Counselor says I need to become empowered

Has a counselor or therapist ever said this to you?

I am not sure what to do with this.

Am I supposed to just start acting empowered?

This came about when I contacted some friends and family to talk about my mental health problems and it was not well received. On family member said I should just kill myself.

So the counselor said no one is going to help me, that I have to get out of victim mentality and be empowered.

Any thoughts? Sounds good but if it was easy wouldn't I already be doing it?

Gee, it'd be nice if they explained what they meant sometimes.

I think in this case her idea of being empowered would mean, cutting off your family. Or telling them to go stuff themselves when they say things like they did. By that logic, you deciding to open up to your family was revictimizing yourself because on some level you knew their response would be dehumanizing and invalidating.

If I were a therapist and told a client that, I would mean that they have to be more (pro)active on their own behalf, not passive. Protect themselves and cut toxicity out of their lives.

Oh, my T has been saying similar to me recently. He says I'm choosing to be a victim, that I need to take responsibility.

Except every time he says that stuff I get so angry and upset and I want to retreat - curl up into a totally helpless ball and cry forever. Which is ironic, but probably means he's onto something.

I don't know how we're meant to do it. Maybe that's why I get so angry. Also I guess it just feels like an insult - like he's saying I'm not trying. I am trying - I am really trying.

I'm sorry you've had such a terrible response from your family and friends... I do see your T's point - that your validation will have to come from within.

Thanks. This was a great reply. Yeah, we discussed how I was the family scapegoat and that probably led to victim mentality. I did cut off the most toxic family member but the fact I allowed it to happen again was kind of injurious. Right now I feel kind of clueless and shocked that I walk around being the victim in life. I guess I just have to watch every situation that comes up. I cut out a lot of toxic people and am now in a kind of alone space. But it seems I have internalized some toxic voices. Sad. Hard to undo. Maybe this is empowerment? One can tell you have worked really hard in therapy. Thank you for your insight.

Thanks. I relate to your response. When my counselor said I had victim mentality it just threw me for a loop. I didn't see it. But when I started looking I began to see it everywhere. I took it to mean I have a major character defect. So, yeah, it is a big deal and it hurts to hear it. So I can relate to your reaction.

I got angry, too. First at the counselor (the messenger of bad tidings) but mostly at myself. It is really hard to undo such an all pervasive way of being.

I wish if counselors and therapists say "be empowered" they could be more specific.

Also, it is just such an insult to be told one has victim mentality.

Yes, the family member who told me I might as well go kill myself...well, it was pretty harsh. I now think this is how most of society views mental illness. I won't be self-disclosing or asking for help from anyone anytime soon.

My first reaction would be... how presumptuous and how insulting. Second reaction would be... that is so trite as to be meaningless.

Could you ask your t what one thing is that you could do that would be empowering? I find it kind of vague.

So sorry your family member said that, that's horrible.

I'll join the club too-I expressed hurt over something and the first thing my therapist said was that I was victimizing myself.

About the concept of empowerment in general-I think the ideal is great. Implementing it is quite another thing. Aside from adult things, childhood trauma, depression, and low self worth can correlate with disempowerment. Not knowing patterns or not being in touch with emotions can lead to disempowerment as an adult, too.

This is also something I'm dealing with now- really need to get back to an empowerment mindset. I am trying. I used to have a more internal locus of control and felt empowered from doing things (ie taking risks, accomplishing things such as college) and through a series of hardships (ie medical) and defenses worn down and losses, I slowly adopted a mindset of feeling disempowered.

On the other hand, I know I cause my own pain sometimes due to patterns, for example-with rash decisions. My career decision cost me a lot, not just material wise. And part of the rash decision was not knowing myself fully. I never spent the time to self reflect. But because I made a bad decision years ago, doesn't mean I need to hear I'm victimizing myself when I bring up a topic related to any result that came out of that bad decision. I already know I made the bad decision. It wouldn't be helpful to be told I am victimizing myself when I talk about dreading going to work, for example. But if I continue to make rash decisions, it would be helpful for my therapist to point it out. But I've been there, done that and am more careful now.

I might need to first grieve all the bad affects that resulted from these decisions, in tandem with improving depression, to feel empowered to change my circumstances. And they really are limited in this aspect due to how I made decisions and current obstacles. But the more empowered I feel, the more I can change things. But my choices are still limited no matter how empowered I feel. I think there is a difference with being realistic vs grandiose. Balance is needed.

Different therapies or therapists handle it differently-grieving, support, identifying patterns, behavioral. For me I think it's helpful to have a combo of several things-being allowed to grieve, someone helping identify my patterns of self-destructive behaviors, but also to be supportive and help me see my strengths. And encouraging when it fits. Example-encouraging me can help influence me to do something (ie volunteer work). Doing something improves self-esteem and feeligns of disempowerment. Doing a lot of little things adds up. Supportive can mean, for example, if my foot was run over by a bus and I want to talk with my therapist about the pain, it's not helpful to hear that I am being a victim by expressing my distress.

I think a lifetime of abuse and being unloved as a child can lead to disempowerment, and it's a behavioral strategy to be able to quickly change your mindset to one of empowerment. After a lifetime though, it gets so deeply rooted, weren't not simply changing the mindset of disempowerment. Some of us need to change the mindset that you matter, you have worth, you're not stupid, etc. Address the shame. Perhaps the key is doing the best with what you have and not focusing on what you don't have. Difficult if you don't have self-worth or motivation etc.

An internal locus of control after a childhood of not being in control and having things done to you doesn't usually change over a short time period. I like the idea of changing it quickly if it works. I'd like to know if it works, how it was done, so I can try it too.

Personally, I think I just need someone to genuinely believe in me so that I can believe in myself. To me, self-empowerment would follow. I think also a sense of agency and autonomy can help bring me back.

Above is only my opinion and might be inaccurate and unhelpful to someone else. Really good topic DD!

My therapist didn't use the word "empowered." He spoke of finding "autonomy." It took me awhile to understand the concept, but basically it is independence of choice, independence in my "self" in relation to other people. Living my life and making choice with my own best interests in mind. Learning to balance my "self" with my relationships in healthy ways.

This is one blog about the concept:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...esire-autonomy

Finding my autonomy was both internal (probably the hardest part because it required a real paradigm shift in my thinking about my own ability to have control over my own life), and external (everything from professional choices to financial choices to activity choices).

I agree. But I have considered this. This happens when I go through vulnerable periods. It isn't like I have lived every single day of my life like this. But when I am in a weak position others freely take potshots. That's life.

The way I see it it IS insulting. But in fact I have allowed victimization. And it is my responsibility to get out. (I guess. )

This is a peculiar situation. This psychologist does "phone chats" that I do not pay for as she is with my health care provider. If I made an "official" appointment to see her at her office through my insurance it would be $160 a visit. But the phone consults are free.

Because of this I feel a bit less invested. We have never even met in person - it is a cyber-relationship - but I do want to consider her opinions.

I personally don't like the word "empowered" nor do I like labels such as "victim mentality" --- but maybe because the calls are so brief she resorts to shorthand.

Hell if I know. I just want to use what is valuable in order to improve my situation.

If being empowered means not being vulnerable...I am right there. That's what I want. Vulnerability is highly over-rated in my book at this time.

Well, an example is...I was disappointed in my family-of-origin because I want to move back to where I was born (which is over 2,000 miles away from where I am now) and where I have extended family...but when I contacted them no one was willing to help me out. The counselor said I didn't need any help and could do it on my own. Well, the truth is I have made big moves across the country several times in my life...and there is usually someone helping. Like staying with a relative until I find an apartment...helping with storing stuff...or whatever. It will take me a year or two to save up the money to move on my own. I guess it can be done. It is just that I have never done it myself. So that is one example of being empowered, I guess. She seems to think I can land a great job via online 2,000 miles away...when I am older and presently unemployed. I am worried that her expectations far exceed my capabilities and I am being set up for major emotional crashes I can ill afford.

I think you are being wise and reasonable. Realistic vs grandiose.

Sharing this with you, hope you don't see it as discouraging, but it validates your point. I have done that myself several times-moved across the country alone, without help. Had no savings. Did it to better myself each time.

It has truly contributed to my disempowerment because it exasperated my depression. The stress of doing it, the mental and physical energy, having to find friends, doctors again; the stress of finding a place to live and getting to know the area, learn a new job again, has made my depression worse. Normally I like those things, I love novelty and new things. But it physically and mentally wore me down. And I want to move back so desperately but now can't.

Timing can be important. Hope you get to a place to make that move someday soon. I don't know, environment can make a huge difference in how some of us feel.

I hope you don't feel trapped, that's a terrible feeling.

It sounds like you are being reasonably cautious. I don't think knowing your limitations is victimizing. I used to ignore my limitations, but they hit me in the face just recently!

Thank you, Skies, for your insightful response. So much to think about.

I may be getting hung up on semantics. But for me the word empowerment evokes a kind of new age voodoo magical thinking sort of mindset.

I know narcissistic people who act empowered. They do not see any decisions they made in life as being disempowering. In other words, for them, bad **** just happens. Narcissists act empowered when they get stuff, and when they attract stuff. They collect the shiny stuff in life.

Narcissists will also take credit for things they did not earn. I have a relative who married young into an extremely wealthy family. Somewhere along the line he forgot that his career alone would never have provided him with the extremely well-padded, easy life he enjoys.

I would like to come up with a healthier option to victimization than empowerment.

I guess I really don't like the word empowerment.

I think it is healthy to take risks and make mistakes. The unhealthy part happens when we only see the mistakes. That is where I am now. My whole world view is so dark I only see my life in terms of darkness.

I think my therapist is addressing this as she is CBT and goal oriented. Again, it is about semantics. What we think is reality...becomes reality. I am losing at life because I am thinking like a loser. I guess my therapist is saying, think like a winner.

I would love to think like a winner. I would love to go to sleep and wake up thinking like a winner. My therapist makes it sound that easy. Instead I wake up (as usual) with suicidal ideation and start another day feeling tormented because only a "loser" wakes up like that.

This becomes a big game...a narcissistic one...with winners and losers.

The value of life becomes reduced to money, property, social connections, and possessions.

The word "power" is embedded in the word empowerment. So it suggests that those who are powerful win, and the losers are the victims with no power.

I think...to "believe" in one another, as you suggest, is much more helpful. It is more humane and loving. If only we would pull one another out of the victimhood stance and into a mindset where...we all have a place...and are valuable...just because we exist.

Yea if it's free I guess you cant be too particular, but I would not be able to get past such presumption. Can't tolerate it. Too demeaning.

And this just seems irrational: "The counselor said I didn't need any help and could do it on my own." How could anyone possibly make that judgement without knowing the person and all the relevant details? People need freaking support when making big changes.

I need to make big changes also. I don't have enough support either. And my health is a mess. If someone said stop being a victim etc, I'd tell them to eat s**t. I am something of a coward, but that is different.

I just can't comprehend this culture of aggressive advice giving. Do this, do that, then report back to me! If you don't you're a victim, you don't want to change. Shut up already.

Sorry about your cruel family/friends. That's awful.

But the truth is...no one wants to be autonomous! Look at everyone at the supermarket glued to their cellphones. They cannot even do something as brainless as shop for food without consulting someone else back at home.

I guess autonomy is specific to certain things. I make all decisions alone. I live alone, I eat alone, and I sleep alone. I decide where I rent, where I work. I sign the lease. In fact, every single decision in life I face alone. I hate it.

All I want to do is move over 2,000 miles to be closer to my adult child. To dog sit for him is my idea of heaven. When he cooks my favorite meal for me...that's heaven.

When my vehicle broke down here I relied on a stranger to give me a ride to my mechanic. He was a good Samaritan but the truth is I had no one to call. When I am sick I doctor myself. Now...when I have suicidal ideation...I am keeping myself alive. Maybe that is partly being autonomous but it holds no charm for me. It is a lonely, isolated way to live.

I do not like the word empowerment, but I also don't like the word autonomous...because, in truth, we are social creatures and work best as part of a team.

But maybe I am deluded.

Okay. This really helped me a lot. First of all, from what you shared, I can now see that timing is important...and if I take the time to save up money I can also take the time to get in a better space mentally. I have moved when not mentally prepared...and those moves never worked out. Since my plan is to move back to my homeland, as it were, I would not feel a sense of the unfamiliar. I long to be back there. I even miss the geographical lay of the land. I miss the climate. Everything. And...now my only adult child is there, too. In truth, my ill-fated former marriage brought me to the hostile hinterland where I now live and although I have been here 20 years it still feels like hostile territory. I want out so badly I can taste it.

I am so glad you wrote this advice. As far as doing it alone...I may have to PM you for tips. However, the only move I want to make is back to something familiar even if I don't have help getting there.

Ah, Bud. My hero. If only I would stand up for myself and when she said stuff like about the victim mentality ask, "How so?" It is aggressive advice giving. It is do this do than then report back to me. Just because it is free doesn't mean...I should not comment. In effect I am paying for her service because I pay the insurance carrier who she works for. It isn't like she just came in off the street.

Therapy is supposed to help people to start where they are and make progress from there and that takes as much time as it takes. You have a right to be upset. Telling you that hey, you are this ___(as in victim) and then telling you not to be that doesn't sound like a helpful intervention. In my opinion, you have to accept/understand where you are at the moment with compassion before you can start to move forward. I hope you are able to tell your T how you feel. I'm sorry she said that to you. Take care.

Thanks. I would not categorize this counselor as compassionate. It is more about goals and using CBT to correct false perceptions. It emphasizes behavioral changes. I think it is a great plan but maybe not actually how we heal. At times my psyche just rebels against this kind of therapy. If I was able to just "jump up and do it" why the hell would I need a counselor?

Thinking of what Tsunami said..

Though she may be well meaning, maybe there is a big gap with where you're at and her interventions or advice or interactions, whatever you want to call them. If it were me, I'd tell her I need her to meet me where I'm at instead of from her mindset; ask her for a different kind of help. Some people have success with small goals that help when cumulative.

It sounds sort of like telling someone who just had back surgery that they could run a marathon if they just changed their way of thinking. CBT can be so weird.

It sounds like a positive thing for you to plan your move back to your homeland. environment can make a big difference in my experience, though problems obviously follow us wherever we go....

I always used to say that wherever you go there is both good and bad. But a place can
"go bad" as in it just doesn't work anymore on too many levels. I don't know why I am so hysterical about getting out quickly. I have done moves before that were a year or two from the initial thought to getting out. Moves are actually tough for the most part. Now I get traumatized moving from one neighborhood to another neighborhood!

About CBT. It is kind of funny. When it works it works well. Like maybe I will change my mind about something and things go more smoothly. Then I think, "Wow, CBT works great." When it does not work well is when subconscious stuff comes up to the conscious level. This therapist is not into getting all emotional about stuff. But when stuff rises up it causes emotional waves.

This is a strange relationship. As I said she is a psychologist with my insurance carrier. We have never met in person. She started calling me every week. Some weeks I was very upset and would tell her, "Never mind. You don't have to keep calling me," but she insisted. Her idea is to support me until I realize my goals such as find a job, new place to live, become substantially more balanced and secure. She appears to think this can happen in a very short time. It is therapy with a great amount of pressure to improve one's life. I think she calls CBT reality therapy.

So I feel a lot of pressure. Some weeks I just pretend everything is okay. And she seems to buy it. Here is this person who is chronically feeling suicidal and then suddenly they are doing okay? How does that work? Well, it doesn't.

I sent her an email today and I told her this. I told her I have suicidal ideation. That I am severely depressed. That I am barely functional. That I called a crisis hotline.

I think I am done with this person, and therapy. I think I need to develop some kind of radical healing program on my own.

I sent her an email today. I don't think she is willing to offer anything but CBT type therapy. That's okay. I feel done with therapy. I am never very patient with therapy.

I dumped the person my insurance company had calling me; she said she was there to help me (yeah, right. She was there to help my insurance co save money by making me need less mental health care). She asked me if I wanted to set a goal of being done with therapy in 8 weeks. I was seeing a t daily at that time. I laughed and told her that I my goal was to not have to wage battle all day with suicidal thoughts. So yeah. Not surprised she is trying to hurry things along. I am sorry though. It sounds demoralizing rather than helpful.

Damn. When will I stop being so naive? This is the first time I have heard someone else talk about a situation close to the one I am describing. What you say here matches my experience. This person calling me is interested in short term goal oriented support. The weeks she calls and I am not making "progress" she sounds disappointed. Which seems kind of inappropriate? What you said about "to not have to wage battle with suicidal thoughts," --- that would be my goal if I was "allowed" to say it. Hmmm. This is a huge eye opener. I HATE it when I go through these vulnerable periods. I am so naive and it leaves me open to heaps of abuse and bad care. If anything, this terrible level of care is starting to inspire me to get well on my own. Thank you so very much for taking the time to post this. I had no idea...that this was something done by insurance companies as a practice. It truly sucks.

Now this sounds like the depression talking!

Having someone attuned can make a huge difference, I think. Although it's referred to as attunement, I think what it comes down to is just skill in processing information.

You clearly said your issue is that you want to move, even longing for it. Calling your family upset you, but instead of focusing on helping you with your issue (moving), and maybe acknowledging you have *****#*$#s for family and redirecting focus from that to positive goals, she went on about victimhood. Even after you stated you had moved on your own in the past.-more than once.

Psychodynamic therapy, well that's another story. You could go on and on about your feelings...but still. It's not like you had a pattern of not taking initiatives to move.

And since depression can make people feel really hopeless, I'd guess not getting help reminded you of feeling hopeless--depression does that to you. No stamina-just give up your mind says. You clearly don't have a history of victimizing yourself when it comes to moving; quite the opposite. So just a guess, but it seems more logical that you might be feeling hopeless, not victimized.

Anyway, she could have reminded you about your strength-you moved several times in the past. So you could do it again someday. She could have helped you get motivated to take the first step towards moving/reaching your goal-perhaps making a plan. A simple plan. Then take steps towards that, little accomplishments to get you back to a state of full autonomy.

I remember when I felt trapped in military boot camp, literally squashed of my autonomy and all rights to self, agency, and personal belongings, (and really reminded me of my barren and miserable childhood though that was before these kind of defenses broke down so I didn't get triggered) I drew a little calendar and hid it in my notebook. As we were allowed to have paper to take notes, and it was the closest to having anything 'personal'.

Well, I was scared I'd get caught, but I drew a tiny calendar and hid it in with my notes. I looked at it when i could every day, and all day looked forward to nighttime so I could hide it under my covers with the flashlight after I heard snoring, then do my 'ritual' of crossing off the day in the evening and seeing one less day to spend there. It gave me something to look forward to every day, it kept me going; motivated.

That little piece of paper got me through, i really held onto that. Seems like nothing, but it made such a difference for me. I remember a couple times doing things like that growing up too, held on to tiny things, I gave them meaning. That was my power-giving a calendar more meaning and using that power I assigned to it.

Could you make a plan for your trip, give it some power, and make that your hope?

Sorry if that sounds trivial or sappy: rolleyes: disregard if so. I just see more than a helpless victim when I read your posts. You have a pretty good amount of passion (thought perhaps inactivated), love for beauty and life; despite your depression, it shines through.