[bashfulsoul]

Hey all. Sorry of this is the wrong place for this, but I'm not sure where else to put it and I just need to vent a little and maybe ask for some feedback. So I've been seeing my therapist for just over 2 years now, and she's helped me through a lot of emotional issues. I still have a long way to go though. As someone who doesn't have many role models in my life, I look up to her a lot. I admire her personality and lifestyle and sort of identify with her as well (she's pretty open and honest about her life in general). We have a rapport.

But over the last few months of so, I've sort of developed a slight obsession with her. I've scoured search engines looking for information about her. I've found her social media usernames, an old flickr profile, and I found her on instagram although her profile was set to private. Then one day I looked her up on instagram again and found that her profile had been set to public and I decided to look through it. I didn't find anything shocking or surprising. Typical instagrammy stuff. I enjoyed watching some of her instagram stories even though there was a part of me that felt guilty about it.

So a few days ago, I had a session with her, and at the end of the appointment she said, "I noticed you found my instagram profile." Immediately I felt a burning sensation of guilt rising in me. She didn't seem mad though. She went on to say "Cause, you know, it tells you who's viewed your instagram stories and I saw your name pop up. I made my profile public for a while so I could participate in a give-away. I'm probably going to make it private again. I just wanted to ask you about it before I did. What did you think when you found it? Did you find anything surprising there?"

I didn't know what to say. Then she asked if I felt embarrassed or guilty and I admitted that I did. She replied by saying "Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd be looking at my therapist's profile too. Anyway. Just thought I'd ask." The guilt slightly subsided when she said this. I have a pretty good feeling that she trusts me. What she doesn't know is all the other stuff I've been doing online in regards to her.

Did I do something wrong here? I have a feeling that I'm more or less "off the hook" but I worry now that she might be starting to realize how I feel about her. I guess it's not really a romantic attraction, though I have had romantic / sexual feelings for her. I realize that I'm probably doing this because I'm putting her on this pedestal, I'm seeing her as this high-up person who I really look up to, and want to emulate somehow. To be honest, I don't have many people in my life who I really admire much (I've been really isolated and lonely). I wish I were more like her. In a parellel universe I'd like to think we'd just be friends but I know that's not realistic.

How do I stop doing this? Sorry for the long story and all. I'd appreciate some feedback on this.

[lucozader]

No, I don't think you did anything wrong at all and I think that kind of online researching is very common amongst clients. It's certainly something I've done plenty of. It seems like your T understands that too, which is good!

As for how you can stop doing it, I'm afraid I don't know...

[kecanoe]

Join the club of people who have searched for their ts online. It id very common, and it seems that your t know that and is not freaked out by it. I would suspect that if she knows you went to her instagram, she probably suspects you did more than that. And remember, she said she would do it too.

Why do you think you need to stop? The information is public and it isn't hurting her. Or if you do want to stop, perhaps ask for a picture or something so you can use that when you feel disconnected.

[Myrto]

What you did is perfectly normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Like you said, you kind of idealize her and put her on a pedestal, add to this natural curiosity and you're bound to look her up online. Lots of clients research their therapist and depending on their T's online presence find out a lot/not much about them. The only problem that I see with this is that finding out info about your T may trigger some bad feelings: envy, jealousy, etc. That's how I felt whenever I looked up my ex T online. It only caused me pain and suffering because I wanted to be part of her life and it was impossible and her social media presence only increased that feeling. I felt left out, abandoned, disconnected from her. It was really terrible. Since you want to stop doing it, I would recommend blocking her (if possible) on social media. Whenever you want to look her up, find something to distract you until the feeling passes. That's what I did. It kind of worked but not always unfortunately. You could also try to talk to your T about this: how you feel lonely, how you really admire her, look up to her. The feelings may subside.

[AnxiousGirl]

Omg. Ive been seeing my T for like 2 years also and found her IG like a few months ago. It was always on public but like a month or so ago I looked her up and she posted a new pic and I accidentally LIKED IT. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I quickly unliked it, deleted my profile, and closed the app. Luckily though she didn't ask about it so I think I unliked it just in time..

But no I don't think you should feel guilty. We all do it

[jesswah]

I don't think you did anything wrong - sounds like normal curiosity, especially since she said she would have done the same thing.

No ideas on how to stop though. I think I'm the only one who has a T with absolutely nothing online, I've tried searching a few times.

[WrkNPrgress]

Nope you did nothing wrong.

It's public. She's a therapist. It happens.

[junkDNA]

Sounds like she handled it pretty well I think

You didn't do anything wrong. What's on the internet is fair game. I'm sure you aren't the first client to look her up and I'm sure you won't be the last. Obsession would more be like if you drove by her house, etc.

[growlycat]

Transference happens. For many it can be part of the therapy process (sexual feelings , admiration- or hatred). Talking to your t about your feelings will help but it isn't easy.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by jesswah

I don't think you did anything wrong - sounds like normal curiosity, especially since she said she would have done the same thing.

No ideas on how to stop though. I think I'm the only one who has a T with absolutely nothing online, I've tried searching a few times.

I have a t with nothing online. Her FB is totally private, can't see friends or even her picture. The only place I can find T3 online is her little bio blurb that is on the clinic website and their print brochure. Fortunately I am not particularly attached to her; I looked her up when I was starting therapy just to see what was out there-like were there negative reviews, has she published anything, that sort of thing. Found nothing, except she might be on linked in. I am not, so didn't try to figure out if that was her.

[Bluebellacotta]

Originally Posted by bashfulsoul

Hey all. Sorry of this is the wrong place for this, but I'm not sure where else to put it and I just need to vent a little and maybe ask for some feedback. So I've been seeing my therapist for just over 2 years now, and she's helped me through a lot of emotional issues. I still have a long way to go though. As someone who doesn't have many role models in my life, I look up to her a lot. I admire her personality and lifestyle and sort of identify with her as well (she's pretty open and honest about her life in general). We have a rapport.

But over the last few months of so, I've sort of developed a slight obsession with her. I've scoured search engines looking for information about her. I've found her social media usernames, an old flickr profile, and I found her on instagram although her profile was set to private. Then one day I looked her up on instagram again and found that her profile had been set to public and I decided to look through it. I didn't find anything shocking or surprising. Typical instagrammy stuff. I enjoyed watching some of her instagram stories even though there was a part of me that felt guilty about it.

So a few days ago, I had a session with her, and at the end of the appointment she said, "I noticed you found my instagram profile." Immediately I felt a burning sensation of guilt rising in me. She didn't seem mad though. She went on to say "Cause, you know, it tells you who's viewed your instagram stories and I saw your name pop up. I made my profile public for a while so I could participate in a give-away. I'm probably going to make it private again. I just wanted to ask you about it before I did. What did you think when you found it? Did you find anything surprising there?"

I didn't know what to say. Then she asked if I felt embarrassed or guilty and I admitted that I did. She replied by saying "Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd be looking at my therapist's profile too. Anyway. Just thought I'd ask." The guilt slightly subsided when she said this. I have a pretty good feeling that she trusts me. What she doesn't know is all the other stuff I've been doing online in regards to her.

Did I do something wrong here? I have a feeling that I'm more or less "off the hook" but I worry now that she might be starting to realize how I feel about her. I guess it's not really a romantic attraction, though I have had romantic / sexual feelings for her. I realize that I'm probably doing this because I'm putting her on this pedestal, I'm seeing her as this high-up person who I really look up to, and want to emulate somehow. To be honest, I don't have many people in my life who I really admire much (I've been really isolated and lonely). I wish I were more like her. In a parellel universe I'd like to think we'd just be friends but I know that's not realistic.

How do I stop doing this? Sorry for the long story and all. I'd appreciate some feedback on this.

Ive done it.
Its embarassing as hell. But i think shes right and alot of people would do it. I know that when someone at work starts and I used to search their email in facebook - but this was to find out more about someone ill be spending a bit of time. And how could you not want to know a bit.Having said that - no amount of info was ever enough when I found it. What was embarassing was not really finding anything about the T - but his family - that was too much.

But I try to think that I understand and acknowledge its my need to ne intrigued an interested and to feel I have an emotional connection to the people I want to be connected to.