etc. I felt like I was crazy for doing this all the time! I have no idea why I do it and I've tried to stop with little success.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

Hi everyone, I am new as well and made an account specifically because I've never seen this discussed before and it's such a big part of my life...

I do this too. I've done it my whole life, it is one of my earliest recollections-- addressing all my thoughts to someone in my head. Always male, always a mentor figure, usually older, sometimes with a tinge of eroticism, sometimes not. Right now it's my T, but when I was very young, it was usually a fictional character from a favorite book or film. I would talk to them all day and fall asleep by telling myself elaborate and fantastic stories about them rescuing me from my family.

Hi anais, thanks for your input, I can relate a lot. I have been doing this for a while too, and I don't know when it started really. I just remember that there has always been a "listener", and it's usually a person I'm attached to in some way, in most cases these were people I've been infatuated with, and wanting to be in a relationship with. Not the case with my T though But also mentor-type figures sometimes as well.
I am aware of this thing for a long time but somehow never talked to anyone about it, so I'm happy that now I see I'm not alone with this...

The person I'm telling my stuff to is always very patient (in my head), it's in the background and I feel totally safe with them. I think I'm used to having the experience where people are usually impatient with me and I know I won't be able to express myself freely with them or get my whole message through.

I do have attachment issues and in my case this is a vicious circle of creating more attachment between me and that person, and not "real life" attachment. Kind of one sided. I think it makes sense when I see this happening with people I'd been infatuated with but they were not available.

Sometimes I feel very empty and lost after one reference point person is gone from my mind, and before another sets in. But when I'm in a good phase, then this kind of period, without mental storytelling, can be very powerful and I am very present in life usually these times.

What I don't like is the obsessive feature of all this, that instead of thinking about anything else, most of my inner talk time is occupied by these stuff. It feels addictive and I feel like I'm somehow dependent on that other person.

I'm also kind of ashamed of telling my T, maybe because of the above, that it will seem like I'm too attached/ dependent on him...or desperate. But maybe it would help to shed light on this whole pattern and understand what's behind it, and now that it's openly discussed here, maybe it helps to clear some of the shame felt around this

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by woe-be-gone

Sometimes I even think it may be conversations I wish I had the courage to express verbally. If this is the case for the mental storytelling with your therapist, make sure you do say all the things you have thought about when you see your therapist the next time.

Yeah, this is partially the case, but I can't do it because there is literally no time to say all that in therapy And also because I don't feel that trust yet with him...I hope it will come. Maybe I created an ideal version of him in my head, as I would like him to be. Hm, maybe I do this with all my mental characters...Create an ideal vs the real life person and then reality hits in and bang, there is disappointment...
I'm an introvert too, and yeah, we tend to create our own mental safe space when we couldn't find it in "real life".

[woe-be-gone]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Yeah, this is partially the case, but I can't do it because there is literally no time to say all that in therapy And also because I don't feel that trust yet with him...I hope it will come. Maybe I created an ideal version of him in my head, as I would like him to be. Hm, maybe I do this with all my mental characters...Create an ideal vs the real life person and then reality hits in and bang, there is disappointment...
I'm an introvert too, and yeah, we tend to create our own mental safe space when we couldn't find it in "real life".

Yea I understand not having enough time in therapy. I feel the same most of the time. But that's when I realized I couldn't really rely on my therapist or any outside support system forever. In fact, even if I were to talk to my friends I feel like conversations never really go the way I want to because of interruptions or them trying to make me understand something or them trying to fix or help. I realized I said a lot more mentally because I could...because I was heard no matter what it was. That is why I use writing or speaking to sort of make it more concrete.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do this too. I have conversation with people in my head (not just with T). I've done it ever since I was little. Back then, I was pretty much alone all the time, so I guess I started doing that so I'd have someone to talk to. I think later, it has helped me some with my social anxiety. If I can prepare for a conversation, then I hopefully won't be as anxious.

I have found that I don't do this as much with my T anymore because I'm able to email her whenever I need to. So I'm able to organize my thoughts in writing, and then when I see her, it's all been said.

[ECHOES]

It's a safe way to keep a connection with someone. With your therapist, do you tell him about this, and how you feel about doing this. Are there things in your internal dialogue that you wish to tell him but haven't yet?

I think there is comfort in feeling as if we are with someone who feels safe, who validates us, who wants to know everything that you wish to share. It could be about you, that you really want to tell your life story to him.

Have you considered writing down your thoughts from time to time during your day, and/or at the time you are having the internal dialogue and note your feelings about the dialogue too - feeling comfortable (or not), feeling vulnerable, feeling connected to someone who you feel is trustworthy, feeling safe, comforted, vulnerable - afraid that the person might reject you if they knew 'everything' about you, feeling excited about the next time you see the person, etc. A way to see what this means to you. Instead of judging yourself and feeling Arrrrgh, accept it and look at it closer, without judgment.

[subtle lights]

Hi Echoes, I haven't told my therapist because it tarted fairly recently and also I haven't felt yet comfortable enough with him to tell too much.
You're right, I do have this strange need to tell my life story to him and I have issues with being afraid of bring judged, rejected, ridiculed. I have actually told him that, that I'm having this constant fear that he will judge me.
I used to be journaling a lot, but lately I feel too down to do that very often.

[ECHOES]

So, maybe you are practicing, in your head/thoughts? Seeing how it sounds to you? So that you can come up with a way of telling that will feel safe and non-judgmental. Understandable! Yet it is also good to be in the moment, and just be you. And when you experience not being judged by your therapist, your fear may lessen.

[doogie]

Yes. I do this all the time, too. Especially at night when I'm trying to settle down to sleep. It's like I'm talking with her and telling her things the way I would like to in our sessions. (I wish I could be as open in my actual session as I am in my in-head session!) Anyway, it makes me feel obsessive, too. I understand. I don't know that it is, but I understand. You aren't alone.

[subtle lights]

For some reason when I'm actually there with him in the session I feel so detached from myself that whatever I tell him sounds like someone else is talking and it's unreal. At least in the first half of the session. And then in the second half I'm anxious because it will be over and I wasted the first half by being anxious.
These monologues in my head are free to appear whenever and be about whatever, with no beginning and maybe no end, while in the sessions it has to make sense what I say and be some connected story. The monologues seem also obsessive sometimes, like I'm repeating the same stuff over again. And also the sessions are about being out of my head and in the moment but that's a torture for me now.

[anais_anais]

Yup, our intimacy and comfort level in my head-convos has nothing to do with our communication in real life (yet?). In real life it took me six months to make eye contact and I still can't call my T by his name. A year and a half, hasn't happened yet. Wonder if he's noticed.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

Yup, our intimacy and comfort level in my head-convos has nothing to do with our communication in real life (yet?). In real life it took me six months to make eye contact and I still can't call my T by his name. A year and a half, hasn't happened yet. Wonder if he's noticed.

Yeah, that sounds familiar. In my case it's just the fourth week. I guess I needed so desperately to feel the connection and to feel understood. I'm in a rush because I quit my job and I need to get better to be able to get further and I don't know where I'll be in 6 months...

[annielovesbacon]

Yes, this happens to me exactly and it has for years, not just with my therapist but anyone I'm attached to. It used to bother me, but now I think it's okay. It helps me work out problems sometimes. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. And when the thoughts get to be too much and they bother me, writing really helps.