Last week: Countdown. This week: Who cares?

Last week I was counting down the hours until I could see T again. This week I really feel like I don't care that much. What's going on? Am I still feeling the effects of the vacation? The session reduction? I did not call him this week. Even one night when I felt really bad, I just didn't care to call. I have nothing to talk about today. I am going to be there for an hour and half... I hope I can think of something. I guess I can go in and tell him exactly what it is that I'm writing here. I am bothered by this because the feeling started on the 2nd week that he was away. Yes, I was very eager for him to return and I did countdown to the last session, but I was also rather ambivalent about my feelings towards him in comparison to the first week he was away. The hurt was gone. It was like I didn't have him anymore. It's still like that. I'm really confused. This is the first time in my almost two years with T that I can (almost) say I don't want to go today. But I really don't know why that is.

I really really hear ya sistah!

(((((Pinksoil)))))

One thing my T finally :-) was able to teach me is that feelings come and go and change (like weather). You may feel totally differently when you get there. But the actual teaching was that you can "wait" and the feelings will eventually change. So, if you don't like this "view", not-to-worry, a new one will show up. I found that if I practiced watching expectantly for something else instead of "resisting" or analyzing crummy feelings it gets a bit more comfortable. Pretend it is a movie/show. We are not just our feelings; a little distance/3rd person from them can make a lot of difference. Put your Sherlock Holmes hat on instead of your Pinksoil one.

You're in a different sort of space than you ususally are, pink. Not a bad thing. Maybe this is going to be one of those sessions where you really don't know what you will talk about or what will come up. No agenda. Not a bad thing. Just go and see what comes up. I have had some lovely sessions like that. You're so used to counting down the hours to your sessions, that not having that this time may seem kind of like a loss. Good luck.

Thanks guys. I'm going shopping, lol. Ah, I have a giftcard though-- I am going to stick to it. No impulse spending. Since I'm off from work I'm just trying to have a nice, relaxing day that will lead into T at 5 PM.

Pinksoil,
Do you think that your T’s vacation made you become more independent? Or do you think that you still have the feelings but are numb and can’t feel them? I think this can happen when you unconsciously suppress feelings (like feelings of anger at your T not being there??) If your T now told you that it was time to decrease your amount of time, do you think you would then painfully feel the emotions?

Please forgive me if I am way off the mark! I just ask because I deal with this issue a lot and at times feel totally alone. When I am not feeling an emotion that I think I should be feeling, that I know I feel somewhere down deep, it really bothers me. I start intellectualizing about possible answers to no end.

I have read a few books on emotional intelligence and it was really interesting. It described the brain as having two parts – emotional and cognitive. It spoke about how difficult it can be when the two parts don’t operate harmoniously. Your post made me think of this because it seems that emotionally you don’t feel the attachment that you did before and you are cognitively trying to figure out why.

Take care! I hope your session is fruitful.