Talking CSA in Therapy

I never talk about it. Like, ever. It came out a couple months ago in a session and my T thankfully didn't push too hard but even mentioning it still sent me into a weekend long panic attack. Now it has come up a second time and is going to be the topic of our next session. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm terrified. Help?

Sorry you're facing this very difficult thing, Kal. I'm in a not dissimilar boat. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just tell your T if it's too much. Their job is to help you stay within a tolerable level of exposure, not to push and re-traumatize you.

I agree with kaleidoscopeheart. It's really liberating to explore the ugly and painful inside but not at any cost.

My T is aware of my past, but I am not sure if I have ever verbalised it. She read my writing, a letter to someone else that I had written but not sent, because they weren't here anymore.

Since then, it has been acknowledged in a couple of sessions, but never actually spoken about. A T shouldn't pushz in my opinion. You need to be ready.

My Old T did push, and it sent me into a huge dissociation in session. I disappeared right on into that black hole of nothingness. Not helpful, really, but I do understand and accept her reasons for doing it. (Too long and boring for here probably).

If you aren't ready, you run the risk of damaging the relationship between you, too, which wouldn't be a good thing, in my opinion, as well as sending you into a tailspin.

If you don't feel ready, then you probably aren't. Trust yourself, and tell your T you don't want to discuss it yet. Little by little. Slowly and gently. Maybe just acknowledging its existence is enough, for now.

What does CSA stand for please? Sorry if I sound silly for asking

Asking is not silly. It stands for childhood sexual abuse.

It is the hardest topic for me but also what I need to work on the most. I know how difficult it is, in the last 3.5 years where I've been seeing my T only a few sessions have been about it whereas it should really be my priority but I hate it, it always makes me dissociate. But I know it's important and I think it's good that you are beginning to talk about it. The only advice I could give you is to go at your own pace and let your T know when they push to hard, you don't have to say anything you don't want to, it should completely be up to you. Good luck with your next session

Thank you all for your replies. I am struggling hard right now and Wednesday seems like a long way off. Part of me just wants to get it over with and the other part is already choking on the words. Ugh. I am thinking about sending him an email just looking for some reassurance. He knows it's hard for me and that I don't open up to people. I hate being vulnerable. I think I just need to have him tell me that he won't push too hard. *sigh*

I just started opening up about this same thing with my therapist. It is SO hard for me. The last few sessions have strictly been about that and I am really struggling. Take your time. I only talk about a little at a time. Good luck you can do this and I am really sorry this process hurts.

Tomorrow afternoon is my appointment. I'm still nervous but the anxiety has lessened slightly since I emailed him and he reassured me that it was at my speed and comfort level. Still part of me just wants to go in and just get it all over with while the other part wants to throw up. Ugh.

I mentioned CSA once and i was dying from embarrassment. It's too hard for me. I didn't share any details. Not sure if i can bring it up again.

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I don't think anyone ever feels "comfortable" talking about such things but if it's making you panic or seems too much, then know you don't have to. And if you start to talk about something, but suddenly don't want to, you can just stop. CSA involves a loss of control and it's really important for you to have control now.
It sounds like your therapist understands that. But it's a difficult situation for therapists, sometimes, because CSA involves some adult turning a blind eye. So the therapist does not want to leave CSA unaddressed (since that could replicate past neglectful adults who did not see/help and instead ignored it or were in denial) but at the same time cannot push their clients to go where they do not want to, because that could be seen as a violation similar to the original CSA. It's a delicate balance.
When I blurted out stuff related to CSA I had a very strong reaction after the session, a kind of fearful reaction because this stuff is generally kept very secret and telling someone can induce panic because you've broken the unspoken "rule" that you're "not supposed to tell." Take care of yourself during this time.

Thank you! That was probably the toughest session I have had and I couldn't even get through it all. Ugh. I'm both mad at myself for stopping and relieved to know that I really am in control when it comes to talking about it. Still feel sick about the whole thing though.