[MissCharlotte]

There are times when I just want to sit with my eyes closed and hear T's voice. It doesn't matter what he's saying, I just want to hear the soothing tone that smoothes my ruffled feathers.

I haven't heard enough of that lately. The relationshp has felt strained often recently and I'm trying to sort out the complexities. There are two of us in this and we both bring our %#@&#! to the table, so to speak. We are both human, after all. Today, I told T that I thought he was really perceptive about how I think but sometimes missed the mark about how I feel. I think I hurt his feelings when I said that but it was a big moment for me in terms of saying what I was feeling. I'm just not sure about anything anymore. Therapy. the relationship, whether it's real, how I feel about the whole darned thing. Maybe i'm just not good at this. Maybe I just can't.

My inner child was close to coming out to play, but now she's going back inside where it's safe.

[sunrise]

sister It can hurt so much when we've experienced connection with our Ts and then we lose it for a while. You have had it before. I feel sure it will be back. You two have been apart for a while. You need a little time to rebuild. It's OK.

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sister said:
The relationshp has felt strained often recently

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Does he think so too? Do you talk about this? What is his take on the strain?

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Today, I told T that I thought he was really perceptive about how I think but sometimes missed the mark about how I feel. I think I hurt his feelings when I said that but it was a big moment for me in terms of saying what I was feeling.

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I think it's helpful when we give people criticism that we tell them ways then can give us what we need so they can take positive action instead of just sitting there feeling criticized. You know what I mean? Sometimes it seems easier to tell people what we don't want than what we do want. What do you want from your T, sister?

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My inner child was close to coming out to play, but now she's going back inside where it's safe.

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Did you tell him that also? It almost sounds like another way of criticizing him. What can he do to make it safe for your child to come out? That information will be helpful to him. Tell him.

Hang in there with your T, sister. I absolutely do not think it is true that you are not good at this. I think you're being really hard on yourself. Sometimes we aren't connected to our Ts. My T told me last time that Winnicott says a mother/therapist is "good enough" if he/she connects 1/3 of the time, another 1/3 of the time is disconnected but repairs it, and another 1/3 of the time is disconnected and doesn't repair (so child/client learns to self soothe). So maybe you are having a disconnect now. And maybe it will be repaired or maybe not, but you connect so often with your T, sister, that I think the times of disconnection are well within Winnicott's frame. I think your T is good enough! It's interesting, though, to think of that first 1/3. How often would you say you and your T connect? 1/3 of the time or higher? For me, it is higher. I wonder if being too high can be non-optimal? Anyway, when I looked at it through Winnicott's lens, I felt better about not always being connected to my T. It's not supposed to be 100%! That would be like symbiosis and no differentiation. The times of disconnect are healthy.

[Perna]

I often had days when I was so tired when I got to T and wanted to just take a nap quietly with her or days I wished we could have just spent the time quietly reading together, each our own book. :-) It's hard when you're feeling low and then have disagreement with T so there's no "relief" for another week, just sloughing on, feeling "alone", trying to keep working/figuring out what's happening.

(((Sister)))

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Perna I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak, OUCH!

I have even told T the fantasy I have of sleeping on his couch, or of him reading me a story. That's just what I need right now, pure comfort.

[MissCharlotte]

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I think it's helpful when we give people criticism that we tell them ways then can give us what we need so they can take positive action instead of just sitting there feeling criticized. You know what I mean? Sometimes it seems easier to tell people what we don't want than what we do want. What do you want from your T, sister?

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Well, when we were talking it was about something specific that he said to me and we talked it through and yes, we both realized that it was possible to discuss without criticizing the other. But then he just did the same thing again, without realizing it. And, yes I told him again and we repaired again. Mind you, this was all in one session.

T and I have also talked about how often to expect connection in the relationship and I don't expect it all the time, I just want it now, darn it!!!!

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Does he think so too? Do you talk about this? What is his take on the strain?

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Well, I don't think he thinks of it in the same way that I do but he knows it's there because i have told him.

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Did you tell him that also? It almost sounds like another way of criticizing him. What can he do to make it safe for your child to come out? That information will be helpful to him. Tell him.

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No, it's not intended as a criticism of him, just a statement of fact. My child self doesn't feel safe when there is discord of any kind. Too much abuse in my past. It's just a fact of me that this little girl will just stay where she is until she knows it's safe to come out. And no, I did not tell T, but he will know just by how I am in therapy.

Although I am aware of the positive impact of disconnect in this relationship, it's been quite a while now, and we need to
reconnect!

PS I just had a thought. I think I'm pushing him away.

[sunrise]

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sister said:
Although I am aware of the positive impact of disconnect in this relationship, it's been quite a while now, and we need to reconnect!

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(((sister))) Have you told him this yet? Does he know what you want right now? What if you just said to him, "I am missing you and need to reconnect. Can we do that today?" Would he try to give you what you wanted and connect? Or would he withhold? Or is it not that easy for you two to control the connection? In my last session with my T (the one when I was angry with him), the first thing I said to him was, "I need you to be my therapist today and not my divorce coach. Sometimes I don't know who you are when I come here. Can you just be my therapist today?" Wow, did that ever perk his ears up. He got the message loud and clear and restated it just to make sure. I was able to get what I needed from him, because I told him.

sister, I thought you had written earlier that you and your T connected really well the first time you saw him after your separation. What happened? How many times have you seen him since his return?

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PS I just had a thought. I think I'm pushing him away.

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Do you think you are punishing him for leaving you alone for so long? I've heard this is classic client behavior when therapists return from their vacations.

Good luck.

[Mouse_]

Sometimes those times when we don't feel completely in tune, it reminds us of a seperateness. These are the times that boost us to continue to grow into who we are as a individual and let go some more of the illusion of oneness. Its all good!

I pushed my t away for a few sessions after he came back from break. Eventually I managed to figure out and say to him that I was pushing him away 'cause I didn't want to feel angry at him. I didn't want to act out by punishing him or hurting him and the best way for me to safeguard from that was to emotionally withdraw from him slightly.

Is it possible that that is what is going on?

Sounds like things are repairing but that it will take some time. Hang in there.

[ECHOES]

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I think I hurt his feelings when I said that but it was a big moment for me in terms of saying what I was feeling. I'm just not sure about anything anymore.

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When you take that thought further, that you think you've hurt his feelings what do you think his reaction/thoughts might be? Are you possibly projecting your imagined reaction onto him?

It does sound like a big moment for you to be able to say that, sister. But T can take it and welcomes hearing what works and what doesn't. He's still there for you because he wants to be. And by receiving this important feedback from you he can be there in the way that works best for you. It's good that you put the two of you on the same page!

((( sister )))

[MissCharlotte]

Sunny, Mouse, Alexandra,

Is it never possible that he has to step up to the plate? Why is it all on my shoulders?
Can't he be the one who %#@&#! up? T and I talk about the push away, and we both know it's there. We even have analyzed to the point in the conversation where we know when I use a certain word, it's code for "get away from me!"

This separation has a different quality to it, it may well be a growth point but there is a feel to it that I just can't touch, a new feeling in our relationship. The thing is, I don't feel devastated, but a little flat about the whole thing. That is a little worrisome.

Actually, what I'm thinking now is that maybe it's okay to not be on the same page, to not always agree about everything. Maybe we don't have to agree on every little thing to have a relationship that works. Like T said about my anxiety last week. "Just let it flow through you like bad weather. It rained this morning, but now it's beautiful out."

Have a great day, whatever the heck that means.

[Mouse_]

Sister, I don't think I said about it being anyones fault. I'm sorry if you read that in my post. I was simply saying that we can make something good out of something that doesn't appear good. I'm sure your get through this.

I don't think it is all on your shoulders. And... I do think it is possible that he has %#@&#! up. But that being said, therapy is supposed to be about us. How we respond to their %#@&#! ups and stuff like that. What is going on for us when we have such an intense reaction etc.

Maybe... It is a growth point. Maybe it is a growth point in terms of individuation. Instead of feeling connected / merged maybe you need to assert your independence a little. You coped for a time without him. Got through it. :-)

[MissCharlotte]

arghh, I can't even get you guys to understand what I'm feeling. What I say, doesn't always match what I feel,hmmmm

I didn't mean I read that in your post Mouse. I just mean that sometimes he is an idiot. LOL

And I am afraid that he is walking on eggshells around me now, and if that's the case, that's crap because he should be able to take it if I need to tell him he %#@&amp;#! up.

How does that sound? And another thing, I'm not going to try and fix it. It just is.

I have seen him 4 times since he's been back. The first time was bliss, the next 3 work work work. I am seeing him 2 x per week right now, but that's not for too long.

Maybe a growth point. Maybe individuation from him, yeah, I did cope without him, didn't I? I get by with a little help from my friends....

[Mouse_]

sister, sorry I do know how you feel but am not in a place to be able to word it right now

[sunrise]

Yes, sister, I believe the therapist does have to step up to the plate. (((hugs)))

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And another thing, I'm not going to try and fix it. It just is.

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This is a very strong statement, and reminds me of what adolescents say to their parents when differentiating. I am also reminded of what I wrote upthread, about Winnicott, and how in the good enough mother/therapist, there are disconnections with the child/client 1/3 of the time that do not need to be repaired (in order to be "good enough"). It sounds like you are saying that this is one of those times of disconnect and it is one of those times that are not going to be repaired. And it's not the end of the earth! Good for you.

Sister,
I love it when my T starts speaking in his "put you in a trance" voice! It is sooo relaxing! It is good that you were able to tell your T how you really felt, even though it was difficult! You say that you think you hurt his feelings. Maybe next session you can ask him if you hurt his feelings by what you said.(?) Then at least you will know one way or the other and can talk about it. You can do this! It is just going to take time. And that is okay

[MissCharlotte]

Ah, yes, the velvety voice. Gotta love it.

I feel okay about all right now. Must be the wine. The moods and feelngs about T changing like the wind. I do love him and I suppose that's why it's upsetting when I feel separated from him.

No, I won't try to fix it. But I thought of something else to do. I can model how I want to be treated.

LOL

tis ok to feel mad at him. you can feel mad at him and you won't kill him or hurt him too much. sucks that they go away sometimes.