[granite1]

i have been talking a lot with my T about the mother . it all started with me telling her that i didn't know what to say to her and that i felt like she was angry at me . she said we are not going through this again . i argued that this was how i felt and she out right said she knew me well enough to know what was going on and she was not going to let me get away with going backwards after working with me for so long .she asked me if i remembered always doing this when i saw her at the clinic. she said i would shut down and not talk . i told her i couldnt help how i feel . she said she didnt think it was at all about me thinking she is angry at me at all. she said this is what i do and it is all about the mother . she said i brought up the mother to talk about and because it was so uncomfortable and painful it was easier for me to shut down ,say i felt she was angry at me and throw smoke screens all around and she was not letting me get away with it . we talked about how hard it is for me to deal with what the mother did . she put it to me like i was living a lie . i created this world that the mother was not so bad ,that most of it was my fault , the guilt of not talking to her . the smoke screens so i dont have to deal with it . the hope that she will some how be the mother i want . how i will some how be able to fix things because the problem is with me . that all of this is easier for me to deal with easier then dealing with the fact that the mother is a monster . the problem is it was living a lie and that is a hard thing to do all the time . it doest work in the end . she said at some point i am going to need to speak my truth . she said that therapy is a place that i will always be able to do that . that she wants me to be able to do this with her . that she will always be on my side and will never not believe me at that point for some reason i believed her . that she would be on my side that she wanted to hear my truth and that she would believe me . we talked some about all this and how i have a hard time believing things myself . it was time for me to go so i left feeling a little better .this was 2 weeks ago

last weeks session was unbelievably intense . i cant believe i was able to talk so open with her . we talked a lot about my confusion about everything that went on . how it can be hard to understand why no was was willing to help me . if no one was willing to help me how can i not believe it was me who was horrible . we went over how so many people in my life did nothing . it hurts still to think about it . how not only the family but the other people in my life . my pediatrician, my nanny , the teachers . so many had to know . i dont understand why they did nothing . i mean you could say my family was messed up and that it was not me but what about these people . they were not family . i shared with her some of the things the mother got away with .like with the sa i would get horrible infections down there and the mother never had to bring me to the doctor. if she had he would have seen what was going on .but he was a friend and only needed to call for a prescription.it was so painful to say that to her it made me feel so icky.she understood and reminded me it was not my fault but understood why i would feel icky,and that it was ok to talk about no matter how icky. i told her i wanted to understand why . how angry i am . she understood why i would be so angry .but she told me that there really may not be any real answers . we talked about some possible reasons for some things like the time it happened etc . a lot more was said but i cant remember . i know she took a big breath at the end of the session and said wow that was an intense session . i said it was as i was leaving and asked if she was going to be there next week and she said yes . i left

[RTS?]

Granite, that sounds like quite a break through! I haven't been on here in a while but that is amazing progress from where you were! Sounds very hard but very helpful sessions

[stopdog]

It sounds good.

granite, you are doing astounding work. i wish i could give you a big hug.

[rainbow8]

Granite, reading your post caused chills and tears in my eyes. I've "known" you a long time on this forum and you are now making unbelievable progress! I hope you're proud of yourself!! It's hard work but you're doing it!!

Granite, you're doing really incredible work.

[growlycat]

Granite you are doing the hardest work one could do in therapy. Amazing work.

[Waterbear]

Have you seen the film A Monster Calls. Speak your Truth, the monster yells and yells at the little boy, until he finally breaks down and tells his truth, and it seems to be hugely cathartic for him. The yelling seems so extreme at the time, but he needs that force to push him to be able to speak his truth. The story is different to yours, but this bit reminded me of your T pushing you to be honest with yourself. Hard, hard work, but so worth it.

[granite1]

the hardest part was talking to her about how the mother didnt need to take me to the doctors. she asked why would i need to go to the doctors? i immediately shut down feeling the ickiest i have ever felt . she pointed out again that i was shutting down and asked why again. i swear my body was having a psychical reaction to the thoughts in my head .i just shook my head like i use to but instead i also spoke out loud shuddering, saying no. she asked again ,granite why would you have needed to go to the doctors . i blurted out that because of what the babysitter did to me i would get horrible infections. the wave of ickiness hit me like a ton of bricks and i immediately apologized to her .i felt horrible i subjected her to such an icky thing. that is just not me . she reminded me i could speak my truth about anything and no apologies .she understood the ickiness though. i told her how i felt if i had seen a doc he would have known something was up. i never said anything to the mother . she said i was a child and didnt have the ability to say anything . it wasnt like i could just come out and say hey mom i have a vaginal infection do to sa. i was unable to tell her how the mother knew i was having some problem . it was because i was wetting my pants and it was bloody . you probably only have to look down there to know there was something wrong but no one did . every time my T responded i was hit with that icky feeling . i was so hard

[RTS?]

Granite you are one of the strongest peopleI know... speaking your truth is so hard....proud of you .

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

For me, everything changed (for the better) when I started to talk about what I had really experienced and accepted that it was bad. I'm not a buddhist but the buddhists have a saying "things as they are." I think for me, expending all this energy defending against telling my truth and minimizing my own pain, just took up so much space in my life and my head. Speaking it and letting it go out into the universe felt like I was taking a part of myself back, and life was so much easier in so many ways after that. Symptom speaking, my enormous anxiety became manageable, my trigger-y reactions to upsetting events became more like blips in my well being rather than torches, and I found newer and deeper parts of my relationships that connected me more to other people.

So at least in what I think is my version of where you are, I'd say it's well worth it. Agree with the others that it is courageous. Keep going. it will get better.